Labour Day Disaster

It has been a sad week up in Capital City. The day after Labour day marks the half-way point for the CFL season. I think it will extremely likely that the Edmonton Eskimos will miss the playoffs for the first time since 1971. Sure, I was around then, why did you have to bring that up? I sure as heck was'nt going to no rocker camp. Life was pretty tough. We had to sit in those crappy end zone seats in Clarke Stadium and freeze.

Anyway, the Saskatchewan Rough Riders are playing well, and the Eskimos were beat by the Calgary Stampeders on Labour Day. This is why we are saying the Eskimos season is all over. Think of all those bus loads of drunk Eskimo fans heading back up the QE2 last monday night. It was probably a pretty quiet trip without a lot of screaming and tossing of beer soaked underwear. Just sad melancholic drooling.

I was at work on Tuesday morning and it was only 10:00 am before I heard some major league gloating down on street level. One guy says, so we finally beat Edmonton on Labour day. The other guy: Really, that happened once when Klein was mayor I think. A third guy joined them but they were practising male tribal dominance so they would'nt let him talk.

Calgary Stampeder fans are so used to losing they never really think any particular win is good enough. After scoring 44 points against Edmonton people were still phoning the Radio Station expressing a weird kind of skepticism about how good their team really is. Sure we scored 44 points, but we should have scored 64 points. Heads should roll. Occasionally people forget it is a post game football show and phone in to point out that the poor kick off returns are the result of Canada being a third rate socialist welfare state.

Tonight is the rematch in Edmonton. The game is just getting underway. If I were betting I would'nt put much on the Eskimos, not if you want to feed your kids. Actually it is officially known as the Alberta Pork Sports Labour Day Classic Rematch, which is mouthier than Mundare Sausage. I was trying to think of something funny to write about a government funded Pork Lobby group sponsoring a football game but nothing came up that was remotely publishable.

The Eskimos and the Edmonton media are in a complete state of shock that this could be happening to them. Eventually they'll have to deal with it and re-tool it for next year. Please recommend this post

Klein's Farewell Song

I thought we should all get together and sing a song to send the Premier off since this is hopefully his last day in the Alberta Legislature.

This little ditty is sung to the tune of Henry Kissinger by Monty Python. I hope they don't sue me for hacking their lyrics.

Do try to stay in key.

a one a two ...

Dear Mr. Premier
We won't be missing yer
You're not the Leader in our dreams
Your too much to bear with your Boozy stare
And your Machiavellian schemes

I know they say that you are very vain
And short and fat and pushy at least you're not insane
Mr Premier
we won't be missing yer
Just wishing you were gone

Mr. Premier
they're all dismissing yer
Looks like yer out on the street
With your cowboy clothes and your red light nose
You're like a mayor from beecee

All right so people say that you don't care
but the gays know where they stand
and the poor don't have a prayer.

Mr. Premier
Get out the fishin gear
We're happy you are done.

Please recommend this post

Alberta's Bill 208 Summarized

Please recommend this post

Swearing At Children

There are certain days you always remember, not because something big happened but because several small improbable and largely unrelated things happen within weird proximity to one another. I was walking down 10th ave sw on the way home from work when I stubbed my toe on this huge rock on the sidewalk. Without thinking i blurted out oh *. You know the word, the one that rhymes with those things Ford builds tough. Normally, I don't talk like that and I don't want anyone to think I do, but damn that hurt. Just as the words flew out of my mouth I looked up to see two little girls staring at me with eyes that were bigger than the Olsen twins the first time they read their bank statements. Mom was glaring. Not my mom, theirs. My mom refuses to walk me to work. I felt like saying, what's wrong with you little twits, haven't you ever heard an IT professional talk? Or O come on, like mommy and daddy haven't thrown that one at each other. Anyway, I felt horrible, just horrible.

On 10th avenue near 14th street there is this old building that has Jim Dinning signs plastered all over it. I walk by it every day and assumed that the business owners were Dinning supporters or they were gunning for Government contracts. It turns out that this ugly little shack is Dinning's Calgary campaign headquarters. It seemed incongruous. I was shocked. The Tory elite meeting in a trailer park?

While walking near this building I'll be damned if I did'nt stub the same toe on another rock. It hurt so much the second time that I nearly went flying through the air spastically. As I was stumbling I saw a dude walking behind me. It was Jim Dinning himself in all his Tory Glory. I was beside myself. Here I am stumbling and cursing like an indigent right in front of our next Premier.

So I said hello and asked him if the building was really his campaign headquarters. He said yes, or something like yes. He struck me as friendly and easy going. I really wanted to ask him what he thought of Morton's sick minded bill 208, which by the way, made me angrier about Politicians than I have been for quite some time. I would have asked Mr. Dinning this question but some Tory Stepford Wives got to him first. I think I could guess his answer anyway, at least in the sense that it would be a non-answer. The front runner has the luxury of not debating on any issues that come up. And Dinning, from all that I can remember, has always been big on rhetoric and small on content. Like all politicians, he speaks in passive voiced platitudes and not in specifics.

Not a few yards away there was a panhandler who is there every day with a huge sign that explains his homelessness, hunger and need for donations. The sign is a bit wordy and I've been meaning to offer to help him tighten it up a bit. I'd be happy to do that but I would'nt want to insult the guy.

Seeing the nicely dressed Dinning campaign supporters walk by the panhandler on their way to a meeting was bizarre. With or without Jim Dinning this province sure has a lot of work to do on social issues and infrastructure. One hopes the ruling party can pry themselves away from gay bashing long enough to consider it. Please recommend this post

French To Fix Middle East

From the CBC...

France boosted its contribution to a United Nations peacekeeping force for Lebanon on Thursday, hours after a top European Union official said he wants fresh troops there by next week.

French President Jacques Chirac announced an extra 1,600 soldiers, bringing his country's total contribution to 2,000 troops. France also offered to command the force.

Well, ain't that old school.

I think I speak for a lot of people when I note what excellent work the French have done in the Middle East over the last few centuries. Really, stellar work. I does'nt surprise me they are being invited back.

I don't expect them to commit any atrocities or display a hyper-nationalistic colonial attitude. Why would you ask that? Maybe if it works out well for the French in Lebanon they could drop by Algeria on the way home and help out a bit.

I should'nt make fun of France. Its actually pretty important that peace-keepers get there asap. I'm cynical about the whole thing. For some reason I have a bad feeling it is going to go south. It could turn into a 5 way shooting match.

And I'm very very proud as a Canadian that our Prime Minister has made it impossible for us to be taken seriously as diplomats or peace-keepers. Good work. Can't wait to see whats next. Please recommend this post

The Dog Barfed Up My Policy

A few days ago I posted this about Ed Stelmach policy statements. I finally found the document I read before. It was a speech given to the Goldbar PC Riding Association not long ago. You have to read the whole thing. It is so convoluted and mental it will make you cry. It made me cry and I'm pretty shallow. I felt like e.e. cummings looking for the cap-locks key. Sorry, I've just been dying to use that line.

Anyway, the part that caught my eye was a few comments on proportional representation. I'll let Ed talk now:

But I will be perfectly clear that if some want to make changing our system of elections to a "proportional representation" system, put me on the record opposing it.

As the Leader of the Progressive Conservative Party, I will not make it my legacy to get more NDP or Liberal members elected. If they can win on the ground, or in the hearts of Albertans, then fine.

But let's not fool ourselves by getting caught up this red hearing(sic) debate that it would be better to have less community representation and more ideological representation.

Here is my reasoning for advocating change in our party and not in our system.

Proportional representation will give legitimized voice to the extremes in politics, and if politics existed without the media, there is a possibility that within the confines of the legislature, a balanced approach would be the result.

But in today's world, the natural competitive media would give disproportionate attention to extreme positions giving rise to wedge politics

Oy. Whoever barfed this up should'nt be sleeping well at night. This is traditional conservative rhetoric. The voters can't be trusted because they might vote "extreme". The media can't be trusted because they might "legitimize" what people actually voted for. Ed, like the entire ruling parting sweats bullets at the idea of losing control over the peasants.

The other thing deeply disturbing - or Funny, depending on your mood, is the fact that Ed can't tell the difference between the party and the government. Do you think that's from being in power too long.

Its time to update my Alberta Dictionary:

Community Representation: Conservative Representation.
Ideological Representation: Non-Conservative representation.
Wedge Politics: An idea that is not approved by the ruling party.

Read the whole speech here.

Updated July 24, 2006: Added a link to the speech in the first paragraph. Fixed a couple of HTML problems. Please recommend this post

Our 2nd and 3rd Line of Defense

I woke up to the news this morning that Airports were not allowing women to fly with bras that have gel implants. Yowser. When I heard that my tin foil hat flew off and slammed into my vintage Farah Fawcett poster. They are willing to make an exception if the bra can be classified as a prosthetic. Women being yanked out of long line-ups be questioned about the composition of their bras, in front of their shocked and surprised partners. She gels out? Who knew. I really wanted to be the first blogger to point out that a woman with a prosthetic gel bra can also be a terrorist. No free passes.

