Edmonton Eskimos on bye Week

It is a bye week for all the western CFL teams.

Hey, esks fan, its a bye week, take a deep breath and
chill out.




No wait, don't take a deep breath.

Well at least you have something to look forward to:



Get to the buffet early.


Disclaimer: don't put a plastic bag over your head its dangerous and you could suffer serious consequences up to and including death its a fact. Please recommend this post

Summer Reading - Part 1

Alternate Title 1: Government By Outrage



I just finished reading Dr. Kevin Taft's latest book Democracy Derailed. Derailed is probably a generous word. The book is basically about government scandal in Alberta and the undermining of basic democracy. I think it is fair to say Alberta is at an all time low point in terms of its democratic traditions.

Almost all of the issues Dr. Taft discusses are not new to me. From the Asbestos removal at the Holy Cross Hospital, to Multi-Corp, to cabinet Ministers owning Oil companies - it has all been out there. However when you put it all together in one book it leaves you with a rather foul taste.

This is a book all Albertans should read. Dr. Taft has a very good writing style. He explains the issues clearly, providing a lot of detail and back-up, while not talking down to the reader.

The book's website has a very good quiz on some Alberta history and issues. Regrettably, I scored very low on the quiz and I was quite embarrassed. It is an indication that there is always surprises and false assumptions if you don't educate yourself.

Take the quiz. Let me know how you did.


Disclosure: I have no relationship with the Alberta Liberal Party. Please recommend this post

We Support LibelChill.ca

Bad title. Sounds like we support libel chill when in fact we support libelchill.ca which is against libel chill.




This is an important issue. Under current Canadian law someone can be sued for libel for almost anything. Our laws have not kept up to our technological advancement. As a member of several different blogging communities I link to hundreds of blogs each of whom link to hundreds of other blogs and resources which continues ad infinitum.

There are currently lawsuits underway that argue that web site owners should be liable for the content they link to whether directly or indirectly. This has massive implications for standard online technologies such as blogs, aggregators, search engines and Wikis.

The end result is that authors will not exercise their right to free speech or join online communities simply out of fear. The high cost of legal defense will cause many to cave in even though there is no case.

Anyway, please visit libelchill.ca and educate yourself on the current lawsuit and the defendants need for your support. I would also recommend visiting section15 for more background information. Please recommend this post

CBC Irritates Retard

Tonight at 12:30 am the CBC will be re-broadcasting the last 13 minutes of last nights thrilling football game between the Edmonton Eskimos and the Regina Rough Riders. There was a huge thunderstorm around the third quarter and the game was suspended for about an hour.

The CBC broke off coverage of the game so they could stay on schedule and show their Saturday Night Late Movie. So, to the CBC we present our first annual Dave Hodge Pencil Tosser Award of Excellence. Aside from the prestige of this award, Steve Armitage will get a free dinner for four at the Kelsey's in Sherwood Park, Alberta. (Order a day or two ahead of time if you're hungry.)

Later last night, the natives in Edmonton were not un-restless. One retard phoned 630CHED to complain that the CBC had broken away from the game, and not only that, they were showing soft core porn.

To the retard we award an important award we have not named yet, for not being able to distinguish between soft core porn and a British Indie film that won all kinds of super obscure awards.

I find it odd that someone would be upset about soft core porn after watching a bunch of grown men in tight polyester grabbing each other's packages and slapping one another on the butt. Each to his own.

Anyway, the winner of this award receives a two DVD package featuring Ingmar Bergman's Seventh Seal and a bootlegged copy of Hilda Does Bassano. Until you can offer a plausible explanation as to which one is art and which one is soft core porn you are not allowed to call any radio shows.

According to my sources the last time the Rough Riders were this successful this early in the season it was because Ron Lancaster was their QB. I have a dire warning: If the Rough Riders get anywhere near the Grey Cup a horrible rupture will occur in the Space/Time/Timbit continuum. And also the Leafs will win the Stanley Cup. Please recommend this post

Saturday's Nonsense Garden

The media in Edmonton is divided into three groups.

The first group is following the LPGA golfers around the Mayfair Golf & Country club desperately trying to get one of the golfers to say something nice about Edmonton. Beware of roving packs of people with microphones and a huge Chris Pronger shaped chip on their shoulders.

The second group is trying to figure out how to pronounce golfer Mhairi McKay's first name. The Scots Gaelic consonant Mh is pronounced like a V. airi is pronounced to rhyme with Starry not Mary. Farry, not Larry. How far is it? Its farry. Sometimes Scots names have pronunciation that seems weird to us. For example Menzies can be pronounced Mingus. Rhymes with Dingus. Maybe the Dingus ate your baby? The Scots were never happy about being colonized (rhymes with fallinized not rollinized) so they subverted the consonant system of the Empire. The British referred to this as anticonsonantationalism, which Scots consider derogatory, and mostly unpronounceable.

Or it could just be they had their own language before the English came along. How would I know? I'm not a trained lingust.

The third group is busy calling WTA #1 ranked Justine Henin Justine Henna. Henna?

The remainder of the Edmonton sports media is in Regina (rhymes with) covering the game between the Rough Riders and the Eskimos. Late in the second quarter the Eskimos are leading 21 to 10. The Eskimos are playing bizarrely and unexpectedly well. Bryan Hall sounds like a kid with ADHD. Yes, all looks well for the Titanic as it sails along majestically.

One hopes that Vicki Hall of the Edmonton Journal will not have to discuss package grabbing with A.J. Gass in the post game interviews. Please recommend this post

Donelons: Update

Some further info:

The Edmonton Journal's Obituary is here.

There is a guest book here.

The TD Canada Trust Bank is accepting donations for a trust account for Chelsea Donelon.

Please feel free to leave your comments by clicking on the link at the end of this item. Please recommend this post

Friday's 12 Random Songs

I loaded a whole bunch of new music on my player then put it on shuffle to get 12 random songs. The ghost in the machine blew smoke in my face and refused to randomly play any of the new tracks randomly. Once again I'm forced to use the word insouciant. It seems a bit insulting when a million electronic pulses can put their tiny little heads together and completely ignore your new stuff.

Friday night's 12 random songs:

1. Beatles - I Will

From the White Album. I had a girlfriend who insisted the White Album was made by Lynyrd Skynyrd. I'd say I know how you feel but its just not true.

Who knows how long you've hated me
I know you hate me still
Will you wait a angry lifetime
If you want me to shut up I will

2. Cowboy Junkies - I Saw Your Shoes

Margo sees her guy's shoes by the couch and it makes her romantic and a song ensues. Whenever I leave my shoes anywhere people glare at me.

3. Sophie B. Hawkins - The Night they Drove Old Dixie Down.

Cover of Robbie Robertson's classic.

4. Christopher Parkening - Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring.

Is it man's desire or man's desiring. I never argue with liner notes unless they've been translated through 9 languages. I've always liked this song more on guitar than on piano or organ. Parkening is a phenomenal guitar player.

5. Jenny Allen - Craven

One of my favourite local singer songwriters.

6. Monty Python - Finland

If you haven't heard it, the important lyrics are worth reflecting on:

Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I want to be
Pony trekking or camping
Or just watching TV
Finland, Finland, Finland
It's the country for me

You're so near to Russia
So far from Japan
Quite a long way from Cairo
Lots of miles from Vietnam

Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I want to be
Eating breakfast or dinner
Or snack lunch in the hall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all

7. Blondie - Will Anything Happen

Yes Deborah, something will happen. The 80's will end. Disco will die. You'll spend years in court fighting your backup singers over royalties. Then people like me will re-discover you because we're too cheap to buy new music.

8. Angelo Romero - Andante from Piano Concerto No 21.

Another great classical guitarist. This would be a great song to play at a wedding while everyone is sitting there waiting for the Bride to show up. It has a great sense of uncertainty and tension.

9. Los Lobos - That Train Don't Stop Here.

A break up song that rocks like crazy.

10. The Byrds - Paths of Victory

A cover of a Dylan song. Sort of in the tradition of an old southern spiritual or a union song.

11. Crash Test Dummies - I think I'll Disappear Now

Their songs are too deep for this time of night.

12. Bruce Cockburn - This is Baghdad

A sad lament about the current state of Iraq.



Your bonus track is this video about the Fates found on Youtube.





Unfortunately I have to sign off for now and go look for my pants. Please recommend this post

Tom and Gladys Donelon

Sad news from the Baptist Union of Western Canada website:

It is with great sadness that we share the tragic loss of Tom and Gladys Donelon to the Canadian Baptist family. Tom and Gladys, along with their daughter-in-law Wanda and their granddaughter Chelsea, were involved in a car accident in Alberta on Monday afternoon August 6th. Wanda was also killed and Chelsea is in a hospital in Edmonton with critical injuries.

Tom and Gladys served in Turkey with Canadian Baptist Ministries from 1982 until their retirement in November, 1992. They were faithful to their Lord and to their church, Braemar Baptist in Edmonton. They will be deeply missed.

