No Veto For The Wicked

If you are an embryo you will be pleased to know that you no longer have to duck and cover when an evil scientist, like this one...

...comes along and wants to kill you. That guy looks like he wakes up every morning just salivating at the idea of killing life. His only sadistic goal is to make a little Tarantino movie in that petrie dish. Thank God Americans have a President who can see that.

Science is so bogus anyway.

On the other hand if you're a family living in Northern Israel or Southern Lebanon there's no Presidential Veto coming for you, just missiles. You're on your own. The sooner you realize that your life and the lives of your children are less important than some microscopic tissue samples the better off you will be.

Reference Please recommend this post

Speechless

I find myself speechless when people come up with hilarious stuff like this. One part of me wants to wet myself laughing but another part is completely fatigued by the reality of anti-gay bigotry. Mostly fatigued. Please recommend this post

Asymetrical Blogger Rage

More awful news:

WASHINGTON(FF)

In response to grandstanding and potentially threatening suicides among terror suspects at Guantanomo bay 20 Senior Pentagon officials committed suicide today. A spokesperson for the Pentagon, speaking on condition of anonymity said the Generals decided to show an overwhelming show of force in response to the asymetrical warfare being waged by three detainees at Guantanamo.

The spokesperson went on to say that the Generals would stop killing themselves just as soon as the detainees stopped killing themselves in such a dramatic and attention seeking manner. The European Union has condemned the Pentagon for what they believe is an over-reaction, but President Bush defended the suicide offensive saying that the detainee suicides were a threat to America and its values. My most important job, said President Bush, is to protect the American people from attention seeking suicides.

Peter Mackay appeared to be caught off guard when asked how long it would take to evacuate all the Canadians at the Pentagon who are in extremely dangerous circumstances with all the swinging bodies and stray self-inflicted gun shots. Mackay said the External Affairs is doing all it can and that he has been masterbating quite a bit lately.

Vice President Cheney was at the top of a list of senior administration officials who were scheduled to commit suicide today if cease-suicide demands were not met. A spokesperson for Cheney's office indicated that he received a deferment due to an heretofore undetected pilodinal cyst. In Cheney's place suicides will be carried out by two data entry clerks and a yet to be outed CIA analyst.

Prime Minister Harper issued a statement saying the Americans had a right to defend their country and that so far he considered their response measured, and also noted that President Bush and his administration were a beacon of light and hope to the world.

Read More Please recommend this post

Daily Biking Musical Selections

While riding from downtown Calgary to home, I listened to the following tunes while desperately avoiding goofy two across roller bladers and goofy people with their flotation devices who think its actually safe to float on the Bow River. Someday I'll write about my horrible experience Canoing on the Bow.

Rob has a right to act in self-defense by putting good tunes on his mp3 player, and quite frankly I feel his selections are measured.

...

1. O Beauteous Heavenly Light - Jane Siberry
2. Jesus Christ The Apple Tree - Jane Siberry

A dude told me a story the other day about meeting Jane Siberry at a dinner party in Calgary. I could'nt even follow the story it was so weird.

3. Escarpment Blues - Sarah Harmer

A song about environmental damage. We send this one out to Rona Ambrose.

4. The Whole Night Sky - Bruce Cockburn

One of my all time favourite Cockburn songs, capturing the overall mood of the day.

They turned their backs i made it too hard,
every place they touched me is a laceration now
sometimes a wind comes out of nowhere and knocks you off your feet
and look see my tears, they fill the whole night sky...

4. October 70 - James Keelaghan

I wish I'd found out about James Keelaghan sooner. He writes incredible songs about Canadian history. The backdrop to this song is the FLQ crisis of 1970. I was not very old when that happened. I was kind of a doofus. I'd come home from school watch the images of soldiers in the streets, Trudeau talking tough, read about Pierre Laporte, flip the channel and watch something about Vietnam or Nixon. Things blowing up. People on fire screaming. Usual response: Can we have fish-sticks? I was a doofus. Awareness of the world grows to slow for some. Too fast for others.

5. My Sweet Lord - George Harrison - Concert for Bangladesh Live

My all time favourite Harrison song. He was the smartest of the 4. Love the guitar riff which may or may not be plagiarized. Personally I think not.

6. I'm A Mountain - Sarah Harmer

Wicked and wild Piano solo.

You must decide if you will die or grow

7. Gordon Lightfoot - The Way I Feel

Not my favourite Lightfoot tune but even his worst tune towers.

8. Way Over Yonder in the Minor Key

Billy Bragg sings a Woody Guthrie standard. A little cheeky. Natalie Merchant sings harmony.

Her mama cut a switch from a cherry tree
And laid it on to she and me
It stung lots worse than a hive of bees
But there ain't nobody that can sing like me
Ain't nobody that can sing like me

Hence the name Woody. For the longest time I thought he was singing "Harvard Bees" instead of "Hive of Bees". Googled Harvard Bees. Nothing. There was an urban legend about a guy who thought Jimi Hendrix was gay because he sang "Scuze me while I kiss this guy."