Meanwhile, Israeli doctors make a wild claim that a woman's silicone implants saved her life. Shrapnel from a Hizbollah rocket embedded in her chest and the implants, apparently, stopped the shrapnel only a few critical centimetres from her heart. Thus, the proud and defiant, and brave breasts of Israeli woman are standing up to the evil of Hizbollah. This will give a whole new meaning when she finally has a medal pinned on her chest.

Not to be outdone Lebanese doctors reported that a woman and 53 family members were saved when a building collapsed on top of them. The woman's large implants held up the building just long enough until rescuers arrived. Sorry, I went Oniony there for a moment.

President Bush upon hearing of the incident:

The evil doers hate our way of life and our...breasts (akward hand cupping gesture) are a very important line of...defense. Our implants have to hold out 100% of the time to keep America safe while the evil doers need only to get around our implants just once to cause their massive death. Because death is the way they kill. They never stop thinking of ways to harm us, and neither do we.

Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld was questioned as to whether he thought there were sufficient silicone implants around to protect Americans, said,

Do we have enought implants to go around? Probably not. Are we working on this problem. (Weird hand gestures) Sure we are. Look, you don't fight terrorism with the implants you wish you had, you fight them with the implants you have.

Later that day at lunch:

Do you enjoy my company?
Yes sweetie, of course I do. You make me feel happy. And safe, very very safe.


Put on your breastplate of righteousness it's going to be a long fight.

Link Please recommend this post

The Dog Ate My Policy

(If you can't see the above image clearly, right click, view image.)

Progressive Conservative leadership candidate Ed Stelmach seems to have launched a new website recently. Not everything is complete, as you can see by the surreal promise of future policy statements. Generally, you try not to do this sort of thing on a website. It seems kind of amatuer.

The only policy information that caught my eye on the old website was the fact that Stelmach opposes proportional representation for the Province of Alberta. It seems odd that he would single out this policy but it is not surprising considering how many seats the Progressive Conservatives would lose under a fairer non-archaic system.

I wish i would have grabbed Stelmach's explanation from the old website, but i can paraphrases it somewhat: I oppose proportional representation because it would reward the Liberals and NDP with more seats and I oppose that because they should win more seats under the current system if they really want them. If I'm not characterizing this correctly, I'll most certainly post an update.

Stelmach's policy coming soon graphic unwittingly captures the Klein era perfectly. My memories of the Klein era will always be the constant announcements of how smart they are and the big plans they have for fixing things, and the constant rejection and ridiculing of outside ideas. Everything was always coming soon. When you think about Health Care for example, aside from all the announcements and symposiums about reform what did they really do?

The reason I'm not all that impressed with the list of candidates trying to replace the Premier, aside from the obvious fact that I'm not a Progressive Conservative party member, is the fact that they are almost all long term insiders. They now cite all these problems that need fixing and claim to have the solutions. But none of them had the integrity to speak up in the last 12 years while government was deteriorating under Mr. Klein. That is a huge credibility problem.

All strongmen eventually get pulled down, and all ruling parties eventually get voted out. The Mexicans did it to their long term ruling party, Canadians did it to the Federal Liberals. Democracy often breaks out unexpectedly in the most unlikely of places. Will Albertans figure it out? Please recommend this post

Madonna's Big Hangup

Madonna's latest tour which recently played in Rome has a moment where she elevates herself up on this huge cross. The Vatican reacted as expected by condemning the show as blasphemous. Apparently doing this in Rome heightened the offense, because Rome, they say, is the cradle of Christianity. Here we go again with the not our back yard because we are more moral than you speech. (aka NIOBYWMMTYS - pronounced NeeObeeWimmisTiss)

Madonna as a person I find very interesting, the music not so much. She weighs the risks and rewards of offending people and almost always reaps the rewards of increased publicity. The Vatican and other religious leaders do not always properly weigh the risks of reacting to every offensive piece of art that comes along. Mostly they end up looking like they have far too much time on their hands. Madonna hanging on a glittery cross is the low hanging fruit of outrage. I think of it as a poor use of mental energy in a very very troubled world.

Eventually we will all be senior citizens. The young folk will view Madonna the same way we view Lawrence Welk. There will be review shows with Madonna impersonators hanging themselves on crosses playing to drunk seniors in Las Vegas and Canmore. We'll take a swig of hooch and say man those were the days. Our children will be embarassed when they come to visit us in our seniors residences and there is some 80 year old re-enacting Madonna's crossapalooza and everyone's singing along to Like A Virgin in warbly seniors voices. Many will wander off into the woods when its 30 below. What we find sacriligious and edgy today will someday be the backdrop to a Depends commercial. Maybe Madonna will become an incontinence spokesperson.

With Madonna's upcoming concerts in Germany, the German government is apparently going to watch her to see if she violates any one of the numerous laws regarding the insulting of religions. The German people must be very proud that they have a Government that cares enough about them that they can divert law enforcement people from the War on Terrors to keep an eye on Madonna. Keeping an eye on Madonna would be hard hard work. Hero's work, really. I picture two state security types sitting in the back row inconspicuously watching for any sign of blaspemy. The one guys says, Hey, is'nt that Osama bin Laden over there?, the other guy says, Shush. I think she just said God is Dead.

The other thing I don't understand is why the Muslim and Jewish leaders in Italy were also outraged by the performance. Are they swarming? Have they formed some kind of blasphemy reciprocity treaty. I like it better when someone insulted Christianity and some Jewish leader would shrug his shoulders and say, well he was never really our first choice for Messiah you know. The world is upside down if you can't even rely on interfaith bad will anymore. It also occurred to me - and the next part is a little delicate to express - it occurred to me that Jews and Muslims might just be a little jealous because they don't have anything quite as spectacular as the crucifixion and resurrection. Moses and Mohammed both died quietly after long lives. Moses did record the details of his own death in the latter part of the book of Deuteronomy which is rather stunning. But it is no stone rolling resurrection.

We pause here for a joke from our sponsor:

Masochist: Hey, can you help me nail myself to this cross?
Sadist: Nope.

I think the only fair way to look at this is to acknowledge that no one person or groups owns the symbols of a religion or culture. After 2000 years of having Christian symbolism embedded in our collective unconscious there are innumerable ways those symbols will show up in art. Not all will appeal to everyone. Would you rather have Madonna vogueing on a fake cross, or, someone lighting a cross on fire on your lawn?

If I were Madonna's choreographer (which would be sooo gay) I would suggest she put Bush and Blair effegies on smaller crosses on either side. After all, Christ was crucified between two criminals. For an encore I'd have some dance routine that represents Michael Moore being fed to the Olson Twins. Please recommend this post

Alberta Dictionary: Oberging

I'm still wondering where Lyle Oberg's skeletons are. When he got kicked out of the Government caucus he was widely quoted:

The premier does'nt want me as a back bencher, I know where all the skeletons are buried.

Oberg is about as good with metaphors as he is with running government departments. Skeletons are not buried, they're hidden in closets. Why would you bury a skeleton? Some cultures in Africa put their dead ones in caves then come back years later and gather the dried out bones for burial. I'm sure that's what Oberg was talking about. Africa. But lets not get all Cliff Claveny.

The comment almost screams for an enquiry into Alberta Government corruption. But only Federal Liberals are corrupt, correct?

Not long after he made this flippant comment Graham Thompson of the Edmonton Journal asked him about the skeleton comment and got a stupid answer. I have to quote the whole exchange to give the full picture of Oberg's shallowness:

Oberg: First of all I want to make something absolutely, 100 per cent clear here. The integrity of this government and the integrity of Premier Klein can never be challenged. When I was talking about skeletons, I was talking about gaps in policy. I was talking about being the back bench member that was going to go out and talk about weaknesses in policy, talk about policy in general and bring forward constructive ideas about how we can change policy.
Reporter: Usually the word skeleton is not used in that context.
Oberg: Hey, I'm a doctor.
(laughter in the room)
Reporter (me) looking for clarification: Would you care to help me out here?
Oberg: The bottom line on this one is as a previous backbencher I went and looked at policy, I went and looked at policy that would make Albertans better, that would make Alberta better. That's what I saw at that time, I saw my role as a backbencher, as a government member, to bring out gaps in policy, to be able to show Albertans what direction we can go. As a member who is no longer a government backbencher, I will be doing the same thing, I will be offering constructive ideas on issues that I feel affect Albertans.
Reporter: Then what are some of the gaps?
Oberg: I'll give you a good example. Highway 63 (from Edmonton to Fort McMurray) which is one that was in my particular portfolio. The policy is that we will not twin a road until there are 10,000 vehicles per day. Highway 63, according to the last count, had a vehicle count of about 38-hundred. Quite simply, we know, you know, Albertans know that Highway 63 has to be twinned. So, we went ahead and did it, we changed the policy, we took the policy and we basically said this policy does not affect Highway 63. And those are the types of ideas that need to be brought forward, that need to have good, open discussion in Alberta.

