Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog. Please recommend this post

Weekend Update

Weekend update...

Because freedom is on the march, the Michael Jackson of Iraq (right) can now use a baby as a prop in a religious procession. Can we please stop dangling babies for publicity.

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Another techy email from IBM with the following advice:

You provided IBM with your e-mail address so that we could keep you informed of important events and new business solutions. If you want to be removed from the IBM e-mail list, please send an e-mail to IBM Developer Suppression.

What the heck is Developer Suppression? Why do they want to suppress me? I should be suppressing them, they brag way too much. Go suppress yourself I've got a headache. And hire an English major or two for God's sake.

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(CNN) BERLIN, Germany (AP) -- A new luxury hotel will open next month on the site of Adolf Hitler's Alpine retreat, which served as a part-time seat of government where he and other Nazi leaders often met to plan Germany's assault on Europe and the Holocaust. The new hotel, the Intercontinental Resort Berchtesgaden, will open on the Obersalzberg mountaintop to guests on March 1, the Bavarian Finance Ministry said Thursday.

Personally, I don't think I could stay there. Its probably haunted with some very angry ghosts.

Yeah, is this the Concierge? Ah yes, this is 301. Could you please send up a map of Poland. Yeah...and also, do you know how far the Czech border is from here...really...so whats that road like?

[a couple of hours later - knock knock]

Yes?

Oh hello, I'm the Hotel Manager.

Is there a problem?

Well you see, this is kind of embarassing really, but I have to let you know that we have a strict policy about European conquest. Quite silly really, but we have had some problems in the past.

Oh, ok, well...

And also, we don't really allow visitors after 11pm so I'm afraid all those Generals are going to have to leave for the night.

Oh, they were just on there way.

Ok thanks.

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Star Jones weighs in on the Tsunami tragedy and the wonderful mercy of God:

What Star Jones said:

"I was in Thailand for my honeymoon just a month ago. Thank God the tsunami didn't happen then. The Lord was looking out for me and I feel blessed."

What Jon Stewart said:

"God killed 160,000 people. Just because you werent there, thats not him blessing. My guess is that was an oversight. Seriously how far up your own ass do you have to be? I was almost killed in the Kennedy assassination. Six months before that, I was in a convertible."

What I said:

If she was dragged out to sea, it would have to be filmed and sponsored. This washing out to sea of Star Jones has been brought to you by... She would just float right back. Some people can't be shut up.

So this got me to thinking about having a swimsuit issue. I'm proud to present our first ever annual swim suit edition:

Click here for swimsuite issue

As they say in Calgary, whenever the Flames win: Oh Baby, you can put that one in the win column.

___

From the Guardian UK:

It appeared to be one of archaeology's most sensational finds. The skull fragment discovered in a peat bog near Hamburg was more than 36,000 years old - and was the vital missing link between modern humans and Neanderthals. This, at least, is what Professor Reiner Protsch von Zieten - a distinguished, cigar-smoking German anthropologist - told his scientific colleagues, to global acclaim, after being invited to date the extremely rare skull. However, the professor's 30-year-old academic career has now ended in disgrace after the revelation that he systematically falsified the dates on this and numerous other "stone age" relics.

I hate it when real and important science gets compromised by a clown. Now the creationist or intelligent designists or whatever they are calling themselves these days are going to use this as proof that evolution is bogus. Monkey trials everywhere. So what if the Neanderthals never lived in Northern France. They probably just did'nt like the caves.

More...

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The National Post goes hunting for Nazi war criminals:

Dr. Efraim Zuroff, a leading authority on Nazi war criminals, wants Canada to make a final push to hunt down such criminals. The world's foremost Nazi hunters want to place a bounty on Nazi war criminals hiding in Canada as part of a last-ditch plan to bring ageing Holocaust perpetrators to justice before they die. Discussions for a Canadian launch of Operation: Last Chance, an international effort by the Simon Wiesenthal Center, comes as the Jewish organization's chief Nazi-hunter, Efraim Zuroff, blasted Ottawa's handling of war criminals. He said the federal government's record of prosecuting those accused of committing atrocities during the Second World War and now living in Canada is dismal and distressing. "One of the places where nothing is happening is here. There is certainly a lack of political will in Ottawa," said Mr. Zuroff, who is based in Jerusalem and was visiting Toronto yesterday. "Canada is a safe haven for these guys. Sometimes the government does something to annoy them, but they don't get rid of them. It's like a hockey player who makes the moves, but can't put the puck in the net.

