Irony Non Pareil

And then one reads the CNN lead story:

HANOI, Vietnam (AP) -- U.S. President George W. Bush opened a visit Friday to the wartime capital of this once-divided country, a trip that is stirring inevitable comparisons between the unpopular war in Iraq and the divisive conflict fought and lost in Vietnam more than three decades ago.

I guess its better late than never.

I hope he gets heckled. Hey asshole, we coulda used your help in 1970...

To me its not the comparison between Iraq and Vietnam that is interesting - important as that is. It is the difference between Vietnamese and American soldiers who lost their lives, minds or limbs and the Golden Boy who cruised around Arkansas looking for cheap beer.

Or, the difference between the American Vets who tossed their Purple Heart Medals in a river because no one would listen to their horror stories and the Golden Boy who pranced around in a flight suit with a sock stuffed in his pants.

Mr. Furious is going to bed now. He has a full day of outrage tomorrow. Please recommend this post

O.J. Bludgeoned: Here's How

I was just sitting around thinking what it would take to make me more depressed and disaffected than I already am when I read about Rona Ambrose acting like a 4 year old in front of the whole world. At first I thought, this whole Global Warming issue is being so mishandled by our government that I would rather tell someone I'm from Kazakastan rather than Canada. And then I realized I liked being a Canadian, I was really just embarassed that Rona Ambrose was a Canadian. Whole lotta realizing going on there. Maybe its just as well. I hate the science fetish our society has. Proof this. Logic that. Pfft. The earth has survived for 6000 years, its pretty tough.

Then I read about O.J. Simpson. Desperate to get back in the news and probably short on cash:

In a bizarre move his publisher says amounts to a confession, O.J. Simpson has written a book that speculates how, hypothetically, he could have killed his ex-wife and her friend.

I almost frikkin cried when I read that. It makes slowly going blind seem cruel. Is this man even human? You wonder to what extent people like O.J. will go to hurt their families even more than they (allegedly) already have. I think he's sociopathic to the core.

Supposing that someone snuck into O.J.'s house and bludgeoned him with a stuffed Manatee, which is an illegal thing to have by the way. I'd like to write a book about that explaining how, theoretically, I would do it if, theoretically, I was the one with the Manatee bludgeoning. I won't be in Florida next week. Not at all.

For example, someone could, theoretically, strap O.J. to the roof of my/their Blue Ford and cruise up and down a major freeway. I'd have a big sign that said, If you want my ideas on how a former NFL star could be bludgeoned and tied to the roof of a car please buy my book on how I think it might have gone down. The book would have uncanny, eye-brow raising detail.


Maybe when Canada is at the bottom of the list of environmentally responsible nations, Rona Ambrose can write a book that explains how, if one were to destroy the environment, here's a few thoughts on how it might be done.

Disclaimers: Not advocating bludgeoning. All suspects are entitled to a fair defense. Offer void in Quebec and Maine. No Manatees were harmed during this post.
Please recommend this post

Taxpayer Funded Bird Flipping

I just got the finger from a City of Calgary Employee driving a City of Calgary vehicle. I suspect I was'nt driving quite the way he preferred. I'm glad the City of Calgary workers are prying themselves away from doing undercover reconaissance on the homeless peeing and spitting with malice aforethought

I'm feeling pretty disillusioned today. About the only thing that could make it worse would be if Jason Kenney did something stupid to get into the news. Please recommend this post

Photo Blogging Sucks

A few pictures from around Calgary.

The Camera: Pentax K1000. Fully manual Analog. Vintage 1970's technology. The Film: Kodak Black & White ASA-400. The captions are underneath each photo.

This is Confederation Park a few days ago after the first snow dump of the year.

This is the blurry view out of my office. The last office was on the 26th floor facing the mountains. Was is something I said?

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to yooooo
You look like a rocker
And your dad does too.
Alternate ending: And you smell like one too.

This is a little parking lot behind the Dinning Campaign headquarters. The sky was really vivid and weird looking but this film does'nt have enought contrast to bring it out properly. Note that the parking lot is mostly empty. Am I the only person in Calgary who works until 5? Please recommend this post

Belated Halloween Tips

I've been around the block a few times with this Halloween thing, so I thought I'd offer a few suggestions to make things go a little smoother:


1. If you knock on someone's door and a toothless old hag answers and starts pronouncing all kinds of satanic curses on you don't take it too seriously. Just say, 'Thank you Mrs. Dinning, have a nice evening.' and move on.

2. If you bite into an apple and there's a razor blade in it don't go running to your mother. Remember, she told you not to come running to her if you bit into an apple with a razor blade. Go directly to the nearest emergency ward and line up with all the other retards. While you're waiting 12,24 or 48 hours to have the razor blade removed from your mouth, you might be tempted to ask your parents a smart ass question about why they voted for Ralph Klein, but you won't be able to because you have a razor blade stuck in your mouth.

3. Don't wear your halloween mask if you go into a convenience store. Under Mr. Harper's new tough anti-crime bill a convenience store clerk can now shoot you dead if you're wearing a mask. As an additional burden, you now have reverse onus to prove that you should'nt have been shot dead.

4. If you have a religious experience of any kind its probably just some Ecstasy that's in your candy. It does'nt mean your profound or deep or anything. The Jesus you see is'nt real and does'nt love you.

5. If you are carving out a pumpkin and you find yourself getting a little too jabby-jabby with the knife and then just out of the blue you shout out someone's name, please Orenthal, get some help. This is not a good sign.

6. If you're one of those lucky children who get to trick-or-treat at the Prime Minister's house plan your schtick ahead of time. If the Prime Minister asks you about your costume, a witty reply will be appreciated. Something like...Well quite frankly this is the costume that the people of Canada have frankly been asking for. Frankly the Liberals had 13 years to help me with this costume and frankly did nothing. Either you like this costume, or you're against Halloween and Children. Frankly its that simple. Candy please.

7. Remember, dressing up in a weird costume and asking strangers for candy is just another way of preparing you for the rest of your life as an employee. So is stealing candy from another kid.

8. A lot of couples met at Halloween parties. Its also a good time to break up. Just think of badly you could scar someone if you were dressed up as a disney character and you told them you did'nt want to see them anymore.

9. If you come home after trick-or-treating and your parents have had a bit of drink and they 're arguing, it is the only time you can tell them to shut the f* up, because you're cute in your costume. Give it a try, you'll see I'm right. Please recommend this post

Friday Night Weird Dream Blogging

There are a lot of stupid things on the internet. Ranking near the top is Friday Night Cat Blogging. I am proposing a new tradition. On friday nights bloggers everywhere should post the details of their last weird dream. Stupid pictures of stupid cats are out. Weird dreams are in. Feel free to leave a brief synopsis of your last weird dream in the comments to this post. But its my blog, so I get to go first.

Okay, here is the inaugural Friday Night Weird Dream Post:

I'm watching this Star Trek espisode, and then I find myself in the middle of the episode. Some aliens have taken on human bodies but they are having problems getting the bodies to work properly. They are bitching a lot but I keep telling them I don't really want to know the specifics of what's wrong. Kirk and Spock are just sort of lolling around like they are stoned not really doing anything. One of the aliens tells me they have to get the bodies working because they have a convention to go to in a couple of days. At some point Kirk turns into Peter Lougheed. He's carrying around a big computer that looks like a microwave oven and keeps telling me not to touch it. Spock finally shows up with some kind of ray gun that makes all the alien's bodies work properly. Everyone ends up kind of happy.

Bet you can't top that. Please recommend this post

DMAA YouTube Mixer

If your interested in Media and in Calgary on Nov 1, 2006, the Digital Media Association of Alberta is having a mixer. They describe it as:

YouTube.com was recently bought by Google for $1.7 billion. Calgary entrepreneurs and leaders in digital video creation with many decades of experience in the personal, corporate, web, and broadcast space will discuss where digital video is going, and what they see as potential business opportunities. Why did YouTube work, and what lessons can be learned. What mistakes did YouTube make, which could sink other online ventures.

Usually their speakers and events are pretty good. Being digital media, its not the usual collection of geeks. This is a much cooler crowd.

I'm dying to get a couple of video blogs up on YouTube before Google ruins it.

Check their website for more information. Please recommend this post

Five Things Feminism Has Done For Me

Why should a man write about benifiting from feminism? What could I possibly say that could be taken seriously? I feel men should take feminism seriously for the same reason heterosexuals should take gay rights seriously. By sticking up for other peoples rights you decrease the chances that yours will be taken away arbitrarily. I'm not sure I'd like living in a society where people don't stick up for their fellow citizens because they don't belong to the group being wronged.

As a result here are five things feminism has done for me:

1. A lot of other bloggers have mentioned the work-place. I have benefited directly from working with a lot of highly qualified smart women who in another generation may have had to stay at home and apply their large brains to meaningless tasks. Unfortunately, there are still not nearly enough women in science and technology. The other day I added up all the different computer programmers and database people I have worked with over the years. It came to about 17, but only two of them were women. As recently as 5 years ago I worked for a VP of Technology who absolutely refused to hire female programmers. He claimed they could not do the job. Clearly certain people are lying when they claim feminism has run its course and reached its goals.