Yep absolutely 100% clear. You wonder why Oberg did'nt just say, I know where all the gaps are, and as a back-bencher I sure will find them all and fix them because thats what we backbenchers do. Gap-finding, gap-fixing all day long. Did I say skeleton's in the closet? Well obviously you all know that means policy gaps. When I use a metaphor I choose it to mean exactly what I want it to mean. Mangling metaphors is a solid step towards good open discussion. The integrity of Premier Klein can be challenged quite easily, just not by ambitious boot lickers. So I guess he's half right. But in order to challenge him, I guess you would have to find him.

Meanwhile..according to the Alberta Infrastructure website only preliminary studies have been started on twinning Highway 63. They do not know yet how much it will cost. The Government has not allocated any money to this 6 year project. The website notes that surveying will go on well into the winter, but they do not say which winter. This huge multi-billion dollar project was all Oberg's doing. He single handedly found that skeleton gap.

An aside: The main reason Oberg requested a return to the Conservative side was because he did not want to sit next to Paul Hinman (of the AA party) any longer. There is a chance that if Mr Hinman rises to address the Legislature with one of his boiler plate anti-gay speeches that God Almighty might strike him with lightning on account of the well known fact that God does not particularly care for bigotry. If that happens Hinman's head could explode and spray cream cheese all over one of Oberg's $2000 suits. Oberg believes it would be very unfair for the taxpayer to have to pay for all that dry cleaning. And we all know that he always puts the people first. He's just that kind of guy. He finds and fixes gaps.

Where were we?

As a result of this unfortunate semantic retardation I've added the term Oberging to my Alberta Dictionary Project.

Oberging means to falsely imply that you could be a whistle blower in exchange for personal gain, but then renege on the promise because you don't really care about the integrity of Governement, just about yourself.

I think i see a gap... Please recommend this post

No Veto For The Wicked

If you are an embryo you will be pleased to know that you no longer have to duck and cover when an evil scientist, like this one...

...comes along and wants to kill you. That guy looks like he wakes up every morning just salivating at the idea of killing life. His only sadistic goal is to make a little Tarantino movie in that petrie dish. Thank God Americans have a President who can see that.

Science is so bogus anyway.

On the other hand if you're a family living in Northern Israel or Southern Lebanon there's no Presidential Veto coming for you, just missiles. You're on your own. The sooner you realize that your life and the lives of your children are less important than some microscopic tissue samples the better off you will be.

Reference Please recommend this post

Speechless

I find myself speechless when people come up with hilarious stuff like this. One part of me wants to wet myself laughing but another part is completely fatigued by the reality of anti-gay bigotry. Mostly fatigued. Please recommend this post

Asymetrical Blogger Rage

More awful news:

WASHINGTON(FF)

In response to grandstanding and potentially threatening suicides among terror suspects at Guantanomo bay 20 Senior Pentagon officials committed suicide today. A spokesperson for the Pentagon, speaking on condition of anonymity said the Generals decided to show an overwhelming show of force in response to the asymetrical warfare being waged by three detainees at Guantanamo.

The spokesperson went on to say that the Generals would stop killing themselves just as soon as the detainees stopped killing themselves in such a dramatic and attention seeking manner. The European Union has condemned the Pentagon for what they believe is an over-reaction, but President Bush defended the suicide offensive saying that the detainee suicides were a threat to America and its values. My most important job, said President Bush, is to protect the American people from attention seeking suicides.

Peter Mackay appeared to be caught off guard when asked how long it would take to evacuate all the Canadians at the Pentagon who are in extremely dangerous circumstances with all the swinging bodies and stray self-inflicted gun shots. Mackay said the External Affairs is doing all it can and that he has been masterbating quite a bit lately.

Vice President Cheney was at the top of a list of senior administration officials who were scheduled to commit suicide today if cease-suicide demands were not met. A spokesperson for Cheney's office indicated that he received a deferment due to an heretofore undetected pilodinal cyst. In Cheney's place suicides will be carried out by two data entry clerks and a yet to be outed CIA analyst.

Prime Minister Harper issued a statement saying the Americans had a right to defend their country and that so far he considered their response measured, and also noted that President Bush and his administration were a beacon of light and hope to the world.

Read More Please recommend this post

Daily Biking Musical Selections

While riding from downtown Calgary to home, I listened to the following tunes while desperately avoiding goofy two across roller bladers and goofy people with their flotation devices who think its actually safe to float on the Bow River. Someday I'll write about my horrible experience Canoing on the Bow.

Rob has a right to act in self-defense by putting good tunes on his mp3 player, and quite frankly I feel his selections are measured.

...

1. O Beauteous Heavenly Light - Jane Siberry
2. Jesus Christ The Apple Tree - Jane Siberry

A dude told me a story the other day about meeting Jane Siberry at a dinner party in Calgary. I could'nt even follow the story it was so weird.

3. Escarpment Blues - Sarah Harmer

A song about environmental damage. We send this one out to Rona Ambrose.

4. The Whole Night Sky - Bruce Cockburn

One of my all time favourite Cockburn songs, capturing the overall mood of the day.

They turned their backs i made it too hard,
every place they touched me is a laceration now
sometimes a wind comes out of nowhere and knocks you off your feet
and look see my tears, they fill the whole night sky...

4. October 70 - James Keelaghan

I wish I'd found out about James Keelaghan sooner. He writes incredible songs about Canadian history. The backdrop to this song is the FLQ crisis of 1970. I was not very old when that happened. I was kind of a doofus. I'd come home from school watch the images of soldiers in the streets, Trudeau talking tough, read about Pierre Laporte, flip the channel and watch something about Vietnam or Nixon. Things blowing up. People on fire screaming. Usual response: Can we have fish-sticks? I was a doofus. Awareness of the world grows to slow for some. Too fast for others.

5. My Sweet Lord - George Harrison - Concert for Bangladesh Live

My all time favourite Harrison song. He was the smartest of the 4. Love the guitar riff which may or may not be plagiarized. Personally I think not.

6. I'm A Mountain - Sarah Harmer

Wicked and wild Piano solo.

You must decide if you will die or grow

7. Gordon Lightfoot - The Way I Feel

Not my favourite Lightfoot tune but even his worst tune towers.

8. Way Over Yonder in the Minor Key

Billy Bragg sings a Woody Guthrie standard. A little cheeky. Natalie Merchant sings harmony.

Her mama cut a switch from a cherry tree
And laid it on to she and me
It stung lots worse than a hive of bees
But there ain't nobody that can sing like me
Ain't nobody that can sing like me

Hence the name Woody. For the longest time I thought he was singing "Harvard Bees" instead of "Hive of Bees". Googled Harvard Bees. Nothing. There was an urban legend about a guy who thought Jimi Hendrix was gay because he sang "Scuze me while I kiss this guy."

9. Pacing the Cage - Bruce Cockburn

Sunset is an angel weeping
Holding out a bloody sword
No matter how I squint I cannot
Make out what it's pointing toward
Sometimes you feel like you live too long
Days drip slowly on the page
You catch yourself
Pacing the cage

Conservative Majority.
Sorry, I don't know why I blurted that out.
Harper's a useless fascist.
Stop it. You're tired. Lets move on.

10. In The Falling Dark - Bruce Cockburn

Earthbound while everything expands
So many grains of sand
Slipping from hand to hand
Catching the light and falling into dark
The world fades out like an overheard remark
In the falling dark

Trivia: Apparently written sitting on Murray McLaughlin's roof watching the sunset.

Someday, I'd like to write a song sitting on top of Murray McLaughlin's roof. Or anyone's roof. If you wrote the world's greatest love song then fell fatally off the roof would that be Irony or Black Humour?

Its been hot all day but the sun is going down here also. The wind is picking up and a storm is moving in. *COUGH*Conservative Majority*COUGH*

Chick next door just brought a guy home. Or maybe he's "the" guy I don't know. They don't really walk up to the house as much as grope up to the house. Hilarious. Driveway foreplay. What are we animals are human beings I ask you? I hope her mother comes over with a switch from a cherry tree. Please recommend this post

In A Corner Backed In

Another postcard from the edge:

I find myself in a moral dilemma trying to figure out what's going on between Israel and Lebanon and how to form an opinion on it. My gut reaction to Mr. Harper's comments that Israel was acting in self defence and was demonstrating a measured response was not very good. Part of the problem is the twisted language. Orwell's ghost sighs with exasperation. Can't you people grow up and say what you mean. I have no idea what self defense means anymore and measured is just one of those words that does'nt really mean anything except that its intended to make us feel better about the death of people in both countries. I've never trusted Economists to speak clearly.

When the news came out that a Canadian family from Montreal was killed while visiting in Southern Lebanon I was absolutely fuming with the seeming recklessness of the IDF. I don't believe for a second that the IDF deliberately wanted to kill Canadians or any other civilians, I just wonder how these things happen, especially in the age of advanced weapon technology. I wondered how Mr. Harper would talk his way out of the seeming contradiction. Israel defends itself in a measured manner by accidentally killing a Canadian family and other civilians. How do you stand up with a straight face and tell people you support this. I have a sick feeling that Canada's position on the middle east has been radically changed by a minority government without any discussion at all. There's a debate you can look forward to with fear and loathing.