Its sort of a bad strategy though, tipping your hand like this. I'd be willing to bet that 9 out of 10 Nazi war criminals are daily readers of the National Post. Read their letters section, come on.

More...

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Atwood up for Booker

(CBC) WASHINGTON - Margaret Atwood is among a list of prestigious nominees for the first Man Booker International Prize. Atwood joined a celebrated group of contenders from 13 countries for the new $140,000 literary honour. She will compete with 17 authors, including Saul Bellow, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Gunter Grass, Ian McEwan, Philip Roth and John Updike.

That's quite the crowd to be in.

More...

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George Michael announces and explains sudden retirement

(BBC) Singer George Michael has said that a new film about his life is the start of a retirement from public view. The pop star said it would be a much more "behind the scenes affair", and called his own genre of music "dead". "I thought I should explain myself before I disappear," said Michael, who was at the Berlin film festival to launch the documentary. The film, A Different Story, chronicles Michael's life and career from the 1980s and his personal struggles. The 41-year-old chart-topper told reporters in the German capital that he wanted to "move his career into a different form", but added that he does not know what it is going to be yet. "I'm still going to be making music," he said, but added that he was "not going to be around".

Once in a while the punch line just writes itself: "Its always nice to go out at the top of your game."

Letters we got on this:

Dear Sirs,

Its hard hard work staying at the top all the time.

Regards,

Anna Kournikova

Dear Sirs,

I understand where he's coming from. I've been thinking of scaling back a bit.

Regards,

Leonard Nimoy

Dear Sirs,

Man, I was so lucky to get out when I did.

Regards,

Pete Best

More...

___

Catholic bishops: Over 1,000 new claims of abuse

(CNN) WASHINGTON (AP) -- The nation's Roman Catholic bishops said Friday that over the last year they received 1,092 new allegations of sexual abuse against at least 756 Catholic priests and deacons. Half of the accused priests over the past year had been previously accused of abuse, said Kathleen McChesney, executive director of the bishops' Office of Child and Youth Protection.

The Office of Child and Youth Protection? That's beyond creepy. I'll bet the Office of Child and Youth Protection gets quite a bit less money and attention than the Office of Preventing Gay People from Being Happy. If they put as much energy into fighting this as they do in fighting homosexuals then they could probably make some progress.

More...

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Speaking of institutional perversion. Steve West defends severance package:

(CanWest) Premier Ralph Klein's former chief of staff says he deserves a $180-thousand severance package after six months on the job. Steve West says he came from a very lucrative job in the private sector and the amount of money he made at his government job was less than half of what he previously earned.

So...he gave up what job exactly? The Inspector General of Dog neutering for the county of Glenfiddich? Its not the tax-payer's fault that West was a miserable failure in the impossible task of baby sitting Ralph Klein. When he was hired the Premier had lost control of everything and was drifting aimlessly. No one was about to listen to anything Steve West had to say. One thing the Tories have been pushing is the idea that every government department has to develop business plans and meet performance objectives. I think its called accountability.

___

Finally, a useful article from Fortune Magazine, explaining why CEO's are like babies. You would think that an article like this would not go over very well in Fortune Magazine. As you read it you may find yourself saying eggzactly out loudly.

Read it...

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(CBC)TORONTO - The companies that sell auto, home and business insurance to Canadians have reported record profits of $4.2 billion in 2004 – a figure the Consumers Association of Canada called "obscene." The industry's 206 companies also reported record return on equity of 20.6 per cent last year. "These financial results confirm that the P&C [property and casualty] insurance industry has returned to financial health following a period of the weakest earnings in its history," said Stan Griffin, president of the Insurance Bureau of Canada (IBC).

