Provincial Voting Results

Here are the voting statistics from last weeks election, by party.

100

Party	Votes	Pct
Alberta Alliance	77,506	8.7
Alberta Green	24,588	2.7
Alberta Party	2,485	.28
Communist	98	.01
Independent	1,009	0.11
Liberal	261,471	29.36
New Democrats	90,897	10.21
Progressive Conservatives	417,092	46.83
Social Credit	10,874	1.22
Separation Party	4,680	0.53
Total	890,700

If you break the vote down by the general point of view of the party it looks like this:

Conservative/Right: 57%

Liberal/Left: 43%

I'll have more to say about these numbers later, after I calm down a bit.

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Eric Margolis on Ukraine

Here is a really good article on the Ukraine, by Eric Margolis.

http://www.commondreams.org/views04/1128-21.htm

You may have seen this in your Sunday Daily Bikini but this is the un-edited version.
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Movie review

I finally got to see the controversial new Spiderman movie. I had been putting it off because I had heard that it was fairly intense and violent, and possibly anti-semitic. Relocating the Spiderman story to ancient Palestine under Roman occupation was an artistic risk but it actually worked because Spiderman is the Greatest Story Ever Told and transcends locale.

The movie was widely criticized because of alleged anti-semitism. Sure, J.J. Jameson was clearly portrayed as a stereo-typed Jewish Media executive, but did J.J. Jameson kill Spiderman? I don't think so. I think we all killed Spiderman.

This movie shows us the suffering and sacrifice Spiderman made because he loves us, and gave us hope that Spiderman lives and wants to have a relationship with us.

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NP apologizes for Slander

Wow, completely unexpected apology.

TORONTO(CBC) - The National Post has apologized for a column that hinted Governor General Adrienne Clarkson is having an affair. In the Wednesday edition of the paper, the Post's editors said a Monday column by Gillian Cosgrove contained "fundamental errors and intentional misrepresentations." Titled "Saul Skips Governor's Gala," the column quoted an unnamed insider who said that Clarkson and Iceland's ambassador, Gudmundur Eiriksson, have developed "a close friendship."

I guess you should apologize when you lie in print. No apology yet for a decade of turgid and incomprehensibly inane political commentary which assumed that anyone reading was a complete idiot, mean-spirited and really wanted to soak up senile diatribes from a fake aristocrat, his wife, or their collection of obsequious toadies.

Woah that one got away.

The question is: why does the National Post hate Adrienne Clarkson so much?

And thats your homework assignment for today. Please, no more than 200 words.
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Shiksa causes near boycott

Sarah Jessica Parker enraged the Jewish Orthodox community in Israel by appearing in a billboard ad for Lux soap showing just a little too much Sarah and not enough of Sarah's clothes.

Such a thing cannot be done.

Unilever Corporation got a phone call from the Chief Rabbi who noted that it would be fairly easy for him to organize a product boycott. Not long after the ads were replaced with the same Sarah Jessica but with just a bit of a more dress.

You can see the before and after here:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/4039461.stm

[Ring][Ring]..Yes, this is the Chief Rabbi...What? Lenny Kravitz is doing a Gap ad...Sure, I'll take a look at it right away...

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George's Diary

Dear Diary,

Well tomorrow I'm heading off for Canada. First we stop in Halifax on my way to see President Poutine. I'm a little worried about leaving Dick alone. Last time I went to the ranch for 3 weeks he sorta went nuts. I turn on Fox and we're in friggin Iraq. I have to thank some people in Halifax for God only knows what before we fly to Ottawa. Did they even vote for us? I'm a little scared though because we have to fly over Frenchy territory to get there. What if we have to land? I remember that science fiction movie with Kirk Russel where the President gets stuck in New York and its a big prison and Kirk Russel has to go in and save him. I'd love to be saved by Kirk Russel. He'd be wearing one of those muscle shirts with a couple of guns slung over his shoulder and all sweaty and stuff...(*Sigh*)

Anyhow I thought I was going to speak to the Canadian Parliament, but now Dick says no. You know why? They can't get me a standing ovation cause they're full of commies. I don't know why I even bother with those weenies. So I'm speaking at a private function, you know full of my kind of people.

On Tuesday night I'm going to a sleepover with Stockwell Day, Stephen Harper and David Frum. (Mental note: Don't say nothing to Poutine or Steamship guy about the sleepover, they're not invited...) I'm still mad at that Frum for bragging about inventing the "Axis of Evil" phrase. Everyone knows I thought that up. Honestly, I fire the guy and he writes a book about how great I am and how much he loves me. Is that pathetic or what. I hope Stock does'nt make us listen to his Toby Keith CD's all night. If that Harper were a girl I'd be on him like a starved dog on a meat wagon.

Where is Poutine these days anyway? They keep making me talk to that Jimmy Martin guy. He's nice and all but quite frankly I don't thinks he's in control.

I know its really sick, but I can't stop thinking about that Carolyn Parrish chick. Who knew that kind of raw hatred could be such a turn on. I've tried to get Laura to talk mean to me like that but she just won't do it. I'm hoping I can ditch Laura for a while and hook up with Parrish even if its just for a while. Maybe I could send Laura off with Billy's wife for a while or that Chinese Queen chick. (What kind of Country has a Chinese Queen.)

After I get away from Poutine I have to go meet with Stephen Harper. But I'm not meeting with those other guys Jack and Jill. (Is that a joke?) Anyway, Harper really really tires me out. He's so needy. Apologizing all the time about Canada having its own foreign policy and asking to come to the ranch. I keep sending people up there to help him get elected but it never works. Whatever.

Will write some more later. Ta.
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Vote

Monday, November 22, 2004:

Remember to vote. If you don't know where to go you can go to:

http://www.electionsalberta.ab.ca/wheretovote/

Warning: The web-site is designed very badly. I tried about 20 different variations of my address but the search was never able to find my polling station. I know very well they can find this info off the postal code alone. (They say tired corrupt governments benefit from low voter turn-out. Hmmmm...)

Or..

For further information, contact the Voter Information Centre at 1-(780)-422-VOTE (8683) or 1-877-422-VOTE (8683).
Monday - Friday: 8:00am - 9:00pm
Weekends: 9:00am - 4:00pm
Email: wheretovote@electionsalberta.ab.ca

Or...

You can dress up as a drunk homeless person and stand on the corner. Eventually a van with Tory campaign workers will pick you up and tell you what to do. Do everything they tell you to do, play dumb, then vote for Not-The-Tory.
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Grey Cup Prediction 2

Actually, what i meant to say...

Never bet against a 41 year old Quarterback who can barely walk.

Especially if that Quarterback was developed by the Edmonton Eskimos.

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Grey Cup Prediction

Here is it for the record:

B.C. Lions by 2 points.

You would be foolish to bet against a team coached by Wally Buono.

And one more thing...NO MANURE ON ANYONE'S LAWN! Thats un-Canadian.

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New Microsoft Search Engine

Microsoft is set to kick off yet another internet search engine. The search engine will be able to find sites that are geographically close to you and be able to accept natural language queries.

Natural language queries are questions you can ask a program and have it understand what you mean and produce results. Microsoft gives the example of What is the capital of Turkey? The seems to work fine until you flip the question around and ask "What country has Ankara as its capital?". Now its not so smart. Natural language processing has never really worked perfectly and you are likely to get your share of bizarre results. Its really kind of a useless feature.