Absolutely heartbreaking. I had the privilege of knowing Tom & Gladys when I lived in Edmonton and attended Braemar Baptist Church. They were the most selfless and dedicated people I have ever met.

I was always grateful for the kindness they always showed towards me even though I was probably the worst Christian ever. I am only one small voice among a large number of people who loved and respected them. Please recommend this post

Blogger Names Beaver Worst Magazine Ever

After conducting a thoroughly scientific poll this blogger has determined that the Beaver is Canada's worst history magazine. We confined our poll to history magazines because, a) Canada doesn't have a lot of them, allowing for easier data manipulation, and b) because MacLeans would have blown all the competition away.

There have been some rumors that a small group of zealots used technical legerdemain to manipulate the results. Regardless of how the totals came about it is a clear reflection of public opinion and thats all there is to it.

That was a pretty lame satire.

I was wondering if the Beaver allowed this survey to be hacked deliberately to create a controversy. It was predictable that flying monkeys would push Trudeau to the top of the list and that the Conservative leaning media (almost all of them) would parrot it out as the gospel truth. When seen as a publicity stunt it makes more sense because they published a more broader survey about worst Canadians that had a slightly better methodology.

Hat tip to CTV.ca for being the first to make a skeezy semantic connection between Trudeau and Clifford Olsen. Good job!

In the real study Trudeau does not make the list and Ralph Klein is listed as the worst Premier. I'll bet you don't read that story line anywhere, at least not in Albera.

These polls have a limited value and usually do not interest me that much. They are often heavily influenced by region and ideology. There are very few internet polls that cannot be manipulated.

I find myself asking why a political group would find the need to manipulate a poll. The childish desire to embarrass people you hate comes to mind. Or, perhaps people honestly believe that manipulated opinion is real opinion. Maybe they believe in the big lie theory, that if you repeat something loudly it becomes true.

Like the Beaver poll anything you read about Trudeau in the media, especially the Alberta media, is likely to heavily exaggerated and distorted. As a history magazine, the Beaver probably knows this.

I have a dirty little secret: I generally liked Trudeau. I liked a lot of things he did. Not all of it, but I don't hate Trudeau. I find Trudeau hatred irrational and childish. As a life long Albertan I've always had a hard time understanding the raw emotions that Trudeau evokes. There is something wrong here. It is disproportionate. It is impossible to have a rational conversation about the Trudeau era.

Incidentally, finishing second to Trudeau in the hacked survey was Chris Hannah, a punk rocker that I've never heard of until now. I thought I knew all the punk rockers in Canada. Punk rockers are not exactly known for their conformist conservative point of view.

How did a punk rocker end up finishing second to Trudeau. His Wikipedia bio explains it best:

They have taken an active stance against human rights violations, racism, homophobia, imperialism, fascism, and capitalism. The band supports the vegan lifestyle and animals rights campaigns.

I think I know who voted Hannah up the list. Please recommend this post

Edmonton Eskimos: Pfffft

July 27, 2007
Saskatchewan Rough Riders 54
Edmonton Eskimos 14

That is a difference of approximately 40 points.

7th most widely gaping loss ever. But not the most embarrassing road trip. That occurred when they pulled the team bus over, fired the Coach and kicked him off the bus.

I called the game correctly, although i feel awestruck by the sheer voluptuousness of that score. I know how that guy felt standing on the pier in Liverpool watching the Titanic pull out and saying to his friend, you know I think there's a bit of a design flaw there....

In Calgary the Schadenfreude was flowing like beer at Oktoberfest. In Edmonton it seemed like the message coming from the Sports columnists was look a monkey smoking a cigar!

Hey, here comes the coach, lets ask him a question.

Coach Maciocia, over here in the blog, quick question sir. How many turnovers did your team make in that horrible horrible loss?



Five! Holy Mother of God in a small dark Grotto! That's a whole lot of biscuit dropping. Thankfully we're covering the CFL and not organ transplanting.

Thanks sir, and I for one would be very disappointed if they fired you this week.


And, oh yeah, Calgary lost whereas I predicted they would win. The media in Calgary is trying to push the Stampeders to trade Henry Burris for Jason Maas. Good luck with that. The media is piling on Henry Burris the same way they've piled on every single talented player the Stampeders have ever had. It will end in the predicable manner.

So far this year my predictions are 2/4. Statistically, this is exactly the same as 4 monkeys pushing one of two buttons upon being electrocuted. Please recommend this post

Google Semantics Never Disappoint

Most websites use some type of software to analyze their traffic. I use the free version of sitemeter which gives me as much info as I need for now. There are days when it does'nt work very well because the technology on their end is maxed out or having outages. Also, I don't get any info if the visitor has Javascript turned off. But who can blame someone for turning off Javascript? But, like I said my site meter is free. Its sort of like a girlfriend/wife thing. If you don't buy the cow you can only have a bit of milk and no cream.

One of my favourite reports is seeing how visitors were directed (or misdirected) to the site. Sometimes they hit the site directly through a bookmark or by just typing in the url. Sometimes they come in from a link on another blogger's site. Frequently they are directed through the absolute madness of a search engine like Google. Yes, people type in various keywords or phrases and end up right here. From what I've been reading there is a low correlation between what they are looking for and the actual content.

We Canadians are mostly known for our meekness and our tendency to apologize. If you put 3 Canadians in a room and one of them farts the two non-farters will apologize for being present and making the farter feel uncomfortable. Its true. If you have the same scenario but with Americans one person will get sued and two others will never have children. In truth, I think Canadians' constantly apologizing is annoying and possibly pathological.

As a Canadian I feel I ought to be apologizing to people for the fact that Google is very poor with semantics and meta-data. It is impossible for Google to know about context or the varying meanings of a particular word. Supposedly the web is getting smarter with better emerging standards for information tagging.

Here are samples of some key word searches that people used to find this site in the last week:

sherwood park alberta sluts
daryl katz wife
chads pants
new arena in edmonton sketch drawing
edmonton oilers kates purchasing
"mark kingwell" pretentious
nose hill park gay
analysis of birth movie - nicole kidman
bill bixby provides photo that proves elvis is alive
watch movies alone, or don't watch them
insemination proces women videoclip
bush colonoscopy (multiple hits)
shame on me

I didn't include the searches regarding very very very dirty subject matters. Do other bloggers get search hits from people looking for very very very dirty filthy subject matters?

I've decided for this reason to strenuously avoid the use of the word slut in any blog post. So no more discussions of the Blacks. Please recommend this post

Alberta CFL Teams In Action

The Edmonton Eskimos are about to kick off against the Saskatchewan Rough Riders in Regina.

Prediction: The Eskimos will lose by at least one touchdown. Playing in 31 Degree heat in front of 30 thousand hostile trailer park boys will be insurmountable. They're probably peeing their pants right now.

Tonight the Calgary Stampeders will play the BC Lions.

Prediction: Is pains me to call it thus, but Calgary will win by less than a touch down.

Last week, I was 1/2. Please recommend this post

Stupid News Story (Blogging Cliche)

I often wonder how couples make decisions about their everyday busy lives.

Earlier that morning...

She: Honey, I'm dropping the baby off at gran and gramps this afternoon.
He: Really...
She: What? Whats wrong?
He: Sweets, your parents are imbeciles.
She: Don't talk about my parents like that. Anyway I told you I was going to check out that Pilates class.
He: Pilates? Wasn't he the guy who killed Jesus?
She: Damn you're stupid. Anyway, this dialog has gotten way off track and that blogger is glaring at us because he wants to finish his story.

Thanks folks. So anyway, the gran and gramps get this idea to put the one year old out on the deck...

Gran: I'm going to put little mr poopy pants out on the deck to air out a bit.
Gramps: Don't we have rattle snakes around here?
Gran: Um, yeah. But we also have a Chihuahua.
Gramps: Yes. I forgot. Did you take all your meds today?
Gran: Sweets I think that blogger fellow wants to continue on with the rest of his story.
Gramps: Well he looks mighty queer to me.
Gran: Shush he can hear you.

Thanks folks. Anyhow, the baby is just sitting there and a rattle snake shows up and gets all offensive based on some pretty predictable if not obscure evolutionary mechanisms.

The Chihuahua saves the baby by leaping in front the striking snake and taking one for the team. The dog nearly dies but pulls through courageously. Unfortunately, given the dogs brain size and inadequate memory he'll probably try the same thing next week.

Meanwhile, intelligent design takes a major hit. God shuffles his feet realizing that the snake took several billion years to evolve to the point where it could efficiently kill a toddler but doesn't really knows why.

This is not a very funny story if you're a parent (or a dog) but you have to admit it is pretty funny the way the media is turning the dog into a hero rather than calling child welfare services. After an extensive investigation it was determined that the Grand Parents had all the right bumper stickers.

Chihuahuas have very very tiny brains. They don't play chess. Its likely that the dog's response was based on something as equally primitive and screwed up as the snakes need to rid the neighborhood of babies. Attributing courage to the dog is like...well I don't even have a simile because it is so stupid.