2. Feminism helps me form an historical perspective of the social and political changes I've seen in my life. I have my own view of how we got into the current debacle of Harper vs the Status of Women Canada: Mulroney believed that Trudeau ruined Canada and that it was his divine calling to save Canada. Everyone is entitled to their delusions of grandeur. Mulroney was so obsessed with re-writing Trudeau's constitution and negotiating NAFTA that he accomplished very little for women or families. Without trying to over-explain it, I think it can be argued that Mulroney killed the progressive wing of the Conservative Party, alienated Western Conservatives, and made it possible for Harper to merge the two parties and remove the word Progressive from the name, and more importantly, to remove Progressive ideas from their policy. No wonder Harper claims Mulroney as his mentor. That's my explanation of how we got to 2006 and a government that wants to cut funding to the Status of Women.

3. Feminism has helped define the type of women I admire and want. (Pause for Drooling). My ideal woman ought to committed to defending her own and other women's gender rights. I think its pretty important for women to be independent and able to look after themselves. If through some unfortunate series of events her honour is besmirched in some weird way I would like to think she would kick ass and take names. (I've got your back sweety.) I don't think I'm capable of buying into the idea that men are the higher beings in the social order as per St. Paul and others. There are many things St. Paul wrote in the New Testament that I cherish, but his views on women, marriage and homosexuality can be discarded without much second thought.

4. Feminism has largely driven the redefinition of the family so families now take many different forms. It will never be the same again in spite of the rantings of tradionalists. The is no such thing as a traditional definition of a family or a marriage. Any group who claims they own the traditional definition of marriage and the family are egotistical power crazy liars. It can be two women, two men, a single mother, working, not working, whatever. I benefit from this because I can feel free to form my family any way I want without feeling guilty. There is a side benefit of knowing people you care about can do what they want and what works for them. Now if only we could get Canada's New Government to mind its own business and let people decide family and marriage issues for themselves, we will all be better off.

5. Feminism has made me more aware of the problems in our society with domestic violence and poverty, both affecting women and children far more than men. I read the other day that Alberta has the highest rate of domestic violence in Canada. Part of this is attributable to the frontier town mentality that goes along with the boom cycle of the Oil & Gas economy. The question is: Why would our Government want to defund women's groups knowing there is still a huge problem with violence towards women. That puts their attitude in a whole new light: immoral and dispicable. Pro family my ass.

Note: This is a first draft. I'm not overly happy with it, so I may make some edits.

Update Oct 25, 2006 6:50pm mst - I fixed some typos and minor changes to grammar. I used to be a good speller. And thanks for all your feedback so far. Please recommend this post

Friday Night Cat Blogging

This is my first try at Cat Blogging which seems to be a tradition for many bloggers on Fridays.

I hope I did'nt upset anyone. Please recommend this post

Oilers 6 Sharks Not 6

I was all set to watch the Oilers vs San Jose game last night then I got to working late and forgot about it. By the time I tuned in the Oilers were down 4-1. No worries, I thought I'd just tune in again later after they caught up. So I went and checked on the people I have tied up in my basement, went to Dairy Queen, saw some funny drunk UofC students. Is'nt it a bit early in the week dudes? Then I went and worked a bit more. When I tuned back in it was 4-3 for San Jose but the Oilers clearly had them by the throat.

The Oilers finally won 6-4 and Ryan Smyth got a natural hat trick. He set a new record for the fastest hat trick at 2:01. The previous record of 2:18 was held by Wayne Gretzky. I had thought it unlikely that any of Gretzky's records would be broken. Smyth also went over 500 career points. I'll bet his wife had a nice cake baked for him when he got home.

San Jose coach Ron Wilson is a pretty sore loser. After the game he called Ryan Smith lucky. No compliment. I think that's a little unprofessional. He was like that during the play-offs last year also. Even after the Oilers won the series he just could'nt say anything nice. It was all the referees fault, bad luck, etc. San Jose has a pretty good team with some excellent players. The Oilers announcers, although they're obviously homers, always manage to note the talent of the other teams. That's probably because they have some class. Ron Wilson is just a sore loser and an ass-hat. Is ass-hat hyphenated? Maybe just Asshat.

In other hockey news the Calgary Flames bored 18,404 fans to near death beating the Senators 1-0. Several people were taken to hospital with acute drooling and stuperous related symptoms. Please recommend this post

Blog Now Post Short

I just listened to Bruce Cockburn's new CD Life Short Call Now. I bought it last week sometime. In keeping with my ongoing meditation training I left it on my desk for a week without touching it. They tell me this is a good exercise to help you overcome an inordinate desire to do something. I walked by it multiple times every day for almost a week thinking this is ridiculous lets just pop it in the player. When I finally did listen to it for the first time I really enjoyed it.

I rarely like an entire CD but I liked most of these songs.

The title song, to me is a sort of love song about the shallowness of life and how short it is. The final verse:

you've no idea how i long
for even one loving caress
for you to step into my heart
without deception or duress

The third song on the CD called Mystery is a beautiful song that I could listen to over and over again, and probably will until I get really sick of it.

Peace March is another wicked guitar instrumental that Guitar players will be trying to figure out. Good luck with that.

Tell The Universe is a song about war. Probably one particular current war:

tell the universe what you've done
out in the desert with your smoking gun
looks like you've been having too much fun
tell the universe what you've done

This is Baghdad is a song that probably came out of the author's trip there:

Carbombed and carjacked and kidnapped and shot
how do you like it, this freedom we brought?
We packed all the ordinance but the thing we forgot
was a plan in case it did'nt turn out quite what we thought

The last song on the CD is another Guitar Solo called Nude Descending a Staircase. It has a unique sound. I can't quite put my finger on it. Sort of Fried Green Tomatoes/American Grafitti.

Ani DiFranco and Ron Sexsmith, two other favourites of mine, sing backup on a few of the songs.There is a lot more instrumentation on this CD compared to previous Cockburn CD's.

Thanks for the tunes Mr C. Please recommend this post

Music To Walk Around With And Or By

I finally got around to updating some good music onto my player. The weather in Calgary last night was beautiful. Hot and sunny. I walked by the Bow River on the way home and the Sun was playing on the yellow leaves of the Poplar trees. It was kind of breathtaking when you add in the sun bouncing around on the water. And it was'nt just the poplars. It was also the Giant Redwood, the Larch, the Fir, the mighty Scots pine, the lofty flowering Cherry, the plucky little aspen, the limping rude tree of Nigeria...[1]

The soundtrack for an October walk in the Sun:

1. Eve of Destruction - The Turtles

I like the Turtle's version better than Barry McGuire's original. I was standing on the corner of 7th and 8th...or maybe it was 8th and 7th...anyhow...I was singing aloud to this song until I noticed that a bunch of banker suit types were staring at me. I felt like the town Witch that accidentally walked into the Knights of Columbus meeting. Or the Knights of Columbus dude walking into a meeting of Witches. I could'nt decide which was funnier.

2. Kind and Generous - Natalie Merchant

My favourite song by her. Whenever I hear it I always think of the same person.

3. Rebecca Martin - These Bones are Yours Alone

She's got a really nice voice. Really really nice.

4. Closing Time - Leonard Cohen

and i lift my glass to the awful truth
which you can't reveal to the ears of youth
except to say it isn't worth a dime
and the whole damn place goes crazy twice
and it's once for the devil and once for christ
but the boss don't like these dizzy heights
we're busted in the blinding lights,
busted in the blinding lights
of closing time

5. Hard Headed Women - Cat Stevens

Yeah me too. I banged foreheads with this chick one time trying to exchange a kiss. She sure had a hard head. I rolled around on the ground for a while pretending I was in the World Cup. At some point in a relationship you have to find out if they buy into your theatrics. What does the former Mr. Stevens mean by a hard headed woman? I never got that.

6. Silence is Golden - The Tremeloes

Generally I like music from the early 60's even though it is long long before my time. I vaguely remember this song on the radio. If you're an older person you may have seen them live.

7. What It Is - Mae Moore

we take for granted this life we know
a few possessions we have to show in the end
i'll keep my peace of mind
make love the bottom line
i've got everything i want ever since i found out
what it is that makes my world go round

8. Anthem - Leonard Cohen

can't run no more
with the lawless crowd
while the killers in high places
say their prayers out loud
but they've summoned up
a thundercloud
and they're going to hear from me

The song comes on just as I'm walking by the Dinning Shack. They'll be hearing from me too.

9. Here She Comes - The Mahones

I read an article about them and the author kept saying they were Celtic Punk. That did'nt really sound right to me. More like Irish Canadian Uptempo Cabaret Rock. Songs about how much you love your girl is'nt exactly punk to me unless they reference heroin, vomiting or train spotting. They remind me a lot of the SkyDiggers. Where are the SkyDiggers these days anyway?

10. Lodestar - Sarah Harmer

out in the night, out on the water,
we pull the boat back to shore.
breathing the air in the stillness of the bay.
intensity of stars reflected in the water,
silently ignite.
the oar dips in to oil like water and we,
are away.
under the moon,
in the great black night with no lodestar,
in sight.

...

[1] List as taken from Monty Python's Lumberjack sketch. You can't have a music list without somehow bringing Monty Python into it. Please recommend this post

Mennonites Start Relief Fund For Amish

A quick post. Just in case you don't know about this, the Mennonite Central Committee has set up a special fund to assist the Amish community in Nickel Mines.

Click here for the MCC's special webpage.

The MCC always makes me proud to be a Canadian. Please recommend this post

Balls in Escrow Please

A completely surprising development in South Carolina:

CHARLESTON, S.C. (AP) - A City Council member, reacting to a video store holdup believed to have been carried out by children, says parents who can't properly care for their kids should be sterilized.