With a gazillion dollars to spend on marketing Microsoft may tip the balance against Google. Thus, a crappy incomplete product will become the universal standard.

You can try out the beta version here.

More articles here.

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UofA Pandas arouse National Post

EDMONTON - The University of Alberta Pandas volleyball players are willing to make their point about the female body. Even if it costs them a point every time they do it. The team is flouting new rules established for Canada West university volleyball that forbid them from changing from warm-up T-shirts into game uniforms at courtside. Doing so leaves them momentarily exposed in their sports bras. "Maybe it makes people uncomfortable -- maybe it does in our own gym as well. I don't know," said 22-year-old Panda Janna Konihowski. "But we aren't ashamed of our bodies. Should we be? Should we be hiding in the corner?" The Pandas have paid for their stand on the scoreboard, penalized the opening point of each match last week in a two-game sweep over the University of Saskatchewan.

more...

Is the National Post still in business? I thought Lord Black drained them. Oh yeah, they're part of that Global Crouton media empire. This story follows a time honoured hack tradition of leading off with something [apparently] salacious in order to get you to read their other weird stuff.

Maybe instead of writing a lengthy and dull diatribe on sports bras they could have pointed out that this team is 18-3-0, and is well coached and highly successful. Don't they have editors? As luck would have it this weekend they are playing back to back games in Calgary. We fully intend to send one of our Interns over to the game to see if this situation is a serious as the National Post would have us believe.

Here is their schedule.

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Author speaks out, marries.

Satanic Verses author Salman Rushdie has called on [the American] Congress to remove anti-terror laws which allow US officials to monitor citizens' reading habits. Rushdie, 56, said he was concerned by government bodies "noseying into what should be personal creative space". He presented a 180,000-name petition asking Congress to repeal portions of the Patriot Act which give access to book-buying and library records.

Fat chance infidel. I don't think you want to be talking to them like that. You might want to tone it down a bit. I would'nt want to see you get yanked off a plane if you know what I'm saying....

But later in the same article, a shocking revelation...

Rushdie married Indian actress Padma Lakshmi in April.

What? How come we did'nt get that at the beginning of the article. I thought they busted up. He referred to her as an air-head in an interview which I don't imagine went over too well. She speaks five languages you know. Married? Wow did'nt see that one coming.

So, how does Cat Stevens/Yusef Islam figures into all this?

Apparently Rushdie was miffed when Mr. Islam did not denounce the Fatwah placed on him by the Ayatollah Khomeini after he published the Satanic Verses and other works, which the Ayatollah deemed blasphemy. Mr. Islam's (apparent) failure to condemn the Fatwah led many to believe he approved of it.

In summary, you have one group who wants to kill an author for writing the wrong book, another group that wants to arrest a reader for reading the wrong book. This can't turn out well.
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Hating Public Education

LITTLE EGG HARBOR, N.J. -- Parents whose children attend a New Jersey intermediate school want answers after a National Guard jet fighter shot up the school during a practice run.

They must have thought there were Canadian Soldiers there.

more...

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Red Alert

Our Glorious Leader needs your help. While visiting Grande Prairie Glorious Leader uncovered a widespread conspiracy to defraud the taxpayer of their sweat-soaked loonies. This massive fraud is being perpetrated by none other than the Fake Disabled. Dear Leader believes that the extravagance of $800 dollars a month offered by the AISH program is attracting the wrong kind of people.

Our leader needs our help now more than ever and is now asking you to do your part in uncovering these con artists and getting them off the public purse.

What can you do to help?

Spot the fraudsters and expose them. Watch for people who are:

1. Smoking.
2. Wearing cowboy hats.
3. Yipping.
4. Trying to get sympathy instead of being manly.

Dear Leader also asks you to teach your children about self-reliance, sacrifice, and how to live without a respirator.

Report any suspicious people you find directly to the Leader so he can publicly denounce them, and let them know that you know about them.

Our Leader is always trying to outsmart the enemy, which is why he has three different web sites where you can report the suspicious activity of the so called "handicapped".

http://www.assembly.ab.ca/lao/mla/contact.asp?RNumber=09
http://www.gov.ab.ca/home/index.cfm?page=23
http://www.gov.ab.ca/premier/
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Wetbacks of the North

Mrs. Annie Edson Taylor (left) became the first woman to challenge Niagara Falls in a barrel.

On October 24th 1901, her birthday, Taylor rode her barrel over Niagara Falls. She was a 46 year old widow and was a school teacher in Bay City, Michigan. She weighed 160 pounds. (That dress weighs 160 pounds. - ed) Taylor's barrel was built with white Kentucky oak held together by seven iron hoops. It was 22 inches in diameter at the head, 34 inches in diameter in the middle and 15 inches in diameter at the foot. The barrel was four and a half feet long and weighed 160 pounds. For ballast a 100 - 200 pound anvil was placed in the barrels bottom.

She began her trip just off of the American side of the Niagara River upstream of Goat Island. She was dressed in a long black dress and a flowery hat. About 600 feet from shore Mrs. Taylor climbed into her barrel so that she was standing on the anvil. The barrel was packed with padding and a small mattress and the lid was then screwed into place.

At 4:05 p.m., when released, the barrel flowed toward the Canadian side and over the Horseshoe Falls. Mrs. Taylor successfully endured the trip without any major injuries (slight cuts and bruises only). It wasn't until 4:40 p.m. that rescuers could get close enough to Taylor's barrel along the Canadian shore to let her out. The top of Taylor's barrel had to be cut away. When released from the barrel Mrs. Taylor said " nobody ought ever do that again".


The rescuers were fully aware that they were committing an indictable offense in Canada, by aiding an abetting illegal immigration. Between 4:05 pm and 4:40 pm the Canadian Immigration Service searched dilligently for Annie but were unable to locate her. When asked how they could miss picking her up given such an obvious public stunt, a Spokesman for Immigration Canada said: "Well we can't be expected to search every Kentucky Oak Barrel that comes over those falls. "

Mrs. Taylor was also charged with the less serious offence of Unlawful Conveyance of an Anvil or other Blacksmithing Device Across International Waters While Committing a Stunt but was never captured by Canadian authorities.
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No, I Did'nt Forget Poland

In all of three of the debates between Bush and Kerry it was obvious that Bush was beaten thoroughly. He was defensive, arrogant, petulant, evasive, condescending, and vague. Or as some describe it: Presidential.

In the third debate the following exchange took place which showed a desperate attempt to distract from an obviously negative situation.


Kerry: You led a coalition of Britian, the US and Australia into a viper's nest, spent $200 billion we needed for the war on terror on a dead end search for weapons of mass distruction that never existed, got 1000 marines killed, created unstability and strife for decades to come, allowed Osama Bin Laden to escape, and now can't even figure out a good lie to explain it all to your citizens in a debate.
Bush [screaming]: You forgot Poland.


Thus, the phrase "You Forgot Poland" becomes imbedded in popular culture and is now showing up in comedy routines everywhere. An obvious attempt to divert attention away from the main point which you've just been zinged with. It is roughly equivalent to Look A Monkey On A Bike or You Look Great in that Dress.

Years from now there will be another Presidential debate, and there will be an exchange like this:


Democrat: The President has never fully explained to the American People why we needed to drop nuclear bombs on Iran, Korean, Aruba, and the Republic of Quebec...
Republican[screaming]: You Forgot Poland!