Thus, the dog will need to find someone on its vacancy level to help tell its side of the story. Welcome to Larry King Live, I'm here with a very brave little dog...

Had the dog any degree of evolved intelligence whatsoever it would have looked at the situation and thought, you know what, I think I'll just let you two work this out..

And don't send me any stories of your dog dialing 911 that time when you had too many Red Bulls. When Timmy fell down the Well and the Dog started barking, that was a TV show. In real life the dog would have just sat there and licked his balls.

For leaving your grandson alone with a Rattle Snake, defended only by the least evolved breed of dogs ever you win the Five Of Five Feculant Thumb Award. Please recommend this post

The Decal War of Convenience - Part 1

This evening Calgary City council voted down a proposal to place Support Our Troops decals on city vehicles. The vote was 11-4.

I thought about it last week and decided that I was opposed to the proposal for a number of reasons. While I was pleased that they were sensible enough to see through this pro-war nonsense, at the same time it is unfortunate that the debate and its tone can end up sending the wrong message.

Support Our Troops is a political slogan invented by the Republicans in the United States and co-opted by Canadian Conservatives not long after Canada's New Government was elected.

Like all political language, as George Orwell pointed out, the meaning is not literal. Support Our Troops is a euphemism for supporting Mr. Harper and his pro-warfare policies. Deceptive language is used to confuse people and get them to buy into things without having to explain all the details.

This type of political language is also intended to divide people into good vs. evil factions, based on a delusional sense of self-righteousness. If you don't agree with the slogan, you will likely end up being accused of many things. We know from the American experience with the Iraq war that people who did not support the war were accused of bizarre things, such as supporting terrorism. To me this is a reprehensible thing to do to a fellow citizen.

I think you would have a hard time finding a Canadian who does not believe in the literal premise of supporting the troops. What does supporting our troops literally mean when you strip away the brain dead jingoism.

In my opinion, it means:

1. Providing them with the skills and equipment they need to do their jobs safely.
2. Providing them with a proper salary so their families don't have to live in rat traps or use food banks.
3. Support their families while they are on mission.
4. If a soldier should be killed in action provide proper death benefits.
5. Providing proper health care to injured soldiers.
6. Providing proper pensions and health care to veterans. Don't make an 80 year old spend years in court suing the Government for an entitlement.
7. Not putting soldiers in harms way merely because you as a politician believe in an outdated notion of the glory of war, or because you think an agressive war posture will get you more votes.

You could easily argue that our Government has failed on any number of the above requirements. And you could also argue that pushing decals with slogans does nothing to actually help the troops.

The City Council's compromise was to allow the sale of the decals in City Of Calgary facilites. And yes, I know that the proceeds of those sales go to a well know charity that helps military families. And yes, I agree with this compromise.

However, I'd like Canada's New Government to explain why military families have to be supported by private charity while Mr Harper's supporters and the frat-boy tabloids lecture the rest of us with bumper sticker slogans. Apparently they don't support the troops, at least not literally.

It seems ironic that many of our war dead gave their lives because of a threat to our basic freedoms, the most basic of which is the freedom of opinion. Something to think about the next time the Calgary Sun tells us all how we have to think about our troops and Harpers war. Please recommend this post

Friday Night Moral Dilemma

Friday night dilemma: to watch the Edmonton Eskimos play the Saskatchewan Rough Riders. Boooooooring. Or, to drink the last ounce or so the Dom B&B Liqueur that my neighbour gave me. Actually I gave it to my neighbour for Christmas. He drank almost all of it until his wife found out he had it. Then he gave it back to me with an ounce or two in the bottom. There must be a term for this type of thing. Post-consumptive regifting?

I don't really drink so I may top it up with water and give it to the neighbour on the other side. No, really it's supposed to be weak like that. Its the French, everything they do is understated. His wife is a hoity toity Liberal. She'll understand.

I'm picking the Eskimos over the Riders, but not by much. Less than 1 TD. It will be the Esks 15 minutes of fame this season, and then *poof*. During the Eskimos game I plan on walking around in my underwear and imitating Bryan Hall. Like you have something better to do on a Friday Night.

Tomorrow the Stampeders play the Argonauts here in Calgary. There is no amount of hooch that could get me to sit through that one. Prediction: Calgary loses causing a media firestorm of Biblical proportion. Blood bath.

How will the CFL Western Division finish up you ask?

1. BC
2. Saskatchewan
3. Edmonton
4. Calgary

I'm currently very busy setting up the equipment required to do live coverage of President Bush's Colonoscopy. Or Tom Higgins' decapitation which ever comes first. Please recommend this post

Future Cabinet Minister

The AP is having a particularly slow day:

MENOMONIE, Wis. (AP) - Debbie Hulleman's pet dog Pepper likes to chew things.

She's gnawed on lipstick canisters, shampoo bottles, ball point pens, toothpaste and now the list includes nearly US$750 in cash - gobbled right down.

Usually you need an MBA in order to turn cash into dog shit.

Its a stupid story, but wholly redeemed by my excellent punch line.

And yes, the story goes on to explain how they recovered the money in the back yard. Sorry to spoil. Please recommend this post

Edmonton Oilers For Sale?

A local Edmonton billionare is trying to purchase the Edmonton Oilers, according to both TSN and The Edmonton Journal. Daryl Katz tried to purchase the team several months ago but the Edmonton Investors Group did not vote on the offer because the Board did not consider the team up for sale.

The ownership structure in Edmonton is quite different than in many other NHL cities. The Edmonton Investors Group has about 7700 voting shares distributed unevenly among around 30-35 investors. A small board of directors runs the day to day operations of the group. Since forming there have been some natural conflicts and politics and I suspect Katz is succeeding in dividing the shareholders into factions.

According to the Journal, the share holders will vote on the offer in August. A two thirds majority would be required for the sale to be approved. But, I would be cautious about believing anything you read about the Oilers in the Journal.

This is the third time that Katz has made an offer. The previous offers were in the $155m dollar range. The current offer is $175m, along with a hint that he might build a new arena. The Oilers facility is in rapid decline and like the Saddledome will need to be replaced sooner than later. I think the offer is well over the market value, but whats 25m give or take. I wonder why Katz is so desperate to own the team.

The offer was made directly to the share holders rather than to the Board of directors because the Board is not interested in selling. It is clearly an attempt to leverage the dissatisfaction of some of the share holders with regards to the way the team is being run.

I'm not really clear if this strategy will work or not, and it is anyone's guess whether the shareholders will vote to sell. It is possible the Board of Directors has some kind of strategy that could prevent the sale. Perhaps a corporate version of the neutral zone trap.

I'm just guessing, but I think most Oiler fans would prefer group ownership rather than one billionare owner. The memories of Peter Pocklington very nearly killing or relocating the Oilers is still fresh in everyone's mind.

Maybe if they sell they can bring in a fresh management team into the front office, but don't get me started on that topic. This controversy is the last thing the Oilers need heading into the next season with a questionable team and a fragile morale.

In unrelated Oilers news, family members and at least one complete stranger are recommending that I toss out my Oilers shirt, pictured below:



I refuse. Some clothing is sacred regardless of having holes or tears. My Mother suggests that she did'nt bring me up to wear stuff like that. I didn't have a comeback so I told her my sister was checking into rehab. Please recommend this post

New Music Acquired

I have it in my my greasy palms right now:

Its so sweet to listen to. I'm sweating and grabbing my collar a lot, like Rodney Dangerfield. Please recommend this post

Always Watch Movies Alone

We sent J to the video store to pick up a movie or two. She came back with The Painted Veil starring Naomi Watts and Edward Norton and For Your Consideration starring Catherine O'Hara, Eugene Levi, Harry Shearer and the rest of the Christopher Guest repertory.

For Your Consideration is the latest in a series of unrelated mockumentary style movies, including Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show and A Mighty Wind.

I think I had suggested we wait for the teenager to come home from her "job" and then send her to the video store. The last time she went we ended up with The Exorcist and John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness. Satan was the butt of all jokes for the remainder of the weekend. Which is probably why I tripped and fell on the pavement scraping my knees and elbows.

In the other room, for some reason Clam Bake was playing on the computer but no one was watching. One definition of mental illness is wishing Elvis had stuck to music instead of acting in B-Movies, while at the same time wishing Elvis had stuck to acting in B-Movies instead of making music. Just so you know, an Elvis movie playing on a computer is not a high point in Computer Science.

There was only one baked Clam in that movie: Shelley Fabares. She had two #1 hits in the early 60's. I'll bet you can't name them. I can't. The Clam Bake plot was lifted right out of Shakespeare. A rich dude wonders if chicks will like him if he's just an ordinary guy. So he trades identities with another dude, played by Bill Bixby. The sad thing about Bill Bixby, aside from dying from Cancer long before his time, was the fact that right up until his death he believed that Elvis Presley was alive. Clam Bake also has an unintelligle sub-plot involving Shriners and weird pajamas. The moral of the story is: artists who suck in one genre have a reasonably good chance of successfully sucking in another genre.

