My Heat Oppressed Brain

In a recent interview Keanu Reeves admits the fact that he was in a few fairly crappy movies. He goes on to say that he would like to do a film version of Shakespeare's MacBeth. He claims he can do a Scots accent, even without having a stroke first. The accent is probably the least of his worries in this difficult play. MacBeth is a complex complex character who gets screwed over by his wife and three English witches.

My suggestion is he talk Sandra Bullock into playing Lady MacBeth. They say that role is a bitch to play. The risk of Sandra Bullock playing Lady MacBeth is that some smart ass in the back row will yell, Hey, how can we make this Bus go below 50?

Another suggestion - modernize the story a bit. Replace the witches with Chartered Accountants. Or Bank Managers.

I actually think he could do it. It could not possibly be any worse than Mel Gibson's Hamlet With Turrettes, or Roman Polanski's 1971(?) version of MacBeth, with the skanky naked witches and all the senseless fast paced horse back riding, and more continuity problems than our Federal Government's environmental policy. Please recommend this post

Foreign Accent Syndrome

I just read the most amazing science article on the BBC website. It was even more amazing than the CBC article about the scientists putting stilts on Ant's legs to see how they measure distance. Ants on Stilts!

A woman in Newcastle UK had a stroke and after she woke up she could only speak in Jamaican, French Canadian, and Slovakian accents.

It does not surprise me that Doctors have a Diagnostic code for this, referring to it as Foreign Accent Syndrome. It is a bona fide brain disorder that occurrs very rarely in stroke victims.

If, God forbid, I should have a stroke, I would be very pleased to receive a very thick and hearty Nigerian accent. Finnish would be cool too.

It could be that the brain hears an accent here and there throughout the person's life then tries to use that information to relearn speech. Or maybe it is some form of hysteria brought on by the trauma of the stroke. I wonder how Freud would have explained this. He would have positively wet himself with a case like this.

Anyway its fascinating, no?

I think I smell burning toast...

Links:
Foreign Accent Syndrome
Ants On Stilts Please recommend this post

Pronger Wants Out

Not long after the Oilers ended their season it became known that Chris Pronger had requested to be traded.

Why on earth would anyone want out of Edmonton? *coughdumpcough*

This did not come as a complete surprise to me because even though he signed a five year deal the rumors were persistent. No one is really explaining the reason for the request which leaves the Edmonton Journal and Edmonton Sun no choice but to write mean and petty gossip. The Sun makes a personal attack on Pronger's wife referring to her as Yoko[1], then uses a deliberately deceitful choice of words that would leave stupid readers believing the Pronger marriage is in trouble, which in any case, is no one's business. Why don't they just get it over with and merge with the World Weekly News...or maybe even Macleans.

(Note: The Edmonton Sun Sunshine girls are looking especially manly and butch this week. And No, I don't want to know why.)

It is total speculation on my part, but what about some of the following possible reasons Pronger wants to move elsewhere.
a) The family finds the over the top obsessive know-it-all hockey culture and the petulant in-bred media a little too much.
b) They want to be closer to friends and family elsewhere.
c) Mayor Mandell has developed an unseemly crush on young Chris.
d) The family wants some privacy once in a while and realize they will never get it in Edmonton.
e) Dave Hancock.
f) Some other personal situation we don't know about, but would probably make sense to us if we did know.

Maybe once in a while people should just take a step back and shut the * up. Not everyone has to explain everthing all the time.

...

[1] Yoko Ono did not break up the Beatles and I get a little tired of hearing her name used as an epithet by careless writers. Go abuse someone who deserves it, like Celine Dion for example. Please recommend this post

Eve and Malory

I was sitting in the library minding my own business diligently trying to read the thick and murky pages of Christopher Hitchen's Kissinger On Trial. (Which I highly recommend.) Then I noticed a trash novel sitting on the desk across from me. It looked so twisted I had to read the synopsis on the back cover:

"Eve has no idea why she's drawn to the rambling , run-down sorority house at Greenbriar University. There's something compelling about the sultry president, Malory Thomas, and when Malory invites Eve to join the exclusive Fata Morgana, the blond, All-American beauty jumps at the chance to be part of this powerful circle. But behind the facade of female bonding lies something far more sinister - a dangerously secret world of dark magic, unimaginable sin, sexual depravity, and murder...a place where evil not only exists, it thrives...and the cost of membership may be Eve's very soul..." - The Sorority Eve by Tamara Thorne

I'm guessing they're not education majors.

Dear person who writes back of novel stuff: Malory should have two l's. Never ever name a character eve, its crushes what little sublety there is in the story's metaphor. An exclusive Sorority would never live in a run down house. There is no such thing as unimaginable sin. The reason it is sin is because of its imaginability. You don't see a good looking woman and say, oh I'm thinking something sinful...can't put my finger on it...its its...so unimaginable... We lack no details when it comes to sin.

Evil exists and it thrives. I'm so scared. Does it travel around and give motivational speeches? You never have to give up your soul for a sorority, just your brain cells. Could be Eve and Malory don't even have souls. Satan will be pissed when he gets inside them and finds nothing there worth possessing.