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Live from New York

NEW YORK - All eyes will be on Ashlee Simpson Monday as the American pop singer tackles another televised live singing performance, two days after a botched appearance on Saturday Night Live.

Simpson sang her hit Pieces of Me without a hitch on the live comedy sketch show Saturday night.

However, when she returned for a second song, she was holding the microphone at her waist when strains of her singing Pieces of Me could be heard again over her band's playing.
The stray vocal track was quickly silenced while Simpson stood looking confused, attempted a few dance moves and then left the stage. The show then cut to a commercial...


Boy did she ever look confused. First she steals Jessica's drum loops. Now this. That family has some problems.

It was riveting to be a witness to history. Years from now, annoying kids will ask me, Hey, ass-clown, tell us about the great Ashley Simpson lip-syncing scandal of 20 odd 4. And I'll plug in my digital voice box and say, "It was a crisp Saturday night in October...blah blah blah...she was wearing a dress right out of the 70's blah blah blah" A few hours later they'll unplug me, put me back in my cryogenic unit, and throw things at my head and make Ebonics slurs.

This incident has clearly shaken my faith in the craftsmanship involved in this musical genre, which up until now has been both professional and dignified.
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Stampeders Near Win Marred

Never a dull moment with the Stampeders...

The Globe and Mail reports that the Calgary Stampeders have filed a protest with the Canadian Football League, saying game officials robbed them of a win last Friday and directed a racial slur at receiver Nik Lewis.

According to a report in Sunday's Calgary Sun, Stampeders receiver Nikolas Lewis claims a CFL official directed a racial slur toward him after the Stampeders lost a 19-17 game to the B.C. Lions on Friday.

Lewis told the Sun that during an on-field scrum at the conclusion of the game, the official said ''Get off the field, I don't understand Ebonics.''

The CBC quotes a story in the Globe & Mail based on a report in the Calgary Sun. That's more convoluted than the trick play the Stampeders tried to pull on the last play of the game.

But that was one slick trick play. We did'nt think Dunnigan had a play like that. You pass to a receiver, he boots the ball downfield, and another guy runs like crazy recovers the ball and runs into the end zone.

But unfortunately the referees did'nt understand the play and negated it with a penalty. So much for your 5th win of the year.

The Referee who blew the call and made the racial slur issued an apology:

First of all, I wish to apologize for the comment I made at the end of the game. I realize now they were unprofessional and just plain wrong. Holy shizzle, my nizzle! Did yizzle see da home-bizzle get kizzled? He hustlin for sho. I say why you all up in my grill yo? Get off da crib dawg.


Links:
The CFL Referees Official Site
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Eskimos Crushing Loss

While perusing media reports after the Edmonton Eskimos blew a big stinky one in Regina on Saturday, I noticed the repetitive use of the following words: crushed, manhandled, awful, implosion, eruption, weird, ugly, and thumped. The words I used were in the same vein but had somewhat more color and vigour.

Some of you wrote to point out that I wrote a parody of the Calgary Stampeders on a Weekend when the Stampeders had their best game ever and the Edmonton Eskimos blew the aformentioned wet fart.

At press time it was the Stampeders who were heavily favoured to be the ones eating crap while the Eskimos had more than favourable odds to beat Regina. Regrettably, we went with our gut instead of waiting for the results.

These things happen much to the chagrin of important media people like me. Imagine you're the publisher of the Chigaco Daily Tribune in 1948 and you wake up to find out that Thomas Dewey did not beat Harry Truman after all. That has got to hurt.

Well I've met with all our researchers, interns and divisional editors - across all our divisions - and I've expressed my disappointment that we got this one so wrong. We all agreed that we have to do better for you the reader in the future. Otherwise we run the risk of you not believing anything we say and we can't have that because we perform a critical service to the community.

You Calgary Stampeder fans can take comfort in knowing that in the last Stampeders game of the season there is a very real possibility that the outcome could decide whether the Edmonton Eskimos miss the playoffs for the first time in about 30 years.

If that happens we assure you we will cover it with fair minded dignity and balance.
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Best Song Ever

Best Song Ever

Wondering Where the Lions Are

Sun's up, uh huh, looks okay
The world survives into another day
And I'm thinking about eternity
Some kind of ecstasy got a hold on me
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Wreck of the Stampeders

Its bitter cold in Calgary today. The chilly wind is untypical of the post-Thanksgiving pre-Halloween period, yet not entirely unexpected. While that wind was blowing through me and I was thinking over my upcoming prostate exam, I could'nt help but think of that classic Gordon Lightfoot song The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

I had a friend, ironically named Ed, who insisted it was The Wreck of the Edgar Fitzsimmon and could not be convinced otherwise. I realized that in order to let him be the man he needed to be I had to stop arguing about it.

Anyway, around the same time this song popped into my head I looked over the hill and saw that the Calgary Stampeders were playing a home game against the Argos. Well, that Stadium certainly looked empty. A little demoralized are we folks? Next time some carpet-bagger wants to buy your team just say no.

So I started singing to myself and oops...

The legend lives on from McMahon on down
Of the big team they call the Stampeders
The team it is said, always rolls over dead
When the skies of October turn gloomy.

With a load of bad press, the Herald and more
Than their morale could possibly cope with
That broken team quite blue was a bone to be chewed
When the gales of October came early

The team had no pride after the labor day slide
Coming back from some drilling in Edmonton
As disasters all go it was bigger than most
With no chance of redeeming the season.

The wind in the stands made a tattletale sound
As the Ball came over their goal-line
And every man knew, as Dunnigan did, too,
T'Was the witch of October come stealing.

Does anyone know where the love of God goes
When turnovers turn the minutes to hours
Brian Williams had to say, they'd had victory today
If they'd left 15 penalties behind them.

The legend lives on from McMahon on down
Of the big team the call the Stampeders
The Stampeders they say, always roll over dead
When the gales of October come early.


Ok, enough already. Stop it. Yeah, I know Edmonton does'nt rhyme with Wisconsin. Its the rhythm that counts, you got to have the rhythm. And i got the rhythm, there's no doubt about that.

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Hamster Alert

OTTAWA (CBC) - Some hamster owners in British Columbia, the Prairies and northwestern Ontario are being asked to contact their doctors. The Public Health Agency of Canada is worried because some animals from a pet distributor in Manitoba have tested positive for Type B tularemia, a bacterial infection that can be transmitted to humans from rodents.

Thats what its come to then. While other Western nations struggle with the complex issues of Terrorism and War, the Canadian Government is issuing Hamster Alerts.

By the way, just how would the Government know you are a hamster owner? Be very afraid of this. Sure, they start out saying they just want a Hamster registry for "public health" reasons, but sooner or later, as history shows, the Government will come to take your sick Hamster away.

Democracy and Freedom can only be protected by well informed Citizens who know their rights. If the cops come to your door to hassle you for know reason I think they should be just a little afraid that you might have a sick Hamster. Only then will they think twice about being jack-booted thugs.

...

Dear Sirs,
I am greatly honored at being awarded the Nobel Prize. Unfortunately, I cannot travel to Oslo at this time as we have a sick Hamster in our home. With Hamster ownership rights currently under seige, we do not feel this is a safe time for us to travel. I had planned on sending my sister in my place, but her face is all swollen with what we at first thought was tularemia, but it turned out, get this...