More Alberta Tory math: So lets see...my policy drops by $10 per year, but If I'm in an accident and get a "soft tissue injury" I better hope its an under $4000 soft tissue injury, otherwise I'll have to dip into that $10/per year savings reserve fund.

___

From the Sunday Mirror:

CAMILLA BANNED FROM WHITE HOUSE - GEORGE Bush has banned Camilla Parker Bowles from the White House - because she is a divorcee. The unprecedented snub has effectively sabotaged Charles's plan to take his bride on a Royal tour of America later this year. But the US President - a notoriously right-wing Christian and reformed alcoholic - told aides it was "inappropriate" for him to be playing host to the newly-weds, who are both divorcees.

They'll yank her off a plane, send her to Cuba in a hood, then claim there was a mix up with a terrorist named Camilla Tariq'Ak Barqoui. Can't wait till Charles drags it to Canada and the Monarchist League of Canada goes all nuts. What position will they take? On the one hand they are obsequious boot lickers...but on the other hand they can't very well be seen to approve of a commoner in the Royal Family. At least not an un-photogenic one. Oh, what a dilemma. Well at least Charles will leave Prince von Ribbentrop at home. Won't they have to give Camilla a title of some sort? Did'nt they make Wallace Simpson the Duchess of something something. She was quite un-photogenic as well. Can't wait to see how that plays out. I mean, everybody likes an accident scene. Oh like you don't read the articles about those two.

___ Please recommend this post

Daily Update

I say, the news is rather odd today, to wit:

(CBC)FRANKFURT - Doctors believe three German patients contracted rabies after receiving organ transplants from the same woman. The three people are in critical condition, the German Foundation for Organ Transplants said Wednesday. The organ donor had shown no signs of rabies before she died of a heart attack in late 2004, but tests have now proved that she had the viral disease, the foundation said.

Well, now that you mention it she was foaming at the mouth and barking. We thought she was just crazy, and when we see a crazy person its policy to take their organs. We are determined to get to the bottom of this. My associate Dr. Nick Riviera will be heading up the investigation. But you have to admit, Rabies, come on who would have thought of that. Frankly we think the media, specifically the CBC, is just trying to stir of trouble here.

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(BBC)Nigeria transvestite handed fine...The judge told 19-year-old Abubakar Hamza, who used his female identity to sell aphrodisiacs, to desist from "immoral behaviour". Mr Hamza, who appeared in court dressed in a pink kaftan and matching cap, said he was now "a reformed man". Since his arrest, he has become a celebrity in the strict Muslim city.
Posters of him dressed in women's clothing have been selling well.

After some discussion, we determined that transvestite is the correct term here. It simply means someone who wears opposite sex clothes. However there is still a raging debate over transvestism vs. transvestitism. The latter sounds too much like hypnotism, but don't send me any poetry. And if you wake up one day wearing some chick's clothes, I suppose you could say Hey man, I've been tranvestitised.

I think the guy is courageous to try this in a Muslim country. Obviously the courts did'nt find it amusing even though he has quite a pretty face when he's done up. Sometimes a guy can see another guy as being pretty and it does'nt mean anything except he's pretty. Just sayin...

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Giants to tackle Viagra spam ring

(CNN)The two [Microsoft and Pfizer] are filing 17 parallel lawsuits against two "international pharmacy spam rings" selling what they claim are generic versions of Viagra online. Pfizer said two websites named in the suit sold "potentially dangerous medications" unapproved by regulators.

Glad to know these two fine corporations are on it. I always look to Pfizer to tell me what drugs are not safe, and to Microsoft for secure computing. I'm sure they'll continue to work hard with a sustained vigor. What are parallel law suits? If you have 4 lawsuites and 2 of them go off at 90 degrees and sort of fall over do they become parallelogrammatic law suits? Anyone? Okay, you're a lawyer and a senior partner walks in and says, Bobby, those three parallel law suits you got going, the partners feel the clients would be better served by a right angle triangle law suit. Eventually, the lawyers are walking around with thick books on Pythagorus. (Oh, must I explain who Pythagorus is all over again.)