"We pick up stray animals and spay them," Larry Shirley said in a story published Saturday by The Post and Courier of Charleston. "These mothers need to be spayed if they can't take care of theirs. Once they have a child and it's running the street, to let them continue to have children is totally unacceptable."

Surely you're not advocating eugenics? Of course I am, please call me Larry.

Generally, I've been trying to ignore the trailor park boys that get themselves elected then feel they need to talk out loud.

I'm not an American, but I don't think your local town council can sterilize you. That sounds more like the domain of Homeland Security or maybe Faith Based Initiatives.

I'm disappoited that the Canadian Press and the CBC both referred to "parents" in the headline when clearly Adolph was talking about mothers. There is an important difference which has to do with attitudes to women. Don't you feel the outrage of Welfare Queens and Crack Whores stealing your sweat soaked tax dollars?

Since we can't shut these creeps up and people won't stop voting for them I came up with a solution while walking down fashionable 7th avenue today. We should required all male politicians, before running for public office to sign their balls into public escrow. Its just like if naked pictures of Miss America turn up. Certain things have to happen to restore the dignity of the office.

Should they, during the course of their tenure, say something that is derogatory or hurtful towards mothers, compare them to dogs, or advocate for forced eugenics, the state will require them to either resign or surrender their balls in a very public and a very painful manner.

Also, Canadians should be aware of the fact that the Stanley Cup is currently residing in that part of the world. We want it back. We don't want our national treasure around creeps like that.

And thats one more reason why you all (y'all) should be cheering for the Edmonton Oilers. Please recommend this post

Grief, Dreaming and Empathy

I had a dream a week or so ago about our recently departed loved one. I don't often dream of those who have passed on, it has only happened to me a few times. It was a very short dream, CC was wearing a really nice suit and was smiling. He had on a ridiculous tie that was glowing, kind of like a lava lamp, or something from the sixties. I was amused by the tie, so I asked him where he got it. He replied that I gave it to him. That was it. Dream over.

Although the dream itself was fairly harmeless, maybe even funny, it left an emotional hangover that carried into the next few days. It made me feel profoundly sad and with a longing to turn back the clock. I tried to write down my thoughts on this dream several times but could never quite get through it. It did'nt help that in the meantime I watched Jon Voigt in the Five People You Meet In Heaven . Which cracked me open just a little bit wider than I already was. I've added this movie to my top 5 all time favourite movies.

I try not to analyze my dreams to much. The furballs that our subconscious throws up to us are mostly meant to be ignored. But there was something that kept eating at me about this dream.

While trying to understand the dream a little voice kept mumbling the word empathy. Empathy? Yeah, like remembering all the bewildered people in Afghanistan and Iraq who are missing family members. Or the families of Canadian and American soldiers who regardless of their political view are now going through a horrible grieving process. If grief and loss means anything at all should it mean you become more fully human in that you can understand someone else's grief? I'm embarassed that self-pity is almost always the first recourse. If empathy is important then how as a Canadian can I be the least bit comfortable with Canada's New Government which sees Military Machismo as our new international identity. I understand a little bit more, but not nearly enough, about grief and empathy. I also know who I'm NOT voting for in the next federal election. Which I hope is soon. Please recommend this post

Blogger Errata

In a previous post I mentioned that my niece attended a Rocker Chick Camp this summer. This should have be described as Rocker Girl Camp. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. Please recommend this post

Hermaphrodite Nazi Sympathisers And Thanks

Late last night our blog received its 5000th visitor. I would like to send a gift to that reader, but I only know it is someone in LeatherHead Bromley, UK. A better produced blog could get 5000 hits in one week or one month but it took us almost a year. Our 5000th visitor googled wallace simpson hermaphrodite and landed here. For the record, we do not have any in depth content related directly to this search. Google does not do semantics very well when dealing with multiple key words. It only knows those three words were found somewhere in the content. Nonetheless I'm grateful for the visit.

An hermaphrodite is someone with both sexual physiologies. God only knows why, but I discussed it here (Last paragraph). Wallace Simpson was an American woman who married the Prince of Wales in the 1930's. Not long after becoming King he abdicated because his marriage to a divorced American was objectionable to the British Parliament and the Royal Family. Since the Prince of Wales was immensely popular the British people resented Wallace Simpson and all kinds of crazy things were made up about her in the press. They blamed her for the abdication and then made a whole industry out of saying wacky untrue things about her. Good thing the Western Standard and Ezra Levant were not around then. Being called an Hermaphrodite would be the least of her worries.

I really doubt she was an hermaphrodite. The Duke would have taken note of that. That castle was only big enough for one Duke. With all due respect to hermaphrodites everywhere - which is a phrase I never thought I would write - it was an awful thing to say about someone just because they disrupted your little costume pageant.

After abdicating the couple moved to the Bahamas where the Duke was given a bit of non strenuous government work to do. There were persistant rumors throughout the War that the Duke and Duchess were Nazi sympathisers, perhaps even spies. Hence, another one of my other google referrals: "Wallace Simpson von Ribbentrop".

I feel like I should be thanking people for having 5000 visits.

First - first I'd like to thank Jesus because athletes do it all the time whenever they win something. Also my mother who does'nt know I write this stuff, should be thanked. You always thank your mother. If you don't you are a jerk. I'd like to thank Jesus again, because you can never thank Jesus enough when you live a life like mine. I'd like to thank the Progressive Bloggers for picking up my feed probably against their better judgment. I'd like to thank the Pope and Madonna. I'd like to thank all the readers who drop by and take time to read my posts. No accounting for taste. I'd like to thank the Government of Alberta whose ignorance and incompetence is mind blowing thus giving me plenty to write and think about. I'd like to thank Stephen Harper for being a continuous source of legitimate outrage for all of us non-Conservative bloggers.

My plans are to continue with this blog and to find ways to improve it. I lament the fact that many blogs I start to enjoy end up having a short life span. There are a lot of very talented writers out there so its always going to be a good competition to get readers. Please recommend this post

Rocker Chick Camp

My niece went to Rocker Chick Camp a few weeks ago. She did'nt even send me an email telling me she was doing that. I had to hear it from my mother and I did'nt really understand what she was talking about. What I heard at first was Biker Chick Camp. Oh dear, I thought, does the father know? She went to this camp in Edmonton for 5 days and got musical instruction from Rachelle van Zanten and others. I think this type of thing is a great idea. I wish they had something like that when I was that age. I tried to get some of the lyrics of the songs they wrote in the workshops but no luck. I'll keep trying.

A friend of mine went to an IT boot camp which is kind of like a religious cult. They deprive you of sleep and protein and cram you with stupid facts so you can pass a bunch of Certification Tests. He paid almost 10k for it and drank the whole time. He apparently passed all the exams but does'nt know how or when.

It does'nt really bother me if my niece decides to make a career in music. Its a tough life though. I admire people who have musical talent. I know she does'nt get it from my side of the family. We have no musical genetics on our side at all. She obviously gets her talent from her Father's side, he being an impressive singer and guitar player. Please recommend this post

Labour Day Disaster

It has been a sad week up in Capital City. The day after Labour day marks the half-way point for the CFL season. I think it will extremely likely that the Edmonton Eskimos will miss the playoffs for the first time since 1971. Sure, I was around then, why did you have to bring that up? I sure as heck was'nt going to no rocker camp. Life was pretty tough. We had to sit in those crappy end zone seats in Clarke Stadium and freeze.

Anyway, the Saskatchewan Rough Riders are playing well, and the Eskimos were beat by the Calgary Stampeders on Labour Day. This is why we are saying the Eskimos season is all over. Think of all those bus loads of drunk Eskimo fans heading back up the QE2 last monday night. It was probably a pretty quiet trip without a lot of screaming and tossing of beer soaked underwear. Just sad melancholic drooling.

I was at work on Tuesday morning and it was only 10:00 am before I heard some major league gloating down on street level. One guy says, so we finally beat Edmonton on Labour day. The other guy: Really, that happened once when Klein was mayor I think. A third guy joined them but they were practising male tribal dominance so they would'nt let him talk.

Calgary Stampeder fans are so used to losing they never really think any particular win is good enough. After scoring 44 points against Edmonton people were still phoning the Radio Station expressing a weird kind of skepticism about how good their team really is. Sure we scored 44 points, but we should have scored 64 points. Heads should roll. Occasionally people forget it is a post game football show and phone in to point out that the poor kick off returns are the result of Canada being a third rate socialist welfare state.

Tonight is the rematch in Edmonton. The game is just getting underway. If I were betting I would'nt put much on the Eskimos, not if you want to feed your kids. Actually it is officially known as the Alberta Pork Sports Labour Day Classic Rematch, which is mouthier than Mundare Sausage. I was trying to think of something funny to write about a government funded Pork Lobby group sponsoring a football game but nothing came up that was remotely publishable.

The Eskimos and the Edmonton media are in a complete state of shock that this could be happening to them. Eventually they'll have to deal with it and re-tool it for next year. Please recommend this post

Klein's Farewell Song

I thought we should all get together and sing a song to send the Premier off since this is hopefully his last day in the Alberta Legislature.

This little ditty is sung to the tune of Henry Kissinger by Monty Python. I hope they don't sue me for hacking their lyrics.

Do try to stay in key.

a one a two ...