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Free Smokes and Beers and Chicks

Free smokes and beers for anyone who shows up and does what they're told.

Details Here

Discretion please.
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Blog Live Coverage

Weeeere Back. I'm Brian Williams. Folks those last few posts were simply outstanding. By far the best I have ever seen and I've been at this a while. You won't want to miss the blogs coming up and not only that, up coming we'll have more on the Global Crouton, a new Survivor show, and an indepth special on how we spent our summer vacation. Back after this.

[akward tv pause]

Oh, sorry, I am this. Well anyway just hang on.



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Painting of the Month

Composition 7 by Wassily Kandinsky (1866-1944). I love this guy's paintings.

Wassily Kandinsky was one of the most original and influential artists of the twentieth-century. His "inner necessity" to express his emotional perceptions led to the development of an abstract style of painting that was based on the non-representational properties of color and form. Kandinsky's compositions were the culmination of his efforts to create a "pure painting" that would provide the same emotional power as a musical composition. The exhibition "Kandinsky: Compositions", organized by Magdalena Dabrowski and on display at the Los Angeles County Art Museum until September 3, 1995, presents these monumental works together for the first and possibly last time and provides an opportunity to witness the creative process of Kandinsky.

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Poll of The Week

Do These Pants Make Me Look Fat?
	No, the Fat Makes You Look Fat
	God Yes. Yes. Oh God Yes.
	I Love You Unconditionally
	Look! A Monkey on a Bike
Free polls from Pollhost.com

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Election Theme Song

I got that Joe Jackson song from the 80's stuck in my head and then I remembered that there was a provincial "election" coming up. Thus, a new theme song for the election:

Pretty women out walking with rednecks down my street
From my window I'm staring while my survey grows cold
Look over there! (Where?)
There's a liberal that I used to know
She's angry now a wing nut, or something, so I am told

Is she really going to vote for him?
Is she really gonna give him four more years?
Is she really going to vote for him?
'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me,
There's something going wrong around here

Tonight's the night for nomination meetings on my street.
They give me smokes and beer and tell me I'm real cool
Look over there!
(Where?) Here comes Jeanie with her signed up friends
They say that brains don't count for much
If so, there goes your proof

Is she really going to vote for Ralph?
Is she really gonna give him four more years?
Is she really going to vote for Ralph?
'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me,
There's something going wrong around here

Is she really going to waste a vote
Is she really gonna give them four more years?
Is she really going to waste a vote
'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me,
There's something going wrong around here

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Warning

In the inbox today....

Dear Sirs,

We are the lawyers representing Brian Williams, CBC Sports Broadcaster. We are hereby demanding that you cease and desist in mockery, satire, sarcasm or hyperbole relating to Brian Williams. We will be sending you a more detailed letter in just a moment explaining our further actions should you not comply. You won't want to miss that.

Regards,

Jackie Jang QC
Jang, Chang, Chang and Kang

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Our Poll of the Week

At What Age Should Girls Start Wearing Make-up
	Three Months
	25
	Depends on how ugly
	Never
Free polls from Pollhost.com

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Twinkie Q and A

Twinkie Q&A

Q: Is it true that the maker of Twinkies is going out of business?
A: Yes

KANSAS CITY, MO. - Interstate Bakeries, the U.S. maker of Twinkies and Wonder Bread, filed for bankruptcy protection early Wednesday, toasting [ed. nice pun] its stockholders in the process.

Q: What to they mean by the Twinkie Defense?

A:

In 1978, Dan White, a former San Francisco city supervisor who had recently resigned his position, entered San Francisco City Hall through a basement window, went upstairs, and shot and killed Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk.

Psychiatrist Martin Blinder testified in court that White had been depressed, which led to eating junk food: Twinkies and Coca-Cola. This further deepened White's depression, since he was an ex-athlete and knew that the food was not good for him. This was evidence of his depression that prompted his murder spree. This celebrated diagnosis became known as the "Twinkie defense."

White's depression was used to establish grounds for a successful diminished capacity plea; and therefore White was judged incapable of the premeditation required for a murder conviction.

Dan White was convicted of the lesser charge of voluntary manslaughter and sentenced to was sentenced to seven years and eight months in prison.

Q: Will I still be able to get Twinkies?
A: Yes. The Canadian Manufacturer is unaffected.

Q: What is Twinkie really slang for?
A: Good looking gay men.

Q: Is there someplace I can get Twinkie Recipes, like Twinky Casseroles for example?
A: Yes. http://www.twinkies.com/recipebox/index.asp

Q: Why is Twinkie not spelled Twinky.
A: Copyright stuff. Please recommend this post

A Couple of Songs

A couple of songs I can't get out of my head

In honor of the Finnish Hockey Team and their Silver Medal

finland.mp3 (364k)

George Bush covering John Lennon and Lou Reed

bush_imagine.mp3 (2,815k) Please recommend this post

Robin Williams On Golf

Hilarious little video clip with Robin Williams explaining how the Scots invented Golf

robin_golf_128.wmv (1.7 mb)

You may want to send the kids out of the room when you play this because he drops a lot of F's. And we know that the kids are'nt that bright because they walk around all day repeating every stupid thing they hear.
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Um...Er...Liverpool?

From Harpers Index for August 2004:

Percentage of Britons who cannot name the city that provides the setting for the Musical Chicago : 65

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Village Idiot Required

With the shamefully self-praising announcement from Provincial Treasurer Pat Nelson that she will not seek re-election, the Alberta Progressive Conservatives who have been in power since 1972, will have to name a new Provincial Treasurer next year. We realize this is a hard position to fill given the previous stellar occupants.

In order to help our glorious leader, we have written a career ad which will surely attract the right candidate. This ad should run in the Calgary Sun for at least one week.

Provincial Treasurer required. Must be able to prepare an annual budget and stick to it within a tight tolerance of 5 to 10 billion dollars. Must be able to give a 90 minute self glorifying budget speech without mentioning a single real number. Must be able to explain sudden and unexpected, yet annual, multi billion dollar budget overages, by constantly just repeating key phrases like out of control, spiraling costs, and the favourite unsustainable. Must be able take absolute credit for high oil and gas prices, but blame anyone else for low oil and gas prices.

No experience with financial management or accounting is required.
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Former Executive Found Frozen

A sad story, but not without some irony.

SEVIERVILLE, Tennessee (AP) -- A retired Sara Lee executive missing since he met with a couple about buying his sport utility vehicle was found dead Thursday, frozen in a rented storage unit. The couple was arrested in what federal authorities believe was a bungled carjacking.

Police say James Cockman may have suffocated when duct tape was placed over his mouth.

Good detective work boys.

Frozen Sara Lee executives are a convenient and tasty treat. And soo easy to make. Just pop the frozen executive in a microwave oven for 3 to 6 minutes and you will have delicious dessert. Just like Mom used to make.
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Duffed at the Dome

Hilary Duff played to a sellout crowd at the Saddledome last night. By sellout we mean all available tickets were sold. A smashing review by the Calgary Herald notes that Hilary Duff does not have to dress slutty because her music is good."

Expect some crossover coverage on the Global Crouton. Why can't you dress slutty and have good music? You could go blind just thinking about something like that. The crowd consisted mostly of young women accompanied by their parents or older male friends.