This book was probably written as bait for a movie. Satan will be trying to impregnate one or more of the C students in the Sorority, to usher in a apocalyptic age of evil and lower gas prices. He will be thwarted at the last minute by Keannu Reeves. There will be a lot of thwarting. Satan is mostly thwarted with wooden acting. Bruce Willis will run around mumbling in a pork pie hat. They'll be a few boobies.

Have you ever noticed that in American Cinema Satan is always thwarted, while in European Cinema he usually does quite well. I don't get that. Someone will have to do a serious study of that.

I definitely have to read more trash. I'm strangely drawn to bad writing. Feel free to throw that one back at me. Please recommend this post

Planting a Prediction

I woke up this morning thinking of Jacques Plante the Hall of Fame goalie who played from 1958 to 1974. I don't often wake up thinking of swarthy older Quebecois males but there was a piece of trivia that surfaced from my snake pit of a brain. Did you know that Jacques Plante was lured out of retirement to play for the Edmonton Oilers WHA team in 1974-75? This was before he died, but not by much. He had a respectable season that year (3.32) but the league was a little wacky. He played 31 games then retired for good no longer taking phone calls from Bobby Hull or Nelson Skalbania.

(Dude, run on sentences - ed.)

I would like to think that Jacques Plante is looking down from heaven and cheering on the Oilers for tonight's chance at winning their 6th Stanley Cup. An eerie otherworldly presence is just what the Oilers need to Ward off evil.

I noticed today that Jim Rome was talking about the seventh game. He rarely talks about Hockey. I also got the impression he was picking Edmonton to win. Once again the American Media is noticing the Edmonton Oilers. This should piss off the Fan960 radio station which hosts the Jim Rome show since they declared themselves the Official Carolina Hurricans Fan outlet.

Anyway, if the Supreme Intelligent Designer (God for the rest of you) would be so kind as to grant this presumptuous request, I hereby undertake the following solemn oaths.

1. I will become a Missionary. I feel I would be very good in this position.

2. I will give up arson, looting and vandalism on Whyte Avenue for a period of six weeks or months. Oh come on - which one of you has not set fire to something after a Hockey Game, I know I have. Do try to be a little less Victorian.

3. I will take Classical Guitar lessons.

4. I will wear an Oiler's Jersey throught the +15 in downtown Calgary. Repeatedly.

5. I will make the onerous journey to Edmonton for the Parade.

6. I will take in several Stampede Breakfasts wearing Oilers Gear, having always avoided them in the past due to health and sanitation considerations.

7. I will endorse Alana Delong in the Progressive Conservative Leadership race.

8. I will apoligize for saying back in January that it was time to clean house in the Oilers organization.

9. I will spend a moment or two to think about Garnet "Ace" Bailey who played for the Oilers in 1978/1979 and who was killed in the 9-11 attacks.

(That's only 9 - we need 10. Remember symmetry - ed.)

10. Ok. I'll refrain from looking at women with lust in my heart, for an appropriate period of time. Lets work out the details later.

Update - The Morning After: Well, that worked out well. Back to watching soccer players rolling around on the ground. Back to hating God. Pffft. Please recommend this post

Your Weekly Awards Show

The but-its-ok-when-we-do-it award goes to Colleen Klein for her observation that the 55% vote for Premier Klein was the result of dirty politics at its best. I think she meant dirty politics at its worst but who's quibbling. I think Nancy McBeth would agree with her observation and a number of the other walking wounded who have Rod shaped knived dangling out of their backs. It surprises me that all the techniques the Kleins used to get where they are now are suddenly offensive when others are using them. Grow up. What goes around comes around.

The tired cliche award goes to Liberal Leader Kevin Taft who used the deck chair/sinking ship metaphor to describe the most recent Alberta Government cabinet shuffles. Really, I was hoping for something wittier and sharper. Dr. Taft is a smart dude he could have done better. Something like...the talent pool over ther is getting so thin the entire front row has missing teeth and banjos on their laps. Dr. Taft also criticized Premier Klein for not having enough women in cabinet, a situation which was worsened yesterday by Dave Hancock's resignation.

The dead celebrity of the week goes to Gene Pitney. He had a wack of hits in the 60's, but the only ones I can vaguely remember are Town Without Pity and The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. He had this other lesser hit called Mecca, the first verse being:

I live on the West side, she lives on the East side of the stree-ee-eet
And though they say that East is East and West is West
And never the twain shall meet
Each morning I face her window and pray that our love can be
'cause that brownstone house where my baby lives
Is Mecca (Mecca, Mecca, Mecca) Mecca (Mecca, Mecca) to me-e-e-e-e-e.

Its kind of a goofy song when you think about Mecca being used a metaphor for teenage lust. I was listening to this song and thinking to myself that if someone recorded that lyric today there would probably be riots and Danish Cheese maker hostility. The Mullahs would be beside themselves not only because hormones are being juxtaposed with Islam's most sacred site but also because you can't issue a fatwah on someone who just died. I don't think those lyrics would go over very well in our current distemper.

Unfortunately, and I hesitate to bring this up, but that song got me to thinking about the 70 virgins that tradition says each Martyr gets upon reaching paradise. I could probably see where one or two virgins might be appealling - and I'm not sure why, just bear with me - there's a punch line over the horizon some where I'm sure - but after a while you would probably want someone who's been around a bit. What about 2 virgins and 68 girls who've had two or more boyfriends. What 70 virgins? Am I a martyr or a babysitter. Anyway, this whole virgin thing is off base because the virgins have changed quite a bit since the 14th century. They have their own cars and jobs now and occasionally don't get married and have children. The virgins are not sitting around in paradise waiting for the latest doofus to show up for an orgy.

