Former Priest Takes Gold

Former Catholic Priest Neil Horan (left) disrupted the Olympic Men's Marathon event by pushing Brazilian runner Venderlei de Lima into the crowd. This cost di Lima the Gold Medal.

Horan went on to win the Gold Medal in the Men's Individual Asshole event. This marked the first time Ireland has won a medal in the Men's Individual Asshole event.

Horan came out of nowhere to win the event, beating out the heavily favoured the Canadian guy who jumped into the swimming pool, who took the Silver Medal. The Bronze was awarded to a local favourite the Greek Guy who faked a motorcycle accident to avoid a drug test.



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To Qualify as a Regular Fiver please email me with your name and a valid email address.

To become a Premium Fiver you must register as a Regular Fiver but you must be single, female, and between the ages of 17 and 25.
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Kubler-Ross Dead (Possibly)

02:00 PM
Its been all over the news today that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross had died. I don't see how this could possibly be true, she is only 78 years old and in good health. I imagine there are a lot of women named Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. It can't be THE Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. I hate it when the media makes mistakes like this.

04:00 PM
Ok this is really making me angry. What business does a loving God have in taking someone like Elizabeth Kubler-Ross? What could possible be the purpose in this? I hate God.

08:30 PM
I promise that if Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is alive that I'll become a better person. I'll do anything. Please just let her be alive.

10:00 PM
God, I'm so depressed. I can't read any more media stories about this. I can't even get out of bed. It's just too sad.

03:00 AM
Ok. She's dead. Big spike in the book sales I'm thinking.


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John The Baptist Was Here

Apparently, John the Baptist had a nice cave out in the country. It was modest, but a nice getaway cave.

It is believed that JB may have performed some of his rituals there, such as Baptism and Foot Washing.

An archaologist named Shimon Gibson unearthed the cave and now believes this proves conclusively that the New Testament accounts of JB are completely accurate.

Other biblical archeologists dispute the conclusion saying that it "over-reaches" and that Gibson has a reputation for "hyperbole".

http://www.cbc.ca/story/arts/national/2004/08/16/Arts/bapcave040816.html
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Help Me

Help Me!

I've Been Stolen.

I'm in the back of an Audi A6 with a very spacious cargo bay.

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Best Catwoman

Who is the best Catwoman ever?

Julie Newmar? Eartha Kitt? Halle Berry?

I'm so sick and tired of the media asking the wrong questions all the time.

The real question is why did they replace Julie Newmar with Eartha Kitt? There is some story there we are just not being told.

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The Screamer walks away

Norway's most famous painting the Screamer by Edvard Munch, was stolen from an Oslo Art Gallery. The thieves walked into the gallery and simply took the painting without any resistance.

A witnesse told police that the thieves fled in a black Audi A6. The Audi A6 comes with a six speed manual transmission or a 5 speed automatic with overdrive. It was unclear at the time whether the Audi had the automatic or standard transmission.

Had the Oslo police tried to pursue the thieves, they would have found out that the A6 comes equipped with a 220hp 3.0 Litre engine.

Ironically, the A6 comes standard equipped with one of the best anti-theft technologies in cars of its class. After all you would not want to find your A6 missing while standing on the curb with the Screamer in your hand.

How thrilling it must have been for the thieves to listen to news reports about the theft on the A6's 80 Watt Concert style AM-FM stereo, with a CD changer and six speakers.

A classic piece of Art ought to be transported in something like the A6 with its automatic climate control, sun sensors and dust and pollen filters. All standard features.

As the thieves careened down those Oslo side streets the A6's Xenon high intensity headlights with automatic self-levelling technology made it easy to avoid the police.

Oslo police say they currently have nothing to go on to solve this crime, and that the Audi A6 price and features differ greatly between Norway and Canada.
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Worst Movie Ever

Its official.
The Five of Five worst movie ever poll has closed and the result tabulated.

You the readers have overwhelmingly voted Chicago the worst movie ever.