Meanwhile, in other Music News:

Fred Ebb, who wrote the lyrics for such hit Broadway musicals as Chicago and Cabaret as well as the big-city anthem New York, New York, has died of a heart attack.

...shortly after watching the Movie version of Chicago...

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Alberta Leads the Way

This sounds like a great Alberta Heritage Moment...

EXETER, England (Reuters) -- Muppets Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker defeated Dr. Strangelove, Dana Scully of "X Files" fame and Star Trek's Mr. Spock to be voted Britain's favorite screen scientists on Monday. They beat their closest rival by a margin of 2 to 1 and won 33 percent of the 43,000 votes
cast in an Internet poll.

Dr. Honeydew and Beaker went on to become science consultants for the Alberta Goverment and were instrumental in drafting the Goverment's Kyoto Treaty policies.

http://www.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/TV/09/05/muppets.scientist.reut/index.html
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Olsen Twins Doubtful

With the NHL Season in doubt, the future of the Olsen Twins seems uncertain also. While still Vancouver's GM Bryan Burke signed Mary-Kate and Ashley to an unprecedented multi-year deal. Burke described them as "...hard-hitting gritty one two punch, typical Canuck power forwards. " But with Mary-Kate disclosing an eating disorder it seems unlikely that both twins will hit the Vancouver training camp in game shape, and the contract may be in jeopardy.

Hockey analysts point out that the pair are much less effective when separated. While playing last year in the Hollowood Junior Hockey League's FayWray Wrackers, Ashley was out for 5 weeks with a broken collar bone. During that time Mary-Kate racked up an uncharacteristic 269 penalty minutes and sank to a -20 plus/minus.

Tension between the Canucks and Oilers GM Kevin Lowe heated up when Lowe described the Olsen Twins as "emaciated little girls...former child actors..." Burke fired back saying Lowe knew "...next to nothing about drafting a hockey team." Then called him a "foamy mouthed hyperbolist" who engages in "inflated, gaseous lie fuelled rhetoric".
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I'm Brian Williams Forever

...great news folks. I have just come back from an in-depth meeting with my bosses over at CBC sports and I have signed a new contract. Folks you will not believe this deal. Trust me, you'll want to hear about this new contract. We'll be back with that in just a moment.

Welcome back. I told you I would tell you about my new contract and now I'm doing that in just a moment, probably in the next sentence. Ok. I will be hosting the CBC's Olympic coverage for the next 12 Olympic Games. Yes you heard that correctly the next 12 games. For you math buffs that will take us through the year 2032. Hats of to the CBC for making such a great decision. I'll tell you more about that in just a moment.

In just a few moments an in depth analysis of my my personal schedule for the next 12 Olympic games. Not to be missed.

We'll be back after this Viagra commercial. I also have a whole new set of hand gestures that I'm sure you will like. Back after this.
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Swedish Moose Problem

According to the Swedish Public Broadcaster, Sweden has the largest Moose population of any country. Of course, this is not saying much, since most countries south of the 60th parallel, like Somalia for example, don't have any Moose at all.

(It could be that Somalia does have Moose. It could be that we just don't hear about that a lot. Someone ought to suggest this a topic for Global Crouton Sunday. )

This is somewhat disconcerting to the average Canadian who looks at their Quarters and thinks Canada is the Moose's ass. I know Canadians think about this issue a lot.

Apparently the Swedish Mooses, teeming as they are, eat bark off the young Swedish Pine Trees causing big piss offs for the logging executives. Sweden is also teeming with logging executives.

And then there is the darker side of Ikea, where they don't see a young Pine Tree but a closet organizer.

Its all leading to a clash between the Swedish Mooses' supporters and the Swedish Mooses' support not so much people.

Amazing what you learn through insomnia.
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Former Priest Takes Gold

Former Catholic Priest Neil Horan (left) disrupted the Olympic Men's Marathon event by pushing Brazilian runner Venderlei de Lima into the crowd. This cost di Lima the Gold Medal.

Horan went on to win the Gold Medal in the Men's Individual Asshole event. This marked the first time Ireland has won a medal in the Men's Individual Asshole event.

Horan came out of nowhere to win the event, beating out the heavily favoured the Canadian guy who jumped into the swimming pool, who took the Silver Medal. The Bronze was awarded to a local favourite the Greek Guy who faked a motorcycle accident to avoid a drug test.



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Become a Fiver

Become a Fiver and contribute comments and posts to this Blog.

To Qualify as a Regular Fiver please email me with your name and a valid email address.

To become a Premium Fiver you must register as a Regular Fiver but you must be single, female, and between the ages of 17 and 25.
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Kubler-Ross Dead (Possibly)

02:00 PM
Its been all over the news today that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross had died. I don't see how this could possibly be true, she is only 78 years old and in good health. I imagine there are a lot of women named Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. It can't be THE Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. I hate it when the media makes mistakes like this.

04:00 PM
Ok this is really making me angry. What business does a loving God have in taking someone like Elizabeth Kubler-Ross? What could possible be the purpose in this? I hate God.

08:30 PM
I promise that if Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is alive that I'll become a better person. I'll do anything. Please just let her be alive.

10:00 PM
God, I'm so depressed. I can't read any more media stories about this. I can't even get out of bed. It's just too sad.

03:00 AM
Ok. She's dead. Big spike in the book sales I'm thinking.


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John The Baptist Was Here

Apparently, John the Baptist had a nice cave out in the country. It was modest, but a nice getaway cave.

It is believed that JB may have performed some of his rituals there, such as Baptism and Foot Washing.

An archaologist named Shimon Gibson unearthed the cave and now believes this proves conclusively that the New Testament accounts of JB are completely accurate.

Other biblical archeologists dispute the conclusion saying that it "over-reaches" and that Gibson has a reputation for "hyperbole".

http://www.cbc.ca/story/arts/national/2004/08/16/Arts/bapcave040816.html
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Help Me

Help Me!

I've Been Stolen.

I'm in the back of an Audi A6 with a very spacious cargo bay.

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Best Catwoman

Who is the best Catwoman ever?

Julie Newmar? Eartha Kitt? Halle Berry?

I'm so sick and tired of the media asking the wrong questions all the time.

The real question is why did they replace Julie Newmar with Eartha Kitt? There is some story there we are just not being told.

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The Screamer walks away

Norway's most famous painting the Screamer by Edvard Munch, was stolen from an Oslo Art Gallery. The thieves walked into the gallery and simply took the painting without any resistance.

A witnesse told police that the thieves fled in a black Audi A6. The Audi A6 comes with a six speed manual transmission or a 5 speed automatic with overdrive. It was unclear at the time whether the Audi had the automatic or standard transmission.

Had the Oslo police tried to pursue the thieves, they would have found out that the A6 comes equipped with a 220hp 3.0 Litre engine.

Ironically, the A6 comes standard equipped with one of the best anti-theft technologies in cars of its class. After all you would not want to find your A6 missing while standing on the curb with the Screamer in your hand.

How thrilling it must have been for the thieves to listen to news reports about the theft on the A6's 80 Watt Concert style AM-FM stereo, with a CD changer and six speakers.

A classic piece of Art ought to be transported in something like the A6 with its automatic climate control, sun sensors and dust and pollen filters. All standard features.