Weren't we supposed to be giving out awards or something? Please recommend this post

Remembering a Real Leader

Reflecting on the life and death (April 4, 1968) of Martin Luther King has a way of putting the silliness and banality of Kleinapalooza into some perspective. King represented a generation of Christian leaders who were pacifist, liberal, and humanist. This tradition of the Christian faith has all but died out in our times. (Hat tip to the Christian Peacemaker Team dudes. )

Our current leaders both Provincial and Federal seem to me as technocratic and anti-humanist in their view of society. They seem to be completely divorced from the type of ideas that Martin Luther King fought and died for. I see that as a fairly large risk going into the future.

If you only read one thing that Dr. King wrote I recommend The Letter from a Birmingham Jail, a piece of writing that is on par with anything written by St. Paul, who, as you may know also scratched out letters from a jail cell.

Which you can read here. Please recommend this post

The Monday Night Disco

Why don't you tell us what music is playing on your computer right now?

Excellent idea unmedicated-voice-in-the-head. First I'd like to say there's no Michael Buble and no Black Eyed Peas. All else aside, I have some dignity.

I believe the last 10 songs got randomly churned out thusly:

1. John Lennon, Across the Universe (Beatles Naked Limited Edition)

I think this is one of Lennon's best songs.

2. Sheryl Crow, Soak up the Sun

The feel good song of the week.

3. Monty Python, Oliver Cromwell

An interesting history lesson about Cromwell and the Puritan Revolution. John Cleese opens the lesson explaining: The most interesting thing about King Charles I was that he was five foot six at the start of his reign but only four foot eight inches tall at the end of it because of .... It goes totally down hill from there. No where else can you hear some British comedians sing about Presbyterians and the Rump Parliament while Eric Idle occasionally yells Oy Vey in the background. A must listen for anyone interested in English history.

4. Jann Arden, Willing to Fall Down

Jann is so sad but also very talented. She makes me sad. Hey, I'm talented too! I think we just had an epiphany.

5. Martha Wainwright, Factory

My first time listing to Martha Wainwright. I think I like.

6. Beatles, Let it Be (Beatles Naked Limited Edition)

This is the stripped down version. I can't say I like as much as the Abby Road version. It is just Paul McCartney, a piano, some overwrought drums and the two dead ones singing light harmony. If you listen closely you can hear baby seals being clubbed in the back masking.

7. Jane Siberry - Jesus Christ the Apple Tree.

My all time favourite hymn. I'm not sure how it became identified with Christmas. From Siberry's Christmas album Shushan the Palace. Sometimes a song brings back memories of a time and place that is hard to express.

8. Blue Shadows with Billy Cowsill - Think On It

I was sad to hear Billy Cowsill passed away recently. My jaw dropped when I saw the list of the songs this guy wrote for the Cowsills and many others. I never knew anything about Billy Cowsill until I went to a Cabaret at the University of Calgary and saw the Blue Shadows. Unbelievable. I think it was the best concert I ever went to. Some guy kept threatening to beat me up all night for no apparent reason at all and his friend kept apoligizing to me. Later the three of us went for a drink. I gave that dude a ride home and he kept thanking me for the ride in between threats of violence.

9. Carrie Newcomer - The Moon Over Tucson

Never have heard of her but it seems tolerable. Seems kind of new agey. But you never know, she could be one of Cheney's hunting companions.

10. Stone Temple Pilots - Dumb Love

Meh. Please recommend this post

Freedom 55

I was surprised when I woke up on Saturday and heard that Premier Klein got only 55% support from his party's delegates. I clearly remember earlier in the week writing down 72% as my prediction. Everyone seemed shocked by the low number but after I thought about it a bit it did'nt seem all that surprising. Up on Centre Street a business has a portable sign that says Ralph Klein's Popularity is Finally Lower than his Blood alcohol level. I just about hit the curb when I saw that. You just don't see that kind of dissent in Calgary very often.

As a mathimatical oddity, the number of delegates required to give the premier 55% is roughly 666 delegates. I guess you could call them the Premier's New World Order Club.

What follows are some loosely connected thoughts on why the vote was so low:

1. The Premier has been retired for at least a year already. Completely disengaged. People notice these things. Alberta is completely unprepared for the future and not dealing with the present.

2. By all accounts his Friday night speech was a disaster. Apparently the response was icier than Emmanuel Sandhu's ass.

3. A lot of people thought a two year leadership race would be ridiculous considering that the Government is already mired in severe state of non-motion. See point 4.

4. Lyle Oberg is thin skinned, obnoxious, vindictive and has very bad hair. But he did have a point. A lot of people are probably grateful that a useless member of the party committed career suicide to get a point across. See point 3.

5. The twinning of highway 63 and the infrastructure problem in Ft. McMurray are real big issues to people north of Edmonton and in Ft. McMurray. I really believe a few votes went against Klein because of inaction on this issue.