9. Pacing the Cage - Bruce Cockburn

Sunset is an angel weeping
Holding out a bloody sword
No matter how I squint I cannot
Make out what it's pointing toward
Sometimes you feel like you live too long
Days drip slowly on the page
You catch yourself
Pacing the cage

Conservative Majority.
Sorry, I don't know why I blurted that out.
Harper's a useless fascist.
Stop it. You're tired. Lets move on.

10. In The Falling Dark - Bruce Cockburn

Earthbound while everything expands
So many grains of sand
Slipping from hand to hand
Catching the light and falling into dark
The world fades out like an overheard remark
In the falling dark

Trivia: Apparently written sitting on Murray McLaughlin's roof watching the sunset.

Someday, I'd like to write a song sitting on top of Murray McLaughlin's roof. Or anyone's roof. If you wrote the world's greatest love song then fell fatally off the roof would that be Irony or Black Humour?

Its been hot all day but the sun is going down here also. The wind is picking up and a storm is moving in. *COUGH*Conservative Majority*COUGH*

Chick next door just brought a guy home. Or maybe he's "the" guy I don't know. They don't really walk up to the house as much as grope up to the house. Hilarious. Driveway foreplay. What are we animals are human beings I ask you? I hope her mother comes over with a switch from a cherry tree. Please recommend this post

In A Corner Backed In

Another postcard from the edge:

I find myself in a moral dilemma trying to figure out what's going on between Israel and Lebanon and how to form an opinion on it. My gut reaction to Mr. Harper's comments that Israel was acting in self defence and was demonstrating a measured response was not very good. Part of the problem is the twisted language. Orwell's ghost sighs with exasperation. Can't you people grow up and say what you mean. I have no idea what self defense means anymore and measured is just one of those words that does'nt really mean anything except that its intended to make us feel better about the death of people in both countries. I've never trusted Economists to speak clearly.

When the news came out that a Canadian family from Montreal was killed while visiting in Southern Lebanon I was absolutely fuming with the seeming recklessness of the IDF. I don't believe for a second that the IDF deliberately wanted to kill Canadians or any other civilians, I just wonder how these things happen, especially in the age of advanced weapon technology. I wondered how Mr. Harper would talk his way out of the seeming contradiction. Israel defends itself in a measured manner by accidentally killing a Canadian family and other civilians. How do you stand up with a straight face and tell people you support this. I have a sick feeling that Canada's position on the middle east has been radically changed by a minority government without any discussion at all. There's a debate you can look forward to with fear and loathing.

We have a pretty complacent life here in North America. Our hearts bleed a little when people die en masse in the third world. But then there's all that hockey to watch. Then we hear that some Americans or Canadians were killed and all our moral outrage starts pouring out. If you allow yourself a moment of reflection you start to ask yourself why one man's life is more important to you than another. It will be interesting to see how the Canadian media reacts to this family being killed. I wonder how they would react if Hezbollah had killed them.

The classic right/left positions don't really work and never have. Right wing thinking says that you have to approve of everything that Israel does or else you are anti-semitic and support terrorism. Typical leftist thinking offers too much sympathy to the Palistinian leaders who choose terrorism as a tactic and offer no hope to their people. Both positions are full of crap. A classic case of the coercive false dilemma. With us or against us can't be the only two choices because neither offers any hope.

If anything I suspect I have a bias towards Israel and a lack of understanding of the other side. I actually know very little about the Palestinians and their history. I have a pretty good nose for historical BS. You sort of have to because there's so much of it. I find it hard to get through the first paragraph of a lot of what I read because it is so full of hate and misinformation.

Our biases in North America are mostly cultural and religious. Most Canadians, such as myself, grew up going to Sunday School and learning about the history and religion of the Jewish People since most of their scriptures were co-opted into our Christian Bible. Christianity has always explained itself by using the Jewish Nation, History and Symbolism as a metaphor for the Church. I can see from the wacky rapture-ready web sites that this has caused all kinds of perverted thinking. Do they really need to cheer for the death of Palestians to feel closer to Christ and his return?

I also find myself not understanding why Israel keeps getting drawn into the same wars over and over again when it is clear that the approach is not working. I have trouble understanding why the Palestinian leadership repeatedly puts its civilians in such deadly and hopeless circumstances.

Dante was supposed to have written, The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crises maintain their neutrality. Well, he's only half right. Hell also reserves a places for people who coerce side-picking in a crisis where both sides are plain and deadly wrong. Please recommend this post

Slum Landlord

It should come as no surprise that our provincial government has not been keeping up with the maintenance and repair costs of Calgary's public school facilities. It has been well publicized lately. As a result we have numerous cases of ceilings falling in, electrical panels that have to be wrapped in plastic because the rain can't be kept out and students disrupted by having to be moved to other schools on short notice. I have not heard anything about conditions in Edmonton, but I would doubt they are any better, especially if you live in a riding that did'nt vote for the government.