Dear Mr. Premier
We won't be missing yer
You're not the Leader in our dreams
Your too much to bear with your Boozy stare
And your Machiavellian schemes

I know they say that you are very vain
And short and fat and pushy at least you're not insane
Mr Premier
we won't be missing yer
Just wishing you were gone

Mr. Premier
they're all dismissing yer
Looks like yer out on the street
With your cowboy clothes and your red light nose
You're like a mayor from beecee

All right so people say that you don't care
but the gays know where they stand
and the poor don't have a prayer.

Mr. Premier
Get out the fishin gear
We're happy you are done.

Please recommend this post

Alberta's Bill 208 Summarized

Please recommend this post

Swearing At Children

There are certain days you always remember, not because something big happened but because several small improbable and largely unrelated things happen within weird proximity to one another. I was walking down 10th ave sw on the way home from work when I stubbed my toe on this huge rock on the sidewalk. Without thinking i blurted out oh *. You know the word, the one that rhymes with those things Ford builds tough. Normally, I don't talk like that and I don't want anyone to think I do, but damn that hurt. Just as the words flew out of my mouth I looked up to see two little girls staring at me with eyes that were bigger than the Olsen twins the first time they read their bank statements. Mom was glaring. Not my mom, theirs. My mom refuses to walk me to work. I felt like saying, what's wrong with you little twits, haven't you ever heard an IT professional talk? Or O come on, like mommy and daddy haven't thrown that one at each other. Anyway, I felt horrible, just horrible.

On 10th avenue near 14th street there is this old building that has Jim Dinning signs plastered all over it. I walk by it every day and assumed that the business owners were Dinning supporters or they were gunning for Government contracts. It turns out that this ugly little shack is Dinning's Calgary campaign headquarters. It seemed incongruous. I was shocked. The Tory elite meeting in a trailer park?

While walking near this building I'll be damned if I did'nt stub the same toe on another rock. It hurt so much the second time that I nearly went flying through the air spastically. As I was stumbling I saw a dude walking behind me. It was Jim Dinning himself in all his Tory Glory. I was beside myself. Here I am stumbling and cursing like an indigent right in front of our next Premier.

So I said hello and asked him if the building was really his campaign headquarters. He said yes, or something like yes. He struck me as friendly and easy going. I really wanted to ask him what he thought of Morton's sick minded bill 208, which by the way, made me angrier about Politicians than I have been for quite some time. I would have asked Mr. Dinning this question but some Tory Stepford Wives got to him first. I think I could guess his answer anyway, at least in the sense that it would be a non-answer. The front runner has the luxury of not debating on any issues that come up. And Dinning, from all that I can remember, has always been big on rhetoric and small on content. Like all politicians, he speaks in passive voiced platitudes and not in specifics.

Not a few yards away there was a panhandler who is there every day with a huge sign that explains his homelessness, hunger and need for donations. The sign is a bit wordy and I've been meaning to offer to help him tighten it up a bit. I'd be happy to do that but I would'nt want to insult the guy.

Seeing the nicely dressed Dinning campaign supporters walk by the panhandler on their way to a meeting was bizarre. With or without Jim Dinning this province sure has a lot of work to do on social issues and infrastructure. One hopes the ruling party can pry themselves away from gay bashing long enough to consider it. Please recommend this post

French To Fix Middle East

From the CBC...

France boosted its contribution to a United Nations peacekeeping force for Lebanon on Thursday, hours after a top European Union official said he wants fresh troops there by next week.

French President Jacques Chirac announced an extra 1,600 soldiers, bringing his country's total contribution to 2,000 troops. France also offered to command the force.

Well, ain't that old school.

I think I speak for a lot of people when I note what excellent work the French have done in the Middle East over the last few centuries. Really, stellar work. I does'nt surprise me they are being invited back.

I don't expect them to commit any atrocities or display a hyper-nationalistic colonial attitude. Why would you ask that? Maybe if it works out well for the French in Lebanon they could drop by Algeria on the way home and help out a bit.

I should'nt make fun of France. Its actually pretty important that peace-keepers get there asap. I'm cynical about the whole thing. For some reason I have a bad feeling it is going to go south. It could turn into a 5 way shooting match.

And I'm very very proud as a Canadian that our Prime Minister has made it impossible for us to be taken seriously as diplomats or peace-keepers. Good work. Can't wait to see whats next. Please recommend this post

The Dog Barfed Up My Policy

A few days ago I posted this about Ed Stelmach policy statements. I finally found the document I read before. It was a speech given to the Goldbar PC Riding Association not long ago. You have to read the whole thing. It is so convoluted and mental it will make you cry. It made me cry and I'm pretty shallow. I felt like e.e. cummings looking for the cap-locks key. Sorry, I've just been dying to use that line.

Anyway, the part that caught my eye was a few comments on proportional representation. I'll let Ed talk now:

But I will be perfectly clear that if some want to make changing our system of elections to a "proportional representation" system, put me on the record opposing it.

As the Leader of the Progressive Conservative Party, I will not make it my legacy to get more NDP or Liberal members elected. If they can win on the ground, or in the hearts of Albertans, then fine.

But let's not fool ourselves by getting caught up this red hearing(sic) debate that it would be better to have less community representation and more ideological representation.

Here is my reasoning for advocating change in our party and not in our system.

Proportional representation will give legitimized voice to the extremes in politics, and if politics existed without the media, there is a possibility that within the confines of the legislature, a balanced approach would be the result.

But in today's world, the natural competitive media would give disproportionate attention to extreme positions giving rise to wedge politics

Oy. Whoever barfed this up should'nt be sleeping well at night. This is traditional conservative rhetoric. The voters can't be trusted because they might vote "extreme". The media can't be trusted because they might "legitimize" what people actually voted for. Ed, like the entire ruling parting sweats bullets at the idea of losing control over the peasants.

The other thing deeply disturbing - or Funny, depending on your mood, is the fact that Ed can't tell the difference between the party and the government. Do you think that's from being in power too long.

Its time to update my Alberta Dictionary:

Community Representation: Conservative Representation.
Ideological Representation: Non-Conservative representation.
Wedge Politics: An idea that is not approved by the ruling party.

Read the whole speech here.

Updated July 24, 2006: Added a link to the speech in the first paragraph. Fixed a couple of HTML problems. Please recommend this post

Our 2nd and 3rd Line of Defense

I woke up to the news this morning that Airports were not allowing women to fly with bras that have gel implants. Yowser. When I heard that my tin foil hat flew off and slammed into my vintage Farah Fawcett poster. They are willing to make an exception if the bra can be classified as a prosthetic. Women being yanked out of long line-ups be questioned about the composition of their bras, in front of their shocked and surprised partners. She gels out? Who knew. I really wanted to be the first blogger to point out that a woman with a prosthetic gel bra can also be a terrorist. No free passes.

Meanwhile, Israeli doctors make a wild claim that a woman's silicone implants saved her life. Shrapnel from a Hizbollah rocket embedded in her chest and the implants, apparently, stopped the shrapnel only a few critical centimetres from her heart. Thus, the proud and defiant, and brave breasts of Israeli woman are standing up to the evil of Hizbollah. This will give a whole new meaning when she finally has a medal pinned on her chest.

Not to be outdone Lebanese doctors reported that a woman and 53 family members were saved when a building collapsed on top of them. The woman's large implants held up the building just long enough until rescuers arrived. Sorry, I went Oniony there for a moment.

President Bush upon hearing of the incident:

The evil doers hate our way of life and our...breasts (akward hand cupping gesture) are a very important line of...defense. Our implants have to hold out 100% of the time to keep America safe while the evil doers need only to get around our implants just once to cause their massive death. Because death is the way they kill. They never stop thinking of ways to harm us, and neither do we.

Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld was questioned as to whether he thought there were sufficient silicone implants around to protect Americans, said,

Do we have enought implants to go around? Probably not. Are we working on this problem. (Weird hand gestures) Sure we are. Look, you don't fight terrorism with the implants you wish you had, you fight them with the implants you have.

Later that day at lunch:

Do you enjoy my company?
Yes sweetie, of course I do. You make me feel happy. And safe, very very safe.


Put on your breastplate of righteousness it's going to be a long fight.

Link Please recommend this post

The Dog Ate My Policy

(If you can't see the above image clearly, right click, view image.)

Progressive Conservative leadership candidate Ed Stelmach seems to have launched a new website recently. Not everything is complete, as you can see by the surreal promise of future policy statements. Generally, you try not to do this sort of thing on a website. It seems kind of amatuer.

The only policy information that caught my eye on the old website was the fact that Stelmach opposes proportional representation for the Province of Alberta. It seems odd that he would single out this policy but it is not surprising considering how many seats the Progressive Conservatives would lose under a fairer non-archaic system.

I wish i would have grabbed Stelmach's explanation from the old website, but i can paraphrases it somewhat: I oppose proportional representation because it would reward the Liberals and NDP with more seats and I oppose that because they should win more seats under the current system if they really want them. If I'm not characterizing this correctly, I'll most certainly post an update.

Stelmach's policy coming soon graphic unwittingly captures the Klein era perfectly. My memories of the Klein era will always be the constant announcements of how smart they are and the big plans they have for fixing things, and the constant rejection and ridiculing of outside ideas. Everything was always coming soon. When you think about Health Care for example, aside from all the announcements and symposiums about reform what did they really do?