Once again. Chicago. Worst movie ever.
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You won't want to miss that

Welcome back to Athens and more Olympic coverage, I'm Brian Williams. Folks, as I was driving into the studio today I could'nt help but notice that the roads here in Greece were mostly black with some white markings. The markings were fairly thin, about 3 or 4 inches wide, going down the middle of the road, and you can't help wondering what those are there for. I talked with some Greek people in depth about their black roads and the white stripes and we'll air that later. I guarantee you won't want to miss that. I'm Brian Williams.
...
I'm Brian Williams. You should see the orange colored lamp on the desk in my hotel room near the bed. Folks, I've never seen anything like it. It probably has a 75 Watt bulb or it could be a 100 Watt bulb it really depends a lot on how you rate that kind of thing. Later I'll talk to the men's beach volleyball team about the lamps in their rooms. You won't want to miss that. I'm Brian Williams.
...
Welcome back, I'm Brian Williams. Folks you would not believe this desk I'm sitting behind. More on that later. You won't want to miss that. Now lets go to the swimming pool. I want you to notice how clear and blue that water is. They tell me the blue is because of the way the light hits the water. Amazing. Its absolutely essential for the Canadian swimmers to understand this. Later I go poolside for an in depth interview with the 10 metre diving platform. You won't want to miss that. I'm Brian Williams.
...
Welcome back. Folks you should know that for security reasons they've closed the whole air-space around Athens but in a late breaking controversy it seems they did not inform the officials over at the women trampoline event. Women bouncing in an out of the restricted air space put the Nato force here on high alert several times. We'll be covering that in a few moments and you won't want to miss that. I'm Brian Williams.
...
I'm Brian Williams. You know I've covered 11 Olympic games for the CBC, and quite well I might add, and later I will have a full feature interview with myself. You won't want to miss that. Think of it though folks, 11 Olympic games with the same tie and the same underwear. I'm Brian Williams.
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Speaking of Judo History...

Describing a book on Judo, Chapters.ca writes:

Judo, a martial arts form which originated in Europe, has spread to being
incredibly popular throughout the world...

Europe? Judo originated in Europe?

And so I'm like 'that's a mistake in your discription, Judo originated in Japan. Big asian country. Not near Europe. Not a synononym for Europe. And there like Oh no thats Ok, thats what the publisher gave us as a description...and I'm like NAAOOOOO the Japanese book was published in Japan by a Japanese publisher who would never say Judo originated in Europe and they're like Its not our fault and I'm like can't you just fix it and they're like WHO ARE YOU. And I'm like I have one of those Chapter's cards and I happen to know where Japan is on a globe. And they're like so...well we can't fix it.

How stupid would you feel if you had made a big issue and then found out that Japan was in Europe.

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Amélie Update

Amélie Mauresmo once again won the Roger's Cup in Montreal. No one believed me when I said she would be the number one seed eventually. Now who is laughing. In order to get to the finals she had to overcome a gang of determined Russian girls with wicked shots. But calmness of mind and clarity of purpose prevailed.

Before I continue, I should disclose that our editorial committee has just finished a set of guidelines for how we write about female professional athletes.

* Descriptions should reflect the professionalism and accomplishment of the women athletes.
* Avoid phrases like strapping girls or bitches with racquets.
* Pictures should be selected showing the women engaged in their sport not languishing in sweaty girly poses.

Of course the Globe & Mail solves this problem by not using any adjectives at all to describe the female tennis players. They quake in their boots at the thought of those Toronto commy lesbian feminazis writing them letters.
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A Unified Message

What Conservative Politicians say when Liberals don't submit their expense reports properly:

I think Paul Martin should fire him today. I wouldn't give him [Andre Oullette] until next week," said [Conservative MP John] Williams in an interview from his Alberta home.

What Convervative Politicians say to Liberals when asked for their expense reports...

Premier Ralph Klein, appearing before the public accounts committee Wednesday, became irate when asked for receipts for a golf trip, and got into a verbal scuffle with a Liberal MLA. Klein took offence to the receipt request, demanding to know whether MLA Laurie Blakeman was calling him a liar.

Klein: "Is the honourable member suggesting I am lying?"
Blakeman: "No, sir, I am just asking for the document."
Klein: "Oh, why would you ask for the document if you are not suggesting I am lying?"
Blakeman: "Because this is the public accounts committee, sir, and we can ask for that kind of information."
Klein: "Oh, I see. In other words, you're saying you won't take my word for it. I want to know if she's calling me a liar. She doesn't believe me."

Blakeman tried to respond, but Klein cut her off three times, repeating: "You don't believe me."

No. No. No.

Thanks guys, for all your hard work in earning the public's trust.

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Dar Steps Down on Slow News Day

In a dramatic twist of events Dar Heatherington delivered her resignation to the Lethbridge City Council giving a defiant and dramatic speech.

The A-Channel pre-empted regular dramatic local news and dramatic weather, describing it as "a dramatic turn of events in this saga". Who the hell writes their stuff anyway. The Iliad was a saga. Seinfeld was a saga. This was a lurid tabloid story. A year from now they'll have stupid teasers: "it was a year ago today that Dar Heatherington issued her dramatic resignation. Join us at 11:00 for a dramatic 3 hour dramatic retrospective...". I think they were auditioning for Celebrity Justice. Normally I like Blonds.

