Future Tory MLA

Everytime I listen to BBC Radio Scotland they tell some weird story. Last week they were phoning in and requesting songs by Gordon Lightfoot. They probably listen to the Canadian Railroad Trilogy and think ah the Colonies, how quaint. Yeah Scotty, there's a bunch of guys out in my back yard swinging sledge hammers and eating beans.

This week it was this one:

...a 12 year old got bored at the family dinner party and decided to leave early and go visit some friends. it was quite rude of her not to tell anyone where she was going, especially since she took dad's car. Being drunk and generally uncooperative with law enforcement officials did not help much when she got pulled over and arrested.


Keep an eye on that kid she's going places.
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Clay and Wood

(Reuters) A man who went missing five weeks ago in south-western France has been found alive in an underground cave system where he had got lost. Jean-Luc Josuat-Verges, 48, told police he survived by eating wood and clay. He was found thanks to some teenagers who had been exploring the caves, which are normally closed to the public. Mr Josuat-Verges left his home on 18 December suffering from depression and telling his wife he wanted to be alone for a time, local newspapers said. Taking a bottle of whisky he drove his jeep to an abandoned mushroom farm consisting of a vast network of underground tunnels.


Which of us has not wanted at one time or another, to pound back some whiskey and stale mushrooms while getting lost in a vast underground tunnel system surviving only on wood and clay. I know I have.

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Dear Sirs,

That guy's story totally lacks credibility. What kind of an idiot would believe a story like that?

Dar Heatherington

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Dear Sirs,

Whenever my band gets me lost in a vast network of underground tunnels, I just sing and walk towards the booing.

Regards,
Ashlee Simpson
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Labor Dispute Hits Children

After failing to reach a new contract after exhaustive bargaining sessions, Santa Claus announced today that he would be locking out the Elves. The Elves union spokesperson immediately claimed that Santa was not bargaining in good faith and wanted to ruin Christmas for everybody. Unless an agreement can be reached by the end of this week, the 2005 Christmas season may have to be scrapped. Santa has already started cancelling appearences in early November 2005.

The Elves are calling into question the financial numbers disclosed by Santa. They say they do not include hidden revenue streams such as licensing fees from such movies as Bad Santa and Black Christmas. They also claim that a lot of the accounting mumbo jumbo is over their heads.

Santa contends that the business model is not sustainable and must be fixed, and that he has lost 12 billion dollars in five years. The Elves have stated repeatedly that a salary cap is a non-starter. Santa has rejected the latest counter-proposal of the Elves rejecting a luxury tax on expensive toys.

No further talks are scheduled and Santa complained today that the Elves are being short with him.

Public sympathy seems to be lacking towards the Elves as more and more people see them as greedy under-performers. Please recommend this post

Debacle x 3

First there was the Saturday Night Live debacle. Last week there was a new debacle. Ashlee was asked to sing at half-time at the Orange Bowl game. True, it was a horrible game and the fans were overly receptive to a distraction. That's why O.J. Simpson was there. O.J. decided that this year was his year to go to the Rose Bowl and get out among the people. Just when you thought O.J's presence was going to start a small riot Ashlee gets up and sings. Unfortunately this time she was not lip-syncing and as a result got booed off the stage. They played the clip over and over and over and over again on the Radio. It made me want to cry. Anyway, there are two humiliations here: 1. Getting booed off the stage; 2. Causing 60,000 people to forget about the serial killer in the crowd.

Of course this caused a whole slew of jokes about O.J. stabbing Ashlee to shut her up, or various flavors thereof. Who knew aquitted murder could be so funny.

Actually there's three humiliations. Soon after the Orange Bowl reaction an online petition appeared, asking Ashlee to stop singing. Can you think of any entertainer who has had this happen to them?

You know she's a very nice looking girl, not trashy boobs out like the sister. Maybe she could do something in modelling or spokespersoning.

Well you can sign the petition if you must be petty, but I'm not happy about publishing this link:

http://www.petitiononline.com/StopAsh/petition.html

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Tsunami Relief

Boots on the ground.
Planes in the air.
Trucks on the road.
Money piling up.

Now to save some lives.

Contribute:

www.redcross.ca
www.oxfam.ca
www.unicef.ca
www.worldvision.ca
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Bertuzzi Update

Todd Bertuzzi was finally sentenced and our long national nightmare now comes to an end. Bertuzzi pled guilty to assault received a conditional discharge with parole and some conditions. This means no jail time and no criminal record. Bertuzzi is now trying to get permission to play in Europe while the NHL lockout is on, but there is no guarantee this will be allowed.


Letters:

Dear Sirs,

Man if a guy did that to me, I'd take him out to dinner all nice like then...blam blam blam. What I mean is I'd sue for sure.

Robert Blake

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Dear Sirs,

Todd Bertuzzi can play on my team anytime.

Regards,
Graham James

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Homulka Watch

Karla Homulka has not applied for early release or parole choosing instead to serve her full term. She will be released sometime in 2005 and rumors persist that she will settle out west. Corrections Canada expressed their confidence in her reform:

...we have no confidence that this individual will not cause harm or death to others.

Letters:

Dear Sirs,

Double negatives can often be removed from a sentence to make it more clear and pleasant for the reader. Instead of saying "we have no confidence that this individual will not cause harm or death to others" try saying "we have confidence this individual will cause harm or death to others." That's nicer is'nt it. A little up-tone on the "will" can also enhance your meaning. Good luck.

Regards,
Martha Stewart.

Dear Sirs,

Where out west?

Regards,
Orenthal

Dear Sirs,

I can assure you um that we have a plan relative to um um the Homulka thing and I can er um assure you relative to the plan that um we..um..where's Rod? I'm tired of this crap. Get Rod. Stop yipping.

Regards,
Ralph Klein

Dear Sirs,

Homulka had a lot of good ideas, she just went too far.

Regards,
Bobby Hull


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Sympathetic Cooperation

From the Edmonton Public Schools Report Card preamble, circa 1970:

It is the aim of the school to help your child become a good citizen, prepared to lead a happy and useful life. To this end the school is concerned with his all-round development. You child is provided with an opportunity to develop his individual gifts and to become well adjusted socially. He is encouraged to develop good habits, attitudes and ideals, and to acquire knowledge and skill in the regular school subjects in keeping with his abilities.

For the child, the best results can be secured only through the sympathetic co-operation of the home and the school. We ask your help.

What. What are you looking at. I'm all that.

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Your done

[Ring] Yeah, 2004, sorry to call you at home. Say, we've been thinking about things here and ... there's no easy way to say this, but well you're no longer required. Yup uh huh. We're going in a whole new direction - have you met 2005? Very professional. Anyway, I have to be honest with you I haven't seen such a bad year since... well your the worst in a long time. Annis Horribilis. We were hoping you could be more like say 1987 but now its best if we just make a clean break.. So...Bruno will help you clean out your locker and good luck. Bubye then. Bubye. Nope. Nope Yep... bye...yeah bye. Listen I gotta go. [Slam]

Who hired that guy.

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A Poem

I wrote this free-verse poem while waiting for Christmas dinner to be served. Frankly I think its one of my best:


julia roberts runaway bride eric roberts runaway train
poetry poultry poultry poetry
when i come back i expect to find you gone gone wait for me
hot damn jacques derrida has died
paul martin ouagadougou
paul martin ouagadougou
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