The reason I'm not all that impressed with the list of candidates trying to replace the Premier, aside from the obvious fact that I'm not a Progressive Conservative party member, is the fact that they are almost all long term insiders. They now cite all these problems that need fixing and claim to have the solutions. But none of them had the integrity to speak up in the last 12 years while government was deteriorating under Mr. Klein. That is a huge credibility problem.

All strongmen eventually get pulled down, and all ruling parties eventually get voted out. The Mexicans did it to their long term ruling party, Canadians did it to the Federal Liberals. Democracy often breaks out unexpectedly in the most unlikely of places. Will Albertans figure it out? Please recommend this post

Madonna's Big Hangup

Madonna's latest tour which recently played in Rome has a moment where she elevates herself up on this huge cross. The Vatican reacted as expected by condemning the show as blasphemous. Apparently doing this in Rome heightened the offense, because Rome, they say, is the cradle of Christianity. Here we go again with the not our back yard because we are more moral than you speech. (aka NIOBYWMMTYS - pronounced NeeObeeWimmisTiss)

Madonna as a person I find very interesting, the music not so much. She weighs the risks and rewards of offending people and almost always reaps the rewards of increased publicity. The Vatican and other religious leaders do not always properly weigh the risks of reacting to every offensive piece of art that comes along. Mostly they end up looking like they have far too much time on their hands. Madonna hanging on a glittery cross is the low hanging fruit of outrage. I think of it as a poor use of mental energy in a very very troubled world.

Eventually we will all be senior citizens. The young folk will view Madonna the same way we view Lawrence Welk. There will be review shows with Madonna impersonators hanging themselves on crosses playing to drunk seniors in Las Vegas and Canmore. We'll take a swig of hooch and say man those were the days. Our children will be embarassed when they come to visit us in our seniors residences and there is some 80 year old re-enacting Madonna's crossapalooza and everyone's singing along to Like A Virgin in warbly seniors voices. Many will wander off into the woods when its 30 below. What we find sacriligious and edgy today will someday be the backdrop to a Depends commercial. Maybe Madonna will become an incontinence spokesperson.

With Madonna's upcoming concerts in Germany, the German government is apparently going to watch her to see if she violates any one of the numerous laws regarding the insulting of religions. The German people must be very proud that they have a Government that cares enough about them that they can divert law enforcement people from the War on Terrors to keep an eye on Madonna. Keeping an eye on Madonna would be hard hard work. Hero's work, really. I picture two state security types sitting in the back row inconspicuously watching for any sign of blaspemy. The one guys says, Hey, is'nt that Osama bin Laden over there?, the other guy says, Shush. I think she just said God is Dead.

The other thing I don't understand is why the Muslim and Jewish leaders in Italy were also outraged by the performance. Are they swarming? Have they formed some kind of blasphemy reciprocity treaty. I like it better when someone insulted Christianity and some Jewish leader would shrug his shoulders and say, well he was never really our first choice for Messiah you know. The world is upside down if you can't even rely on interfaith bad will anymore. It also occurred to me - and the next part is a little delicate to express - it occurred to me that Jews and Muslims might just be a little jealous because they don't have anything quite as spectacular as the crucifixion and resurrection. Moses and Mohammed both died quietly after long lives. Moses did record the details of his own death in the latter part of the book of Deuteronomy which is rather stunning. But it is no stone rolling resurrection.

We pause here for a joke from our sponsor:

Masochist: Hey, can you help me nail myself to this cross?
Sadist: Nope.

I think the only fair way to look at this is to acknowledge that no one person or groups owns the symbols of a religion or culture. After 2000 years of having Christian symbolism embedded in our collective unconscious there are innumerable ways those symbols will show up in art. Not all will appeal to everyone. Would you rather have Madonna vogueing on a fake cross, or, someone lighting a cross on fire on your lawn?

If I were Madonna's choreographer (which would be sooo gay) I would suggest she put Bush and Blair effegies on smaller crosses on either side. After all, Christ was crucified between two criminals. For an encore I'd have some dance routine that represents Michael Moore being fed to the Olson Twins. Please recommend this post

Alberta Dictionary: Oberging

I'm still wondering where Lyle Oberg's skeletons are. When he got kicked out of the Government caucus he was widely quoted:

The premier does'nt want me as a back bencher, I know where all the skeletons are buried.

Oberg is about as good with metaphors as he is with running government departments. Skeletons are not buried, they're hidden in closets. Why would you bury a skeleton? Some cultures in Africa put their dead ones in caves then come back years later and gather the dried out bones for burial. I'm sure that's what Oberg was talking about. Africa. But lets not get all Cliff Claveny.

The comment almost screams for an enquiry into Alberta Government corruption. But only Federal Liberals are corrupt, correct?

Not long after he made this flippant comment Graham Thompson of the Edmonton Journal asked him about the skeleton comment and got a stupid answer. I have to quote the whole exchange to give the full picture of Oberg's shallowness:

Oberg: First of all I want to make something absolutely, 100 per cent clear here. The integrity of this government and the integrity of Premier Klein can never be challenged. When I was talking about skeletons, I was talking about gaps in policy. I was talking about being the back bench member that was going to go out and talk about weaknesses in policy, talk about policy in general and bring forward constructive ideas about how we can change policy.
Reporter: Usually the word skeleton is not used in that context.
Oberg: Hey, I'm a doctor.
(laughter in the room)
Reporter (me) looking for clarification: Would you care to help me out here?
Oberg: The bottom line on this one is as a previous backbencher I went and looked at policy, I went and looked at policy that would make Albertans better, that would make Alberta better. That's what I saw at that time, I saw my role as a backbencher, as a government member, to bring out gaps in policy, to be able to show Albertans what direction we can go. As a member who is no longer a government backbencher, I will be doing the same thing, I will be offering constructive ideas on issues that I feel affect Albertans.
Reporter: Then what are some of the gaps?
Oberg: I'll give you a good example. Highway 63 (from Edmonton to Fort McMurray) which is one that was in my particular portfolio. The policy is that we will not twin a road until there are 10,000 vehicles per day. Highway 63, according to the last count, had a vehicle count of about 38-hundred. Quite simply, we know, you know, Albertans know that Highway 63 has to be twinned. So, we went ahead and did it, we changed the policy, we took the policy and we basically said this policy does not affect Highway 63. And those are the types of ideas that need to be brought forward, that need to have good, open discussion in Alberta.

Yep absolutely 100% clear. You wonder why Oberg did'nt just say, I know where all the gaps are, and as a back-bencher I sure will find them all and fix them because thats what we backbenchers do. Gap-finding, gap-fixing all day long. Did I say skeleton's in the closet? Well obviously you all know that means policy gaps. When I use a metaphor I choose it to mean exactly what I want it to mean. Mangling metaphors is a solid step towards good open discussion. The integrity of Premier Klein can be challenged quite easily, just not by ambitious boot lickers. So I guess he's half right. But in order to challenge him, I guess you would have to find him.

Meanwhile..according to the Alberta Infrastructure website only preliminary studies have been started on twinning Highway 63. They do not know yet how much it will cost. The Government has not allocated any money to this 6 year project. The website notes that surveying will go on well into the winter, but they do not say which winter. This huge multi-billion dollar project was all Oberg's doing. He single handedly found that skeleton gap.

An aside: The main reason Oberg requested a return to the Conservative side was because he did not want to sit next to Paul Hinman (of the AA party) any longer. There is a chance that if Mr Hinman rises to address the Legislature with one of his boiler plate anti-gay speeches that God Almighty might strike him with lightning on account of the well known fact that God does not particularly care for bigotry. If that happens Hinman's head could explode and spray cream cheese all over one of Oberg's $2000 suits. Oberg believes it would be very unfair for the taxpayer to have to pay for all that dry cleaning. And we all know that he always puts the people first. He's just that kind of guy. He finds and fixes gaps.

Where were we?

As a result of this unfortunate semantic retardation I've added the term Oberging to my Alberta Dictionary Project.

Oberging means to falsely imply that you could be a whistle blower in exchange for personal gain, but then renege on the promise because you don't really care about the integrity of Governement, just about yourself.

I think i see a gap... Please recommend this post

No Veto For The Wicked

If you are an embryo you will be pleased to know that you no longer have to duck and cover when an evil scientist, like this one...

...comes along and wants to kill you. That guy looks like he wakes up every morning just salivating at the idea of killing life. His only sadistic goal is to make a little Tarantino movie in that petrie dish. Thank God Americans have a President who can see that.

Science is so bogus anyway.

On the other hand if you're a family living in Northern Israel or Southern Lebanon there's no Presidential Veto coming for you, just missiles. You're on your own. The sooner you realize that your life and the lives of your children are less important than some microscopic tissue samples the better off you will be.

Reference Please recommend this post

Speechless

I find myself speechless when people come up with hilarious stuff like this. One part of me wants to wet myself laughing but another part is completely fatigued by the reality of anti-gay bigotry. Mostly fatigued. Please recommend this post

Asymetrical Blogger Rage

More awful news:

WASHINGTON(FF)

In response to grandstanding and potentially threatening suicides among terror suspects at Guantanomo bay 20 Senior Pentagon officials committed suicide today. A spokesperson for the Pentagon, speaking on condition of anonymity said the Generals decided to show an overwhelming show of force in response to the asymetrical warfare being waged by three detainees at Guantanamo.

