Provincial Voting Results

Here are the voting statistics from last weeks election, by party.

100

Party	Votes	Pct
Alberta Alliance	77,506	8.7
Alberta Green	24,588	2.7
Alberta Party	2,485	.28
Communist	98	.01
Independent	1,009	0.11
Liberal	261,471	29.36
New Democrats	90,897	10.21
Progressive Conservatives	417,092	46.83
Social Credit	10,874	1.22
Separation Party	4,680	0.53
Total	890,700

If you break the vote down by the general point of view of the party it looks like this:

Conservative/Right: 57%

Liberal/Left: 43%

I'll have more to say about these numbers later, after I calm down a bit.

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Eric Margolis on Ukraine

Here is a really good article on the Ukraine, by Eric Margolis.

http://www.commondreams.org/views04/1128-21.htm

You may have seen this in your Sunday Daily Bikini but this is the un-edited version.
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Movie review

I finally got to see the controversial new Spiderman movie. I had been putting it off because I had heard that it was fairly intense and violent, and possibly anti-semitic. Relocating the Spiderman story to ancient Palestine under Roman occupation was an artistic risk but it actually worked because Spiderman is the Greatest Story Ever Told and transcends locale.

The movie was widely criticized because of alleged anti-semitism. Sure, J.J. Jameson was clearly portrayed as a stereo-typed Jewish Media executive, but did J.J. Jameson kill Spiderman? I don't think so. I think we all killed Spiderman.

This movie shows us the suffering and sacrifice Spiderman made because he loves us, and gave us hope that Spiderman lives and wants to have a relationship with us.

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NP apologizes for Slander

Wow, completely unexpected apology.

TORONTO(CBC) - The National Post has apologized for a column that hinted Governor General Adrienne Clarkson is having an affair. In the Wednesday edition of the paper, the Post's editors said a Monday column by Gillian Cosgrove contained "fundamental errors and intentional misrepresentations." Titled "Saul Skips Governor's Gala," the column quoted an unnamed insider who said that Clarkson and Iceland's ambassador, Gudmundur Eiriksson, have developed "a close friendship."

I guess you should apologize when you lie in print. No apology yet for a decade of turgid and incomprehensibly inane political commentary which assumed that anyone reading was a complete idiot, mean-spirited and really wanted to soak up senile diatribes from a fake aristocrat, his wife, or their collection of obsequious toadies.

Woah that one got away.

The question is: why does the National Post hate Adrienne Clarkson so much?

And thats your homework assignment for today. Please, no more than 200 words.
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Shiksa causes near boycott

Sarah Jessica Parker enraged the Jewish Orthodox community in Israel by appearing in a billboard ad for Lux soap showing just a little too much Sarah and not enough of Sarah's clothes.

Such a thing cannot be done.

Unilever Corporation got a phone call from the Chief Rabbi who noted that it would be fairly easy for him to organize a product boycott. Not long after the ads were replaced with the same Sarah Jessica but with just a bit of a more dress.

You can see the before and after here:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/4039461.stm

[Ring][Ring]..Yes, this is the Chief Rabbi...What? Lenny Kravitz is doing a Gap ad...Sure, I'll take a look at it right away...

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George's Diary

Dear Diary,

Well tomorrow I'm heading off for Canada. First we stop in Halifax on my way to see President Poutine. I'm a little worried about leaving Dick alone. Last time I went to the ranch for 3 weeks he sorta went nuts. I turn on Fox and we're in friggin Iraq. I have to thank some people in Halifax for God only knows what before we fly to Ottawa. Did they even vote for us? I'm a little scared though because we have to fly over Frenchy territory to get there. What if we have to land? I remember that science fiction movie with Kirk Russel where the President gets stuck in New York and its a big prison and Kirk Russel has to go in and save him. I'd love to be saved by Kirk Russel. He'd be wearing one of those muscle shirts with a couple of guns slung over his shoulder and all sweaty and stuff...(*Sigh*)

Anyhow I thought I was going to speak to the Canadian Parliament, but now Dick says no. You know why? They can't get me a standing ovation cause they're full of commies. I don't know why I even bother with those weenies. So I'm speaking at a private function, you know full of my kind of people.

On Tuesday night I'm going to a sleepover with Stockwell Day, Stephen Harper and David Frum. (Mental note: Don't say nothing to Poutine or Steamship guy about the sleepover, they're not invited...) I'm still mad at that Frum for bragging about inventing the "Axis of Evil" phrase. Everyone knows I thought that up. Honestly, I fire the guy and he writes a book about how great I am and how much he loves me. Is that pathetic or what. I hope Stock does'nt make us listen to his Toby Keith CD's all night. If that Harper were a girl I'd be on him like a starved dog on a meat wagon.