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(CBC) EDMONTON - A former Alberta cabinet minister [Steve West] known for slashing government payrolls received a severance package of $180,000 after a few months on the job as Ralph Klein's chief of staff.

Not bad for a years worth of work that produced nothing of value except getting fired. But he did not do as well as Murray Smith who got a 1/2 million dollar severance along with a patronage appointment to be Alberta's Chief Bootlicker in Washington D.C. How do you get a severance and continue to be an employee?

The part that bugs me is that for 8 years West insulted every government employee and department he could find claiming they were lazy, corrupt, and overpaid. I guess he was partly right.

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(CNN) Michael Jackson was on his way to court when he was taken ill. Mr Jackson, 46, fell ill on the way to court in Santa Maria on Tuesday where he was due to attend the jury selection process in his child abuse trial. Judge Rodney Melville, who is in charge of the trial, has postponed jury selection until next Tuesday morning. Mr Jackson has denied 10 counts of child molestation. Late on Tuesday, Chuck Merrill, a physician at the Marian Medical Center, said Mr Jackson was suffering from "a flu-like illness with some vomiting."

One of these days he will vomit and his nose and chin will just go flying off. I know for me when I vomit from the flu I immediately rush over to the emergency ward. The hospital I go to is really good. They have nice amenities like the red wine and the tuck in. I'd be vomiting too if Kobe Bryant was the best character witness I could come up with in a rape trial.

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(CNN) Two "Dogs Playing Poker" paintings cleaned house at Doyle New York's annual Dogs in Art Auction, fetching a staggering $590,400, the auction house said.

Before the sale it was estimated that the two rare paintings from Cassius Marcellus Coolidge's 1903 series of dogs playing poker would fetch $30,000 to $50,000, Doyle said in a statement after Tuesday's auction.
The auction house said that, after intense bidding, "A Bold Bluff" and "Waterloo: Two" sold to a private collector from New York City. The buyer was not identified.

Of course Coolidge did have a few failures in his early career. Nine gerbils playing Dominos was widely hated by the critics.

The buyer was not identified? No shit. Sold to the batty dude with too much money and the sack over his head.

So...just after they sold the Monet and the 300 year old Wine, the auctioneer with a snooty tone says...The sequential narrative follows the same players in the course of a hand of poker...In the first painting, the St. Bernard holds a weak hand as the rest of the dogs maintain their best poker faces. In the next scene we see the St.Bernard raking in the large pot, much to the very obvious chagrin of the other dogs...gentlemen...to I hear half a million pounds...ah is that Lord Black...

That St. Bernard really pisses me off. So smug.

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(CBC) A new reality show will aim to find the next Janis Joplin. Called Search for the Pearl, the series will feature auditions by vocalists trying to mimic Joplin's rough-voiced style. Perhaps best known for her cover of Kris
Kristofferson's Me and Bobby McGee, Joplin had a brief career before dying from a heroin overdose in 1970 at the age of 27.

O God no please stop. There was only one Joplin. Go imitate Amy Grant or something. Or here's an idea, stick all the contestants on an Island and give them an unlimited supply of Heroin. In related news...Renee Zelwegger will play Joplin in an upcoming bio movie, but fortunately they could not get rights to use any of the music.

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RSVP

Mr. & Mrs. Major Kipper Parker
Request the honor of your presence
At the marriage of their daughter
Camilla Parker-Bowles
To
Charles Philip Arthur George Windsor
Duke of Windsor
Son of The Unamused One & Phil The Greek
Marriage Ceremony to take place at 3:00 Pm
Holy Sisters of the Jesus-She-Really-Really-Is'nt Amused Cathedral
Reception to Follow
Shaganappi Golf & Country Club
Cocktails @ 6:30 pm
Dinner @ 8:00 pm
The Bride is Registered with Marks & Spencer

Formal Dress
No Kilts
Pantyhose
No Nazi Insignia
Proof of Aristocracy may be required.