As the thieves careened down those Oslo side streets the A6's Xenon high intensity headlights with automatic self-levelling technology made it easy to avoid the police.

Oslo police say they currently have nothing to go on to solve this crime, and that the Audi A6 price and features differ greatly between Norway and Canada.
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Worst Movie Ever

Its official.
The Five of Five worst movie ever poll has closed and the result tabulated.

You the readers have overwhelmingly voted Chicago the worst movie ever.

Once again. Chicago. Worst movie ever.
Please recommend this post

You won't want to miss that

Welcome back to Athens and more Olympic coverage, I'm Brian Williams. Folks, as I was driving into the studio today I could'nt help but notice that the roads here in Greece were mostly black with some white markings. The markings were fairly thin, about 3 or 4 inches wide, going down the middle of the road, and you can't help wondering what those are there for. I talked with some Greek people in depth about their black roads and the white stripes and we'll air that later. I guarantee you won't want to miss that. I'm Brian Williams.
...
I'm Brian Williams. You should see the orange colored lamp on the desk in my hotel room near the bed. Folks, I've never seen anything like it. It probably has a 75 Watt bulb or it could be a 100 Watt bulb it really depends a lot on how you rate that kind of thing. Later I'll talk to the men's beach volleyball team about the lamps in their rooms. You won't want to miss that. I'm Brian Williams.
...
Welcome back, I'm Brian Williams. Folks you would not believe this desk I'm sitting behind. More on that later. You won't want to miss that. Now lets go to the swimming pool. I want you to notice how clear and blue that water is. They tell me the blue is because of the way the light hits the water. Amazing. Its absolutely essential for the Canadian swimmers to understand this. Later I go poolside for an in depth interview with the 10 metre diving platform. You won't want to miss that. I'm Brian Williams.
...
Welcome back. Folks you should know that for security reasons they've closed the whole air-space around Athens but in a late breaking controversy it seems they did not inform the officials over at the women trampoline event. Women bouncing in an out of the restricted air space put the Nato force here on high alert several times. We'll be covering that in a few moments and you won't want to miss that. I'm Brian Williams.
...
I'm Brian Williams. You know I've covered 11 Olympic games for the CBC, and quite well I might add, and later I will have a full feature interview with myself. You won't want to miss that. Think of it though folks, 11 Olympic games with the same tie and the same underwear. I'm Brian Williams.
Please recommend this post

Speaking of Judo History...

Describing a book on Judo, Chapters.ca writes:

Judo, a martial arts form which originated in Europe, has spread to being
incredibly popular throughout the world...

Europe? Judo originated in Europe?

And so I'm like 'that's a mistake in your discription, Judo originated in Japan. Big asian country. Not near Europe. Not a synononym for Europe. And there like Oh no thats Ok, thats what the publisher gave us as a description...and I'm like NAAOOOOO the Japanese book was published in Japan by a Japanese publisher who would never say Judo originated in Europe and they're like Its not our fault and I'm like can't you just fix it and they're like WHO ARE YOU. And I'm like I have one of those Chapter's cards and I happen to know where Japan is on a globe. And they're like so...well we can't fix it.

How stupid would you feel if you had made a big issue and then found out that Japan was in Europe.

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Amélie Update

Amélie Mauresmo once again won the Roger's Cup in Montreal. No one believed me when I said she would be the number one seed eventually. Now who is laughing. In order to get to the finals she had to overcome a gang of determined Russian girls with wicked shots. But calmness of mind and clarity of purpose prevailed.

Before I continue, I should disclose that our editorial committee has just finished a set of guidelines for how we write about female professional athletes.

* Descriptions should reflect the professionalism and accomplishment of the women athletes.
* Avoid phrases like strapping girls or bitches with racquets.
* Pictures should be selected showing the women engaged in their sport not languishing in sweaty girly poses.

Of course the Globe & Mail solves this problem by not using any adjectives at all to describe the female tennis players. They quake in their boots at the thought of those Toronto commy lesbian feminazis writing them letters.
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A Unified Message

What Conservative Politicians say when Liberals don't submit their expense reports properly:

I think Paul Martin should fire him today. I wouldn't give him [Andre Oullette] until next week," said [Conservative MP John] Williams in an interview from his Alberta home.

What Convervative Politicians say to Liberals when asked for their expense reports...

Premier Ralph Klein, appearing before the public accounts committee Wednesday, became irate when asked for receipts for a golf trip, and got into a verbal scuffle with a Liberal MLA. Klein took offence to the receipt request, demanding to know whether MLA Laurie Blakeman was calling him a liar.

Klein: "Is the honourable member suggesting I am lying?"
Blakeman: "No, sir, I am just asking for the document."
Klein: "Oh, why would you ask for the document if you are not suggesting I am lying?"
Blakeman: "Because this is the public accounts committee, sir, and we can ask for that kind of information."
Klein: "Oh, I see. In other words, you're saying you won't take my word for it. I want to know if she's calling me a liar. She doesn't believe me."

Blakeman tried to respond, but Klein cut her off three times, repeating: "You don't believe me."

No. No. No.

Thanks guys, for all your hard work in earning the public's trust.

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Dar Steps Down on Slow News Day

In a dramatic twist of events Dar Heatherington delivered her resignation to the Lethbridge City Council giving a defiant and dramatic speech.

The A-Channel pre-empted regular dramatic local news and dramatic weather, describing it as "a dramatic turn of events in this saga". Who the hell writes their stuff anyway. The Iliad was a saga. Seinfeld was a saga. This was a lurid tabloid story. A year from now they'll have stupid teasers: "it was a year ago today that Dar Heatherington issued her dramatic resignation. Join us at 11:00 for a dramatic 3 hour dramatic retrospective...". I think they were auditioning for Celebrity Justice. Normally I like Blonds.

The Sun will have a true crime pullout linking Dar to Liberal Corruption and Quebec Seperatism.

God knows what the nuts at Global will do. I don't even want to know. Probably a commemorative DVD.

Without the burden of being a full time politician, Dar indicates she will work full time and tirelessly to clear her name. She sort of has to say that. Spectacular. She'll be just like The Fugitive. Racing from town to town, always getting cryptic clues, but always one step behind the shadowy mysterious man who kidnapped her and took her to Las Vegas. And for what?

Maybe if she wraps it up early she could help OJ find the real killers.

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Songs of the week

Topping the list are Alanis Morisette's One Hand in My Pocket and Sheryl Crow's Hole in My Pocket.

Mandy Moore is competitive with the heady moody In My Pocket.

Then Richard Marx gets metaphorical with Hands In Your Pocket.

The Moffats get all Christmassy with Santa Left a Hole In Daddy's Pocket.

Loretta Lynn proves that classic country is not out of the race with the trailer park weepy Deep as Your Pocket.

Iggy Pop makes it interesting with an ode to self love - title unpublishable. Suffice to say it is a rather vivid extension combining Alanis' and Sheryl Crow's titles. He's got one hand in his pocket all right.

Dean Martin, with a cigarette in one hand and a cocktail in the other, was somewhat more constrained, but nonetheless came up with the understated sobering classic Money Burns a Hole in My Pocket. Not one of his best, but it is about a pocket.
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Tobacco Terrorism

In a scam as old as...energy rebates...thieves are stealing big semi trucks full of cigarettes.