The spokesperson went on to say that the Generals would stop killing themselves just as soon as the detainees stopped killing themselves in such a dramatic and attention seeking manner. The European Union has condemned the Pentagon for what they believe is an over-reaction, but President Bush defended the suicide offensive saying that the detainee suicides were a threat to America and its values. My most important job, said President Bush, is to protect the American people from attention seeking suicides.

Peter Mackay appeared to be caught off guard when asked how long it would take to evacuate all the Canadians at the Pentagon who are in extremely dangerous circumstances with all the swinging bodies and stray self-inflicted gun shots. Mackay said the External Affairs is doing all it can and that he has been masterbating quite a bit lately.

Vice President Cheney was at the top of a list of senior administration officials who were scheduled to commit suicide today if cease-suicide demands were not met. A spokesperson for Cheney's office indicated that he received a deferment due to an heretofore undetected pilodinal cyst. In Cheney's place suicides will be carried out by two data entry clerks and a yet to be outed CIA analyst.

Prime Minister Harper issued a statement saying the Americans had a right to defend their country and that so far he considered their response measured, and also noted that President Bush and his administration were a beacon of light and hope to the world.

Read More Please recommend this post

Daily Biking Musical Selections

While riding from downtown Calgary to home, I listened to the following tunes while desperately avoiding goofy two across roller bladers and goofy people with their flotation devices who think its actually safe to float on the Bow River. Someday I'll write about my horrible experience Canoing on the Bow.

Rob has a right to act in self-defense by putting good tunes on his mp3 player, and quite frankly I feel his selections are measured.

...

1. O Beauteous Heavenly Light - Jane Siberry
2. Jesus Christ The Apple Tree - Jane Siberry

A dude told me a story the other day about meeting Jane Siberry at a dinner party in Calgary. I could'nt even follow the story it was so weird.

3. Escarpment Blues - Sarah Harmer

A song about environmental damage. We send this one out to Rona Ambrose.

4. The Whole Night Sky - Bruce Cockburn

One of my all time favourite Cockburn songs, capturing the overall mood of the day.

They turned their backs i made it too hard,
every place they touched me is a laceration now
sometimes a wind comes out of nowhere and knocks you off your feet
and look see my tears, they fill the whole night sky...

4. October 70 - James Keelaghan

I wish I'd found out about James Keelaghan sooner. He writes incredible songs about Canadian history. The backdrop to this song is the FLQ crisis of 1970. I was not very old when that happened. I was kind of a doofus. I'd come home from school watch the images of soldiers in the streets, Trudeau talking tough, read about Pierre Laporte, flip the channel and watch something about Vietnam or Nixon. Things blowing up. People on fire screaming. Usual response: Can we have fish-sticks? I was a doofus. Awareness of the world grows to slow for some. Too fast for others.

5. My Sweet Lord - George Harrison - Concert for Bangladesh Live

My all time favourite Harrison song. He was the smartest of the 4. Love the guitar riff which may or may not be plagiarized. Personally I think not.

6. I'm A Mountain - Sarah Harmer

Wicked and wild Piano solo.

You must decide if you will die or grow

7. Gordon Lightfoot - The Way I Feel

Not my favourite Lightfoot tune but even his worst tune towers.

8. Way Over Yonder in the Minor Key

Billy Bragg sings a Woody Guthrie standard. A little cheeky. Natalie Merchant sings harmony.

Her mama cut a switch from a cherry tree
And laid it on to she and me
It stung lots worse than a hive of bees
But there ain't nobody that can sing like me
Ain't nobody that can sing like me

Hence the name Woody. For the longest time I thought he was singing "Harvard Bees" instead of "Hive of Bees". Googled Harvard Bees. Nothing. There was an urban legend about a guy who thought Jimi Hendrix was gay because he sang "Scuze me while I kiss this guy."

9. Pacing the Cage - Bruce Cockburn

Sunset is an angel weeping
Holding out a bloody sword
No matter how I squint I cannot
Make out what it's pointing toward
Sometimes you feel like you live too long
Days drip slowly on the page
You catch yourself
Pacing the cage

Conservative Majority.
Sorry, I don't know why I blurted that out.
Harper's a useless fascist.
Stop it. You're tired. Lets move on.

10. In The Falling Dark - Bruce Cockburn

Earthbound while everything expands
So many grains of sand
Slipping from hand to hand
Catching the light and falling into dark
The world fades out like an overheard remark
In the falling dark

Trivia: Apparently written sitting on Murray McLaughlin's roof watching the sunset.

Someday, I'd like to write a song sitting on top of Murray McLaughlin's roof. Or anyone's roof. If you wrote the world's greatest love song then fell fatally off the roof would that be Irony or Black Humour?

Its been hot all day but the sun is going down here also. The wind is picking up and a storm is moving in. *COUGH*Conservative Majority*COUGH*

Chick next door just brought a guy home. Or maybe he's "the" guy I don't know. They don't really walk up to the house as much as grope up to the house. Hilarious. Driveway foreplay. What are we animals are human beings I ask you? I hope her mother comes over with a switch from a cherry tree. Please recommend this post

In A Corner Backed In

Another postcard from the edge:

I find myself in a moral dilemma trying to figure out what's going on between Israel and Lebanon and how to form an opinion on it. My gut reaction to Mr. Harper's comments that Israel was acting in self defence and was demonstrating a measured response was not very good. Part of the problem is the twisted language. Orwell's ghost sighs with exasperation. Can't you people grow up and say what you mean. I have no idea what self defense means anymore and measured is just one of those words that does'nt really mean anything except that its intended to make us feel better about the death of people in both countries. I've never trusted Economists to speak clearly.

When the news came out that a Canadian family from Montreal was killed while visiting in Southern Lebanon I was absolutely fuming with the seeming recklessness of the IDF. I don't believe for a second that the IDF deliberately wanted to kill Canadians or any other civilians, I just wonder how these things happen, especially in the age of advanced weapon technology. I wondered how Mr. Harper would talk his way out of the seeming contradiction. Israel defends itself in a measured manner by accidentally killing a Canadian family and other civilians. How do you stand up with a straight face and tell people you support this. I have a sick feeling that Canada's position on the middle east has been radically changed by a minority government without any discussion at all. There's a debate you can look forward to with fear and loathing.

We have a pretty complacent life here in North America. Our hearts bleed a little when people die en masse in the third world. But then there's all that hockey to watch. Then we hear that some Americans or Canadians were killed and all our moral outrage starts pouring out. If you allow yourself a moment of reflection you start to ask yourself why one man's life is more important to you than another. It will be interesting to see how the Canadian media reacts to this family being killed. I wonder how they would react if Hezbollah had killed them.

The classic right/left positions don't really work and never have. Right wing thinking says that you have to approve of everything that Israel does or else you are anti-semitic and support terrorism. Typical leftist thinking offers too much sympathy to the Palistinian leaders who choose terrorism as a tactic and offer no hope to their people. Both positions are full of crap. A classic case of the coercive false dilemma. With us or against us can't be the only two choices because neither offers any hope.

If anything I suspect I have a bias towards Israel and a lack of understanding of the other side. I actually know very little about the Palestinians and their history. I have a pretty good nose for historical BS. You sort of have to because there's so much of it. I find it hard to get through the first paragraph of a lot of what I read because it is so full of hate and misinformation.

Our biases in North America are mostly cultural and religious. Most Canadians, such as myself, grew up going to Sunday School and learning about the history and religion of the Jewish People since most of their scriptures were co-opted into our Christian Bible. Christianity has always explained itself by using the Jewish Nation, History and Symbolism as a metaphor for the Church. I can see from the wacky rapture-ready web sites that this has caused all kinds of perverted thinking. Do they really need to cheer for the death of Palestians to feel closer to Christ and his return?

I also find myself not understanding why Israel keeps getting drawn into the same wars over and over again when it is clear that the approach is not working. I have trouble understanding why the Palestinian leadership repeatedly puts its civilians in such deadly and hopeless circumstances.

Dante was supposed to have written, The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crises maintain their neutrality. Well, he's only half right. Hell also reserves a places for people who coerce side-picking in a crisis where both sides are plain and deadly wrong. Please recommend this post

Slum Landlord

It should come as no surprise that our provincial government has not been keeping up with the maintenance and repair costs of Calgary's public school facilities. It has been well publicized lately. As a result we have numerous cases of ceilings falling in, electrical panels that have to be wrapped in plastic because the rain can't be kept out and students disrupted by having to be moved to other schools on short notice. I have not heard anything about conditions in Edmonton, but I would doubt they are any better, especially if you live in a riding that did'nt vote for the government.

According to estimates the cost of the deferred maintenance is around 425 million dollars.[1] This does not include capital projects that the government said they were committed to but have never funded. Why would a government with multi-billion dollar budget surpluses defer maintenance on publicly owned assets? Could it be they are philosophically opposed to publicly owned assets? No, that could'nt possibly be true. If it were true we'd expect them to also be ruining the public health care system...

The education minister apparently has no say in the way the education system is funded, and would much rather take a publicly funded trip to the Ukraine, where he does not have to hear about leaky ceilings and electrocution. When asked about whether the government would cough up the needed money Mr. Zwozdesky shrugs his shoulders and says apathetically, all we can do is ask. Poor Gene, he's not part of the inner circle. Therefore wet ceiling tiles will fall on little Timmy's head while he's trying to do calculus.