Valet Parking (See Lord Black)



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Hockey Hearthrob Besmirched

The Moscow Times checks in with:

Hockey heartthrob Pavel Bure is suing Arbat Prestizh for 300 million rubles ($10.66 million) after the cosmetics chain's free promotional paper ran an article in which Bure brags about taking the virginity of tennis princess Anna Kournikova.

If the Russian-born National Hockey League star wins the suit, it would be one of the biggest awards for libel in the country's history.

"I believe that the magazine Arbat Prestizh Telegid disseminated information inconsistent with reality [and] besmirching my honor and dignity," Bure said in a filing to Moscow's Tagansky district court last week.

Took her Virginity? Where to? Having seen her play tennis a few times I've noticed she often gets her lunch money taken. Of course Kournikova will have to counter-sue Bure. How many women want to hear their ex base a law suit on the idea that their intimate moments caused him to be besmirched and de-dignified. Then Federov will counter-counter sue because after all, if Pavel has been besmirched then it seems to follow that Sergei was as well. A number of times probably, if you believe the Hockey News. Then Enrique Junior will have to sue somebody because you don't talk about a guy's girl like that. They'll all end up in court with Russia's version of Judge Lance Ito who won't understand a thing about anything and will spend years ruling on the sealed manilla envelopes people keep sending him. Finally, Jane Austin will be dug up and called as an expert witness on courting protocols. Sooner or later Chretien will show up with his golf balls and that will cause a mis-trial.

---

Dear Sirs,

After reading this story I was so distraught I immediatedly dropped from #2 to #7 in the Women's Tennis Association rankings.

Regards,
Amelie Mauresmo

---

Dear Sirs,

The players need to understand that the owners are totally united on this issue of protecting young russian woman tennis players, and thats why we need cost certainty through a salary cap.

Regards,
Gary Bettman

---

Dear sirs,

Hey, if you guys need some extra money or something for legal fees or whatever.

i'm just saying...

Regards,

Jose Theodore's mother

---

Dear Sirs,

Yeah, and I'm sitting here with three screaming babies married to that chick from full house. That's the way its always been, Pavel always gets besmirched never me.

Regards,

Valerie Bure

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Super Bowl Positives

Things that went ok at the Super Bowl

1. Terrell Owens did not accuse any teammates of being gay.
2. Paul Mccartney did not get acid reflux, his band played the right songs in the right order, and his boobs stayed in his shirt.
3. Former presidents Bush and Clinton were chumming around together promoting their role as goodwill ambassadors for Tsunami relief.
4. Former president Bush did not vomit on anyone.
5. Former president Clinton did not...well nevermind.
6. No one made racist comments with a microphone in their face.
7. The next day, the media was talking about the game, not about some freak, or some freak's sister.
8. No one mocked the dropping of the pants in the end zone.
9. Orenthal James stayed home.
10. Charlie Daniels did not pass out and fall into the mosh pit, thus saving the lives of many.
11. No female reporters had to interview Joe Namath, thus avoiding the dreaded drunken Celebrity French Kiss.

All in all, kind of dull.

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Answering Maching #1

ring...ring...ring...ring...

Hello, you've reached the Vatican, world headquarters for Catholicism. No one is here right now because we are very busy dealing with the heathen. Please leave a message after the beep.

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP]


[cough][cough]yeah, this is the Pope...[dry heaving noises] yeah, I don't think I can make it in today I'm pretty sick. [cough], so I'll call back later to update you...[wheezing]...oh yeah, can you please get Cardinal Biffle to start looking at those Gap Commercials with Sarah Jessica Parker, we need to get going on condemning those. [cough]. Bye.

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My Girlfriend is Mean and I'm Not Gay

Hi. Whats up y'all. My name's Jeff Garcia. You might remember me as QB for the Calgary Stampeders. Fourth leading passer in Club history. Y'all might of read some crappy stuff about me lately.