What would have been really cool is if they made the Exorcist a musical, starring Elvis Presley as a singing Priest. Singing, dancing, singing, exorcising. Speedboats...By merging the plots of Clam Bake and the Exorcist you could have made one decent movie. I'm still waiting to be discovered as a writer/producer.

Painted Veil went into the player first and after about ten minutes it was replaced with For Your Consideration due to heckling. The Painted Veil was still playing its opening credits 10 minutes in. It was moving slower than a Calgary Stampede Chuckwagon race horse death investigation. Later when reading the IMDB screech about Painted Veil one could not but notice that the credits had twenty different child actors cited as "Singing Orphan". If things get so bad in a movie that you have to pull out the singing orphans you mights as well get Elvis baking clams.

For Your Consideration was funny, but not as funny as the three previous movies in the series. Best in Show was one of the funniest movies I've seen in a long time. Not everyone likes this type of humor because it is subtle and understated. Fairly black and sarcastic. By black humour I mean humour that makes fun of the tragedy of life, and not cheap shot humor about Bidets.

For Your Consideration also lifted a thing or two from Shakespeare. The idea of making a movie about people making a movie is self-mockery at its best. Shakespeare frequently mocked actors and writers by having plays within the play. Rumor is that Eugene Levi and Christopher Guest don't want to make another Mockumentary. Perhaps the schtick has run its course. Even if they stop now they'll have four very funny movies. Please recommend this post

Thursday Night Mr. Cranky Pants

A Calgary couple will not have their case heard at the Supreme Court of Canada. The woman became pregnant through artificial insemination. The male partner did not want to raise or pay for a child so they came up with this idea that they would sign a contract releasing the male partner from all parental responsibilities. The Alberta Court of Appeal ruled they could not do that in light of Alberta's Family law.

The reasoning of the various courts centre on the simple idea that if the man and woman are living together in a common law relationship, then there is a reasonable expectation that they will both assume responsibility for the child's well being. As it is can you imagine what it would be like to be that child as you grow up, finding out that your mother's partner did not want to be your father. I would play dumb for a few years then one day just out of the blue let him have it right in the balls. Then I'd hire Eddy Greenspan.

Regardless, such a contract would likely never ever be enforceable. What's the big deal anyway. You live in this house in this relationship, take care of the damn baby.

I don't know what people are thinking when they come up with this stuff. I would bet that they have a typed up written agenda before they make out. Do not get me started down that parody road.

I have no interest in what James Dobson, Dr. Laura or the Federal Conservative caucus thinks about this issue - they can all go suck a big fat pickled egg. My crankiness about this story is based purely on common sense, secular humanism, perhaps even the theory of evolution.

Years from now the amorphous blob of a non-parent will be lying on the floor stroking out. He'll drool out something about calling 911. An insouciant teenager will reply that unfortunately legal agreements prevent him from participating in emergency interventions for non-family members. The Beatles Love,Love,Love will be blaring on the radio in the background. It will be like the last episode of the Sopranos. Sort of a weird ambiguous ending with shady looking men milling clutching legal pads.

Only in Calgary. Please recommend this post

One More Crumb

Please recommend this post

Lord Black, Toilets and Sluts

I have payed little attention to Lord Black's trial. It does not really interest me that much. I don't feel sorry for David Radler, the board, or the Hollinger Shareholders. And honestly, I have no idea if Black is guilty of any crime. I commented to a friend that I hoped he would get a fair trial and my friend said, F* that, I hope he goes down. I replied that our system can only really work if even the most obnoxious creeps among us can be treated fairly. He stared dully at me and said why? I replied that because otherwise stupid people like you will end up in jail for something you didn't do. He didn't like that much.

Anyway, two things in the trial caught my attention:

Exhibit A:

One day, while riding the court house elevator Barbara Amiel-Black called several members of the press sluts. Presumably she was angry that the media was writing about the husband and his woes in a manner she disapproved of. Its always the same with self-adoring people. Everyone is out to get them because of envy (which I would remind you is also a Cardinal Sin). It is sad to realize that someone is too dumb to realize that their childish outburst is really a self-condemnation.

When you think about it, twenty or so years of Amiel's dark yellow journalism can be summed up in that one outburst. Every single column could be summed up: you are all sluts.

I can't think of one pleasant idea that emanated from that mass of slimy semi-gelatinous overcooked ichiban-noodlish mush that was planted between her ears by some malevolent alien force...(editor: woah dude, over.the.top) A journalist who has always been noticeably lacking in any kind of class, kindness or logic, now calls her peers sluts and expects empathy.

Exhibit B:

The prosecution brought up the fact that Black's New York condo, payed for by the Corporation, was noted to have a bidet. This fact is fairly pointless. It is not illegal to own a bidet or for a corporation to purchase a bidet for its Chief Executive. The mention of the bidet was probably intended to reinforce the idea that his highness is not one of us and needs to be brought down. How better to do that than to reference exotic European toilet habits. The hard working people of Chicago would no doubt look down on a man who dresses up as a toy soldier and squats over a porcelain ass sprinkler. In shorthand: hey look, a Frenchman.

If I could have one present for my birthday, it would be this: the CBC interviews Henry Kissinger and asks him how buying Lord Black a bidet made Hollinger Shares worth more. But alas, Dr. K. apparently won't do any more interviews with the CBC because they kept asking him whether he is a war criminal.

I actually think the jury people will see through the bidet shame and ignore it. But if they don't I won't cry. It would be sad if our toilet gadgets became one more thing to divide is into factions.

Some useful background information:

The bidet was apparently invented by the French Royal Family. Just before they were decapitated by the first generation of French Liberals. The word itself could have many origins, but mostly likely evolves from the French verbs trot or straddle. As Steve Martin observed, those French have a different word for everything.

The Japanese, obsessed as they are with toilet recreation, have invented the first bidet with a built in blow dryer. This far exceeds the Japaneses' last greatest invention: the toilet that emanates fake flushing noises so as to hide the real sounds. Which also might be useful as a portable device, to be used should you find yourself in an elevator with Barbara.



June 21, 2007
Calgary, Alberta Please recommend this post

Crumb versus Java

I was just sitting here minding my own business trying to read a textbook on Java. Riveting stuff. Although I enjoy technical writing I'd hate to have to write a complete textbook on a programming language. I would not be able to suppress my sarcasm and my metaphors would probably be inappropriate. Metaphors are very important in technical explanations. For example sometimes in software design theory we refer to two software pieces that are tightly coupled. Imagine the metaphors.

Anyway, I suddenly noticed that someone left a copy of a Robert Crumb Sketch book (Volume 10) on the chair next to me. You might not know this Artist's name but if you were around in the 60's or 70's you probably would recognize one of his cartoons or posters. He is probably most famous for the various versions of Keep on Trucking.

When I was 12 or 15 (I can't remember) I had two kinds of friends. One type had Crumb's Keep on Trucking poster on their wall. The other had that stupid Farrah Fawcet poster.

My favourite Crumb poster is the cover he created for the Cheap Thrills Album around 1968:

Robert Crumb met Janice Joplin in 1960's San Francisco. They became friends and she asked him to do the Album Cover. Crumb was paid a one time fee of $6,000.00 and Columbia Records ended up owning the rights to the drawing. I believe Crumb eventually got the rights back, but much later. When Janis Joplin heard that Crumb had lost the rights to the work she immediately fell over and died.

(Editor: Oh come on, that's really mean.)

And not all that funny.

The Crumb sketch books are unstructured and have no narrative. They're sketch books. There are previously unpublished doodles, out-takes, and works in progress. This shows an interesting side of the artistic process, that it can be iterative and repetitive. Occasionally he writes self-deprecating comments in the sidebar. Why can I never draw a chair properly?

Other Crumb notables include Natural Man - an old man in a flowing robe with a long white beard who strides along with his elbows flying around like he's Chris Pronger. Then there are all the Hell's Angels, pictured on ridiculously tricked out bikes, the odd one with a big cyclops eye.

There are a lot of drawings of women. Mostly the women are wearing hot pants, drawn with their backs to the artist, and always looking saucily over their shoulder. Always, they have very large butts. That was just his thing.

Rumours have always persisted that the FBI watched Crumb because his Comics were considered politically subversive and anti-America. Thankfully they were. If our society does collapse I would squarely blame Robert Crumb, John Lennon and Mad Magazine just for starters. I have more on my list and I'm watching you all.

Calgary, Alberta
20 June 2007

Please recommend this post

12 songs on a may morning

I was riding my bike into downtown this morning and thinking how bizarre the combination of tunes that were on my player. I was thinking about posting the play list as is my occasional habit. But there was this dude walking his dog with a 30ft leash on the busiest commuting bike path in the city. He was insouciantly sauntering along while doggy ran back and forth across the path. Bikers and bladers were veering off the path or hitting their brakes to avoid being clothes-lined by the leash.

Anyway, dude, if you're out there, I still think you're an idiot. And I'm sorry if you did'nt hear my whole comment. I was in a hurry.