Meanwhile the Premier muses about another prosperity cheque and announces that Alberta is actually a Republican State. While the Premier wanna-be's engage in a pointless who's more bitter about the National Energy Program contest. It is truly surreal. Its a Stanley Kubrick movie and we play the peasants.

It is an appalling lack of judgment to let valuable assets slip into disrepair because the problems get worse and more expensive to fix. But thats what slum landlords do.

[1]The Alberta NDP cites $425M. The Alberta Liberal Party cites $420M. The Calgary Sun cites $425M. These estimates were likely obtained from the Calgary Board of Education. Please recommend this post

Picking Italy

I'm picking Italy to win in the World Cup 2006 final. I have some Euros riding on this prediction, but not enough to draw the attention of the Bishop of Calgary who apparently opposes gambling. The game will finish with a 1-1 tie and the Italians will win in a shoot-out.

Historically the French do not defend their territory very well and this will be a problem against the Italians whose game is built on spending a lot of time in the other teams end.

J'en suis désolé mes amis français. Peut-être prochaine.

Afterthought 1:
People will be googling Italians shoot-out and will end up here. Good thing I did'nt mention Etobicoke. Please recommend this post

My Heat Oppressed Brain

In a recent interview Keanu Reeves admits the fact that he was in a few fairly crappy movies. He goes on to say that he would like to do a film version of Shakespeare's MacBeth. He claims he can do a Scots accent, even without having a stroke first. The accent is probably the least of his worries in this difficult play. MacBeth is a complex complex character who gets screwed over by his wife and three English witches.

My suggestion is he talk Sandra Bullock into playing Lady MacBeth. They say that role is a bitch to play. The risk of Sandra Bullock playing Lady MacBeth is that some smart ass in the back row will yell, Hey, how can we make this Bus go below 50?

Another suggestion - modernize the story a bit. Replace the witches with Chartered Accountants. Or Bank Managers.

I actually think he could do it. It could not possibly be any worse than Mel Gibson's Hamlet With Turrettes, or Roman Polanski's 1971(?) version of MacBeth, with the skanky naked witches and all the senseless fast paced horse back riding, and more continuity problems than our Federal Government's environmental policy. Please recommend this post

Foreign Accent Syndrome

I just read the most amazing science article on the BBC website. It was even more amazing than the CBC article about the scientists putting stilts on Ant's legs to see how they measure distance. Ants on Stilts!

A woman in Newcastle UK had a stroke and after she woke up she could only speak in Jamaican, French Canadian, and Slovakian accents.

It does not surprise me that Doctors have a Diagnostic code for this, referring to it as Foreign Accent Syndrome. It is a bona fide brain disorder that occurrs very rarely in stroke victims.

If, God forbid, I should have a stroke, I would be very pleased to receive a very thick and hearty Nigerian accent. Finnish would be cool too.

It could be that the brain hears an accent here and there throughout the person's life then tries to use that information to relearn speech. Or maybe it is some form of hysteria brought on by the trauma of the stroke. I wonder how Freud would have explained this. He would have positively wet himself with a case like this.

Anyway its fascinating, no?

I think I smell burning toast...

Links:
Foreign Accent Syndrome
Ants On Stilts Please recommend this post

Pronger Wants Out

Not long after the Oilers ended their season it became known that Chris Pronger had requested to be traded.

Why on earth would anyone want out of Edmonton? *coughdumpcough*

This did not come as a complete surprise to me because even though he signed a five year deal the rumors were persistent. No one is really explaining the reason for the request which leaves the Edmonton Journal and Edmonton Sun no choice but to write mean and petty gossip. The Sun makes a personal attack on Pronger's wife referring to her as Yoko[1], then uses a deliberately deceitful choice of words that would leave stupid readers believing the Pronger marriage is in trouble, which in any case, is no one's business. Why don't they just get it over with and merge with the World Weekly News...or maybe even Macleans.

(Note: The Edmonton Sun Sunshine girls are looking especially manly and butch this week. And No, I don't want to know why.)

It is total speculation on my part, but what about some of the following possible reasons Pronger wants to move elsewhere.
a) The family finds the over the top obsessive know-it-all hockey culture and the petulant in-bred media a little too much.
b) They want to be closer to friends and family elsewhere.
c) Mayor Mandell has developed an unseemly crush on young Chris.
d) The family wants some privacy once in a while and realize they will never get it in Edmonton.
e) Dave Hancock.
f) Some other personal situation we don't know about, but would probably make sense to us if we did know.

Maybe once in a while people should just take a step back and shut the * up. Not everyone has to explain everthing all the time.

...

[1] Yoko Ono did not break up the Beatles and I get a little tired of hearing her name used as an epithet by careless writers. Go abuse someone who deserves it, like Celine Dion for example. Please recommend this post

Eve and Malory

I was sitting in the library minding my own business diligently trying to read the thick and murky pages of Christopher Hitchen's Kissinger On Trial. (Which I highly recommend.) Then I noticed a trash novel sitting on the desk across from me. It looked so twisted I had to read the synopsis on the back cover:

"Eve has no idea why she's drawn to the rambling , run-down sorority house at Greenbriar University. There's something compelling about the sultry president, Malory Thomas, and when Malory invites Eve to join the exclusive Fata Morgana, the blond, All-American beauty jumps at the chance to be part of this powerful circle. But behind the facade of female bonding lies something far more sinister - a dangerously secret world of dark magic, unimaginable sin, sexual depravity, and murder...a place where evil not only exists, it thrives...and the cost of membership may be Eve's very soul..." - The Sorority Eve by Tamara Thorne

I'm guessing they're not education majors.

Dear person who writes back of novel stuff: Malory should have two l's. Never ever name a character eve, its crushes what little sublety there is in the story's metaphor. An exclusive Sorority would never live in a run down house. There is no such thing as unimaginable sin. The reason it is sin is because of its imaginability. You don't see a good looking woman and say, oh I'm thinking something sinful...can't put my finger on it...its its...so unimaginable... We lack no details when it comes to sin.

Evil exists and it thrives. I'm so scared. Does it travel around and give motivational speeches? You never have to give up your soul for a sorority, just your brain cells. Could be Eve and Malory don't even have souls. Satan will be pissed when he gets inside them and finds nothing there worth possessing.

This book was probably written as bait for a movie. Satan will be trying to impregnate one or more of the C students in the Sorority, to usher in a apocalyptic age of evil and lower gas prices. He will be thwarted at the last minute by Keannu Reeves. There will be a lot of thwarting. Satan is mostly thwarted with wooden acting. Bruce Willis will run around mumbling in a pork pie hat. They'll be a few boobies.

Have you ever noticed that in American Cinema Satan is always thwarted, while in European Cinema he usually does quite well. I don't get that. Someone will have to do a serious study of that.

I definitely have to read more trash. I'm strangely drawn to bad writing. Feel free to throw that one back at me. Please recommend this post

Planting a Prediction

I woke up this morning thinking of Jacques Plante the Hall of Fame goalie who played from 1958 to 1974. I don't often wake up thinking of swarthy older Quebecois males but there was a piece of trivia that surfaced from my snake pit of a brain. Did you know that Jacques Plante was lured out of retirement to play for the Edmonton Oilers WHA team in 1974-75? This was before he died, but not by much. He had a respectable season that year (3.32) but the league was a little wacky. He played 31 games then retired for good no longer taking phone calls from Bobby Hull or Nelson Skalbania.

(Dude, run on sentences - ed.)

I would like to think that Jacques Plante is looking down from heaven and cheering on the Oilers for tonight's chance at winning their 6th Stanley Cup. An eerie otherworldly presence is just what the Oilers need to Ward off evil.

I noticed today that Jim Rome was talking about the seventh game. He rarely talks about Hockey. I also got the impression he was picking Edmonton to win. Once again the American Media is noticing the Edmonton Oilers. This should piss off the Fan960 radio station which hosts the Jim Rome show since they declared themselves the Official Carolina Hurricans Fan outlet.

Anyway, if the Supreme Intelligent Designer (God for the rest of you) would be so kind as to grant this presumptuous request, I hereby undertake the following solemn oaths.

1. I will become a Missionary. I feel I would be very good in this position.

2. I will give up arson, looting and vandalism on Whyte Avenue for a period of six weeks or months. Oh come on - which one of you has not set fire to something after a Hockey Game, I know I have. Do try to be a little less Victorian.

3. I will take Classical Guitar lessons.

4. I will wear an Oiler's Jersey throught the +15 in downtown Calgary. Repeatedly.

5. I will make the onerous journey to Edmonton for the Parade.

6. I will take in several Stampede Breakfasts wearing Oilers Gear, having always avoided them in the past due to health and sanitation considerations.

7. I will endorse Alana Delong in the Progressive Conservative Leadership race.

8. I will apoligize for saying back in January that it was time to clean house in the Oilers organization.

9. I will spend a moment or two to think about Garnet "Ace" Bailey who played for the Oilers in 1978/1979 and who was killed in the 9-11 attacks.

(That's only 9 - we need 10. Remember symmetry - ed.)

10. Ok. I'll refrain from looking at women with lust in my heart, for an appropriate period of time. Lets work out the details later.

Update - The Morning After: Well, that worked out well. Back to watching soccer players rolling around on the ground. Back to hating God. Pffft. Please recommend this post

Your Weekly Awards Show

The but-its-ok-when-we-do-it award goes to Colleen Klein for her observation that the 55% vote for Premier Klein was the result of dirty politics at its best. I think she meant dirty politics at its worst but who's quibbling. I think Nancy McBeth would agree with her observation and a number of the other walking wounded who have Rod shaped knived dangling out of their backs. It surprises me that all the techniques the Kleins used to get where they are now are suddenly offensive when others are using them. Grow up. What goes around comes around.