6. Not being able to explain proposed Health Care changes to the public, or apparently even the caucus, in sentences that use verbs and nouns, and not just turgid, murky passive voiced platitudes. By the way, Iris Evans is an idiot.
(I'm sorry that was mean. I just thought I'd throw it in.)

7. Throwing the Liberal Party policy manual at the 17 year Legislature page would be the last straw for a lot of people. If I were a delegate I would never ever ever support a leader who behaved that way regardless of any other accomplishments.

8. Ruling partys crave power. The thought of a useless leader ruining their popularity fills them with fear and loathing.

9. There has been a dump Klein movement underway, running under the radar for quite some time now. I believe they have been well organized and effective.

10. Corb Lund won a Juno award for a stupid song about trucks getting stuck in mud. I know, its completely unrelated but it pisses me off and I'm not about to make a completely separate post about a stupid Corb Lund song.

I'm sure there are many more reasons that could be thrown around. But as a result of this unfortunate turn of events, I would just like to offer the Premier some possibilities for his future career.

He could...

Steal his daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool. That damn song has been stuck in my head all day.

Sell his influence, whatever is left, to various corporations to get them favourable government policies or no-bid contracts.

Work with Alberta ranchers to come up with a third way for cattle breeding. Convince them that the current method of breeding is not sustainable.

Work for the Fraser Institute and charge them large sums of money to put his name on the front page of bullshit studies. Sorry, I forgot, he already does that.

Team up with Larry Ryckman and do something really exciting and innovative things on the Alberta Stock Exchange.

Appear as a character witness for Augusto Pinochet when he goes on trial for being a genocidal maniac.

Run his numbered companies full time, whatever it is that those companies actually do.

Go Pheasant hunting with his good pal Dick Cheney. Pound back a few. Pick up some nice looking 50 years old. Lose a bit of face.

Make a full time job out of randomly throwing things at people who don't deserve to have things thrown at them. It could be kind of like a reality show. The simple minded life.

Have a public boxing match with Ezra Levant. What kind of a guy would'nt stick up for his wife after Levant's paper keeps making racial slurs and other pointless ad hominem's against Mrs. Klein.

Keep Barbara Amiel company after Lord Bunny Pants goes directly to jail. Can you tell I miss Frank magazine. Please recommend this post

Photos + Snark

A Hamas Member or Parliament shortly before rising on a point of order.

I was debugging a web application when the server sent back a response that was exactly 666 bytes in length. It unerved me. A lot.

Minister of the Environment Rona Ambrose speaks in the House of Parliament. She looks very angry. Now that she's in government all that anger can finally be channeled into something really useful like killing the Kyoto Accord. I have this idea about Ronazilla bobble-heads...

When this painting first came out it caused a bit of controversy, but no embassy burnings, no riots, and no Danish Cheese makers forced out of business. I apologize I lost the painter's name for proper citation.

I use the Firefox browser and email client. Occasionally I get weird messages. Open Source programmers, what can you do.

I love this picture of Cohen and Bono and an unidentified women. Cohen radiates coolness while Bono has to work at it.

No...that plot line does'nt really work for me. How about Eugene goes off his meds and blows up the whole neighbourhood including that stupid little record store. And then the CBC will have to cancel that horrible horrible horrible show. Get Mel Gibson in as a guest director for the last episode.

C'mon Nigel, lick the Toad. Lick the Toad! C'mon it'll be really cool.

One of my favourite paintings, Le Naissance de Venus by William Adolphe Bouguereau. So now when someone says she's really really bouguereau you'll know what they mean.

So...the new look is wearing St. Louis Blues uniforms. Yeah the Oilers are a playoff team alright. Weirder things have happened.

The Phoenix Oilers? The CBC makes two hockey gaffes in a row. And then you have to listen to Brian Williams.

During the Siege of Troy Achilles, played woodenly by Brad Pitt, calls in a bit of air cover. Actually I think the photo is a fake, but still, a bit of bombing would have helped that movie.

Looks like the fitness standards of the Philippines anti-coup anti-riot police have slipped somewhat. Please recommend this post

A Night At The Doctors

I had to get an eye exam today which was not much fun. I lost my glasses somewhere in Red Deer when I stopped to make a phone call while on the way to Edmonton. I know I had them on when I pulled into the McDonalds in Red Deer because I got out of my truck and looked at a sign that said Jacuzzi Suites $99.00 on the Motel across the road. I thought that would be kind of cool if you had someone to go with. Sex in a Jacuzzi probably is not all that much fun anyway. It's just one of those things that sounds sexy. You're probably better off going alone and just relaxing with a book. Or take someone who can bring you a beer or some wine once in a while, so you don't pass out from the heat and drown. I'd like to have a personal jacuzzi assistant, but not in a Brokeback Mountain way. I was thinking more like an Anthony Hopkins Remains of the Day kind of way.

I went to an Optometrist I've never been to before because my Doctor left his wife and buggered off somewhere, and I don't have a clue about my prescription. And even though my Doctor's wife was also an Optometrist she would'nt see me. I think she's quite bitter. I was overdue for an exam anyway. My eyes are really not that bad except for distance which means I definitely need them for driving and at night. I failed the pressure test widely. This is the test where they blow air against your eye and measure the fluid pressure. I have one eye that has way too high pressure. Now I have to go to an Opthamologist and get more tests. They measured it four or five times on 3 different machines and kept getting different results. So much for scientific accuracy. I am glad they are not running a nuclear power plant. If the pressure does not go down on its own they might drill a small hole with a laser and this will fix the problem by draining some fluid. Science is so cool these days. If they don't fix it it will have a long term negative effects on my eyesite. If your thinking about making a joke about masturbation I think you should stop thinking about making that joke. I hate to think that my eye could explode while meeting somebody important. Please to meet you your excellency...sploink.