We have a pretty complacent life here in North America. Our hearts bleed a little when people die en masse in the third world. But then there's all that hockey to watch. Then we hear that some Americans or Canadians were killed and all our moral outrage starts pouring out. If you allow yourself a moment of reflection you start to ask yourself why one man's life is more important to you than another. It will be interesting to see how the Canadian media reacts to this family being killed. I wonder how they would react if Hezbollah had killed them.

The classic right/left positions don't really work and never have. Right wing thinking says that you have to approve of everything that Israel does or else you are anti-semitic and support terrorism. Typical leftist thinking offers too much sympathy to the Palistinian leaders who choose terrorism as a tactic and offer no hope to their people. Both positions are full of crap. A classic case of the coercive false dilemma. With us or against us can't be the only two choices because neither offers any hope.

If anything I suspect I have a bias towards Israel and a lack of understanding of the other side. I actually know very little about the Palestinians and their history. I have a pretty good nose for historical BS. You sort of have to because there's so much of it. I find it hard to get through the first paragraph of a lot of what I read because it is so full of hate and misinformation.

Our biases in North America are mostly cultural and religious. Most Canadians, such as myself, grew up going to Sunday School and learning about the history and religion of the Jewish People since most of their scriptures were co-opted into our Christian Bible. Christianity has always explained itself by using the Jewish Nation, History and Symbolism as a metaphor for the Church. I can see from the wacky rapture-ready web sites that this has caused all kinds of perverted thinking. Do they really need to cheer for the death of Palestians to feel closer to Christ and his return?

I also find myself not understanding why Israel keeps getting drawn into the same wars over and over again when it is clear that the approach is not working. I have trouble understanding why the Palestinian leadership repeatedly puts its civilians in such deadly and hopeless circumstances.

Dante was supposed to have written, The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crises maintain their neutrality. Well, he's only half right. Hell also reserves a places for people who coerce side-picking in a crisis where both sides are plain and deadly wrong. Please recommend this post

Slum Landlord

It should come as no surprise that our provincial government has not been keeping up with the maintenance and repair costs of Calgary's public school facilities. It has been well publicized lately. As a result we have numerous cases of ceilings falling in, electrical panels that have to be wrapped in plastic because the rain can't be kept out and students disrupted by having to be moved to other schools on short notice. I have not heard anything about conditions in Edmonton, but I would doubt they are any better, especially if you live in a riding that did'nt vote for the government.

According to estimates the cost of the deferred maintenance is around 425 million dollars.[1] This does not include capital projects that the government said they were committed to but have never funded. Why would a government with multi-billion dollar budget surpluses defer maintenance on publicly owned assets? Could it be they are philosophically opposed to publicly owned assets? No, that could'nt possibly be true. If it were true we'd expect them to also be ruining the public health care system...

The education minister apparently has no say in the way the education system is funded, and would much rather take a publicly funded trip to the Ukraine, where he does not have to hear about leaky ceilings and electrocution. When asked about whether the government would cough up the needed money Mr. Zwozdesky shrugs his shoulders and says apathetically, all we can do is ask. Poor Gene, he's not part of the inner circle. Therefore wet ceiling tiles will fall on little Timmy's head while he's trying to do calculus.

Meanwhile the Premier muses about another prosperity cheque and announces that Alberta is actually a Republican State. While the Premier wanna-be's engage in a pointless who's more bitter about the National Energy Program contest. It is truly surreal. Its a Stanley Kubrick movie and we play the peasants.

It is an appalling lack of judgment to let valuable assets slip into disrepair because the problems get worse and more expensive to fix. But thats what slum landlords do.

[1]The Alberta NDP cites $425M. The Alberta Liberal Party cites $420M. The Calgary Sun cites $425M. These estimates were likely obtained from the Calgary Board of Education. Please recommend this post

Picking Italy

I'm picking Italy to win in the World Cup 2006 final. I have some Euros riding on this prediction, but not enough to draw the attention of the Bishop of Calgary who apparently opposes gambling. The game will finish with a 1-1 tie and the Italians will win in a shoot-out.

Historically the French do not defend their territory very well and this will be a problem against the Italians whose game is built on spending a lot of time in the other teams end.

J'en suis désolé mes amis français. Peut-être prochaine.

Afterthought 1:
People will be googling Italians shoot-out and will end up here. Good thing I did'nt mention Etobicoke. Please recommend this post

My Heat Oppressed Brain

In a recent interview Keanu Reeves admits the fact that he was in a few fairly crappy movies. He goes on to say that he would like to do a film version of Shakespeare's MacBeth. He claims he can do a Scots accent, even without having a stroke first. The accent is probably the least of his worries in this difficult play. MacBeth is a complex complex character who gets screwed over by his wife and three English witches.

My suggestion is he talk Sandra Bullock into playing Lady MacBeth. They say that role is a bitch to play. The risk of Sandra Bullock playing Lady MacBeth is that some smart ass in the back row will yell, Hey, how can we make this Bus go below 50?

Another suggestion - modernize the story a bit. Replace the witches with Chartered Accountants. Or Bank Managers.

I actually think he could do it. It could not possibly be any worse than Mel Gibson's Hamlet With Turrettes, or Roman Polanski's 1971(?) version of MacBeth, with the skanky naked witches and all the senseless fast paced horse back riding, and more continuity problems than our Federal Government's environmental policy. Please recommend this post

Foreign Accent Syndrome

I just read the most amazing science article on the BBC website. It was even more amazing than the CBC article about the scientists putting stilts on Ant's legs to see how they measure distance. Ants on Stilts!

A woman in Newcastle UK had a stroke and after she woke up she could only speak in Jamaican, French Canadian, and Slovakian accents.

It does not surprise me that Doctors have a Diagnostic code for this, referring to it as Foreign Accent Syndrome. It is a bona fide brain disorder that occurrs very rarely in stroke victims.

If, God forbid, I should have a stroke, I would be very pleased to receive a very thick and hearty Nigerian accent. Finnish would be cool too.

It could be that the brain hears an accent here and there throughout the person's life then tries to use that information to relearn speech. Or maybe it is some form of hysteria brought on by the trauma of the stroke. I wonder how Freud would have explained this. He would have positively wet himself with a case like this.

Anyway its fascinating, no?

I think I smell burning toast...

Links:
Foreign Accent Syndrome
Ants On Stilts Please recommend this post

Pronger Wants Out

Not long after the Oilers ended their season it became known that Chris Pronger had requested to be traded.

Why on earth would anyone want out of Edmonton? *coughdumpcough*

This did not come as a complete surprise to me because even though he signed a five year deal the rumors were persistent. No one is really explaining the reason for the request which leaves the Edmonton Journal and Edmonton Sun no choice but to write mean and petty gossip. The Sun makes a personal attack on Pronger's wife referring to her as Yoko[1], then uses a deliberately deceitful choice of words that would leave stupid readers believing the Pronger marriage is in trouble, which in any case, is no one's business. Why don't they just get it over with and merge with the World Weekly News...or maybe even Macleans.

(Note: The Edmonton Sun Sunshine girls are looking especially manly and butch this week. And No, I don't want to know why.)

It is total speculation on my part, but what about some of the following possible reasons Pronger wants to move elsewhere.
a) The family finds the over the top obsessive know-it-all hockey culture and the petulant in-bred media a little too much.
b) They want to be closer to friends and family elsewhere.
c) Mayor Mandell has developed an unseemly crush on young Chris.
d) The family wants some privacy once in a while and realize they will never get it in Edmonton.
e) Dave Hancock.
f) Some other personal situation we don't know about, but would probably make sense to us if we did know.

Maybe once in a while people should just take a step back and shut the * up. Not everyone has to explain everthing all the time.

...

[1] Yoko Ono did not break up the Beatles and I get a little tired of hearing her name used as an epithet by careless writers. Go abuse someone who deserves it, like Celine Dion for example. Please recommend this post

Eve and Malory

I was sitting in the library minding my own business diligently trying to read the thick and murky pages of Christopher Hitchen's Kissinger On Trial. (Which I highly recommend.) Then I noticed a trash novel sitting on the desk across from me. It looked so twisted I had to read the synopsis on the back cover:

"Eve has no idea why she's drawn to the rambling , run-down sorority house at Greenbriar University. There's something compelling about the sultry president, Malory Thomas, and when Malory invites Eve to join the exclusive Fata Morgana, the blond, All-American beauty jumps at the chance to be part of this powerful circle. But behind the facade of female bonding lies something far more sinister - a dangerously secret world of dark magic, unimaginable sin, sexual depravity, and murder...a place where evil not only exists, it thrives...and the cost of membership may be Eve's very soul..." - The Sorority Eve by Tamara Thorne

I'm guessing they're not education majors.

Dear person who writes back of novel stuff: Malory should have two l's. Never ever name a character eve, its crushes what little sublety there is in the story's metaphor. An exclusive Sorority would never live in a run down house. There is no such thing as unimaginable sin. The reason it is sin is because of its imaginability. You don't see a good looking woman and say, oh I'm thinking something sinful...can't put my finger on it...its its...so unimaginable... We lack no details when it comes to sin.

Evil exists and it thrives. I'm so scared. Does it travel around and give motivational speeches? You never have to give up your soul for a sorority, just your brain cells. Could be Eve and Malory don't even have souls. Satan will be pissed when he gets inside them and finds nothing there worth possessing.