The tired cliche award goes to Liberal Leader Kevin Taft who used the deck chair/sinking ship metaphor to describe the most recent Alberta Government cabinet shuffles. Really, I was hoping for something wittier and sharper. Dr. Taft is a smart dude he could have done better. Something like...the talent pool over ther is getting so thin the entire front row has missing teeth and banjos on their laps. Dr. Taft also criticized Premier Klein for not having enough women in cabinet, a situation which was worsened yesterday by Dave Hancock's resignation.

The dead celebrity of the week goes to Gene Pitney. He had a wack of hits in the 60's, but the only ones I can vaguely remember are Town Without Pity and The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. He had this other lesser hit called Mecca, the first verse being:

I live on the West side, she lives on the East side of the stree-ee-eet
And though they say that East is East and West is West
And never the twain shall meet
Each morning I face her window and pray that our love can be
'cause that brownstone house where my baby lives
Is Mecca (Mecca, Mecca, Mecca) Mecca (Mecca, Mecca) to me-e-e-e-e-e.

Its kind of a goofy song when you think about Mecca being used a metaphor for teenage lust. I was listening to this song and thinking to myself that if someone recorded that lyric today there would probably be riots and Danish Cheese maker hostility. The Mullahs would be beside themselves not only because hormones are being juxtaposed with Islam's most sacred site but also because you can't issue a fatwah on someone who just died. I don't think those lyrics would go over very well in our current distemper.

Unfortunately, and I hesitate to bring this up, but that song got me to thinking about the 70 virgins that tradition says each Martyr gets upon reaching paradise. I could probably see where one or two virgins might be appealling - and I'm not sure why, just bear with me - there's a punch line over the horizon some where I'm sure - but after a while you would probably want someone who's been around a bit. What about 2 virgins and 68 girls who've had two or more boyfriends. What 70 virgins? Am I a martyr or a babysitter. Anyway, this whole virgin thing is off base because the virgins have changed quite a bit since the 14th century. They have their own cars and jobs now and occasionally don't get married and have children. The virgins are not sitting around in paradise waiting for the latest doofus to show up for an orgy.

Weren't we supposed to be giving out awards or something? Please recommend this post

Remembering a Real Leader

Reflecting on the life and death (April 4, 1968) of Martin Luther King has a way of putting the silliness and banality of Kleinapalooza into some perspective. King represented a generation of Christian leaders who were pacifist, liberal, and humanist. This tradition of the Christian faith has all but died out in our times. (Hat tip to the Christian Peacemaker Team dudes. )

Our current leaders both Provincial and Federal seem to me as technocratic and anti-humanist in their view of society. They seem to be completely divorced from the type of ideas that Martin Luther King fought and died for. I see that as a fairly large risk going into the future.

If you only read one thing that Dr. King wrote I recommend The Letter from a Birmingham Jail, a piece of writing that is on par with anything written by St. Paul, who, as you may know also scratched out letters from a jail cell.

Which you can read here. Please recommend this post

The Monday Night Disco

Why don't you tell us what music is playing on your computer right now?

Excellent idea unmedicated-voice-in-the-head. First I'd like to say there's no Michael Buble and no Black Eyed Peas. All else aside, I have some dignity.

I believe the last 10 songs got randomly churned out thusly:

1. John Lennon, Across the Universe (Beatles Naked Limited Edition)

I think this is one of Lennon's best songs.

2. Sheryl Crow, Soak up the Sun

The feel good song of the week.

3. Monty Python, Oliver Cromwell

An interesting history lesson about Cromwell and the Puritan Revolution. John Cleese opens the lesson explaining: The most interesting thing about King Charles I was that he was five foot six at the start of his reign but only four foot eight inches tall at the end of it because of .... It goes totally down hill from there. No where else can you hear some British comedians sing about Presbyterians and the Rump Parliament while Eric Idle occasionally yells Oy Vey in the background. A must listen for anyone interested in English history.

4. Jann Arden, Willing to Fall Down

Jann is so sad but also very talented. She makes me sad. Hey, I'm talented too! I think we just had an epiphany.

5. Martha Wainwright, Factory

My first time listing to Martha Wainwright. I think I like.

6. Beatles, Let it Be (Beatles Naked Limited Edition)

This is the stripped down version. I can't say I like as much as the Abby Road version. It is just Paul McCartney, a piano, some overwrought drums and the two dead ones singing light harmony. If you listen closely you can hear baby seals being clubbed in the back masking.

7. Jane Siberry - Jesus Christ the Apple Tree.

My all time favourite hymn. I'm not sure how it became identified with Christmas. From Siberry's Christmas album Shushan the Palace. Sometimes a song brings back memories of a time and place that is hard to express.

8. Blue Shadows with Billy Cowsill - Think On It

I was sad to hear Billy Cowsill passed away recently. My jaw dropped when I saw the list of the songs this guy wrote for the Cowsills and many others. I never knew anything about Billy Cowsill until I went to a Cabaret at the University of Calgary and saw the Blue Shadows. Unbelievable. I think it was the best concert I ever went to. Some guy kept threatening to beat me up all night for no apparent reason at all and his friend kept apoligizing to me. Later the three of us went for a drink. I gave that dude a ride home and he kept thanking me for the ride in between threats of violence.

9. Carrie Newcomer - The Moon Over Tucson

Never have heard of her but it seems tolerable. Seems kind of new agey. But you never know, she could be one of Cheney's hunting companions.

10. Stone Temple Pilots - Dumb Love

Meh. Please recommend this post

Freedom 55

I was surprised when I woke up on Saturday and heard that Premier Klein got only 55% support from his party's delegates. I clearly remember earlier in the week writing down 72% as my prediction. Everyone seemed shocked by the low number but after I thought about it a bit it did'nt seem all that surprising. Up on Centre Street a business has a portable sign that says Ralph Klein's Popularity is Finally Lower than his Blood alcohol level. I just about hit the curb when I saw that. You just don't see that kind of dissent in Calgary very often.

As a mathimatical oddity, the number of delegates required to give the premier 55% is roughly 666 delegates. I guess you could call them the Premier's New World Order Club.

What follows are some loosely connected thoughts on why the vote was so low:

1. The Premier has been retired for at least a year already. Completely disengaged. People notice these things. Alberta is completely unprepared for the future and not dealing with the present.

2. By all accounts his Friday night speech was a disaster. Apparently the response was icier than Emmanuel Sandhu's ass.

3. A lot of people thought a two year leadership race would be ridiculous considering that the Government is already mired in severe state of non-motion. See point 4.

4. Lyle Oberg is thin skinned, obnoxious, vindictive and has very bad hair. But he did have a point. A lot of people are probably grateful that a useless member of the party committed career suicide to get a point across. See point 3.

5. The twinning of highway 63 and the infrastructure problem in Ft. McMurray are real big issues to people north of Edmonton and in Ft. McMurray. I really believe a few votes went against Klein because of inaction on this issue.

6. Not being able to explain proposed Health Care changes to the public, or apparently even the caucus, in sentences that use verbs and nouns, and not just turgid, murky passive voiced platitudes. By the way, Iris Evans is an idiot.
(I'm sorry that was mean. I just thought I'd throw it in.)

7. Throwing the Liberal Party policy manual at the 17 year Legislature page would be the last straw for a lot of people. If I were a delegate I would never ever ever support a leader who behaved that way regardless of any other accomplishments.

8. Ruling partys crave power. The thought of a useless leader ruining their popularity fills them with fear and loathing.

9. There has been a dump Klein movement underway, running under the radar for quite some time now. I believe they have been well organized and effective.

10. Corb Lund won a Juno award for a stupid song about trucks getting stuck in mud. I know, its completely unrelated but it pisses me off and I'm not about to make a completely separate post about a stupid Corb Lund song.

I'm sure there are many more reasons that could be thrown around. But as a result of this unfortunate turn of events, I would just like to offer the Premier some possibilities for his future career.

He could...

Steal his daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool. That damn song has been stuck in my head all day.

Sell his influence, whatever is left, to various corporations to get them favourable government policies or no-bid contracts.

Work with Alberta ranchers to come up with a third way for cattle breeding. Convince them that the current method of breeding is not sustainable.

Work for the Fraser Institute and charge them large sums of money to put his name on the front page of bullshit studies. Sorry, I forgot, he already does that.

Team up with Larry Ryckman and do something really exciting and innovative things on the Alberta Stock Exchange.

Appear as a character witness for Augusto Pinochet when he goes on trial for being a genocidal maniac.

Run his numbered companies full time, whatever it is that those companies actually do.

Go Pheasant hunting with his good pal Dick Cheney. Pound back a few. Pick up some nice looking 50 years old. Lose a bit of face.

Make a full time job out of randomly throwing things at people who don't deserve to have things thrown at them. It could be kind of like a reality show. The simple minded life.

Have a public boxing match with Ezra Levant. What kind of a guy would'nt stick up for his wife after Levant's paper keeps making racial slurs and other pointless ad hominem's against Mrs. Klein.

Keep Barbara Amiel company after Lord Bunny Pants goes directly to jail. Can you tell I miss Frank magazine. Please recommend this post