According to estimates the cost of the deferred maintenance is around 425 million dollars.[1] This does not include capital projects that the government said they were committed to but have never funded. Why would a government with multi-billion dollar budget surpluses defer maintenance on publicly owned assets? Could it be they are philosophically opposed to publicly owned assets? No, that could'nt possibly be true. If it were true we'd expect them to also be ruining the public health care system...

The education minister apparently has no say in the way the education system is funded, and would much rather take a publicly funded trip to the Ukraine, where he does not have to hear about leaky ceilings and electrocution. When asked about whether the government would cough up the needed money Mr. Zwozdesky shrugs his shoulders and says apathetically, all we can do is ask. Poor Gene, he's not part of the inner circle. Therefore wet ceiling tiles will fall on little Timmy's head while he's trying to do calculus.

Meanwhile the Premier muses about another prosperity cheque and announces that Alberta is actually a Republican State. While the Premier wanna-be's engage in a pointless who's more bitter about the National Energy Program contest. It is truly surreal. Its a Stanley Kubrick movie and we play the peasants.

It is an appalling lack of judgment to let valuable assets slip into disrepair because the problems get worse and more expensive to fix. But thats what slum landlords do.

[1]The Alberta NDP cites $425M. The Alberta Liberal Party cites $420M. The Calgary Sun cites $425M. These estimates were likely obtained from the Calgary Board of Education. Please recommend this post

Picking Italy

I'm picking Italy to win in the World Cup 2006 final. I have some Euros riding on this prediction, but not enough to draw the attention of the Bishop of Calgary who apparently opposes gambling. The game will finish with a 1-1 tie and the Italians will win in a shoot-out.

Historically the French do not defend their territory very well and this will be a problem against the Italians whose game is built on spending a lot of time in the other teams end.

J'en suis désolé mes amis français. Peut-être prochaine.

Afterthought 1:
People will be googling Italians shoot-out and will end up here. Good thing I did'nt mention Etobicoke. Please recommend this post

My Heat Oppressed Brain

In a recent interview Keanu Reeves admits the fact that he was in a few fairly crappy movies. He goes on to say that he would like to do a film version of Shakespeare's MacBeth. He claims he can do a Scots accent, even without having a stroke first. The accent is probably the least of his worries in this difficult play. MacBeth is a complex complex character who gets screwed over by his wife and three English witches.

My suggestion is he talk Sandra Bullock into playing Lady MacBeth. They say that role is a bitch to play. The risk of Sandra Bullock playing Lady MacBeth is that some smart ass in the back row will yell, Hey, how can we make this Bus go below 50?

Another suggestion - modernize the story a bit. Replace the witches with Chartered Accountants. Or Bank Managers.

I actually think he could do it. It could not possibly be any worse than Mel Gibson's Hamlet With Turrettes, or Roman Polanski's 1971(?) version of MacBeth, with the skanky naked witches and all the senseless fast paced horse back riding, and more continuity problems than our Federal Government's environmental policy. Please recommend this post

Foreign Accent Syndrome

I just read the most amazing science article on the BBC website. It was even more amazing than the CBC article about the scientists putting stilts on Ant's legs to see how they measure distance. Ants on Stilts!

A woman in Newcastle UK had a stroke and after she woke up she could only speak in Jamaican, French Canadian, and Slovakian accents.

It does not surprise me that Doctors have a Diagnostic code for this, referring to it as Foreign Accent Syndrome. It is a bona fide brain disorder that occurrs very rarely in stroke victims.

If, God forbid, I should have a stroke, I would be very pleased to receive a very thick and hearty Nigerian accent. Finnish would be cool too.

It could be that the brain hears an accent here and there throughout the person's life then tries to use that information to relearn speech. Or maybe it is some form of hysteria brought on by the trauma of the stroke. I wonder how Freud would have explained this. He would have positively wet himself with a case like this.

Anyway its fascinating, no?

I think I smell burning toast...

Links:
Foreign Accent Syndrome
Ants On Stilts Please recommend this post

Pronger Wants Out

Not long after the Oilers ended their season it became known that Chris Pronger had requested to be traded.

Why on earth would anyone want out of Edmonton? *coughdumpcough*

This did not come as a complete surprise to me because even though he signed a five year deal the rumors were persistent. No one is really explaining the reason for the request which leaves the Edmonton Journal and Edmonton Sun no choice but to write mean and petty gossip. The Sun makes a personal attack on Pronger's wife referring to her as Yoko[1], then uses a deliberately deceitful choice of words that would leave stupid readers believing the Pronger marriage is in trouble, which in any case, is no one's business. Why don't they just get it over with and merge with the World Weekly News...or maybe even Macleans.