Where is Poutine these days anyway? They keep making me talk to that Jimmy Martin guy. He's nice and all but quite frankly I don't thinks he's in control.

I know its really sick, but I can't stop thinking about that Carolyn Parrish chick. Who knew that kind of raw hatred could be such a turn on. I've tried to get Laura to talk mean to me like that but she just won't do it. I'm hoping I can ditch Laura for a while and hook up with Parrish even if its just for a while. Maybe I could send Laura off with Billy's wife for a while or that Chinese Queen chick. (What kind of Country has a Chinese Queen.)

After I get away from Poutine I have to go meet with Stephen Harper. But I'm not meeting with those other guys Jack and Jill. (Is that a joke?) Anyway, Harper really really tires me out. He's so needy. Apologizing all the time about Canada having its own foreign policy and asking to come to the ranch. I keep sending people up there to help him get elected but it never works. Whatever.

Will write some more later. Ta.
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Vote

Monday, November 22, 2004:

Remember to vote. If you don't know where to go you can go to:

http://www.electionsalberta.ab.ca/wheretovote/

Warning: The web-site is designed very badly. I tried about 20 different variations of my address but the search was never able to find my polling station. I know very well they can find this info off the postal code alone. (They say tired corrupt governments benefit from low voter turn-out. Hmmmm...)

Or..

For further information, contact the Voter Information Centre at 1-(780)-422-VOTE (8683) or 1-877-422-VOTE (8683).
Monday - Friday: 8:00am - 9:00pm
Weekends: 9:00am - 4:00pm
Email: wheretovote@electionsalberta.ab.ca

Or...

You can dress up as a drunk homeless person and stand on the corner. Eventually a van with Tory campaign workers will pick you up and tell you what to do. Do everything they tell you to do, play dumb, then vote for Not-The-Tory.
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Grey Cup Prediction 2

Actually, what i meant to say...

Never bet against a 41 year old Quarterback who can barely walk.

Especially if that Quarterback was developed by the Edmonton Eskimos.

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Grey Cup Prediction

Here is it for the record:

B.C. Lions by 2 points.

You would be foolish to bet against a team coached by Wally Buono.

And one more thing...NO MANURE ON ANYONE'S LAWN! Thats un-Canadian.

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New Microsoft Search Engine

Microsoft is set to kick off yet another internet search engine. The search engine will be able to find sites that are geographically close to you and be able to accept natural language queries.

Natural language queries are questions you can ask a program and have it understand what you mean and produce results. Microsoft gives the example of What is the capital of Turkey? The seems to work fine until you flip the question around and ask "What country has Ankara as its capital?". Now its not so smart. Natural language processing has never really worked perfectly and you are likely to get your share of bizarre results. Its really kind of a useless feature.

With a gazillion dollars to spend on marketing Microsoft may tip the balance against Google. Thus, a crappy incomplete product will become the universal standard.

You can try out the beta version here.

More articles here.

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UofA Pandas arouse National Post

EDMONTON - The University of Alberta Pandas volleyball players are willing to make their point about the female body. Even if it costs them a point every time they do it. The team is flouting new rules established for Canada West university volleyball that forbid them from changing from warm-up T-shirts into game uniforms at courtside. Doing so leaves them momentarily exposed in their sports bras. "Maybe it makes people uncomfortable -- maybe it does in our own gym as well. I don't know," said 22-year-old Panda Janna Konihowski. "But we aren't ashamed of our bodies. Should we be? Should we be hiding in the corner?" The Pandas have paid for their stand on the scoreboard, penalized the opening point of each match last week in a two-game sweep over the University of Saskatchewan.

more...

Is the National Post still in business? I thought Lord Black drained them. Oh yeah, they're part of that Global Crouton media empire. This story follows a time honoured hack tradition of leading off with something [apparently] salacious in order to get you to read their other weird stuff.

Maybe instead of writing a lengthy and dull diatribe on sports bras they could have pointed out that this team is 18-3-0, and is well coached and highly successful. Don't they have editors? As luck would have it this weekend they are playing back to back games in Calgary. We fully intend to send one of our Interns over to the game to see if this situation is a serious as the National Post would have us believe.

Here is their schedule.

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Author speaks out, marries.

Satanic Verses author Salman Rushdie has called on [the American] Congress to remove anti-terror laws which allow US officials to monitor citizens' reading habits. Rushdie, 56, said he was concerned by government bodies "noseying into what should be personal creative space". He presented a 180,000-name petition asking Congress to repeal portions of the Patriot Act which give access to book-buying and library records.

Fat chance infidel. I don't think you want to be talking to them like that. You might want to tone it down a bit. I would'nt want to see you get yanked off a plane if you know what I'm saying....

But later in the same article, a shocking revelation...

Rushdie married Indian actress Padma Lakshmi in April.