Of course the tobacco companies blame this phenomena on the high taxes on cigarettes. I think they're on to something. If you could get the sales taxes off tobacco, people would stop stealing the cigarettes and we could get those smokes back in the hands of the sixteen year olds where they belong.

Anyway, you really need to keep your eyes open. This kind of crime really requires organization. You need someone who knows how to drive a really big truck. RCMP warn the public to be on the lookout for middle eastern men who enquire about learning how to drive a semi but not how to load one.

In light of these disturbing trends our tobacco terror color-coded alert has been raised from finger-yellow to bleeding lung watermelon.
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Trump Bankrupts 3 Casinos

Thanks for coming in Donald, please have a seat. No, over there. Farther. First, let's just go over the Casino business model one more time Donald, because I feel you're not getting it. You have an unlimited supply of the world's dumbest people who come into your place with wadloads of cash to spend on games of chance that are rigged 80/20 in your favour. Many of these people, I should point out, have addictions to gambling or at the very least poor judgement. Anyway Donald, do you see any way that we should not be rolling in big piles of money at the end of every day. Donald, there's no easy way to say this. We did not hire you to turn money into[?]. We did not hire you to [?] up a sure thing. How did you bankrupt three casinos Donald? How? Never mind you're fired. You are fired. And for God sakes do something about that hair, that thing looks like a [?] muskrat. Get out.
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Sun Media Surprising No One

Congratulations to Nicolas Gill for being selected as the Canadian Team's Flag Bearer at the Athens Olympic Games. This is great for the sport of Judo which benefits from much needed exposure. Gill, who already has two Olympic silver medals, along with numerous other international wins, will no doubt pull off a few of his mind-boggling techniques to win another medal, maybe gold.

Nicolas Gill is from Montreal, a bilingual Francophone, and very popular in Quebec. Almost immediately after the announcement, Sun Media went into attack mode, criticizing the choice of Gill because he was a Quebecer and had once, years ago, said he voted Yes in one of the referendums on independence.

The Sun Media articles were just plain mean. They had nothing to do with Sports, Judo, the Olympics, or anything important. They were trying to create a wedge issue based on politics and identity. Sun Media thinks you are stupid by expecting you to believe Nicolas Gill is not a good enough Canadian to carry the flag. Why did a simple sports story get handed to a bigot to write?

You can bet that the Sun Media reporters will be all over the Olympic Village and the various ceremonies looking for Quebec flags, ready to expose those who have them as un-Canadian or ungrateful or whatever.

Further reading:

CBC's original story
Cyberpresse in Quebec
Sun Media hate literature
Globe & Mail
Brief history of Judo
Rosie Dimanno of the Toronto Star gets it

Update: Not surprising the Sun Media link is broken. It seems they deleted or moved this story on their web site. We will have one of our interns try to track down the correct link.
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Corporate Shame

Molson and Coors have agreed to merge, finally consumating a year or two of longing glances. After a frenzied and writhing implementation of the merger, they will both now just sort of roll over and go to sleep for awhile. It was probably not nearly as good as they thought it would be.

The name of the new corporation will be baaaaraaaapppp. Previously, merger talks between Molson and Mattell broke down for undisclosed reasons. The two companies were working on cross-marketing ideas but could not come to an agreement. One idea was a deluxe version of the Easy Bake Oven which would include a Pizza Oven and a Micro-Brewery. Another idea was a new line of Barbies called Cougar Barbie Lounge Lizard. It could not have turned out well.

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Ignorant Males

This is a fairly good discussion about men who don't talk enough to their spouses or listen to them. Of course it is not really a scientific explanation, and is more than a little bitchy. (Woah dude, that's sexist). It turns out - get this - that women benefit from having good women friends to talk to to make for the lack of blah blah blah from their men.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/viewpoint/vp_binks/20040716.html
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West Bank News

The Palestinian Prime Minister withdrew his resignation today, which had previously not been accepted by Chairman Arafat. Arafat however, did accept the withdrawal of the unaccepted resignation. The PM said that he had not decided whether to accept the acceptance the withdrawal of the unaccepted resignation, but said that he tentatively accepted an offer to think about it. A spokesperson for Arafat, late monday, explained that there really was no offer to think about the acceptance of the acceptance of the withdrawal of the unaccepted resignation. Then, the PM, in a heated exchange with a group of pharmacists, announced that he was now rejecting the idea of thinking about Arafat's offer to accept the decision to reject the unaccepted resignation, but added that he would go ahead and accept it, for now, without thinking about it too much. Arafat has not yet indicated whether he will accept the decision to not think about the acceptance of the acceptance of the original rejection, but did indicate he currently has no plans to object. Thus, the Palestinian authority was plunged into chaos and paralysis, according to the Palestinian security chief. He was quickly corrected by an Arafat spokesman who pointed out that it was mostly plunging into paralysis and was holding off on chaos while an evaluation could be done.

Meanwhile, a new terrorist faction calling itself the Palestinian Liberation Against the Rejection of the Offer to think About the Acceptance Front, or, the PLAROAAF, kidnapped two members of the Palestinian Pharmacy Association. The shadowy group indicated that they would probably be issuing a set of release demands but had not decided on the wording, or would just release the hostages without any demands if the demands could not be summed up in under 100 words.
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Workers Rights

MONTREAL - A food inspector in Montreal who was told last week to stop wearing a dress to work sported a new fashion accessory when he showed up for duty on the weekend – a long, dark wig. Patrick Le Lann began wearing women's clothing to work to protest against what he calls the city's discriminatory retirement regulations. Women employees can retire after 25 years of service, while men need 30 years to receive full pension benefits.

And so ends one man's dream of becoming the leader of the Conservative Party of Canada.

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Cause they're purdy?

In this months issue of Scientific American online, they finally answer the question that dared not speak its name for so long. Why do men have nipples?

I think their conclusions will help with any underlying conflicts.

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Errata

In a previous post we erroneously reported that a repeat offender had 63 offences when in fact it was 66. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. This type of sloppiness could really affect a person's reputation, and we are absolutely ashamed and remorseful for misleading our reader(s).
Please recommend this post

Mimes Persecuted

Beloved French Mime Marcel Marceau, during a rare performance, points to something and makes a funny face. It was widely reported that this gesture was a criticism of George Bush and American Foreign Policy in Iraq. Marceau was immediately outed as a traitor on the Drudge Report and a boycott of French Miming is now gathering steam. A new Web site called http://www.killfrenchymimes.org received a billion hits within a few minutes of launching.  The Reverend Jerry Falwell referred to Marceau as "unamerican" and is organizing a 15 city mass burning of his cd's and records.

First they came for the Dixie Chicks, but i was not a country fan so I did not speak out.
Then they came for Martha Stewart, but I was not a home decorator, so I did not speak out.
Then they came for Whoopi Goldberg, but I was thin so I said nothing.
Then they came for Linda Rondstat, but I don't like Spanish-American-Swedish 1970's soft pop divas, so I did not speak out.
Finally they came for me, but only the Mimes were left.

Please recommend this post

Summer Reading

Iris Murdoch, A Fairly Honorable Defeat
I had to read one of her novels because the movie Iris about Iris Murdoch's life (with Kate Winslet and Judy Dench) made me cry like one of those girly boys that the Governor of Caleefourneeyah hates so much.

Naomi Klein, No Logo
A scary book about advertising and globalism, written by the only decent writer ever to appear in the Globe & Mail.