This book was probably written as bait for a movie. Satan will be trying to impregnate one or more of the C students in the Sorority, to usher in a apocalyptic age of evil and lower gas prices. He will be thwarted at the last minute by Keannu Reeves. There will be a lot of thwarting. Satan is mostly thwarted with wooden acting. Bruce Willis will run around mumbling in a pork pie hat. They'll be a few boobies.

Have you ever noticed that in American Cinema Satan is always thwarted, while in European Cinema he usually does quite well. I don't get that. Someone will have to do a serious study of that.

I definitely have to read more trash. I'm strangely drawn to bad writing. Feel free to throw that one back at me. Please recommend this post

Planting a Prediction

I woke up this morning thinking of Jacques Plante the Hall of Fame goalie who played from 1958 to 1974. I don't often wake up thinking of swarthy older Quebecois males but there was a piece of trivia that surfaced from my snake pit of a brain. Did you know that Jacques Plante was lured out of retirement to play for the Edmonton Oilers WHA team in 1974-75? This was before he died, but not by much. He had a respectable season that year (3.32) but the league was a little wacky. He played 31 games then retired for good no longer taking phone calls from Bobby Hull or Nelson Skalbania.

(Dude, run on sentences - ed.)

I would like to think that Jacques Plante is looking down from heaven and cheering on the Oilers for tonight's chance at winning their 6th Stanley Cup. An eerie otherworldly presence is just what the Oilers need to Ward off evil.

I noticed today that Jim Rome was talking about the seventh game. He rarely talks about Hockey. I also got the impression he was picking Edmonton to win. Once again the American Media is noticing the Edmonton Oilers. This should piss off the Fan960 radio station which hosts the Jim Rome show since they declared themselves the Official Carolina Hurricans Fan outlet.

Anyway, if the Supreme Intelligent Designer (God for the rest of you) would be so kind as to grant this presumptuous request, I hereby undertake the following solemn oaths.

1. I will become a Missionary. I feel I would be very good in this position.

2. I will give up arson, looting and vandalism on Whyte Avenue for a period of six weeks or months. Oh come on - which one of you has not set fire to something after a Hockey Game, I know I have. Do try to be a little less Victorian.

3. I will take Classical Guitar lessons.

4. I will wear an Oiler's Jersey throught the +15 in downtown Calgary. Repeatedly.

5. I will make the onerous journey to Edmonton for the Parade.

6. I will take in several Stampede Breakfasts wearing Oilers Gear, having always avoided them in the past due to health and sanitation considerations.

7. I will endorse Alana Delong in the Progressive Conservative Leadership race.

8. I will apoligize for saying back in January that it was time to clean house in the Oilers organization.

9. I will spend a moment or two to think about Garnet "Ace" Bailey who played for the Oilers in 1978/1979 and who was killed in the 9-11 attacks.

(That's only 9 - we need 10. Remember symmetry - ed.)

10. Ok. I'll refrain from looking at women with lust in my heart, for an appropriate period of time. Lets work out the details later.

Update - The Morning After: Well, that worked out well. Back to watching soccer players rolling around on the ground. Back to hating God. Pffft. Please recommend this post

Your Weekly Awards Show

The but-its-ok-when-we-do-it award goes to Colleen Klein for her observation that the 55% vote for Premier Klein was the result of dirty politics at its best. I think she meant dirty politics at its worst but who's quibbling. I think Nancy McBeth would agree with her observation and a number of the other walking wounded who have Rod shaped knived dangling out of their backs. It surprises me that all the techniques the Kleins used to get where they are now are suddenly offensive when others are using them. Grow up. What goes around comes around.

The tired cliche award goes to Liberal Leader Kevin Taft who used the deck chair/sinking ship metaphor to describe the most recent Alberta Government cabinet shuffles. Really, I was hoping for something wittier and sharper. Dr. Taft is a smart dude he could have done better. Something like...the talent pool over ther is getting so thin the entire front row has missing teeth and banjos on their laps. Dr. Taft also criticized Premier Klein for not having enough women in cabinet, a situation which was worsened yesterday by Dave Hancock's resignation.

The dead celebrity of the week goes to Gene Pitney. He had a wack of hits in the 60's, but the only ones I can vaguely remember are Town Without Pity and The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. He had this other lesser hit called Mecca, the first verse being:

I live on the West side, she lives on the East side of the stree-ee-eet
And though they say that East is East and West is West
And never the twain shall meet
Each morning I face her window and pray that our love can be
'cause that brownstone house where my baby lives
Is Mecca (Mecca, Mecca, Mecca) Mecca (Mecca, Mecca) to me-e-e-e-e-e.

Its kind of a goofy song when you think about Mecca being used a metaphor for teenage lust. I was listening to this song and thinking to myself that if someone recorded that lyric today there would probably be riots and Danish Cheese maker hostility. The Mullahs would be beside themselves not only because hormones are being juxtaposed with Islam's most sacred site but also because you can't issue a fatwah on someone who just died. I don't think those lyrics would go over very well in our current distemper.

Unfortunately, and I hesitate to bring this up, but that song got me to thinking about the 70 virgins that tradition says each Martyr gets upon reaching paradise. I could probably see where one or two virgins might be appealling - and I'm not sure why, just bear with me - there's a punch line over the horizon some where I'm sure - but after a while you would probably want someone who's been around a bit. What about 2 virgins and 68 girls who've had two or more boyfriends. What 70 virgins? Am I a martyr or a babysitter. Anyway, this whole virgin thing is off base because the virgins have changed quite a bit since the 14th century. They have their own cars and jobs now and occasionally don't get married and have children. The virgins are not sitting around in paradise waiting for the latest doofus to show up for an orgy.

Weren't we supposed to be giving out awards or something? Please recommend this post

Remembering a Real Leader

Reflecting on the life and death (April 4, 1968) of Martin Luther King has a way of putting the silliness and banality of Kleinapalooza into some perspective. King represented a generation of Christian leaders who were pacifist, liberal, and humanist. This tradition of the Christian faith has all but died out in our times. (Hat tip to the Christian Peacemaker Team dudes. )

Our current leaders both Provincial and Federal seem to me as technocratic and anti-humanist in their view of society. They seem to be completely divorced from the type of ideas that Martin Luther King fought and died for. I see that as a fairly large risk going into the future.

If you only read one thing that Dr. King wrote I recommend The Letter from a Birmingham Jail, a piece of writing that is on par with anything written by St. Paul, who, as you may know also scratched out letters from a jail cell.

Which you can read here. Please recommend this post

The Monday Night Disco

Why don't you tell us what music is playing on your computer right now?

Excellent idea unmedicated-voice-in-the-head. First I'd like to say there's no Michael Buble and no Black Eyed Peas. All else aside, I have some dignity.

I believe the last 10 songs got randomly churned out thusly:

1. John Lennon, Across the Universe (Beatles Naked Limited Edition)

I think this is one of Lennon's best songs.

2. Sheryl Crow, Soak up the Sun

The feel good song of the week.

3. Monty Python, Oliver Cromwell

An interesting history lesson about Cromwell and the Puritan Revolution. John Cleese opens the lesson explaining: The most interesting thing about King Charles I was that he was five foot six at the start of his reign but only four foot eight inches tall at the end of it because of .... It goes totally down hill from there. No where else can you hear some British comedians sing about Presbyterians and the Rump Parliament while Eric Idle occasionally yells Oy Vey in the background. A must listen for anyone interested in English history.

4. Jann Arden, Willing to Fall Down

Jann is so sad but also very talented. She makes me sad. Hey, I'm talented too! I think we just had an epiphany.

5. Martha Wainwright, Factory

My first time listing to Martha Wainwright. I think I like.

6. Beatles, Let it Be (Beatles Naked Limited Edition)

This is the stripped down version. I can't say I like as much as the Abby Road version. It is just Paul McCartney, a piano, some overwrought drums and the two dead ones singing light harmony. If you listen closely you can hear baby seals being clubbed in the back masking.

7. Jane Siberry - Jesus Christ the Apple Tree.

My all time favourite hymn. I'm not sure how it became identified with Christmas. From Siberry's Christmas album Shushan the Palace. Sometimes a song brings back memories of a time and place that is hard to express.

8. Blue Shadows with Billy Cowsill - Think On It

I was sad to hear Billy Cowsill passed away recently. My jaw dropped when I saw the list of the songs this guy wrote for the Cowsills and many others. I never knew anything about Billy Cowsill until I went to a Cabaret at the University of Calgary and saw the Blue Shadows. Unbelievable. I think it was the best concert I ever went to. Some guy kept threatening to beat me up all night for no apparent reason at all and his friend kept apoligizing to me. Later the three of us went for a drink. I gave that dude a ride home and he kept thanking me for the ride in between threats of violence.

9. Carrie Newcomer - The Moon Over Tucson

Never have heard of her but it seems tolerable. Seems kind of new agey. But you never know, she could be one of Cheney's hunting companions.