(Note: The Edmonton Sun Sunshine girls are looking especially manly and butch this week. And No, I don't want to know why.)

It is total speculation on my part, but what about some of the following possible reasons Pronger wants to move elsewhere.
a) The family finds the over the top obsessive know-it-all hockey culture and the petulant in-bred media a little too much.
b) They want to be closer to friends and family elsewhere.
c) Mayor Mandell has developed an unseemly crush on young Chris.
d) The family wants some privacy once in a while and realize they will never get it in Edmonton.
e) Dave Hancock.
f) Some other personal situation we don't know about, but would probably make sense to us if we did know.

Maybe once in a while people should just take a step back and shut the * up. Not everyone has to explain everthing all the time.

...

[1] Yoko Ono did not break up the Beatles and I get a little tired of hearing her name used as an epithet by careless writers. Go abuse someone who deserves it, like Celine Dion for example. Please recommend this post

Eve and Malory

I was sitting in the library minding my own business diligently trying to read the thick and murky pages of Christopher Hitchen's Kissinger On Trial. (Which I highly recommend.) Then I noticed a trash novel sitting on the desk across from me. It looked so twisted I had to read the synopsis on the back cover:

"Eve has no idea why she's drawn to the rambling , run-down sorority house at Greenbriar University. There's something compelling about the sultry president, Malory Thomas, and when Malory invites Eve to join the exclusive Fata Morgana, the blond, All-American beauty jumps at the chance to be part of this powerful circle. But behind the facade of female bonding lies something far more sinister - a dangerously secret world of dark magic, unimaginable sin, sexual depravity, and murder...a place where evil not only exists, it thrives...and the cost of membership may be Eve's very soul..." - The Sorority Eve by Tamara Thorne

I'm guessing they're not education majors.

Dear person who writes back of novel stuff: Malory should have two l's. Never ever name a character eve, its crushes what little sublety there is in the story's metaphor. An exclusive Sorority would never live in a run down house. There is no such thing as unimaginable sin. The reason it is sin is because of its imaginability. You don't see a good looking woman and say, oh I'm thinking something sinful...can't put my finger on it...its its...so unimaginable... We lack no details when it comes to sin.

Evil exists and it thrives. I'm so scared. Does it travel around and give motivational speeches? You never have to give up your soul for a sorority, just your brain cells. Could be Eve and Malory don't even have souls. Satan will be pissed when he gets inside them and finds nothing there worth possessing.

This book was probably written as bait for a movie. Satan will be trying to impregnate one or more of the C students in the Sorority, to usher in a apocalyptic age of evil and lower gas prices. He will be thwarted at the last minute by Keannu Reeves. There will be a lot of thwarting. Satan is mostly thwarted with wooden acting. Bruce Willis will run around mumbling in a pork pie hat. They'll be a few boobies.

Have you ever noticed that in American Cinema Satan is always thwarted, while in European Cinema he usually does quite well. I don't get that. Someone will have to do a serious study of that.

I definitely have to read more trash. I'm strangely drawn to bad writing. Feel free to throw that one back at me. Please recommend this post

Planting a Prediction

I woke up this morning thinking of Jacques Plante the Hall of Fame goalie who played from 1958 to 1974. I don't often wake up thinking of swarthy older Quebecois males but there was a piece of trivia that surfaced from my snake pit of a brain. Did you know that Jacques Plante was lured out of retirement to play for the Edmonton Oilers WHA team in 1974-75? This was before he died, but not by much. He had a respectable season that year (3.32) but the league was a little wacky. He played 31 games then retired for good no longer taking phone calls from Bobby Hull or Nelson Skalbania.

(Dude, run on sentences - ed.)

I would like to think that Jacques Plante is looking down from heaven and cheering on the Oilers for tonight's chance at winning their 6th Stanley Cup. An eerie otherworldly presence is just what the Oilers need to Ward off evil.

I noticed today that Jim Rome was talking about the seventh game. He rarely talks about Hockey. I also got the impression he was picking Edmonton to win. Once again the American Media is noticing the Edmonton Oilers. This should piss off the Fan960 radio station which hosts the Jim Rome show since they declared themselves the Official Carolina Hurricans Fan outlet.

Anyway, if the Supreme Intelligent Designer (God for the rest of you) would be so kind as to grant this presumptuous request, I hereby undertake the following solemn oaths.

1. I will become a Missionary. I feel I would be very good in this position.

2. I will give up arson, looting and vandalism on Whyte Avenue for a period of six weeks or months. Oh come on - which one of you has not set fire to something after a Hockey Game, I know I have. Do try to be a little less Victorian.