And doggy: your master is stupid. Feel free to come and live with me. Slip out the back jack.

Anyway, that irritated me. So I'm not going to publish the titles or performers of the tracks. Just the lyrics. If you guess them all without googling, you can problably win something.

My brother-in-law would probably find this easy because he knows the lyrics to every song ever written. But probably not his daughter, because she only knows Jazz.

#1

Go to sleep my darling
Lay down upon your bed
May the rhymes of childhood songs
Dance inside your head
When night time falls around you
I know that you're afraid
But the heart will bring you home again

#2

The birds are singing in your eyes today
Sweet flowers blossom in your smile
The wind and sun are in the words you say
Where might your lonesome lover be?

#3

We asked for signs
the signs were sent:
the birth betrayed
the marriage spent
Yeah the widowhood
of every government --
signs for all to see.

#4

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I "something something" the "something something"

#5

Yonder come miss rosie, how in the world did you know?
By the way she wears her apron, and the clothes she wore.
Umbrella on her shoulder, piece of paper in her hand;
She come to see the govnor, she wants to free her man.

#6

So I went running down a list of things
some were real, but on some of them I lied
'cause I felt I had to justify each breath that I'd been breathing in this life
Then I realized I was playing into someone else's rules,
trying to keep my score up in a game I did not choose
Then I looked that ghost straight in the eye
and said "You'd better not be coming back by again"

#7

O shepherds, shrink not with afright,
But hear the angel's warning.
This child, now weak in infancy,
Our confidence and joy shall be,
The power of Satan breaking,
Our peace eternal making.

#8

You say you got a real solution
Well you know
we'd all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well you know
We're doing what we can

#9

and i didn't know i was the ride
i didn't realize i'm sorry
didn't know i was the ride
i didn't know myself

#10

although your world wonders me,
with your majestic and superior cackling hen
your people i do not understand,
so to you i shall put an end
and you'll
never hear
surf music again

#11

Took a walk down the street
Thru the heat whispered trees
I thought I could hear (hear, hear, hear)
Somebody call out my name as it started to rain
Two spirits dancing so strange

#12

ruth-anne and lynn come from baxter springs
thats one hell-raisin town way down in
southeastern kansas
got a biker bar next to the lingerie store
thats got rollin stones lips up there in
bright pink neon
and they're right downtown where everyone can see em
and they burn all night
you know they burn all night
they burn all night

Please recommend this post

Word of the Month

The word of the month in our little place is insouciance. Just because it has French roots does not mean it is dirty. It just means the quality of being insouciant. Recursive definition no? Try this: indifference or a lack of concern.

I think it was Voltaire who referred to New France (Quebec) as a few acres of snow. King Louis must have been impressed by such insouciance toward the new world.

The runner up was another French word ennui. Which conveys extreme weariness or discontent. I hear ennui in Mr. Harper's voice every time I hear a clip of him speaking. He's not a very happy man. Probably a little insouciance at home.

Those French have a word for every emotional shade you can think of. And don't get me started on Sangfroid.

I'm willing to give out a suitably prestigious award to anyone who can use the words insouciance and ennui in one coherent sentence. Please recommend this post

Blogging Topics of the Future

The blogging future is before us my insouciant little friends.
Suggested topics.

How to get kicked off a blogroll, free speech.
Stephen Harper vs Stephane Dion.
Tippi Hedrin.
That horrible movie The Secret.
Anna Nicole Smith vs. Ryan Smyth.
Global Warning or Global Warming or Global Warring.
Easter. (Or, Don't Touch My VCR).
My Niece gets her braces off, gets a piercing and thinks she's soooo cool.
Jesus, Mary and their Baby lived in France. Its a fact.
How did all that ink get on my forehead.
Tippi Hedrin
Other miscelaneous crap. Please recommend this post

Life Insurance Salesmen

Please recommend this post

The Traditional Definition of Shame

My neighbour has porno magazines all over the back seat of his car. I noticed it last week when I was getting out of my car because they park next to me on my driver's side. I've been obsessing about it because I find his insouciance is upsetting. And its not even classy porn like Playboy, but the lower end of the filth spectrum. Not that any porn is classy but you know what I mean. Let's just say that those woman are never going to have a Federal Judge rule over where they get buried.

I always see this dude or his wife in the parking lot. They're usually nicely dressed and always say hi to me. On Saturday I came home the same time the wife did. I got out of my truck while she was getting some packages out of the back seat. She said hi to me and asked me how I was. My mind raced 90 miles an hour. It was -15 and sweat spurted out of my forehead. She had put her shopping bags right on top of the porno mags. Nonchalantly. Defiantly even. I stammered that I was fine and ran into the house.

I had a flashback to grade 5. Me and two friends had a stack of playboy mags that we traded around. Although now that I think about it I'm not sure I ever got them. My friend was deathly afraid that one of our parents would find and confiscate them so he had a long list of hiding techniques and rules.

My other friend, after many months of pleading, finally got his turn to take the stash home. He hid them very carefully and cleverly in his bedroom following our other friends detailed instructions. Within a day his mother found every single one of them.

She never said a word but stacked them all up nicely and orderly on his night table, in descending date order. My friend freaked out called me over. I rolled around on the floor and could'nt stop laughing until I almost threw up. He hid them again. The next day, same thing. Big pile of neatly stacked date sorted porno.

We never really knew whether she just did'nt care or did'nt bother to look at the covers. His dad never said anything either. I've never seen anyone so scared in my entire life.

The other friend went on to become a civil servant. I often think of him handing a manilla folder to somebody important, which is supposed to contain a study of wolverine migration patterns in north western b.c. but instead contains a well thumbed copy of TRIPLE-D!.

Is that what the world has come to? People now leave their sleazy porno lying around anywhere without the slightest bit of shame. I'll never be able to have a normal conversation my neighbours again. Please recommend this post

Happy Valentines Day

I hope things work out for you two. Please recommend this post

Yes, But They Still Lost

A few nights ago the Edmonton Oilers played the Dallas Stars. There was a bizarre ending to the game. Watching the video clip explains it better than I can. The reason I found this event interesting is the way it was covered in the media. I submit the following points for your consideration:

1. All the blame was directed to Patrik Stefan a young Czech player who missed the shot, and not to the Oiler's defenceman who gave away the puck in his own end. I could'nt find even one article that mentioned the name of the Oiler's player who made the original mistake.
2. Patrik Stefan is actually a pretty good player. Maybe a better player than the Oilers defenceman who gave up the puck . Only a few hockey writers mentioned that Stefan was drafted fairly high. Higher even than Vancouver's Olsen twins.
3. The pointless comparisons to Steve Smith scoring on his own net in the 1986 playoffs came fast and furious. That was tragic. This was amusing.
4. Regardless of what last minute heroics the Oilers pull out they were playing Dallas, and Dallas must beat the Oilers. It has to be this way so the delicate yin/yang balance of the Universe is not upset. The sooner Oilers fans realize and accept this the more docile they will become. All that screaming is very unseemly.
5. Nobody gives the Oilers fans any credit for their belief right up until the last second that somehow the Oilers will win. If this had happened in Calgary their fans would have already left and it would'nt have made the news.
6. The announcer on the video clip seemed a bit drama queeny to me.

See, I can write Sports topics just as well as anyone. How hard could it be?

Please recommend this post

Christmas, Numerically Speaking

I went to Edmonton for Christmas and had a fairly good time. The facts below speak for themselves:

Number of toilets I heroically unplugged on Christmas day: 1

Number of family stories I heard at Christmas Eve dinner that involved electrocution, house fires, near drowning, and putting dentures into the recently deceased: 5

Number of family members missing for Christmas dinner: 4

Number of times my niece told me to shut up: 5

Number of times I got beat at foosball: 4

Number of times someone asked me when when I was going home: 3

Number of people at the dinner table wearing dumb-ass hats from South America: 1

Number of different plans I heard about the route the Christmas day foul was taking from Canmore, Alberta to Sherwood Park, Alberta: 5

Number of phone calls I fielded about the location and eta of the Christmas day foul: 3

Number of times the front desk of my hotel phoned me on boxing day morning to ask me dumb questions: 4. I waited until they were really busy then phoned them and asked them if there was a guy in the lobby with a blue toque. Then I phoned back and said, sorry, I meant red. A "toque" is a Canadianism for a winter hat made of wool.

Number of years in a row I have asked politely for a Pony: 40

Number of Ponies I have received for Christmas: 0

Number of times at dinner that I was telling somebody something that I thought was pretty important only to find out they were'nt even remotely listening: 5
(Try this: "blah blah blah i'm building a nuclear bomb blah blah blah")

Number of people at Christmas Dinner: 17

Average age at Christmas Dinner: 36.9375. This suggests a proposed generic parental response: Shut up, you're well below the mean.

Weirdest Christmas Scene: Driving down Whyte Avenue late on Christmas Eve three guys were trying to haul a shopping cart full of pop bottles across the train tracks on 103st. Poverty never takes a day off.