What? How come we did'nt get that at the beginning of the article. I thought they busted up. He referred to her as an air-head in an interview which I don't imagine went over too well. She speaks five languages you know. Married? Wow did'nt see that one coming.

So, how does Cat Stevens/Yusef Islam figures into all this?

Apparently Rushdie was miffed when Mr. Islam did not denounce the Fatwah placed on him by the Ayatollah Khomeini after he published the Satanic Verses and other works, which the Ayatollah deemed blasphemy. Mr. Islam's (apparent) failure to condemn the Fatwah led many to believe he approved of it.

In summary, you have one group who wants to kill an author for writing the wrong book, another group that wants to arrest a reader for reading the wrong book. This can't turn out well.
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Hating Public Education

LITTLE EGG HARBOR, N.J. -- Parents whose children attend a New Jersey intermediate school want answers after a National Guard jet fighter shot up the school during a practice run.

They must have thought there were Canadian Soldiers there.

more...

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Red Alert

Our Glorious Leader needs your help. While visiting Grande Prairie Glorious Leader uncovered a widespread conspiracy to defraud the taxpayer of their sweat-soaked loonies. This massive fraud is being perpetrated by none other than the Fake Disabled. Dear Leader believes that the extravagance of $800 dollars a month offered by the AISH program is attracting the wrong kind of people.

Our leader needs our help now more than ever and is now asking you to do your part in uncovering these con artists and getting them off the public purse.

What can you do to help?

Spot the fraudsters and expose them. Watch for people who are:

1. Smoking.
2. Wearing cowboy hats.
3. Yipping.
4. Trying to get sympathy instead of being manly.

Dear Leader also asks you to teach your children about self-reliance, sacrifice, and how to live without a respirator.

Report any suspicious people you find directly to the Leader so he can publicly denounce them, and let them know that you know about them.

Our Leader is always trying to outsmart the enemy, which is why he has three different web sites where you can report the suspicious activity of the so called "handicapped".

http://www.assembly.ab.ca/lao/mla/contact.asp?RNumber=09
http://www.gov.ab.ca/home/index.cfm?page=23
http://www.gov.ab.ca/premier/
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Wetbacks of the North

Mrs. Annie Edson Taylor (left) became the first woman to challenge Niagara Falls in a barrel.

On October 24th 1901, her birthday, Taylor rode her barrel over Niagara Falls. She was a 46 year old widow and was a school teacher in Bay City, Michigan. She weighed 160 pounds. (That dress weighs 160 pounds. - ed) Taylor's barrel was built with white Kentucky oak held together by seven iron hoops. It was 22 inches in diameter at the head, 34 inches in diameter in the middle and 15 inches in diameter at the foot. The barrel was four and a half feet long and weighed 160 pounds. For ballast a 100 - 200 pound anvil was placed in the barrels bottom.

She began her trip just off of the American side of the Niagara River upstream of Goat Island. She was dressed in a long black dress and a flowery hat. About 600 feet from shore Mrs. Taylor climbed into her barrel so that she was standing on the anvil. The barrel was packed with padding and a small mattress and the lid was then screwed into place.

At 4:05 p.m., when released, the barrel flowed toward the Canadian side and over the Horseshoe Falls. Mrs. Taylor successfully endured the trip without any major injuries (slight cuts and bruises only). It wasn't until 4:40 p.m. that rescuers could get close enough to Taylor's barrel along the Canadian shore to let her out. The top of Taylor's barrel had to be cut away. When released from the barrel Mrs. Taylor said " nobody ought ever do that again".


The rescuers were fully aware that they were committing an indictable offense in Canada, by aiding an abetting illegal immigration. Between 4:05 pm and 4:40 pm the Canadian Immigration Service searched dilligently for Annie but were unable to locate her. When asked how they could miss picking her up given such an obvious public stunt, a Spokesman for Immigration Canada said: "Well we can't be expected to search every Kentucky Oak Barrel that comes over those falls. "

Mrs. Taylor was also charged with the less serious offence of Unlawful Conveyance of an Anvil or other Blacksmithing Device Across International Waters While Committing a Stunt but was never captured by Canadian authorities.
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No, I Did'nt Forget Poland

In all of three of the debates between Bush and Kerry it was obvious that Bush was beaten thoroughly. He was defensive, arrogant, petulant, evasive, condescending, and vague. Or as some describe it: Presidential.

In the third debate the following exchange took place which showed a desperate attempt to distract from an obviously negative situation.


Kerry: You led a coalition of Britian, the US and Australia into a viper's nest, spent $200 billion we needed for the war on terror on a dead end search for weapons of mass distruction that never existed, got 1000 marines killed, created unstability and strife for decades to come, allowed Osama Bin Laden to escape, and now can't even figure out a good lie to explain it all to your citizens in a debate.
Bush [screaming]: You forgot Poland.