To examine my eyes in detail she put some drops in my eyes that freeze the eye muscles so they dilate and can't adjust to light. They told me to go walk around for a while while it took effect. Very bad advice. Out in the mall with the bright flourescents and neon everywhere I just about went nuts. The light was like jabby pokey things and It felt like I was stoned or had a hangover. My vision went totally blurry. It raised my anxiety level quite a bit which was already high to begin with because I'm not really good at going to Doctors. I was thinking about how interesting the Brain's way of processing vision is. (And Mel Brooks' movie High Anxiety.) Why would distorted vision raise your anxiety level? Do blind people have lower anxiety levels? Then I walked into some woman. I think she was good looking. Her head looked like a big Sunflower. A redhead I think. She sure smelled nice.

Then the cute Doctor Lady did the exam and shone some really really bright lights in my eyes. That hurt. Then she showed me the images of my eye insides. That was interesting but creepy.

I went next door to pick out a new set of glasses but I gave up after a while because I could not really see any of them and the sales person was church lady smarmyish. It is true that I did pick out a pair of pink-like woman's frames, and while she was good to steer me away from this choice, she could have been a bit less smarmy. And stop calling me sweety and honey. Driving was really cool. The red traffic lights looked like big Psychedelic poppies. So cool. I really wish they would come out with some recreational Psychedelic drugs that have no harmful effects. I only had a couple of blocks to go, but I really should not have been driving. I tried to do some work on my computer but with my eyes still dilated and lazy I could actually see the monitor refreshing and pulsing and it hurt my head and freaked me out. It was four or five hours before I got coherent eye site back and lost the headache.

Please recommend this post

Remembering Charlie

Last week my step father Charles Creighton passed away unexpectedly at the age of 81. He passed away in the University of Alberta Hospital.

Charlie was born in North Dakota but his family came to Northern Alberta when he was quite young. They settled on a farm around the Hythe area. Their father died when the family was young and their mother had to raise 8 children by herself. Charlie occasionally told me a story about how poor they were. He left home when he was 13 or 14 to go work and I don't think he ever got to finish school.

In 1978 he met and married my Mother and they were always very happy together. I don't think they ever spent even a single day apart. They travelled all over the place together, in fact, I often had a hard time tracking them down. If they were not in their motor home camping somewhere they were flying someplace nice like Hawaii or Mexico. They spent a lot of time at North Buck Lake with my brother and sister. I'm very grateful for the time they spent together but I wish it could have been longer.

Before the funeral we were going through piles of photos. Charlie had a lot of grand-children and it was hard to find pictures where he did'nt have one or more of them sitting on his lap.

In all the time I knew Charlie he was always very kind to me, in spite of all the goofy things I did in my life. I'm still really in a state of shock. I realize that our family has lost someone irreplaceable, someone that was loved and respected by everyone who knew him.

Please recommend this post

rebate thursday

[Writing live from an undisclosed and tawdry location]

I got my $400.00 Alberta Government Energy rebate cheque in the mail today.

Thanks a lot to Big Daddy. I knew he loved me after all. He's a kind and generous man. And all you envious eastern frenchy loving kyoto signing gay marriage sex agendizing with your pot smoking hippy soccer mom pretensions won't get a piece of this one.

Not unless you fart out another Liberal majority and they bring in a National Energy Alberta Rebate Clawback Program. [1] (<- thats a footnote see bottom)

To be honest though, I'm not sure I'm in totally in need of this cheque. Sure its been a tough year and that may continue but there may be other people who need it more than me.

[Three red heads walking by. What are the chances.]

Take Murray Smith for example. With his paltry half million dollar salary, and his insulting MLA pension Murray struggles to make ends meet as Alberta's point man in Washington D.C. Do you have any idea how much a Limo costs, or a nice dinner at the Savoy Suites Hotel? It's a Dicken's novel for sure. And its not like he's loafing or anything, its hard hard work going to all those Cocktail parties desperately pleading with American Politicians to please please buy Alberta's Oil & Gas. He works hard for his demeaning wage. [2]

[Hey I know that guy over there. He ran this company into the ground. It was really quite funny. Well, not for the employees. ]

I was surprise at the large number of advertisements(sp?) for places that were offering rebates on things provided you paid with your Alberta Energy Rebate cheque. I figured all this piling on of rebates deserved its own word. I thought about super-aggregated-rebate but then I thought that was too grandiose. Then I thought of meta-rebate but that's too Greek and a little thick. One term I am definitely trying to avoid is Master-Rebate. I have settled on the term yoinkabate, as in, yoink thanks for your cheque here's your temporarily over-priced crappy MP3 player. bye now. Is this an example of intelligent design? One day a dinosaur farts, has a debilitating aneurism and falls over into a bog. Fast forward and now you're listening to Green Day. Now that's some wacky evolution, and hardly the work of a Supreme Being.