Prettiest Christmas Scene: Driving past the refineries on the way back from Sherwood Park. All the refineries were lit and there was a full moon. You can see all the lights from Edmonton from baseline road.

Best Kept Christmas Secret: I accidentally brought home an unopened gift from Grandma to my Niece. I know what it is. Who knows how long I'll hang on to it.

Worst Christmas Movie I was forced to Watch: This year its a tie. 1) That stupid movie A Christmas Story with that stupid little kid named Ralphie with the big round glasses. Kids can't act. Horrible movie. 2) Ghost. No idea what this horrible horrible horrible movie has to do with Christmas but its a horrible movie. For some reasons several stations ran it over and over again on the 24th and 25th. What's the moral in this movie anyway? You die and you get to make out with Demi Moore? The only way you could have even remotely saved this movie would have been to dump Swayze and put Pacino in that role. Pacino as an angry dead guy who makes out with Demi Moore - think about it.

Weirdest Christmas Conversation with a Stranger: Talking with a dude at Canadian Tire about the merits of the various plungers they had for sale. Please recommend this post

Irony Non Pareil

And then one reads the CNN lead story:

HANOI, Vietnam (AP) -- U.S. President George W. Bush opened a visit Friday to the wartime capital of this once-divided country, a trip that is stirring inevitable comparisons between the unpopular war in Iraq and the divisive conflict fought and lost in Vietnam more than three decades ago.

I guess its better late than never.

I hope he gets heckled. Hey asshole, we coulda used your help in 1970...

To me its not the comparison between Iraq and Vietnam that is interesting - important as that is. It is the difference between Vietnamese and American soldiers who lost their lives, minds or limbs and the Golden Boy who cruised around Arkansas looking for cheap beer.

Or, the difference between the American Vets who tossed their Purple Heart Medals in a river because no one would listen to their horror stories and the Golden Boy who pranced around in a flight suit with a sock stuffed in his pants.

Mr. Furious is going to bed now. He has a full day of outrage tomorrow. Please recommend this post

O.J. Bludgeoned: Here's How

I was just sitting around thinking what it would take to make me more depressed and disaffected than I already am when I read about Rona Ambrose acting like a 4 year old in front of the whole world. At first I thought, this whole Global Warming issue is being so mishandled by our government that I would rather tell someone I'm from Kazakastan rather than Canada. And then I realized I liked being a Canadian, I was really just embarassed that Rona Ambrose was a Canadian. Whole lotta realizing going on there. Maybe its just as well. I hate the science fetish our society has. Proof this. Logic that. Pfft. The earth has survived for 6000 years, its pretty tough.

Then I read about O.J. Simpson. Desperate to get back in the news and probably short on cash:

In a bizarre move his publisher says amounts to a confession, O.J. Simpson has written a book that speculates how, hypothetically, he could have killed his ex-wife and her friend.

I almost frikkin cried when I read that. It makes slowly going blind seem cruel. Is this man even human? You wonder to what extent people like O.J. will go to hurt their families even more than they (allegedly) already have. I think he's sociopathic to the core.

Supposing that someone snuck into O.J.'s house and bludgeoned him with a stuffed Manatee, which is an illegal thing to have by the way. I'd like to write a book about that explaining how, theoretically, I would do it if, theoretically, I was the one with the Manatee bludgeoning. I won't be in Florida next week. Not at all.

For example, someone could, theoretically, strap O.J. to the roof of my/their Blue Ford and cruise up and down a major freeway. I'd have a big sign that said, If you want my ideas on how a former NFL star could be bludgeoned and tied to the roof of a car please buy my book on how I think it might have gone down. The book would have uncanny, eye-brow raising detail.


Maybe when Canada is at the bottom of the list of environmentally responsible nations, Rona Ambrose can write a book that explains how, if one were to destroy the environment, here's a few thoughts on how it might be done.

Disclaimers: Not advocating bludgeoning. All suspects are entitled to a fair defense. Offer void in Quebec and Maine. No Manatees were harmed during this post.
Please recommend this post

Taxpayer Funded Bird Flipping

I just got the finger from a City of Calgary Employee driving a City of Calgary vehicle. I suspect I was'nt driving quite the way he preferred. I'm glad the City of Calgary workers are prying themselves away from doing undercover reconaissance on the homeless peeing and spitting with malice aforethought

I'm feeling pretty disillusioned today. About the only thing that could make it worse would be if Jason Kenney did something stupid to get into the news. Please recommend this post

Photo Blogging Sucks

A few pictures from around Calgary.

The Camera: Pentax K1000. Fully manual Analog. Vintage 1970's technology. The Film: Kodak Black & White ASA-400. The captions are underneath each photo.

This is Confederation Park a few days ago after the first snow dump of the year.

This is the blurry view out of my office. The last office was on the 26th floor facing the mountains. Was is something I said?

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to yooooo
You look like a rocker
And your dad does too.
Alternate ending: And you smell like one too.

This is a little parking lot behind the Dinning Campaign headquarters. The sky was really vivid and weird looking but this film does'nt have enought contrast to bring it out properly. Note that the parking lot is mostly empty. Am I the only person in Calgary who works until 5? Please recommend this post

Belated Halloween Tips

I've been around the block a few times with this Halloween thing, so I thought I'd offer a few suggestions to make things go a little smoother:


1. If you knock on someone's door and a toothless old hag answers and starts pronouncing all kinds of satanic curses on you don't take it too seriously. Just say, 'Thank you Mrs. Dinning, have a nice evening.' and move on.

2. If you bite into an apple and there's a razor blade in it don't go running to your mother. Remember, she told you not to come running to her if you bit into an apple with a razor blade. Go directly to the nearest emergency ward and line up with all the other retards. While you're waiting 12,24 or 48 hours to have the razor blade removed from your mouth, you might be tempted to ask your parents a smart ass question about why they voted for Ralph Klein, but you won't be able to because you have a razor blade stuck in your mouth.

3. Don't wear your halloween mask if you go into a convenience store. Under Mr. Harper's new tough anti-crime bill a convenience store clerk can now shoot you dead if you're wearing a mask. As an additional burden, you now have reverse onus to prove that you should'nt have been shot dead.

4. If you have a religious experience of any kind its probably just some Ecstasy that's in your candy. It does'nt mean your profound or deep or anything. The Jesus you see is'nt real and does'nt love you.

5. If you are carving out a pumpkin and you find yourself getting a little too jabby-jabby with the knife and then just out of the blue you shout out someone's name, please Orenthal, get some help. This is not a good sign.

6. If you're one of those lucky children who get to trick-or-treat at the Prime Minister's house plan your schtick ahead of time. If the Prime Minister asks you about your costume, a witty reply will be appreciated. Something like...Well quite frankly this is the costume that the people of Canada have frankly been asking for. Frankly the Liberals had 13 years to help me with this costume and frankly did nothing. Either you like this costume, or you're against Halloween and Children. Frankly its that simple. Candy please.

7. Remember, dressing up in a weird costume and asking strangers for candy is just another way of preparing you for the rest of your life as an employee. So is stealing candy from another kid.

8. A lot of couples met at Halloween parties. Its also a good time to break up. Just think of badly you could scar someone if you were dressed up as a disney character and you told them you did'nt want to see them anymore.

9. If you come home after trick-or-treating and your parents have had a bit of drink and they 're arguing, it is the only time you can tell them to shut the f* up, because you're cute in your costume. Give it a try, you'll see I'm right. Please recommend this post

Friday Night Weird Dream Blogging

There are a lot of stupid things on the internet. Ranking near the top is Friday Night Cat Blogging. I am proposing a new tradition. On friday nights bloggers everywhere should post the details of their last weird dream. Stupid pictures of stupid cats are out. Weird dreams are in. Feel free to leave a brief synopsis of your last weird dream in the comments to this post. But its my blog, so I get to go first.

Okay, here is the inaugural Friday Night Weird Dream Post:

I'm watching this Star Trek espisode, and then I find myself in the middle of the episode. Some aliens have taken on human bodies but they are having problems getting the bodies to work properly. They are bitching a lot but I keep telling them I don't really want to know the specifics of what's wrong. Kirk and Spock are just sort of lolling around like they are stoned not really doing anything. One of the aliens tells me they have to get the bodies working because they have a convention to go to in a couple of days. At some point Kirk turns into Peter Lougheed. He's carrying around a big computer that looks like a microwave oven and keeps telling me not to touch it. Spock finally shows up with some kind of ray gun that makes all the alien's bodies work properly. Everyone ends up kind of happy.

Bet you can't top that. Please recommend this post

DMAA YouTube Mixer

If your interested in Media and in Calgary on Nov 1, 2006, the Digital Media Association of Alberta is having a mixer. They describe it as:

YouTube.com was recently bought by Google for $1.7 billion. Calgary entrepreneurs and leaders in digital video creation with many decades of experience in the personal, corporate, web, and broadcast space will discuss where digital video is going, and what they see as potential business opportunities. Why did YouTube work, and what lessons can be learned. What mistakes did YouTube make, which could sink other online ventures.