10. Stone Temple Pilots - Dumb Love

Meh. Please recommend this post

Freedom 55

I was surprised when I woke up on Saturday and heard that Premier Klein got only 55% support from his party's delegates. I clearly remember earlier in the week writing down 72% as my prediction. Everyone seemed shocked by the low number but after I thought about it a bit it did'nt seem all that surprising. Up on Centre Street a business has a portable sign that says Ralph Klein's Popularity is Finally Lower than his Blood alcohol level. I just about hit the curb when I saw that. You just don't see that kind of dissent in Calgary very often.

As a mathimatical oddity, the number of delegates required to give the premier 55% is roughly 666 delegates. I guess you could call them the Premier's New World Order Club.

What follows are some loosely connected thoughts on why the vote was so low:

1. The Premier has been retired for at least a year already. Completely disengaged. People notice these things. Alberta is completely unprepared for the future and not dealing with the present.

2. By all accounts his Friday night speech was a disaster. Apparently the response was icier than Emmanuel Sandhu's ass.

3. A lot of people thought a two year leadership race would be ridiculous considering that the Government is already mired in severe state of non-motion. See point 4.

4. Lyle Oberg is thin skinned, obnoxious, vindictive and has very bad hair. But he did have a point. A lot of people are probably grateful that a useless member of the party committed career suicide to get a point across. See point 3.

5. The twinning of highway 63 and the infrastructure problem in Ft. McMurray are real big issues to people north of Edmonton and in Ft. McMurray. I really believe a few votes went against Klein because of inaction on this issue.

6. Not being able to explain proposed Health Care changes to the public, or apparently even the caucus, in sentences that use verbs and nouns, and not just turgid, murky passive voiced platitudes. By the way, Iris Evans is an idiot.
(I'm sorry that was mean. I just thought I'd throw it in.)

7. Throwing the Liberal Party policy manual at the 17 year Legislature page would be the last straw for a lot of people. If I were a delegate I would never ever ever support a leader who behaved that way regardless of any other accomplishments.

8. Ruling partys crave power. The thought of a useless leader ruining their popularity fills them with fear and loathing.

9. There has been a dump Klein movement underway, running under the radar for quite some time now. I believe they have been well organized and effective.

10. Corb Lund won a Juno award for a stupid song about trucks getting stuck in mud. I know, its completely unrelated but it pisses me off and I'm not about to make a completely separate post about a stupid Corb Lund song.

I'm sure there are many more reasons that could be thrown around. But as a result of this unfortunate turn of events, I would just like to offer the Premier some possibilities for his future career.

He could...

Steal his daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool. That damn song has been stuck in my head all day.

Sell his influence, whatever is left, to various corporations to get them favourable government policies or no-bid contracts.

Work with Alberta ranchers to come up with a third way for cattle breeding. Convince them that the current method of breeding is not sustainable.

Work for the Fraser Institute and charge them large sums of money to put his name on the front page of bullshit studies. Sorry, I forgot, he already does that.

Team up with Larry Ryckman and do something really exciting and innovative things on the Alberta Stock Exchange.

Appear as a character witness for Augusto Pinochet when he goes on trial for being a genocidal maniac.

Run his numbered companies full time, whatever it is that those companies actually do.

Go Pheasant hunting with his good pal Dick Cheney. Pound back a few. Pick up some nice looking 50 years old. Lose a bit of face.

Make a full time job out of randomly throwing things at people who don't deserve to have things thrown at them. It could be kind of like a reality show. The simple minded life.

Have a public boxing match with Ezra Levant. What kind of a guy would'nt stick up for his wife after Levant's paper keeps making racial slurs and other pointless ad hominem's against Mrs. Klein.

Keep Barbara Amiel company after Lord Bunny Pants goes directly to jail. Can you tell I miss Frank magazine. Please recommend this post

Photos + Snark

A Hamas Member or Parliament shortly before rising on a point of order.

I was debugging a web application when the server sent back a response that was exactly 666 bytes in length. It unerved me. A lot.

Minister of the Environment Rona Ambrose speaks in the House of Parliament. She looks very angry. Now that she's in government all that anger can finally be channeled into something really useful like killing the Kyoto Accord. I have this idea about Ronazilla bobble-heads...

When this painting first came out it caused a bit of controversy, but no embassy burnings, no riots, and no Danish Cheese makers forced out of business. I apologize I lost the painter's name for proper citation.

I use the Firefox browser and email client. Occasionally I get weird messages. Open Source programmers, what can you do.

I love this picture of Cohen and Bono and an unidentified women. Cohen radiates coolness while Bono has to work at it.

No...that plot line does'nt really work for me. How about Eugene goes off his meds and blows up the whole neighbourhood including that stupid little record store. And then the CBC will have to cancel that horrible horrible horrible show. Get Mel Gibson in as a guest director for the last episode.

C'mon Nigel, lick the Toad. Lick the Toad! C'mon it'll be really cool.

One of my favourite paintings, Le Naissance de Venus by William Adolphe Bouguereau. So now when someone says she's really really bouguereau you'll know what they mean.

So...the new look is wearing St. Louis Blues uniforms. Yeah the Oilers are a playoff team alright. Weirder things have happened.

The Phoenix Oilers? The CBC makes two hockey gaffes in a row. And then you have to listen to Brian Williams.

During the Siege of Troy Achilles, played woodenly by Brad Pitt, calls in a bit of air cover. Actually I think the photo is a fake, but still, a bit of bombing would have helped that movie.

Looks like the fitness standards of the Philippines anti-coup anti-riot police have slipped somewhat. Please recommend this post

A Night At The Doctors

I had to get an eye exam today which was not much fun. I lost my glasses somewhere in Red Deer when I stopped to make a phone call while on the way to Edmonton. I know I had them on when I pulled into the McDonalds in Red Deer because I got out of my truck and looked at a sign that said Jacuzzi Suites $99.00 on the Motel across the road. I thought that would be kind of cool if you had someone to go with. Sex in a Jacuzzi probably is not all that much fun anyway. It's just one of those things that sounds sexy. You're probably better off going alone and just relaxing with a book. Or take someone who can bring you a beer or some wine once in a while, so you don't pass out from the heat and drown. I'd like to have a personal jacuzzi assistant, but not in a Brokeback Mountain way. I was thinking more like an Anthony Hopkins Remains of the Day kind of way.

I went to an Optometrist I've never been to before because my Doctor left his wife and buggered off somewhere, and I don't have a clue about my prescription. And even though my Doctor's wife was also an Optometrist she would'nt see me. I think she's quite bitter. I was overdue for an exam anyway. My eyes are really not that bad except for distance which means I definitely need them for driving and at night. I failed the pressure test widely. This is the test where they blow air against your eye and measure the fluid pressure. I have one eye that has way too high pressure. Now I have to go to an Opthamologist and get more tests. They measured it four or five times on 3 different machines and kept getting different results. So much for scientific accuracy. I am glad they are not running a nuclear power plant. If the pressure does not go down on its own they might drill a small hole with a laser and this will fix the problem by draining some fluid. Science is so cool these days. If they don't fix it it will have a long term negative effects on my eyesite. If your thinking about making a joke about masturbation I think you should stop thinking about making that joke. I hate to think that my eye could explode while meeting somebody important. Please to meet you your excellency...sploink.

To examine my eyes in detail she put some drops in my eyes that freeze the eye muscles so they dilate and can't adjust to light. They told me to go walk around for a while while it took effect. Very bad advice. Out in the mall with the bright flourescents and neon everywhere I just about went nuts. The light was like jabby pokey things and It felt like I was stoned or had a hangover. My vision went totally blurry. It raised my anxiety level quite a bit which was already high to begin with because I'm not really good at going to Doctors. I was thinking about how interesting the Brain's way of processing vision is. (And Mel Brooks' movie High Anxiety.) Why would distorted vision raise your anxiety level? Do blind people have lower anxiety levels? Then I walked into some woman. I think she was good looking. Her head looked like a big Sunflower. A redhead I think. She sure smelled nice.

Then the cute Doctor Lady did the exam and shone some really really bright lights in my eyes. That hurt. Then she showed me the images of my eye insides. That was interesting but creepy.

I went next door to pick out a new set of glasses but I gave up after a while because I could not really see any of them and the sales person was church lady smarmyish. It is true that I did pick out a pair of pink-like woman's frames, and while she was good to steer me away from this choice, she could have been a bit less smarmy. And stop calling me sweety and honey. Driving was really cool. The red traffic lights looked like big Psychedelic poppies. So cool. I really wish they would come out with some recreational Psychedelic drugs that have no harmful effects. I only had a couple of blocks to go, but I really should not have been driving. I tried to do some work on my computer but with my eyes still dilated and lazy I could actually see the monitor refreshing and pulsing and it hurt my head and freaked me out. It was four or five hours before I got coherent eye site back and lost the headache.

Please recommend this post

Remembering Charlie

Last week my step father Charles Creighton passed away unexpectedly at the age of 81. He passed away in the University of Alberta Hospital.

Charlie was born in North Dakota but his family came to Northern Alberta when he was quite young. They settled on a farm around the Hythe area. Their father died when the family was young and their mother had to raise 8 children by herself. Charlie occasionally told me a story about how poor they were. He left home when he was 13 or 14 to go work and I don't think he ever got to finish school.