First I'm not gay. I'm dating a Playmate of the Year. Terrel Owens said that about me because he was a crappy reciever and coach would'nt let me throw to him very often. Where's he now? Exactly. In retrospect, I should not have started phoning up media outlets to deny that I was gay. That appears to not have helped much. Now they follow me around to see if I'm with a girl.

Then one night we head out to this bar in Cleveland called Tramps. Carmella - that's my Playmate of the Year girlfriend which proves I'm not gay - was in a foul mood, and I knew something was going to go off. Later, my ex shows up (also a woman) and starts causing trouble. I just wanted to leave but Carmella was dancing on a table. When she does that I just sort of ignore her. (Unless she tells me to do something) Suddenly it was like a Quentin Tarantino movie she was kung-fuing the ex swinging off this pole.

When I saw her swing off that pole and kick my ex in the head I was totally amazed man. I never saw anything like that in Calgary. She's such a dainty thing. It must have been those Rasberry Vodka Coolers. Later I said, hey, where'd you learn to swing off a pole like that but she just glared at me.

Well now we all have to go to court. I hope they put me on the stand and ask if I'm gay.

Some of you are making jokes about how my girlfriend had to fight another girl to protect me. Someone even joked that if my front line in Calgary had protected me like that we might have won more Grey Cups. That's not very funny. The truth is I was on the injured reserved list at the time so if coach found out I was scrapping in a bar with a chick he would not be a happy man. He's already over the edge about the gay thing.

Another thing, Carmella is not the "reigning" Playboy Playmate of the Year because Playmates of the Year don't reign. It's not like she runs around with a Tiara opening kids hospitals. God I hope she does'nt read this. Your always the Playmate of the Year for that Year its not like they all of the sudden decide they need a new Playmate of the Year for 1986. And the funny thing is they can't take it away from you because they found out you posed in Playboy. Ha! That one cracks me up.

Anyhoe, gotta run.


With non-gay material kindly provided by:
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/6815294/
http://www.outsports.com/nfl/2004/0812garciaowens.htm Please recommend this post

Right Out of The Ball Park

I was just listening to Janeane Garofalo on the Radio, and she was talking about David Frum. She called him an "all around douche bag". I thought that was pretty good, although understated. You don't often hear that kind of thing on the radio. It made me perk up.

Now a bit of sociology to explain: The Douche Bag Drain is the opposite of the Brain Drain. The Brain drain is when talented people go to work in the United States. Naturally, we would prefer these type of people stay here and work. The Douche Bag drain is the opposite. That's when people who are useless or obnoxious migrate to the United States (or Switzerland) and we end up pretending we don't know they're Canadian. Celine Dion? Canadian? Really? No I think she's Romanian. Yeah...I'm pretty sure.

Well that was nasty little piece, but I felt we needed to get it out of the way. I'm always happy to clarify these little things.
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Nazi Cleanup in Oregon

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/01/29/nazis.road.reut/index.html

Nazis in Oregon? I thought they were more in Idaho and Lake Chapparal.

Nice to see they are suppporting their community as opposed to annexing Poland or committing mass murder. I wonder if they know that when they adopt a highway they have to clean up the trash from the ditches twice a year. I wonder if they'll only pick up the white trash. Don't you see the irony of the master race walking around with those little pointy sticks picking up trash. They'll probably use it as a teaching opportunity...Look around you Jimmy, trash everywhere, and do you know where it comes from? That's right Jimmy, the black man and the Jew put it here to keep the white man divided and confused...

I was thinking it would be fun to drive down that highway and throw paperbacks written by famous Jewish authors into the ditch. A little gas on the fire never hurt anyone.

---

Dear Sirs,

I once gave this crazy interview in Russia and I was going on and on and on and you know what - the translator was getting it all wrong. Anyhow, I just wanted to say those guys in Oregon probably have a lot of good ideas about looking after that highway. Lets just hope they don't go too far.

Regards,
Bobby Hull

Dear Sirs,

The problem with Nazi Germany as everyone knows is that the master race had no cost certainty and therefore could not remain competitive.