Usually their speakers and events are pretty good. Being digital media, its not the usual collection of geeks. This is a much cooler crowd.

I'm dying to get a couple of video blogs up on YouTube before Google ruins it.

Check their website for more information. Please recommend this post

Five Things Feminism Has Done For Me

Why should a man write about benifiting from feminism? What could I possibly say that could be taken seriously? I feel men should take feminism seriously for the same reason heterosexuals should take gay rights seriously. By sticking up for other peoples rights you decrease the chances that yours will be taken away arbitrarily. I'm not sure I'd like living in a society where people don't stick up for their fellow citizens because they don't belong to the group being wronged.

As a result here are five things feminism has done for me:

1. A lot of other bloggers have mentioned the work-place. I have benefited directly from working with a lot of highly qualified smart women who in another generation may have had to stay at home and apply their large brains to meaningless tasks. Unfortunately, there are still not nearly enough women in science and technology. The other day I added up all the different computer programmers and database people I have worked with over the years. It came to about 17, but only two of them were women. As recently as 5 years ago I worked for a VP of Technology who absolutely refused to hire female programmers. He claimed they could not do the job. Clearly certain people are lying when they claim feminism has run its course and reached its goals.

2. Feminism helps me form an historical perspective of the social and political changes I've seen in my life. I have my own view of how we got into the current debacle of Harper vs the Status of Women Canada: Mulroney believed that Trudeau ruined Canada and that it was his divine calling to save Canada. Everyone is entitled to their delusions of grandeur. Mulroney was so obsessed with re-writing Trudeau's constitution and negotiating NAFTA that he accomplished very little for women or families. Without trying to over-explain it, I think it can be argued that Mulroney killed the progressive wing of the Conservative Party, alienated Western Conservatives, and made it possible for Harper to merge the two parties and remove the word Progressive from the name, and more importantly, to remove Progressive ideas from their policy. No wonder Harper claims Mulroney as his mentor. That's my explanation of how we got to 2006 and a government that wants to cut funding to the Status of Women.

3. Feminism has helped define the type of women I admire and want. (Pause for Drooling). My ideal woman ought to committed to defending her own and other women's gender rights. I think its pretty important for women to be independent and able to look after themselves. If through some unfortunate series of events her honour is besmirched in some weird way I would like to think she would kick ass and take names. (I've got your back sweety.) I don't think I'm capable of buying into the idea that men are the higher beings in the social order as per St. Paul and others. There are many things St. Paul wrote in the New Testament that I cherish, but his views on women, marriage and homosexuality can be discarded without much second thought.

4. Feminism has largely driven the redefinition of the family so families now take many different forms. It will never be the same again in spite of the rantings of tradionalists. The is no such thing as a traditional definition of a family or a marriage. Any group who claims they own the traditional definition of marriage and the family are egotistical power crazy liars. It can be two women, two men, a single mother, working, not working, whatever. I benefit from this because I can feel free to form my family any way I want without feeling guilty. There is a side benefit of knowing people you care about can do what they want and what works for them. Now if only we could get Canada's New Government to mind its own business and let people decide family and marriage issues for themselves, we will all be better off.

5. Feminism has made me more aware of the problems in our society with domestic violence and poverty, both affecting women and children far more than men. I read the other day that Alberta has the highest rate of domestic violence in Canada. Part of this is attributable to the frontier town mentality that goes along with the boom cycle of the Oil & Gas economy. The question is: Why would our Government want to defund women's groups knowing there is still a huge problem with violence towards women. That puts their attitude in a whole new light: immoral and dispicable. Pro family my ass.

Note: This is a first draft. I'm not overly happy with it, so I may make some edits.

Update Oct 25, 2006 6:50pm mst - I fixed some typos and minor changes to grammar. I used to be a good speller. And thanks for all your feedback so far. Please recommend this post

Friday Night Cat Blogging

This is my first try at Cat Blogging which seems to be a tradition for many bloggers on Fridays.

I hope I did'nt upset anyone. Please recommend this post

Oilers 6 Sharks Not 6

I was all set to watch the Oilers vs San Jose game last night then I got to working late and forgot about it. By the time I tuned in the Oilers were down 4-1. No worries, I thought I'd just tune in again later after they caught up. So I went and checked on the people I have tied up in my basement, went to Dairy Queen, saw some funny drunk UofC students. Is'nt it a bit early in the week dudes? Then I went and worked a bit more. When I tuned back in it was 4-3 for San Jose but the Oilers clearly had them by the throat.

The Oilers finally won 6-4 and Ryan Smyth got a natural hat trick. He set a new record for the fastest hat trick at 2:01. The previous record of 2:18 was held by Wayne Gretzky. I had thought it unlikely that any of Gretzky's records would be broken. Smyth also went over 500 career points. I'll bet his wife had a nice cake baked for him when he got home.

San Jose coach Ron Wilson is a pretty sore loser. After the game he called Ryan Smith lucky. No compliment. I think that's a little unprofessional. He was like that during the play-offs last year also. Even after the Oilers won the series he just could'nt say anything nice. It was all the referees fault, bad luck, etc. San Jose has a pretty good team with some excellent players. The Oilers announcers, although they're obviously homers, always manage to note the talent of the other teams. That's probably because they have some class. Ron Wilson is just a sore loser and an ass-hat. Is ass-hat hyphenated? Maybe just Asshat.

In other hockey news the Calgary Flames bored 18,404 fans to near death beating the Senators 1-0. Several people were taken to hospital with acute drooling and stuperous related symptoms. Please recommend this post

Blog Now Post Short

I just listened to Bruce Cockburn's new CD Life Short Call Now. I bought it last week sometime. In keeping with my ongoing meditation training I left it on my desk for a week without touching it. They tell me this is a good exercise to help you overcome an inordinate desire to do something. I walked by it multiple times every day for almost a week thinking this is ridiculous lets just pop it in the player. When I finally did listen to it for the first time I really enjoyed it.

I rarely like an entire CD but I liked most of these songs.

The title song, to me is a sort of love song about the shallowness of life and how short it is. The final verse:

you've no idea how i long
for even one loving caress
for you to step into my heart
without deception or duress

The third song on the CD called Mystery is a beautiful song that I could listen to over and over again, and probably will until I get really sick of it.

Peace March is another wicked guitar instrumental that Guitar players will be trying to figure out. Good luck with that.

Tell The Universe is a song about war. Probably one particular current war:

tell the universe what you've done
out in the desert with your smoking gun
looks like you've been having too much fun
tell the universe what you've done

This is Baghdad is a song that probably came out of the author's trip there:

Carbombed and carjacked and kidnapped and shot
how do you like it, this freedom we brought?
We packed all the ordinance but the thing we forgot
was a plan in case it did'nt turn out quite what we thought

The last song on the CD is another Guitar Solo called Nude Descending a Staircase. It has a unique sound. I can't quite put my finger on it. Sort of Fried Green Tomatoes/American Grafitti.

Ani DiFranco and Ron Sexsmith, two other favourites of mine, sing backup on a few of the songs.There is a lot more instrumentation on this CD compared to previous Cockburn CD's.

Thanks for the tunes Mr C. Please recommend this post

Music To Walk Around With And Or By

I finally got around to updating some good music onto my player. The weather in Calgary last night was beautiful. Hot and sunny. I walked by the Bow River on the way home and the Sun was playing on the yellow leaves of the Poplar trees. It was kind of breathtaking when you add in the sun bouncing around on the water. And it was'nt just the poplars. It was also the Giant Redwood, the Larch, the Fir, the mighty Scots pine, the lofty flowering Cherry, the plucky little aspen, the limping rude tree of Nigeria...[1]

The soundtrack for an October walk in the Sun:

1. Eve of Destruction - The Turtles

I like the Turtle's version better than Barry McGuire's original. I was standing on the corner of 7th and 8th...or maybe it was 8th and 7th...anyhow...I was singing aloud to this song until I noticed that a bunch of banker suit types were staring at me. I felt like the town Witch that accidentally walked into the Knights of Columbus meeting. Or the Knights of Columbus dude walking into a meeting of Witches. I could'nt decide which was funnier.

2. Kind and Generous - Natalie Merchant

My favourite song by her. Whenever I hear it I always think of the same person.

3. Rebecca Martin - These Bones are Yours Alone

She's got a really nice voice. Really really nice.

4. Closing Time - Leonard Cohen

and i lift my glass to the awful truth
which you can't reveal to the ears of youth
except to say it isn't worth a dime
and the whole damn place goes crazy twice
and it's once for the devil and once for christ
but the boss don't like these dizzy heights
we're busted in the blinding lights,
busted in the blinding lights
of closing time

5. Hard Headed Women - Cat Stevens

Yeah me too. I banged foreheads with this chick one time trying to exchange a kiss. She sure had a hard head. I rolled around on the ground for a while pretending I was in the World Cup. At some point in a relationship you have to find out if they buy into your theatrics. What does the former Mr. Stevens mean by a hard headed woman? I never got that.