3. I will take Classical Guitar lessons.

4. I will wear an Oiler's Jersey throught the +15 in downtown Calgary. Repeatedly.

5. I will make the onerous journey to Edmonton for the Parade.

6. I will take in several Stampede Breakfasts wearing Oilers Gear, having always avoided them in the past due to health and sanitation considerations.

7. I will endorse Alana Delong in the Progressive Conservative Leadership race.

8. I will apoligize for saying back in January that it was time to clean house in the Oilers organization.

9. I will spend a moment or two to think about Garnet "Ace" Bailey who played for the Oilers in 1978/1979 and who was killed in the 9-11 attacks.

(That's only 9 - we need 10. Remember symmetry - ed.)

10. Ok. I'll refrain from looking at women with lust in my heart, for an appropriate period of time. Lets work out the details later.

Update - The Morning After: Well, that worked out well. Back to watching soccer players rolling around on the ground. Back to hating God. Pffft. Please recommend this post

Your Weekly Awards Show

The but-its-ok-when-we-do-it award goes to Colleen Klein for her observation that the 55% vote for Premier Klein was the result of dirty politics at its best. I think she meant dirty politics at its worst but who's quibbling. I think Nancy McBeth would agree with her observation and a number of the other walking wounded who have Rod shaped knived dangling out of their backs. It surprises me that all the techniques the Kleins used to get where they are now are suddenly offensive when others are using them. Grow up. What goes around comes around.

The tired cliche award goes to Liberal Leader Kevin Taft who used the deck chair/sinking ship metaphor to describe the most recent Alberta Government cabinet shuffles. Really, I was hoping for something wittier and sharper. Dr. Taft is a smart dude he could have done better. Something like...the talent pool over ther is getting so thin the entire front row has missing teeth and banjos on their laps. Dr. Taft also criticized Premier Klein for not having enough women in cabinet, a situation which was worsened yesterday by Dave Hancock's resignation.

The dead celebrity of the week goes to Gene Pitney. He had a wack of hits in the 60's, but the only ones I can vaguely remember are Town Without Pity and The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. He had this other lesser hit called Mecca, the first verse being:

I live on the West side, she lives on the East side of the stree-ee-eet
And though they say that East is East and West is West
And never the twain shall meet
Each morning I face her window and pray that our love can be
'cause that brownstone house where my baby lives
Is Mecca (Mecca, Mecca, Mecca) Mecca (Mecca, Mecca) to me-e-e-e-e-e.

Its kind of a goofy song when you think about Mecca being used a metaphor for teenage lust. I was listening to this song and thinking to myself that if someone recorded that lyric today there would probably be riots and Danish Cheese maker hostility. The Mullahs would be beside themselves not only because hormones are being juxtaposed with Islam's most sacred site but also because you can't issue a fatwah on someone who just died. I don't think those lyrics would go over very well in our current distemper.

Unfortunately, and I hesitate to bring this up, but that song got me to thinking about the 70 virgins that tradition says each Martyr gets upon reaching paradise. I could probably see where one or two virgins might be appealling - and I'm not sure why, just bear with me - there's a punch line over the horizon some where I'm sure - but after a while you would probably want someone who's been around a bit. What about 2 virgins and 68 girls who've had two or more boyfriends. What 70 virgins? Am I a martyr or a babysitter. Anyway, this whole virgin thing is off base because the virgins have changed quite a bit since the 14th century. They have their own cars and jobs now and occasionally don't get married and have children. The virgins are not sitting around in paradise waiting for the latest doofus to show up for an orgy.

Weren't we supposed to be giving out awards or something? Please recommend this post

Remembering a Real Leader

Reflecting on the life and death (April 4, 1968) of Martin Luther King has a way of putting the silliness and banality of Kleinapalooza into some perspective. King represented a generation of Christian leaders who were pacifist, liberal, and humanist. This tradition of the Christian faith has all but died out in our times. (Hat tip to the Christian Peacemaker Team dudes. )

Our current leaders both Provincial and Federal seem to me as technocratic and anti-humanist in their view of society. They seem to be completely divorced from the type of ideas that Martin Luther King fought and died for. I see that as a fairly large risk going into the future.

If you only read one thing that Dr. King wrote I recommend The Letter from a Birmingham Jail, a piece of writing that is on par with anything written by St. Paul, who, as you may know also scratched out letters from a jail cell.

Which you can read here. Please recommend this post

The Monday Night Disco

Why don't you tell us what music is playing on your computer right now?

Excellent idea unmedicated-voice-in-the-head. First I'd like to say there's no Michael Buble and no Black Eyed Peas. All else aside, I have some dignity.

I believe the last 10 songs got randomly churned out thusly:

1. John Lennon, Across the Universe (Beatles Naked Limited Edition)

I think this is one of Lennon's best songs.

2. Sheryl Crow, Soak up the Sun

The feel good song of the week.