Thus, the phrase "You Forgot Poland" becomes imbedded in popular culture and is now showing up in comedy routines everywhere. An obvious attempt to divert attention away from the main point which you've just been zinged with. It is roughly equivalent to Look A Monkey On A Bike or You Look Great in that Dress.

Years from now there will be another Presidential debate, and there will be an exchange like this:


Democrat: The President has never fully explained to the American People why we needed to drop nuclear bombs on Iran, Korean, Aruba, and the Republic of Quebec...
Republican[screaming]: You Forgot Poland!

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Live from New York

NEW YORK - All eyes will be on Ashlee Simpson Monday as the American pop singer tackles another televised live singing performance, two days after a botched appearance on Saturday Night Live.

Simpson sang her hit Pieces of Me without a hitch on the live comedy sketch show Saturday night.

However, when she returned for a second song, she was holding the microphone at her waist when strains of her singing Pieces of Me could be heard again over her band's playing.
The stray vocal track was quickly silenced while Simpson stood looking confused, attempted a few dance moves and then left the stage. The show then cut to a commercial...


Boy did she ever look confused. First she steals Jessica's drum loops. Now this. That family has some problems.

It was riveting to be a witness to history. Years from now, annoying kids will ask me, Hey, ass-clown, tell us about the great Ashley Simpson lip-syncing scandal of 20 odd 4. And I'll plug in my digital voice box and say, "It was a crisp Saturday night in October...blah blah blah...she was wearing a dress right out of the 70's blah blah blah" A few hours later they'll unplug me, put me back in my cryogenic unit, and throw things at my head and make Ebonics slurs.

This incident has clearly shaken my faith in the craftsmanship involved in this musical genre, which up until now has been both professional and dignified.
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Stampeders Near Win Marred

Never a dull moment with the Stampeders...

The Globe and Mail reports that the Calgary Stampeders have filed a protest with the Canadian Football League, saying game officials robbed them of a win last Friday and directed a racial slur at receiver Nik Lewis.

According to a report in Sunday's Calgary Sun, Stampeders receiver Nikolas Lewis claims a CFL official directed a racial slur toward him after the Stampeders lost a 19-17 game to the B.C. Lions on Friday.

Lewis told the Sun that during an on-field scrum at the conclusion of the game, the official said ''Get off the field, I don't understand Ebonics.''

The CBC quotes a story in the Globe & Mail based on a report in the Calgary Sun. That's more convoluted than the trick play the Stampeders tried to pull on the last play of the game.

But that was one slick trick play. We did'nt think Dunnigan had a play like that. You pass to a receiver, he boots the ball downfield, and another guy runs like crazy recovers the ball and runs into the end zone.

But unfortunately the referees did'nt understand the play and negated it with a penalty. So much for your 5th win of the year.

The Referee who blew the call and made the racial slur issued an apology:

First of all, I wish to apologize for the comment I made at the end of the game. I realize now they were unprofessional and just plain wrong. Holy shizzle, my nizzle! Did yizzle see da home-bizzle get kizzled? He hustlin for sho. I say why you all up in my grill yo? Get off da crib dawg.


Links:
The CFL Referees Official Site
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Eskimos Crushing Loss

While perusing media reports after the Edmonton Eskimos blew a big stinky one in Regina on Saturday, I noticed the repetitive use of the following words: crushed, manhandled, awful, implosion, eruption, weird, ugly, and thumped. The words I used were in the same vein but had somewhat more color and vigour.

Some of you wrote to point out that I wrote a parody of the Calgary Stampeders on a Weekend when the Stampeders had their best game ever and the Edmonton Eskimos blew the aformentioned wet fart.

At press time it was the Stampeders who were heavily favoured to be the ones eating crap while the Eskimos had more than favourable odds to beat Regina. Regrettably, we went with our gut instead of waiting for the results.

These things happen much to the chagrin of important media people like me. Imagine you're the publisher of the Chigaco Daily Tribune in 1948 and you wake up to find out that Thomas Dewey did not beat Harry Truman after all. That has got to hurt.

Well I've met with all our researchers, interns and divisional editors - across all our divisions - and I've expressed my disappointment that we got this one so wrong. We all agreed that we have to do better for you the reader in the future. Otherwise we run the risk of you not believing anything we say and we can't have that because we perform a critical service to the community.

You Calgary Stampeder fans can take comfort in knowing that in the last Stampeders game of the season there is a very real possibility that the outcome could decide whether the Edmonton Eskimos miss the playoffs for the first time in about 30 years.

If that happens we assure you we will cover it with fair minded dignity and balance.
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Best Song Ever

Best Song Ever

Wondering Where the Lions Are

Sun's up, uh huh, looks okay
The world survives into another day
And I'm thinking about eternity
Some kind of ecstasy got a hold on me
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