6. Silence is Golden - The Tremeloes

Generally I like music from the early 60's even though it is long long before my time. I vaguely remember this song on the radio. If you're an older person you may have seen them live.

7. What It Is - Mae Moore

we take for granted this life we know
a few possessions we have to show in the end
i'll keep my peace of mind
make love the bottom line
i've got everything i want ever since i found out
what it is that makes my world go round

8. Anthem - Leonard Cohen

can't run no more
with the lawless crowd
while the killers in high places
say their prayers out loud
but they've summoned up
a thundercloud
and they're going to hear from me

The song comes on just as I'm walking by the Dinning Shack. They'll be hearing from me too.

9. Here She Comes - The Mahones

I read an article about them and the author kept saying they were Celtic Punk. That did'nt really sound right to me. More like Irish Canadian Uptempo Cabaret Rock. Songs about how much you love your girl is'nt exactly punk to me unless they reference heroin, vomiting or train spotting. They remind me a lot of the SkyDiggers. Where are the SkyDiggers these days anyway?

10. Lodestar - Sarah Harmer

out in the night, out on the water,
we pull the boat back to shore.
breathing the air in the stillness of the bay.
intensity of stars reflected in the water,
silently ignite.
the oar dips in to oil like water and we,
are away.
under the moon,
in the great black night with no lodestar,
in sight.

...

[1] List as taken from Monty Python's Lumberjack sketch. You can't have a music list without somehow bringing Monty Python into it. Please recommend this post

Mennonites Start Relief Fund For Amish

A quick post. Just in case you don't know about this, the Mennonite Central Committee has set up a special fund to assist the Amish community in Nickel Mines.

Click here for the MCC's special webpage.

The MCC always makes me proud to be a Canadian. Please recommend this post

Balls in Escrow Please

A completely surprising development in South Carolina:

CHARLESTON, S.C. (AP) - A City Council member, reacting to a video store holdup believed to have been carried out by children, says parents who can't properly care for their kids should be sterilized.

"We pick up stray animals and spay them," Larry Shirley said in a story published Saturday by The Post and Courier of Charleston. "These mothers need to be spayed if they can't take care of theirs. Once they have a child and it's running the street, to let them continue to have children is totally unacceptable."

Surely you're not advocating eugenics? Of course I am, please call me Larry.

Generally, I've been trying to ignore the trailor park boys that get themselves elected then feel they need to talk out loud.

I'm not an American, but I don't think your local town council can sterilize you. That sounds more like the domain of Homeland Security or maybe Faith Based Initiatives.

I'm disappoited that the Canadian Press and the CBC both referred to "parents" in the headline when clearly Adolph was talking about mothers. There is an important difference which has to do with attitudes to women. Don't you feel the outrage of Welfare Queens and Crack Whores stealing your sweat soaked tax dollars?

Since we can't shut these creeps up and people won't stop voting for them I came up with a solution while walking down fashionable 7th avenue today. We should required all male politicians, before running for public office to sign their balls into public escrow. Its just like if naked pictures of Miss America turn up. Certain things have to happen to restore the dignity of the office.

Should they, during the course of their tenure, say something that is derogatory or hurtful towards mothers, compare them to dogs, or advocate for forced eugenics, the state will require them to either resign or surrender their balls in a very public and a very painful manner.

Also, Canadians should be aware of the fact that the Stanley Cup is currently residing in that part of the world. We want it back. We don't want our national treasure around creeps like that.

And thats one more reason why you all (y'all) should be cheering for the Edmonton Oilers. Please recommend this post

Grief, Dreaming and Empathy

I had a dream a week or so ago about our recently departed loved one. I don't often dream of those who have passed on, it has only happened to me a few times. It was a very short dream, CC was wearing a really nice suit and was smiling. He had on a ridiculous tie that was glowing, kind of like a lava lamp, or something from the sixties. I was amused by the tie, so I asked him where he got it. He replied that I gave it to him. That was it. Dream over.

Although the dream itself was fairly harmeless, maybe even funny, it left an emotional hangover that carried into the next few days. It made me feel profoundly sad and with a longing to turn back the clock. I tried to write down my thoughts on this dream several times but could never quite get through it. It did'nt help that in the meantime I watched Jon Voigt in the Five People You Meet In Heaven . Which cracked me open just a little bit wider than I already was. I've added this movie to my top 5 all time favourite movies.

I try not to analyze my dreams to much. The furballs that our subconscious throws up to us are mostly meant to be ignored. But there was something that kept eating at me about this dream.

While trying to understand the dream a little voice kept mumbling the word empathy. Empathy? Yeah, like remembering all the bewildered people in Afghanistan and Iraq who are missing family members. Or the families of Canadian and American soldiers who regardless of their political view are now going through a horrible grieving process. If grief and loss means anything at all should it mean you become more fully human in that you can understand someone else's grief? I'm embarassed that self-pity is almost always the first recourse. If empathy is important then how as a Canadian can I be the least bit comfortable with Canada's New Government which sees Military Machismo as our new international identity. I understand a little bit more, but not nearly enough, about grief and empathy. I also know who I'm NOT voting for in the next federal election. Which I hope is soon. Please recommend this post

Blogger Errata

In a previous post I mentioned that my niece attended a Rocker Chick Camp this summer. This should have be described as Rocker Girl Camp. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. Please recommend this post

Hermaphrodite Nazi Sympathisers And Thanks

Late last night our blog received its 5000th visitor. I would like to send a gift to that reader, but I only know it is someone in LeatherHead Bromley, UK. A better produced blog could get 5000 hits in one week or one month but it took us almost a year. Our 5000th visitor googled wallace simpson hermaphrodite and landed here. For the record, we do not have any in depth content related directly to this search. Google does not do semantics very well when dealing with multiple key words. It only knows those three words were found somewhere in the content. Nonetheless I'm grateful for the visit.

An hermaphrodite is someone with both sexual physiologies. God only knows why, but I discussed it here (Last paragraph). Wallace Simpson was an American woman who married the Prince of Wales in the 1930's. Not long after becoming King he abdicated because his marriage to a divorced American was objectionable to the British Parliament and the Royal Family. Since the Prince of Wales was immensely popular the British people resented Wallace Simpson and all kinds of crazy things were made up about her in the press. They blamed her for the abdication and then made a whole industry out of saying wacky untrue things about her. Good thing the Western Standard and Ezra Levant were not around then. Being called an Hermaphrodite would be the least of her worries.

I really doubt she was an hermaphrodite. The Duke would have taken note of that. That castle was only big enough for one Duke. With all due respect to hermaphrodites everywhere - which is a phrase I never thought I would write - it was an awful thing to say about someone just because they disrupted your little costume pageant.

After abdicating the couple moved to the Bahamas where the Duke was given a bit of non strenuous government work to do. There were persistant rumors throughout the War that the Duke and Duchess were Nazi sympathisers, perhaps even spies. Hence, another one of my other google referrals: "Wallace Simpson von Ribbentrop".

I feel like I should be thanking people for having 5000 visits.

First - first I'd like to thank Jesus because athletes do it all the time whenever they win something. Also my mother who does'nt know I write this stuff, should be thanked. You always thank your mother. If you don't you are a jerk. I'd like to thank Jesus again, because you can never thank Jesus enough when you live a life like mine. I'd like to thank the Progressive Bloggers for picking up my feed probably against their better judgment. I'd like to thank the Pope and Madonna. I'd like to thank all the readers who drop by and take time to read my posts. No accounting for taste. I'd like to thank the Government of Alberta whose ignorance and incompetence is mind blowing thus giving me plenty to write and think about. I'd like to thank Stephen Harper for being a continuous source of legitimate outrage for all of us non-Conservative bloggers.

My plans are to continue with this blog and to find ways to improve it. I lament the fact that many blogs I start to enjoy end up having a short life span. There are a lot of very talented writers out there so its always going to be a good competition to get readers. Please recommend this post

Rocker Chick Camp

My niece went to Rocker Chick Camp a few weeks ago. She did'nt even send me an email telling me she was doing that. I had to hear it from my mother and I did'nt really understand what she was talking about. What I heard at first was Biker Chick Camp. Oh dear, I thought, does the father know? She went to this camp in Edmonton for 5 days and got musical instruction from Rachelle van Zanten and others. I think this type of thing is a great idea. I wish they had something like that when I was that age. I tried to get some of the lyrics of the songs they wrote in the workshops but no luck. I'll keep trying.

A friend of mine went to an IT boot camp which is kind of like a religious cult. They deprive you of sleep and protein and cram you with stupid facts so you can pass a bunch of Certification Tests. He paid almost 10k for it and drank the whole time. He apparently passed all the exams but does'nt know how or when.

It does'nt really bother me if my niece decides to make a career in music. Its a tough life though. I admire people who have musical talent. I know she does'nt get it from my side of the family. We have no musical genetics on our side at all. She obviously gets her talent from her Father's side, he being an impressive singer and guitar player. Please recommend this post