3. Monty Python, Oliver Cromwell

An interesting history lesson about Cromwell and the Puritan Revolution. John Cleese opens the lesson explaining: The most interesting thing about King Charles I was that he was five foot six at the start of his reign but only four foot eight inches tall at the end of it because of .... It goes totally down hill from there. No where else can you hear some British comedians sing about Presbyterians and the Rump Parliament while Eric Idle occasionally yells Oy Vey in the background. A must listen for anyone interested in English history.

4. Jann Arden, Willing to Fall Down

Jann is so sad but also very talented. She makes me sad. Hey, I'm talented too! I think we just had an epiphany.

5. Martha Wainwright, Factory

My first time listing to Martha Wainwright. I think I like.

6. Beatles, Let it Be (Beatles Naked Limited Edition)

This is the stripped down version. I can't say I like as much as the Abby Road version. It is just Paul McCartney, a piano, some overwrought drums and the two dead ones singing light harmony. If you listen closely you can hear baby seals being clubbed in the back masking.

7. Jane Siberry - Jesus Christ the Apple Tree.

My all time favourite hymn. I'm not sure how it became identified with Christmas. From Siberry's Christmas album Shushan the Palace. Sometimes a song brings back memories of a time and place that is hard to express.

8. Blue Shadows with Billy Cowsill - Think On It

I was sad to hear Billy Cowsill passed away recently. My jaw dropped when I saw the list of the songs this guy wrote for the Cowsills and many others. I never knew anything about Billy Cowsill until I went to a Cabaret at the University of Calgary and saw the Blue Shadows. Unbelievable. I think it was the best concert I ever went to. Some guy kept threatening to beat me up all night for no apparent reason at all and his friend kept apoligizing to me. Later the three of us went for a drink. I gave that dude a ride home and he kept thanking me for the ride in between threats of violence.

9. Carrie Newcomer - The Moon Over Tucson

Never have heard of her but it seems tolerable. Seems kind of new agey. But you never know, she could be one of Cheney's hunting companions.

10. Stone Temple Pilots - Dumb Love

Meh. Please recommend this post

Freedom 55

I was surprised when I woke up on Saturday and heard that Premier Klein got only 55% support from his party's delegates. I clearly remember earlier in the week writing down 72% as my prediction. Everyone seemed shocked by the low number but after I thought about it a bit it did'nt seem all that surprising. Up on Centre Street a business has a portable sign that says Ralph Klein's Popularity is Finally Lower than his Blood alcohol level. I just about hit the curb when I saw that. You just don't see that kind of dissent in Calgary very often.

As a mathimatical oddity, the number of delegates required to give the premier 55% is roughly 666 delegates. I guess you could call them the Premier's New World Order Club.

What follows are some loosely connected thoughts on why the vote was so low:

1. The Premier has been retired for at least a year already. Completely disengaged. People notice these things. Alberta is completely unprepared for the future and not dealing with the present.

2. By all accounts his Friday night speech was a disaster. Apparently the response was icier than Emmanuel Sandhu's ass.

3. A lot of people thought a two year leadership race would be ridiculous considering that the Government is already mired in severe state of non-motion. See point 4.

4. Lyle Oberg is thin skinned, obnoxious, vindictive and has very bad hair. But he did have a point. A lot of people are probably grateful that a useless member of the party committed career suicide to get a point across. See point 3.

5. The twinning of highway 63 and the infrastructure problem in Ft. McMurray are real big issues to people north of Edmonton and in Ft. McMurray. I really believe a few votes went against Klein because of inaction on this issue.

6. Not being able to explain proposed Health Care changes to the public, or apparently even the caucus, in sentences that use verbs and nouns, and not just turgid, murky passive voiced platitudes. By the way, Iris Evans is an idiot.
(I'm sorry that was mean. I just thought I'd throw it in.)

7. Throwing the Liberal Party policy manual at the 17 year Legislature page would be the last straw for a lot of people. If I were a delegate I would never ever ever support a leader who behaved that way regardless of any other accomplishments.

8. Ruling partys crave power. The thought of a useless leader ruining their popularity fills them with fear and loathing.

9. There has been a dump Klein movement underway, running under the radar for quite some time now. I believe they have been well organized and effective.

10. Corb Lund won a Juno award for a stupid song about trucks getting stuck in mud. I know, its completely unrelated but it pisses me off and I'm not about to make a completely separate post about a stupid Corb Lund song.

I'm sure there are many more reasons that could be thrown around. But as a result of this unfortunate turn of events, I would just like to offer the Premier some possibilities for his future career.

He could...

Steal his daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool. That damn song has been stuck in my head all day.

Sell his influence, whatever is left, to various corporations to get them favourable government policies or no-bid contracts.

Work with Alberta ranchers to come up with a third way for cattle breeding. Convince them that the current method of breeding is not sustainable.

Work for the Fraser Institute and charge them large sums of money to put his name on the front page of bullshit studies. Sorry, I forgot, he already does that.