I was going to do some work on my house with that $400 cheque but I have a feeling that every dinky little job is going to be "around $400" for the next little while. So I guess I'll give some of it to charity, or to a political group that shares my philosophical inclinations.

Notes:
[1] Just so you know, if you read something like this in the Calgary Herald or Calgary Sun they're probably serious. Me, I'm just goofing around.
[2] Credits to Donna Summer. Please recommend this post

A Variation on a Theme

Or...what goes around comes around...

Well I just wanted to assure all our friends in central america that a vote for Ronald Reagan is a vote for peace and stability in the region. We wish you God speed with all your little socialist revolutions. Gosh, I would'nt know how to fund or arm right wing death squads anyhow, and even if I did there's no way our congress would let me get away with that. They'd find out for sure. So I'm no danger at all to you folks. Checks and balances will keep me lucid, you'll see.

A vote for me, Brian Mulroney, would be a vote to respect Mr. Trudeau and his Constitution and in no way would I ever try to redefine that document. I have far too much respect for Mr. Trudeau. I also respect the hard working people of Canada and would never enter into a wacky trade deal or sell out Canada. You can count on me, Brian Mulroney, not do anything right wingy crazy. And besides the Trudeau appointed Liberal activist judges would most certainly stop me. That and a bit of pacreatitis. So vote for me, Brian Mulroney, for a competely harmless Prime Minister. And one other thing...
Sorry, Mr. Mulroney, your time is up.

What? That's a crazy idea. Never ever would I drug, handcuff and then throw my political opponents out of helicopters into the ocean. You do not know the bureaucracy in Chile. It would take years to get the approval. And the military would just not tolerate such a thing. We have a Constitution you know, to protect the people. Look, I simply won't be able to be a homicidal maniac. Its far too complicated. What a crazy question. Next question...?

Oh my good gracious! Argentina? A Thatcher government would have no hostility to Argentina whatsoever. Ridiculous. Even if I wanted to send vessels down there - armed with Nuclear Missiles my critics will say - the British Civil Service would just simply not allow it. There's no way around the British Civil Service. Can't be done. Oh for God sakes don't look at me like that. I'm really quite harmless. John Major is behind all this is'nt he? Please recommend this post

15 Predictions

I've had a protracted predilection for predicting. Thus I offer the following 15 properly prepared predictions regarding the remainder of 2006.

1. Premier Klein will resign sometime within the next six months. This is not only my prediction, it was floated over Christmas by the Calgary Herald who claimed to have inside knowledge of a dump Klein movement that is very advanced in its plans. Mysteriously, the article disappeared from their web site in the new year. In any case, Klein will discretely be offered a very generous package to leave. This will include a major send off that will make Klein look like Jesus Christ. Watch for lots of public things named after Klein. If Klein does not take the package there will be a full blown civil war and he will end up walking the plank. Six months top.

1a. Jim Dinning will win the Tory Party leadership on the first vote.

2. Shelly Winters will remain dead through 2006 and well into 2007.

3. Stephen Harper will win a slim majority in the upcoming general election. He will have a very hard time managing the wingnuts.

4. The Calgary Stampeders will not win the Grey Cup this year. The Calgary media will blame Hugh Campbell, the referees, the bad turf at Commonwealth Stadium, the National Energy Program...

5. Stockwell Day will become Minister of Foreign Affair, thus enhancing our reputation all over the globe. Mr. Day will be sued a third time for libel or defamation, and at some point there will be a riot in the House of Commons when an opposition member refers to him as Hat Trick Day.

6. René Lévesque, Pierre Trudeau and Lester Pearson will all spin in their graves through out the year, all trying to out-spin each other.

7. The Edmonton Oilers will make it to the second round of the NHL playoffs but no further.

8. The Green Party will win 0 seats in the upcoming general election even though their popular vote will increase. Jim Harris will do or say something really really outrageous after the election.

9. The current election campaign of the Liberal Party of Canada will go down in history as the worst run campaign ever. Even worse than John Turner's 1984 debacle. Paul Martin will be dumped as leader (or will resign) sometime this year.

10. Brian Mulroney will claim that he single-handedly engineered Stephen Harper's general election victory.

11. Jean Chrétien will claim that Paul Martin destroyed the Liberal Party of Canada and single-handedly engineered Stephen Harper's general election victory.

12. Tippi Hedren will continue to be very popular in Germany, Denmark and Scotland, and thus for reasons I don't fully understand, will continue to drive readers to my site through google's opaque logic.

13. The author will wake up at 4am one night this week in a cold sweat and realize that the annual prediction meme is so passé it is unbelievable anyone would still be doing it.

14. Monte Solberg will be accused of stealing day old donuts from a Safeway store. Dave Hancock will be photographed by the Edmonton Sun while dressed as a woman.

15. The Edmonton Sun will endorse Ted Morton as the next premier. Please recommend this post

Knives out For Anders

You would never know there was an election going on. Here in Calgary West there are not a lot of signs up yet. While driving down 32nd Avenue yesterday near Shaganappi I saw these huge Rob Anders signs with hisself staring westerly with a dull empty gaze. That sign scared me. The face must be at least 3 feet high. There ought to be a law.