Gary Bettman

Dear Sirs,

Sounds fab. Do you know if they have an summer intern program?

Regards,
Prince Harry

Dear Sirs,

In those dark dark days following my Abdication, the Duchess and I and spent many lonely days in the Castle, our friends and family seemingly abandoning us, with only our undying love one for another keeping us sustained. Of course the garbage did pile up in the driveway. One would have given anything for a few kind Nazis to drop by and help us out, but alas, it was a time of war.

Regards,
Duke of Windsor (Posthumously)

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Future Tory MLA

Everytime I listen to BBC Radio Scotland they tell some weird story. Last week they were phoning in and requesting songs by Gordon Lightfoot. They probably listen to the Canadian Railroad Trilogy and think ah the Colonies, how quaint. Yeah Scotty, there's a bunch of guys out in my back yard swinging sledge hammers and eating beans.

This week it was this one:

...a 12 year old got bored at the family dinner party and decided to leave early and go visit some friends. it was quite rude of her not to tell anyone where she was going, especially since she took dad's car. Being drunk and generally uncooperative with law enforcement officials did not help much when she got pulled over and arrested.


Keep an eye on that kid she's going places.
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Clay and Wood

(Reuters) A man who went missing five weeks ago in south-western France has been found alive in an underground cave system where he had got lost. Jean-Luc Josuat-Verges, 48, told police he survived by eating wood and clay. He was found thanks to some teenagers who had been exploring the caves, which are normally closed to the public. Mr Josuat-Verges left his home on 18 December suffering from depression and telling his wife he wanted to be alone for a time, local newspapers said. Taking a bottle of whisky he drove his jeep to an abandoned mushroom farm consisting of a vast network of underground tunnels.


Which of us has not wanted at one time or another, to pound back some whiskey and stale mushrooms while getting lost in a vast underground tunnel system surviving only on wood and clay. I know I have.

---

Dear Sirs,

That guy's story totally lacks credibility. What kind of an idiot would believe a story like that?

Dar Heatherington

---

Dear Sirs,

Whenever my band gets me lost in a vast network of underground tunnels, I just sing and walk towards the booing.

Regards,
Ashlee Simpson
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Labor Dispute Hits Children

After failing to reach a new contract after exhaustive bargaining sessions, Santa Claus announced today that he would be locking out the Elves. The Elves union spokesperson immediately claimed that Santa was not bargaining in good faith and wanted to ruin Christmas for everybody. Unless an agreement can be reached by the end of this week, the 2005 Christmas season may have to be scrapped. Santa has already started cancelling appearences in early November 2005.

The Elves are calling into question the financial numbers disclosed by Santa. They say they do not include hidden revenue streams such as licensing fees from such movies as Bad Santa and Black Christmas. They also claim that a lot of the accounting mumbo jumbo is over their heads.

Santa contends that the business model is not sustainable and must be fixed, and that he has lost 12 billion dollars in five years. The Elves have stated repeatedly that a salary cap is a non-starter. Santa has rejected the latest counter-proposal of the Elves rejecting a luxury tax on expensive toys.

No further talks are scheduled and Santa complained today that the Elves are being short with him.

Public sympathy seems to be lacking towards the Elves as more and more people see them as greedy under-performers. Please recommend this post

Debacle x 3

First there was the Saturday Night Live debacle. Last week there was a new debacle. Ashlee was asked to sing at half-time at the Orange Bowl game. True, it was a horrible game and the fans were overly receptive to a distraction. That's why O.J. Simpson was there. O.J. decided that this year was his year to go to the Rose Bowl and get out among the people. Just when you thought O.J's presence was going to start a small riot Ashlee gets up and sings. Unfortunately this time she was not lip-syncing and as a result got booed off the stage. They played the clip over and over and over and over again on the Radio. It made me want to cry. Anyway, there are two humiliations here: 1. Getting booed off the stage; 2. Causing 60,000 people to forget about the serial killer in the crowd.