In 1978 he met and married my Mother and they were always very happy together. I don't think they ever spent even a single day apart. They travelled all over the place together, in fact, I often had a hard time tracking them down. If they were not in their motor home camping somewhere they were flying someplace nice like Hawaii or Mexico. They spent a lot of time at North Buck Lake with my brother and sister. I'm very grateful for the time they spent together but I wish it could have been longer.

Before the funeral we were going through piles of photos. Charlie had a lot of grand-children and it was hard to find pictures where he did'nt have one or more of them sitting on his lap.

In all the time I knew Charlie he was always very kind to me, in spite of all the goofy things I did in my life. I'm still really in a state of shock. I realize that our family has lost someone irreplaceable, someone that was loved and respected by everyone who knew him.

Please recommend this post

rebate thursday

[Writing live from an undisclosed and tawdry location]

I got my $400.00 Alberta Government Energy rebate cheque in the mail today.

Thanks a lot to Big Daddy. I knew he loved me after all. He's a kind and generous man. And all you envious eastern frenchy loving kyoto signing gay marriage sex agendizing with your pot smoking hippy soccer mom pretensions won't get a piece of this one.

Not unless you fart out another Liberal majority and they bring in a National Energy Alberta Rebate Clawback Program. [1] (<- thats a footnote see bottom)

To be honest though, I'm not sure I'm in totally in need of this cheque. Sure its been a tough year and that may continue but there may be other people who need it more than me.

[Three red heads walking by. What are the chances.]

Take Murray Smith for example. With his paltry half million dollar salary, and his insulting MLA pension Murray struggles to make ends meet as Alberta's point man in Washington D.C. Do you have any idea how much a Limo costs, or a nice dinner at the Savoy Suites Hotel? It's a Dicken's novel for sure. And its not like he's loafing or anything, its hard hard work going to all those Cocktail parties desperately pleading with American Politicians to please please buy Alberta's Oil & Gas. He works hard for his demeaning wage. [2]

[Hey I know that guy over there. He ran this company into the ground. It was really quite funny. Well, not for the employees. ]

I was surprise at the large number of advertisements(sp?) for places that were offering rebates on things provided you paid with your Alberta Energy Rebate cheque. I figured all this piling on of rebates deserved its own word. I thought about super-aggregated-rebate but then I thought that was too grandiose. Then I thought of meta-rebate but that's too Greek and a little thick. One term I am definitely trying to avoid is Master-Rebate. I have settled on the term yoinkabate, as in, yoink thanks for your cheque here's your temporarily over-priced crappy MP3 player. bye now. Is this an example of intelligent design? One day a dinosaur farts, has a debilitating aneurism and falls over into a bog. Fast forward and now you're listening to Green Day. Now that's some wacky evolution, and hardly the work of a Supreme Being.

I was going to do some work on my house with that $400 cheque but I have a feeling that every dinky little job is going to be "around $400" for the next little while. So I guess I'll give some of it to charity, or to a political group that shares my philosophical inclinations.

Notes:
[1] Just so you know, if you read something like this in the Calgary Herald or Calgary Sun they're probably serious. Me, I'm just goofing around.
[2] Credits to Donna Summer. Please recommend this post

A Variation on a Theme

Or...what goes around comes around...

Well I just wanted to assure all our friends in central america that a vote for Ronald Reagan is a vote for peace and stability in the region. We wish you God speed with all your little socialist revolutions. Gosh, I would'nt know how to fund or arm right wing death squads anyhow, and even if I did there's no way our congress would let me get away with that. They'd find out for sure. So I'm no danger at all to you folks. Checks and balances will keep me lucid, you'll see.

A vote for me, Brian Mulroney, would be a vote to respect Mr. Trudeau and his Constitution and in no way would I ever try to redefine that document. I have far too much respect for Mr. Trudeau. I also respect the hard working people of Canada and would never enter into a wacky trade deal or sell out Canada. You can count on me, Brian Mulroney, not do anything right wingy crazy. And besides the Trudeau appointed Liberal activist judges would most certainly stop me. That and a bit of pacreatitis. So vote for me, Brian Mulroney, for a competely harmless Prime Minister. And one other thing...
Sorry, Mr. Mulroney, your time is up.

What? That's a crazy idea. Never ever would I drug, handcuff and then throw my political opponents out of helicopters into the ocean. You do not know the bureaucracy in Chile. It would take years to get the approval. And the military would just not tolerate such a thing. We have a Constitution you know, to protect the people. Look, I simply won't be able to be a homicidal maniac. Its far too complicated. What a crazy question. Next question...?

Oh my good gracious! Argentina? A Thatcher government would have no hostility to Argentina whatsoever. Ridiculous. Even if I wanted to send vessels down there - armed with Nuclear Missiles my critics will say - the British Civil Service would just simply not allow it. There's no way around the British Civil Service. Can't be done. Oh for God sakes don't look at me like that. I'm really quite harmless. John Major is behind all this is'nt he? Please recommend this post

15 Predictions

I've had a protracted predilection for predicting. Thus I offer the following 15 properly prepared predictions regarding the remainder of 2006.

1. Premier Klein will resign sometime within the next six months. This is not only my prediction, it was floated over Christmas by the Calgary Herald who claimed to have inside knowledge of a dump Klein movement that is very advanced in its plans. Mysteriously, the article disappeared from their web site in the new year. In any case, Klein will discretely be offered a very generous package to leave. This will include a major send off that will make Klein look like Jesus Christ. Watch for lots of public things named after Klein. If Klein does not take the package there will be a full blown civil war and he will end up walking the plank. Six months top.

1a. Jim Dinning will win the Tory Party leadership on the first vote.

2. Shelly Winters will remain dead through 2006 and well into 2007.

3. Stephen Harper will win a slim majority in the upcoming general election. He will have a very hard time managing the wingnuts.

4. The Calgary Stampeders will not win the Grey Cup this year. The Calgary media will blame Hugh Campbell, the referees, the bad turf at Commonwealth Stadium, the National Energy Program...

5. Stockwell Day will become Minister of Foreign Affair, thus enhancing our reputation all over the globe. Mr. Day will be sued a third time for libel or defamation, and at some point there will be a riot in the House of Commons when an opposition member refers to him as Hat Trick Day.

6. René Lévesque, Pierre Trudeau and Lester Pearson will all spin in their graves through out the year, all trying to out-spin each other.

7. The Edmonton Oilers will make it to the second round of the NHL playoffs but no further.

8. The Green Party will win 0 seats in the upcoming general election even though their popular vote will increase. Jim Harris will do or say something really really outrageous after the election.

9. The current election campaign of the Liberal Party of Canada will go down in history as the worst run campaign ever. Even worse than John Turner's 1984 debacle. Paul Martin will be dumped as leader (or will resign) sometime this year.

10. Brian Mulroney will claim that he single-handedly engineered Stephen Harper's general election victory.

11. Jean Chrétien will claim that Paul Martin destroyed the Liberal Party of Canada and single-handedly engineered Stephen Harper's general election victory.

12. Tippi Hedren will continue to be very popular in Germany, Denmark and Scotland, and thus for reasons I don't fully understand, will continue to drive readers to my site through google's opaque logic.

13. The author will wake up at 4am one night this week in a cold sweat and realize that the annual prediction meme is so passé it is unbelievable anyone would still be doing it.

14. Monte Solberg will be accused of stealing day old donuts from a Safeway store. Dave Hancock will be photographed by the Edmonton Sun while dressed as a woman.

15. The Edmonton Sun will endorse Ted Morton as the next premier. Please recommend this post

Knives out For Anders

You would never know there was an election going on. Here in Calgary West there are not a lot of signs up yet. While driving down 32nd Avenue yesterday near Shaganappi I saw these huge Rob Anders signs with hisself staring westerly with a dull empty gaze. That sign scared me. The face must be at least 3 feet high. There ought to be a law.

A few hours later I drove by again and some creative vandal had surgically cut out the faces from the sign and left them laying in the grass. Just laying there staring upward with that dull empty gaze. That must have taken some great eye hand coordination. Probably a pre-med student. I thought it was quite funny since it put Anders in the proper context: faceless and headless. A good work of art does not always have to be legal. Although I can't condone vandalism, still my spirits are raised by a once in a life time opportunity to use the word defacement in its most proper meaning. I'll bet the vandal artist escaped in an Audi A6. Watch out for roving bands of toothless vigilantes driving around in old boogie vans looking for Librals to beat up.

The Liberal candidate in Calgary West is Jennifer Pollock, a former Public School Board Trustee. On her blog she gets off a few good cracks on Anders. I like the cut of her jib, but I'm not quite sure what to do with her boss.

The Green Candidate in the riding is Danielle Roberts, a University of Calgary student. She ran in 2004.

The NDP candidate is Teale Phelps Bondaroff, a University of Calgary Political Science student. I like the fact that somebody can take Poly-Sci at the University of Calgary and not get sucked into the Calgary School BS.

Any one of these candidates would be a better MP than the incumbent.