Team up with Larry Ryckman and do something really exciting and innovative things on the Alberta Stock Exchange.

Appear as a character witness for Augusto Pinochet when he goes on trial for being a genocidal maniac.

Run his numbered companies full time, whatever it is that those companies actually do.

Go Pheasant hunting with his good pal Dick Cheney. Pound back a few. Pick up some nice looking 50 years old. Lose a bit of face.

Make a full time job out of randomly throwing things at people who don't deserve to have things thrown at them. It could be kind of like a reality show. The simple minded life.

Have a public boxing match with Ezra Levant. What kind of a guy would'nt stick up for his wife after Levant's paper keeps making racial slurs and other pointless ad hominem's against Mrs. Klein.

Keep Barbara Amiel company after Lord Bunny Pants goes directly to jail. Can you tell I miss Frank magazine. Please recommend this post

Photos + Snark

A Hamas Member or Parliament shortly before rising on a point of order.

I was debugging a web application when the server sent back a response that was exactly 666 bytes in length. It unerved me. A lot.

Minister of the Environment Rona Ambrose speaks in the House of Parliament. She looks very angry. Now that she's in government all that anger can finally be channeled into something really useful like killing the Kyoto Accord. I have this idea about Ronazilla bobble-heads...

When this painting first came out it caused a bit of controversy, but no embassy burnings, no riots, and no Danish Cheese makers forced out of business. I apologize I lost the painter's name for proper citation.

I use the Firefox browser and email client. Occasionally I get weird messages. Open Source programmers, what can you do.

I love this picture of Cohen and Bono and an unidentified women. Cohen radiates coolness while Bono has to work at it.

No...that plot line does'nt really work for me. How about Eugene goes off his meds and blows up the whole neighbourhood including that stupid little record store. And then the CBC will have to cancel that horrible horrible horrible show. Get Mel Gibson in as a guest director for the last episode.

C'mon Nigel, lick the Toad. Lick the Toad! C'mon it'll be really cool.

One of my favourite paintings, Le Naissance de Venus by William Adolphe Bouguereau. So now when someone says she's really really bouguereau you'll know what they mean.

So...the new look is wearing St. Louis Blues uniforms. Yeah the Oilers are a playoff team alright. Weirder things have happened.

The Phoenix Oilers? The CBC makes two hockey gaffes in a row. And then you have to listen to Brian Williams.

During the Siege of Troy Achilles, played woodenly by Brad Pitt, calls in a bit of air cover. Actually I think the photo is a fake, but still, a bit of bombing would have helped that movie.

Looks like the fitness standards of the Philippines anti-coup anti-riot police have slipped somewhat. Please recommend this post

A Night At The Doctors

I had to get an eye exam today which was not much fun. I lost my glasses somewhere in Red Deer when I stopped to make a phone call while on the way to Edmonton. I know I had them on when I pulled into the McDonalds in Red Deer because I got out of my truck and looked at a sign that said Jacuzzi Suites $99.00 on the Motel across the road. I thought that would be kind of cool if you had someone to go with. Sex in a Jacuzzi probably is not all that much fun anyway. It's just one of those things that sounds sexy. You're probably better off going alone and just relaxing with a book. Or take someone who can bring you a beer or some wine once in a while, so you don't pass out from the heat and drown. I'd like to have a personal jacuzzi assistant, but not in a Brokeback Mountain way. I was thinking more like an Anthony Hopkins Remains of the Day kind of way.

I went to an Optometrist I've never been to before because my Doctor left his wife and buggered off somewhere, and I don't have a clue about my prescription. And even though my Doctor's wife was also an Optometrist she would'nt see me. I think she's quite bitter. I was overdue for an exam anyway. My eyes are really not that bad except for distance which means I definitely need them for driving and at night. I failed the pressure test widely. This is the test where they blow air against your eye and measure the fluid pressure. I have one eye that has way too high pressure. Now I have to go to an Opthamologist and get more tests. They measured it four or five times on 3 different machines and kept getting different results. So much for scientific accuracy. I am glad they are not running a nuclear power plant. If the pressure does not go down on its own they might drill a small hole with a laser and this will fix the problem by draining some fluid. Science is so cool these days. If they don't fix it it will have a long term negative effects on my eyesite. If your thinking about making a joke about masturbation I think you should stop thinking about making that joke. I hate to think that my eye could explode while meeting somebody important. Please to meet you your excellency...sploink.

To examine my eyes in detail she put some drops in my eyes that freeze the eye muscles so they dilate and can't adjust to light. They told me to go walk around for a while while it took effect. Very bad advice. Out in the mall with the bright flourescents and neon everywhere I just about went nuts. The light was like jabby pokey things and It felt like I was stoned or had a hangover. My vision went totally blurry. It raised my anxiety level quite a bit which was already high to begin with because I'm not really good at going to Doctors. I was thinking about how interesting the Brain's way of processing vision is. (And Mel Brooks' movie High Anxiety.) Why would distorted vision raise your anxiety level? Do blind people have lower anxiety levels? Then I walked into some woman. I think she was good looking. Her head looked like a big Sunflower. A redhead I think. She sure smelled nice.