The Sun will have a true crime pullout linking Dar to Liberal Corruption and Quebec Seperatism.

God knows what the nuts at Global will do. I don't even want to know. Probably a commemorative DVD.

Without the burden of being a full time politician, Dar indicates she will work full time and tirelessly to clear her name. She sort of has to say that. Spectacular. She'll be just like The Fugitive. Racing from town to town, always getting cryptic clues, but always one step behind the shadowy mysterious man who kidnapped her and took her to Las Vegas. And for what?

Maybe if she wraps it up early she could help OJ find the real killers.

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Songs of the week

Topping the list are Alanis Morisette's One Hand in My Pocket and Sheryl Crow's Hole in My Pocket.

Mandy Moore is competitive with the heady moody In My Pocket.

Then Richard Marx gets metaphorical with Hands In Your Pocket.

The Moffats get all Christmassy with Santa Left a Hole In Daddy's Pocket.

Loretta Lynn proves that classic country is not out of the race with the trailer park weepy Deep as Your Pocket.

Iggy Pop makes it interesting with an ode to self love - title unpublishable. Suffice to say it is a rather vivid extension combining Alanis' and Sheryl Crow's titles. He's got one hand in his pocket all right.

Dean Martin, with a cigarette in one hand and a cocktail in the other, was somewhat more constrained, but nonetheless came up with the understated sobering classic Money Burns a Hole in My Pocket. Not one of his best, but it is about a pocket.
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Tobacco Terrorism

In a scam as old as...energy rebates...thieves are stealing big semi trucks full of cigarettes.

Of course the tobacco companies blame this phenomena on the high taxes on cigarettes. I think they're on to something. If you could get the sales taxes off tobacco, people would stop stealing the cigarettes and we could get those smokes back in the hands of the sixteen year olds where they belong.

Anyway, you really need to keep your eyes open. This kind of crime really requires organization. You need someone who knows how to drive a really big truck. RCMP warn the public to be on the lookout for middle eastern men who enquire about learning how to drive a semi but not how to load one.

In light of these disturbing trends our tobacco terror color-coded alert has been raised from finger-yellow to bleeding lung watermelon.
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Trump Bankrupts 3 Casinos

Thanks for coming in Donald, please have a seat. No, over there. Farther. First, let's just go over the Casino business model one more time Donald, because I feel you're not getting it. You have an unlimited supply of the world's dumbest people who come into your place with wadloads of cash to spend on games of chance that are rigged 80/20 in your favour. Many of these people, I should point out, have addictions to gambling or at the very least poor judgement. Anyway Donald, do you see any way that we should not be rolling in big piles of money at the end of every day. Donald, there's no easy way to say this. We did not hire you to turn money into[?]. We did not hire you to [?] up a sure thing. How did you bankrupt three casinos Donald? How? Never mind you're fired. You are fired. And for God sakes do something about that hair, that thing looks like a [?] muskrat. Get out.
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Sun Media Surprising No One

Congratulations to Nicolas Gill for being selected as the Canadian Team's Flag Bearer at the Athens Olympic Games. This is great for the sport of Judo which benefits from much needed exposure. Gill, who already has two Olympic silver medals, along with numerous other international wins, will no doubt pull off a few of his mind-boggling techniques to win another medal, maybe gold.

Nicolas Gill is from Montreal, a bilingual Francophone, and very popular in Quebec. Almost immediately after the announcement, Sun Media went into attack mode, criticizing the choice of Gill because he was a Quebecer and had once, years ago, said he voted Yes in one of the referendums on independence.

The Sun Media articles were just plain mean. They had nothing to do with Sports, Judo, the Olympics, or anything important. They were trying to create a wedge issue based on politics and identity. Sun Media thinks you are stupid by expecting you to believe Nicolas Gill is not a good enough Canadian to carry the flag. Why did a simple sports story get handed to a bigot to write?

You can bet that the Sun Media reporters will be all over the Olympic Village and the various ceremonies looking for Quebec flags, ready to expose those who have them as un-Canadian or ungrateful or whatever.

Further reading:

CBC's original story
Cyberpresse in Quebec
Sun Media hate literature
Globe & Mail
Brief history of Judo
Rosie Dimanno of the Toronto Star gets it

Update: Not surprising the Sun Media link is broken. It seems they deleted or moved this story on their web site. We will have one of our interns try to track down the correct link.
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