Of course this caused a whole slew of jokes about O.J. stabbing Ashlee to shut her up, or various flavors thereof. Who knew aquitted murder could be so funny.

Actually there's three humiliations. Soon after the Orange Bowl reaction an online petition appeared, asking Ashlee to stop singing. Can you think of any entertainer who has had this happen to them?

You know she's a very nice looking girl, not trashy boobs out like the sister. Maybe she could do something in modelling or spokespersoning.

Well you can sign the petition if you must be petty, but I'm not happy about publishing this link:

http://www.petitiononline.com/StopAsh/petition.html

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Tsunami Relief

Boots on the ground.
Planes in the air.
Trucks on the road.
Money piling up.

Now to save some lives.

Contribute:

www.redcross.ca
www.oxfam.ca
www.unicef.ca
www.worldvision.ca
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Bertuzzi Update

Todd Bertuzzi was finally sentenced and our long national nightmare now comes to an end. Bertuzzi pled guilty to assault received a conditional discharge with parole and some conditions. This means no jail time and no criminal record. Bertuzzi is now trying to get permission to play in Europe while the NHL lockout is on, but there is no guarantee this will be allowed.


Letters:

Dear Sirs,

Man if a guy did that to me, I'd take him out to dinner all nice like then...blam blam blam. What I mean is I'd sue for sure.

Robert Blake

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Dear Sirs,

Todd Bertuzzi can play on my team anytime.

Regards,
Graham James

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Homulka Watch

Karla Homulka has not applied for early release or parole choosing instead to serve her full term. She will be released sometime in 2005 and rumors persist that she will settle out west. Corrections Canada expressed their confidence in her reform:

...we have no confidence that this individual will not cause harm or death to others.

Letters:

Dear Sirs,

Double negatives can often be removed from a sentence to make it more clear and pleasant for the reader. Instead of saying "we have no confidence that this individual will not cause harm or death to others" try saying "we have confidence this individual will cause harm or death to others." That's nicer is'nt it. A little up-tone on the "will" can also enhance your meaning. Good luck.

Regards,
Martha Stewart.

Dear Sirs,

Where out west?

Regards,
Orenthal

Dear Sirs,

I can assure you um that we have a plan relative to um um the Homulka thing and I can er um assure you relative to the plan that um we..um..where's Rod? I'm tired of this crap. Get Rod. Stop yipping.

Regards,
Ralph Klein

Dear Sirs,

Homulka had a lot of good ideas, she just went too far.

Regards,
Bobby Hull


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Sympathetic Cooperation

From the Edmonton Public Schools Report Card preamble, circa 1970:

It is the aim of the school to help your child become a good citizen, prepared to lead a happy and useful life. To this end the school is concerned with his all-round development. You child is provided with an opportunity to develop his individual gifts and to become well adjusted socially. He is encouraged to develop good habits, attitudes and ideals, and to acquire knowledge and skill in the regular school subjects in keeping with his abilities.

For the child, the best results can be secured only through the sympathetic co-operation of the home and the school. We ask your help.

What. What are you looking at. I'm all that.

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Your done

[Ring] Yeah, 2004, sorry to call you at home. Say, we've been thinking about things here and ... there's no easy way to say this, but well you're no longer required. Yup uh huh. We're going in a whole new direction - have you met 2005? Very professional. Anyway, I have to be honest with you I haven't seen such a bad year since... well your the worst in a long time. Annis Horribilis. We were hoping you could be more like say 1987 but now its best if we just make a clean break.. So...Bruno will help you clean out your locker and good luck. Bubye then. Bubye. Nope. Nope Yep... bye...yeah bye. Listen I gotta go. [Slam]

Who hired that guy.

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A Poem

I wrote this free-verse poem while waiting for Christmas dinner to be served. Frankly I think its one of my best:


julia roberts runaway bride eric roberts runaway train
poetry poultry poultry poetry
when i come back i expect to find you gone gone wait for me
hot damn jacques derrida has died
paul martin ouagadougou
paul martin ouagadougou
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