Then the cute Doctor Lady did the exam and shone some really really bright lights in my eyes. That hurt. Then she showed me the images of my eye insides. That was interesting but creepy.

I went next door to pick out a new set of glasses but I gave up after a while because I could not really see any of them and the sales person was church lady smarmyish. It is true that I did pick out a pair of pink-like woman's frames, and while she was good to steer me away from this choice, she could have been a bit less smarmy. And stop calling me sweety and honey. Driving was really cool. The red traffic lights looked like big Psychedelic poppies. So cool. I really wish they would come out with some recreational Psychedelic drugs that have no harmful effects. I only had a couple of blocks to go, but I really should not have been driving. I tried to do some work on my computer but with my eyes still dilated and lazy I could actually see the monitor refreshing and pulsing and it hurt my head and freaked me out. It was four or five hours before I got coherent eye site back and lost the headache.

Please recommend this post

Remembering Charlie

Last week my step father Charles Creighton passed away unexpectedly at the age of 81. He passed away in the University of Alberta Hospital.

Charlie was born in North Dakota but his family came to Northern Alberta when he was quite young. They settled on a farm around the Hythe area. Their father died when the family was young and their mother had to raise 8 children by herself. Charlie occasionally told me a story about how poor they were. He left home when he was 13 or 14 to go work and I don't think he ever got to finish school.

In 1978 he met and married my Mother and they were always very happy together. I don't think they ever spent even a single day apart. They travelled all over the place together, in fact, I often had a hard time tracking them down. If they were not in their motor home camping somewhere they were flying someplace nice like Hawaii or Mexico. They spent a lot of time at North Buck Lake with my brother and sister. I'm very grateful for the time they spent together but I wish it could have been longer.

Before the funeral we were going through piles of photos. Charlie had a lot of grand-children and it was hard to find pictures where he did'nt have one or more of them sitting on his lap.

In all the time I knew Charlie he was always very kind to me, in spite of all the goofy things I did in my life. I'm still really in a state of shock. I realize that our family has lost someone irreplaceable, someone that was loved and respected by everyone who knew him.

Please recommend this post

rebate thursday

[Writing live from an undisclosed and tawdry location]

I got my $400.00 Alberta Government Energy rebate cheque in the mail today.

Thanks a lot to Big Daddy. I knew he loved me after all. He's a kind and generous man. And all you envious eastern frenchy loving kyoto signing gay marriage sex agendizing with your pot smoking hippy soccer mom pretensions won't get a piece of this one.

Not unless you fart out another Liberal majority and they bring in a National Energy Alberta Rebate Clawback Program. [1] (<- thats a footnote see bottom)

To be honest though, I'm not sure I'm in totally in need of this cheque. Sure its been a tough year and that may continue but there may be other people who need it more than me.

[Three red heads walking by. What are the chances.]

Take Murray Smith for example. With his paltry half million dollar salary, and his insulting MLA pension Murray struggles to make ends meet as Alberta's point man in Washington D.C. Do you have any idea how much a Limo costs, or a nice dinner at the Savoy Suites Hotel? It's a Dicken's novel for sure. And its not like he's loafing or anything, its hard hard work going to all those Cocktail parties desperately pleading with American Politicians to please please buy Alberta's Oil & Gas. He works hard for his demeaning wage. [2]

[Hey I know that guy over there. He ran this company into the ground. It was really quite funny. Well, not for the employees. ]

I was surprise at the large number of advertisements(sp?) for places that were offering rebates on things provided you paid with your Alberta Energy Rebate cheque. I figured all this piling on of rebates deserved its own word. I thought about super-aggregated-rebate but then I thought that was too grandiose. Then I thought of meta-rebate but that's too Greek and a little thick. One term I am definitely trying to avoid is Master-Rebate. I have settled on the term yoinkabate, as in, yoink thanks for your cheque here's your temporarily over-priced crappy MP3 player. bye now. Is this an example of intelligent design? One day a dinosaur farts, has a debilitating aneurism and falls over into a bog. Fast forward and now you're listening to Green Day. Now that's some wacky evolution, and hardly the work of a Supreme Being.

I was going to do some work on my house with that $400 cheque but I have a feeling that every dinky little job is going to be "around $400" for the next little while. So I guess I'll give some of it to charity, or to a political group that shares my philosophical inclinations.

Notes:
[1] Just so you know, if you read something like this in the Calgary Herald or Calgary Sun they're probably serious. Me, I'm just goofing around.
[2] Credits to Donna Summer. Please recommend this post