A few hours later I drove by again and some creative vandal had surgically cut out the faces from the sign and left them laying in the grass. Just laying there staring upward with that dull empty gaze. That must have taken some great eye hand coordination. Probably a pre-med student. I thought it was quite funny since it put Anders in the proper context: faceless and headless. A good work of art does not always have to be legal. Although I can't condone vandalism, still my spirits are raised by a once in a life time opportunity to use the word defacement in its most proper meaning. I'll bet the vandal artist escaped in an Audi A6. Watch out for roving bands of toothless vigilantes driving around in old boogie vans looking for Librals to beat up.

The Liberal candidate in Calgary West is Jennifer Pollock, a former Public School Board Trustee. On her blog she gets off a few good cracks on Anders. I like the cut of her jib, but I'm not quite sure what to do with her boss.

The Green Candidate in the riding is Danielle Roberts, a University of Calgary student. She ran in 2004.

The NDP candidate is Teale Phelps Bondaroff, a University of Calgary Political Science student. I like the fact that somebody can take Poly-Sci at the University of Calgary and not get sucked into the Calgary School BS.

Any one of these candidates would be a better MP than the incumbent.

Rumors persist that a large Blueberry Pie will join the race representing the Delicious Desserts Party. This rumor has the Conservative campaign wringing their hands because they know from experience how easy it is to split the inanimate object vote. Please recommend this post

Gimme, gimme, gimme

Last week I was totally in the giving mood, even though I was not entirely sure who to buy what for, but I went ahead anyway and bought a couple of damn fine gifts that anyone would be humbled to receive. This week I decided I wanted to focus more on getting than receiving. Screw the virtues its all about me now. Thus I've prepared my wish list what follows:

1. I wish Debbie Travis would come over to my house and help me paint. We could start in the Kitchen. Who knows where we'd end up. [Makes Roy Orbison Pretty Woman Growly noise]

2. I want to be credited with inventing the word finguary (fing-you-airy), which I will explain later.

3. I want Anne McLellan to come over to my house and read to me from the Constitution Act of 1982. (Please omit the amending formula stuff. That's all such crap.) If its not too forward of me, I'd like to lie down and place my head upon her lap and listen to her soothing soothing voice.

3. I wish all the best for my friend Kate in 2006, since 2005 was kind of a rough one.

(I've just been informed by an alert reader that I have two item #3s. I wish I could number lists properly. Now my numbering is out by 2.)

4. I'd like to travel to Japan for a year or two and study Judo while I'm still young enough to take the physical pounding. While there I'd also like to study many other aspects of Japanese culture which I find interesting. I figure this would cost around $100,000. Maybe less if one stays away from the woman, the sushi, and the beer. I can't earn $100,000 overnight so it may have to be stolen. Keep in mind I'm getting older by the day. Let me know what you can throw in.

5. If Anne McLellan does come over to my house I hope she will bring some Beer and Popcorn, paid for by that big mouth dude who started the whole Beer and Popcorn thing. Although, having visited Calgary's Red Mile and Edmonton's Whyte Avenue many times I would point out that Beer and Popcorn do not always make a good combination as evidenced by the puddles of Beer and Popcorn lying inertly on the sidewalk having been rejected forcefully by their consumers.

6. I wish for the best of luck to my neighbors who are moving to Qatar soon.

(I've just been informed by an alert reader that the above item should have been number 8.)

7. I hope that there is an earthquake in Iran and the President and his collection of Mullahs can magically be transported to 300km below the Antarctic ice cap. There, they can rant endlessly about how the holocaust did'nt occur and wipe Israel off their make believe maps while the Mullahs lecture the penguins about proper conduct[2]. Every couple of hundred years we could launch a rescue effort to see if they've grown up at all. In the meantime the people of Iran could get on with the political and social reforms that we all know they want.

8. I don't ever ever ever want to see Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch ever ever ever again. Television, by its nature is supposed to pound away at our innocence and naivete. I thought I had seen everything. But that couch hopping thing stripped away the last remaining sense of humans are ok that I had left. I'd rather listen to 3 hours of Aristocrat jokes.

9. I wish for another year of NOT seeing the Passion of the Christ. May I never give in to the temptation to watch that horrible degrading sadistic blood flinging piece of crap.

10. I want to meet those guys who stole Edvard Munch's the Screamer from the Museum in Oslo. They got away in a really sharp Audi A6 which I wrote about here. They finally got arrested this week. I can't bring myself to see them as common criminals. They were driving a freaking Audi A6. I see them more as Art Liberationists. The painting was probably set in an ugly frame from Ikea. What's a person to do? It gave me this idea for Art Galleries to fake robberies in broad daylight to raise interest in the works being shown. But they'd have to flee in really cool cars. Performance Art, that's the ticket.

11. I definitely need more Ginch[1]. The brand I prefer is called Prodige Athletik, available at Costco and other fine purveyors of men's underwear. The attractive model on the front cover of the package might turn weaker men gay but definetly not me, although I do freely admit, in an abstract sort of way, his intense beauty. That guy's body fat is measure in micrograms. Thats another thing I want - a much leaner body - damn, I wacked the numbering scheme again.

...

[1] Ginch. A pejorative term used throughout western Canada to denote men's underwear.
[2] The Mullah's will be shocked to learn the Penguins have a high rate of homosexuality.