Rumors persist that a large Blueberry Pie will join the race representing the Delicious Desserts Party. This rumor has the Conservative campaign wringing their hands because they know from experience how easy it is to split the inanimate object vote. Please recommend this post

Gimme, gimme, gimme

Last week I was totally in the giving mood, even though I was not entirely sure who to buy what for, but I went ahead anyway and bought a couple of damn fine gifts that anyone would be humbled to receive. This week I decided I wanted to focus more on getting than receiving. Screw the virtues its all about me now. Thus I've prepared my wish list what follows:

1. I wish Debbie Travis would come over to my house and help me paint. We could start in the Kitchen. Who knows where we'd end up. [Makes Roy Orbison Pretty Woman Growly noise]

2. I want to be credited with inventing the word finguary (fing-you-airy), which I will explain later.

3. I want Anne McLellan to come over to my house and read to me from the Constitution Act of 1982. (Please omit the amending formula stuff. That's all such crap.) If its not too forward of me, I'd like to lie down and place my head upon her lap and listen to her soothing soothing voice.

3. I wish all the best for my friend Kate in 2006, since 2005 was kind of a rough one.

(I've just been informed by an alert reader that I have two item #3s. I wish I could number lists properly. Now my numbering is out by 2.)

4. I'd like to travel to Japan for a year or two and study Judo while I'm still young enough to take the physical pounding. While there I'd also like to study many other aspects of Japanese culture which I find interesting. I figure this would cost around $100,000. Maybe less if one stays away from the woman, the sushi, and the beer. I can't earn $100,000 overnight so it may have to be stolen. Keep in mind I'm getting older by the day. Let me know what you can throw in.

5. If Anne McLellan does come over to my house I hope she will bring some Beer and Popcorn, paid for by that big mouth dude who started the whole Beer and Popcorn thing. Although, having visited Calgary's Red Mile and Edmonton's Whyte Avenue many times I would point out that Beer and Popcorn do not always make a good combination as evidenced by the puddles of Beer and Popcorn lying inertly on the sidewalk having been rejected forcefully by their consumers.

6. I wish for the best of luck to my neighbors who are moving to Qatar soon.

(I've just been informed by an alert reader that the above item should have been number 8.)

7. I hope that there is an earthquake in Iran and the President and his collection of Mullahs can magically be transported to 300km below the Antarctic ice cap. There, they can rant endlessly about how the holocaust did'nt occur and wipe Israel off their make believe maps while the Mullahs lecture the penguins about proper conduct[2]. Every couple of hundred years we could launch a rescue effort to see if they've grown up at all. In the meantime the people of Iran could get on with the political and social reforms that we all know they want.

8. I don't ever ever ever want to see Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch ever ever ever again. Television, by its nature is supposed to pound away at our innocence and naivete. I thought I had seen everything. But that couch hopping thing stripped away the last remaining sense of humans are ok that I had left. I'd rather listen to 3 hours of Aristocrat jokes.

9. I wish for another year of NOT seeing the Passion of the Christ. May I never give in to the temptation to watch that horrible degrading sadistic blood flinging piece of crap.

10. I want to meet those guys who stole Edvard Munch's the Screamer from the Museum in Oslo. They got away in a really sharp Audi A6 which I wrote about here. They finally got arrested this week. I can't bring myself to see them as common criminals. They were driving a freaking Audi A6. I see them more as Art Liberationists. The painting was probably set in an ugly frame from Ikea. What's a person to do? It gave me this idea for Art Galleries to fake robberies in broad daylight to raise interest in the works being shown. But they'd have to flee in really cool cars. Performance Art, that's the ticket.

11. I definitely need more Ginch[1]. The brand I prefer is called Prodige Athletik, available at Costco and other fine purveyors of men's underwear. The attractive model on the front cover of the package might turn weaker men gay but definetly not me, although I do freely admit, in an abstract sort of way, his intense beauty. That guy's body fat is measure in micrograms. Thats another thing I want - a much leaner body - damn, I wacked the numbering scheme again.

...

[1] Ginch. A pejorative term used throughout western Canada to denote men's underwear.
[2] The Mullah's will be shocked to learn the Penguins have a high rate of homosexuality.

Update: fixed some of my sub-optimal spelling. Please recommend this post

Christmas Gift Buying

For the nth year in a row I'm left hanging trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be buying for this year. We had a big Thanksgiving dinner this year and everyone (around 30 people) in our family were there. After dinner for the nth year in a row the woman started trying to make up crazy rules about who buys for who and what the gift theme is this year. They tried the first draw of names off little chits. That worked well for about 5 seconds until everyone started throwing out reasons why x should'nt buy for y. (Variations on the theme that men are stupid gift buyers.) The second draw went soooo much smoother because half the family walked away from the table with their little chits not knowing that there was a redo. When I got home I had three little chits in my pocket. Inevitably I had to ask who I was supposed to buy for. I thought someone was in charge. All I got was a perfunctory civil servant answer about referring to the chit I was assigned. Could I please speak to your supervisor? Its worse than Adscam.

Anyway, I'm heading down to 17th Avenue S.W. in Calgary tomorrow. There are some really nice shops in that area. If someone asks me if they can help me find anything, I'll say, yeah, I'm looking for a suitable gift for someone between the ages of 20 and 84, possibly male or female. Then I'll get the do you think I work in retail because I want to deal with Schmos like you look. Its the same look when you go into a Lounge for your first drink and order a highball.

Now that I remember Thanksgiving dinner it seems to me that the teenagers sat in the basement all evening on their fat asses because apparently they're too good to socialize with the adults. Is this common? I hope and pray every day that those girls get some post-secondary education to broader their perspectives rather than sitting on their fat asses in the basement for the rest of their lives. It's probably the only way they'll meet some decent dudes.

I just know that when the gift exchange thingy takes place on Christmas day there's going to be people who get 4 gifts and others who get none. Tears may be shed. Reputations ruined. Every year I say document it in a spreadsheet, but no one listens. I feel like Christmas is being organized by FEMA.

I think this would make a fine gift. Please recommend this post

West Voting Base

In the bucolic days of July when time moved slowly and when I should have been doing other things I put together this excel spreadsheet. It summarizes the last four election totals in the four western provinces. You are welcome to download this file and take a look. Let us know what you think the trends are. Does anything surprise you? What jumps out at me is the fact that the Western Media is no where near reflective of the right/left composition of Western Canada. There's no rule that says they have to be in a free press, but it is interesting. There are other things I find really puzzling about these numbers and am still thinking about. Remember, just as in investing and girlfriends, past performance is no indication of future gain. Or pain.

I'm still tweaking this spreadsheet and verifying the calculations. If you notice anything odd let me know. Please recommend this post

Reactionary Ranting Resumed Reflectively

Alternate Title 1: 90 odd days
Alternate Title 2: Chicken inspector #23

It has been 90 odd days since my last post. A week or so ago I was riding my bike around town and sitting out on the patio. But a few days ago winter fell on Calgary like a bad movie. I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with a bunch of incontinent seniors and some colicy babies. Which reminds me: I was in Stoppers Shrug Mart® today and the Muzak was screeching out Lennon & McCartney's Revolution. And I mean screeching. That was the most ridiculous thing I've heard in a long time. It stuck out in my mind because of its sheer evil, but also because earlier in the day there was a Lennon Retrospective on some radio show somewhere and they were talking about how far ahead of the curve that song was. Is this how it will all end for my generation? Will I be sitting in a nursing home dribbling while my room-mate bangs out Hey Jude on his Bazouki? Hopefully the Progressive Conservatives will still be running Alberta because then there will at least be the possibility of being scalded to death or denied basic human dignity until you just float away. Patient 32 is floating away, quick, get him to sign his invoice!

I wish it were May. I'm not mentally prepared for winter as evidenced by my reckless driving today. I nearly took out a Sun box. Had I hit it it would have been bad. It would have been like Opium. I would have had to run over all the rest of them, unable to stop. I'd end up stealing cars just to support my habit of running over Sun boxes. Don't judge me till you've felt that high.

As 2005 crept along careening and gyrating like a stoned CFL cheerleader, and looking at the constant unfolding of this weird world, both inside and outside, I began to feel mute. I feel more like listening than talking, more like reading than writing, and more like contemplating than fighting the mental fragmentation that occurs in the typical day. I feel like I've been drowning in information and data but starved for knowledge. (I stole that quotation and can't find the source.) And if there is one thing I do know clearly, it is how much I have to learn. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I find it has become a major fight to get into a focused brain zone which is so essential to my type of work, and everyone's really. I suspect it has a lot to do with the way media and technology push us these days. But that is a whole other post.

Anyway, I plan to start writing in this blog more, at least much as I can. I can't predict where it will all go. On many days I find myself incredibly unhappy, but on other days I'm laughing my a** off at something I came across. Not to mention the upcoming (or coming up) Federal Election. Yes, I'm really interested in listening to a bunch of fucked up liars smearing each other for 30 or 60 or 90 days. I have some interesting statistics on the fucked up liars that I hope to post sometime soon. But for now, lets just all accept the premise that they are fucked up liars.

Speaking of laughing, if you get a chance listen to this clip on the BBC site. Woody Allen talking about S.J. Perlman. Its worth a listen.

Good night and good pluck. Please recommend this post