Update: fixed some of my sub-optimal spelling. Please recommend this post

Christmas Gift Buying

For the nth year in a row I'm left hanging trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be buying for this year. We had a big Thanksgiving dinner this year and everyone (around 30 people) in our family were there. After dinner for the nth year in a row the woman started trying to make up crazy rules about who buys for who and what the gift theme is this year. They tried the first draw of names off little chits. That worked well for about 5 seconds until everyone started throwing out reasons why x should'nt buy for y. (Variations on the theme that men are stupid gift buyers.) The second draw went soooo much smoother because half the family walked away from the table with their little chits not knowing that there was a redo. When I got home I had three little chits in my pocket. Inevitably I had to ask who I was supposed to buy for. I thought someone was in charge. All I got was a perfunctory civil servant answer about referring to the chit I was assigned. Could I please speak to your supervisor? Its worse than Adscam.

Anyway, I'm heading down to 17th Avenue S.W. in Calgary tomorrow. There are some really nice shops in that area. If someone asks me if they can help me find anything, I'll say, yeah, I'm looking for a suitable gift for someone between the ages of 20 and 84, possibly male or female. Then I'll get the do you think I work in retail because I want to deal with Schmos like you look. Its the same look when you go into a Lounge for your first drink and order a highball.

Now that I remember Thanksgiving dinner it seems to me that the teenagers sat in the basement all evening on their fat asses because apparently they're too good to socialize with the adults. Is this common? I hope and pray every day that those girls get some post-secondary education to broader their perspectives rather than sitting on their fat asses in the basement for the rest of their lives. It's probably the only way they'll meet some decent dudes.

I just know that when the gift exchange thingy takes place on Christmas day there's going to be people who get 4 gifts and others who get none. Tears may be shed. Reputations ruined. Every year I say document it in a spreadsheet, but no one listens. I feel like Christmas is being organized by FEMA.

I think this would make a fine gift. Please recommend this post

West Voting Base

In the bucolic days of July when time moved slowly and when I should have been doing other things I put together this excel spreadsheet. It summarizes the last four election totals in the four western provinces. You are welcome to download this file and take a look. Let us know what you think the trends are. Does anything surprise you? What jumps out at me is the fact that the Western Media is no where near reflective of the right/left composition of Western Canada. There's no rule that says they have to be in a free press, but it is interesting. There are other things I find really puzzling about these numbers and am still thinking about. Remember, just as in investing and girlfriends, past performance is no indication of future gain. Or pain.

I'm still tweaking this spreadsheet and verifying the calculations. If you notice anything odd let me know. Please recommend this post

Reactionary Ranting Resumed Reflectively

Alternate Title 1: 90 odd days
Alternate Title 2: Chicken inspector #23

It has been 90 odd days since my last post. A week or so ago I was riding my bike around town and sitting out on the patio. But a few days ago winter fell on Calgary like a bad movie. I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with a bunch of incontinent seniors and some colicy babies. Which reminds me: I was in Stoppers Shrug Mart® today and the Muzak was screeching out Lennon & McCartney's Revolution. And I mean screeching. That was the most ridiculous thing I've heard in a long time. It stuck out in my mind because of its sheer evil, but also because earlier in the day there was a Lennon Retrospective on some radio show somewhere and they were talking about how far ahead of the curve that song was. Is this how it will all end for my generation? Will I be sitting in a nursing home dribbling while my room-mate bangs out Hey Jude on his Bazouki? Hopefully the Progressive Conservatives will still be running Alberta because then there will at least be the possibility of being scalded to death or denied basic human dignity until you just float away. Patient 32 is floating away, quick, get him to sign his invoice!

I wish it were May. I'm not mentally prepared for winter as evidenced by my reckless driving today. I nearly took out a Sun box. Had I hit it it would have been bad. It would have been like Opium. I would have had to run over all the rest of them, unable to stop. I'd end up stealing cars just to support my habit of running over Sun boxes. Don't judge me till you've felt that high.

As 2005 crept along careening and gyrating like a stoned CFL cheerleader, and looking at the constant unfolding of this weird world, both inside and outside, I began to feel mute. I feel more like listening than talking, more like reading than writing, and more like contemplating than fighting the mental fragmentation that occurs in the typical day. I feel like I've been drowning in information and data but starved for knowledge. (I stole that quotation and can't find the source.) And if there is one thing I do know clearly, it is how much I have to learn. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I find it has become a major fight to get into a focused brain zone which is so essential to my type of work, and everyone's really. I suspect it has a lot to do with the way media and technology push us these days. But that is a whole other post.

Anyway, I plan to start writing in this blog more, at least much as I can. I can't predict where it will all go. On many days I find myself incredibly unhappy, but on other days I'm laughing my a** off at something I came across. Not to mention the upcoming (or coming up) Federal Election. Yes, I'm really interested in listening to a bunch of fucked up liars smearing each other for 30 or 60 or 90 days. I have some interesting statistics on the fucked up liars that I hope to post sometime soon. But for now, lets just all accept the premise that they are fucked up liars.

Speaking of laughing, if you get a chance listen to this clip on the BBC site. Woody Allen talking about S.J. Perlman. Its worth a listen.

Good night and good pluck. Please recommend this post