Arthur Herman, How the Scots Invented the Modern World.
Laddy seems pretty sure the Scots invented everything good. It is thoroughly revisionist but who said history has to be accurate. It just has to be interesting. Besides, the Scots invented written history.

And between now and September: NO TECHNICAL BOOKS.

Please recommend this post

Rehabilitation is Imminent

TORONTO - A man police believe is at a high risk to reoffend was released from an Ontario prison Tuesday. [Loser], 31, has 63 prior convictions, including sexual assault, forcible confinement, assault and arson. He has spent 15 of the past 17 years in custody.

Later that day...

TORONTO - An Ontario man with 63 criminal convictions who is believed highly likely to commit more violent acts was charged with two new offences Wednesday. [Loser] was charged with breaching a recognizance and uttering death threats against a reporter one day after his release from prison led police to issue a rare public safety alert.

Its like a bad episode of Friends that just goes on and on and on and nobody will put a stop to it because there are certain people the Justice System just can't do anything for because they are incurably sociopathic but don't worry about those of us who have to lay awake and worry about our dog being raped or our sheds being burned down no problem just keep letting [Loser] out every two years yeah let him out no worries or maybe just stop charging him with stuff cause you know he just is not getting the social contract so what's the point hey I know just let him go for good, yeah, a new category of criminals that we never charge with anything again after say...50 offenses cause really whats the point its not working right and we could better use our resources on people who really appreciate the effort we put into arresting them and act like they're actually going to be sorry for their screwed up lives or whatever and another thing ... [GASP] ... [CLUNK]
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Focus on the Family

OSHAWA, Ont. - A nine-month prison sentence for an Ontario couple who subjected their adopted sons to 13 years of abuse was met with outrage yesterday after a judge ruled that punishments including keeping the boys locked in cages were the result of "general good intentions."

Outrage? Really. How quaint. I would have hated to be those kids if their parents had general bad intentions. I'd be willing to bet Ontario has more hillbillies than Alberta, though not by much. Maybe not total Hillbillies, but certainly per capita Hillbillies, that's all I'm saying. [Cue duelling banjos]

The important thing to remember is that incidents like these have nothing to do with the Common Sense Revolution or the firing of 6000 Social Workers. Please recommend this post

Star Trek Dialog of the Week

Doctor: Your hippocampus is severely agitated.
Seven of Nine: What does that mean?

What that means is bad script writing.  Why the hell would a writer have a character with superior intelligence just go "HUH?".   Seven is pretty smart. She learned a lot as part of the Borg collective. (Although she did marry poorly later on.) She would never say "huh?".

Rejected scene, episode #324-a
We are the Borg.  You will be...hang on...hey, whats that big word we use when we take species over...
I don't know...
You will be exonerated...resistance is...
Hey, I'm pretty sure its not exonerated. 
Sure it is. 
It is not it starts with an "A". Abdicated. [Throat clearing]
We are the Borg you will be abdicated. Resistance is futile.
Abdicated? You will be abdicated? That does not even make sense.
Silence. We have the wrong word. Stand by.
Excuse me, Borg leader...
Alien species, do not speak we are looking for the right word.
But I think your looking for the word Assimilated. 
Alien species you are correct. You will be assimilized...assimilated. Sorry. Resistance is futile. [Horrific scenes of assimilation] Okay. Can one of you please write that down for next time. Assimilated.
I feel you should let us go. You can't even remember simple words.
Silence alien species. We have already accordionized you.
And so ends another satire which went on far far too long.



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Headline of the week

as usual from the BBC world news....

Man snaps and 'hits girlfriend with alligator' after beer runs out.

This is a perfect example of a misleading headline. I'll bet you thought that the dude was mad at the girlfriend for running out of beer thus wacking her with the reptile.  Actually, it seems the chick was mad at not having beer which caused her to bite the dude which provoked the wack with the reptile by the dude. It is actually a pretty stupid story. Who knows what really happened.  Maybe they were watching The Passion of the Christ and were motivated to self-flagillation. This may have been embarassing thus leading to a fabrication about the beer, and the subsequent wacking.
 
Is it wrong for me to feel a strange attraction to this woman?
 
Please recommend this post

Al-Qaeda 'dismantled' in Iran

BBC - Iran says it has located and dismantled all branches of the al-Qaeda network in the country. Intelligence minister Ali Yunesi said his ministry had stopped al-Qaeda's terrorist acts, state TV reported.

The Iranian government also announced that they had banned gravity, discovered a vaccine for shortness, and colonized Venus. During a rare press conference to discuss their amazing progress, the Iranian President beat a journalist to death with his left shoe.
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Profile in Courage

HAVANA - Wearing T-shirts calling for "Regime Change in the US – Not in Cuba," members of a U.S. humanitarian group defied U.S. travel restrictions and entered Cuba Saturday to deliver tonnes of desperately needed supplies.
Travelling via Mexico, U.S. members of Pastors for Peace chose to ignore tough new restrictions that limit travel to the Communist-run country knowing they might face prosecution or jail time upon their return home.
That threat did not seem to bother the group's leader, Baptist minister Lucius Walker, who called for an end to the 40-year U.S. embargo against Cuba.
"We know in our hearts and in our heads … that the blockade is immoral, is illegal, is illogical and is unjust," he said.

I shudder to think what BushCo will do to these guys. 
 
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Bad Weather Report

Buffy Montague, our live correspondent in Edmonton, sends this photo, of the Whitemud Freeway, after last Saturday's major hail and rain storm.

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No, really?

OTTAWA - The former director of Canada's intelligence agency admitted Monday that Canada may have relationships with other agencies in countries that engage in torture. Ward Elcock was testifying on the first day of a federal public inquiry into the Maher Arar case.

Yes Ward, we already know that. When Western Democracies want information they can easily sub-contract the interrogation to a country that has no laws against torture. Of course that was before an all new and improved set of leaders came along and removed those silly stigmas attached to torture.

Can you really trust a guy named Ward? ...you're being just a little hard on the Beaver Ward...No, Honey, he needs to learn from his mistakes.  Dropping him off in Syria is just the discipline he needs...

I was disappointed to find out that Maher Arar's wife lost her election try and won't be entering Parliament. I was kind of looking forward to her asking Paul Martin questions about how a Canadian Citizen gets drop shipped into Syria. Of course she would not get an answer anyway, because Steampship Billy knows absolutely nothing about what happened in Government prior to his ascension to the throne.
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Love the Monkey, hate the sin

Washington - An experimental new HIV drug seems to protect monkeys from the infection...

As I keep saying, the only thing that will protect monkeys from HIV is abstinence. How many more monkeys have to die before they realize this. I blame the liberal media, that's who I blame.
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Queer eye for a plea bargain

BURNABY, BC - Former MP Svend Robinson plans to plead guilty to a charge of theft over $5,000 when he appears for trial next month, his lawyer said Thursday. Michael Bolton said his client wants to accept full responsibility for his actions and get the matter over with as quickly as possible...MP Libby Davies, a good friend who sat with him at the April news conference, says Robinson has been working on renovations at his house to occupy his time.

You steal a $50,000 big girly ring, your lawyers name is Michael Bolton, and home decorating. Could there be any more drama?

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Ode to Nora

LONDON - A lascivious letter that James Joyce wrote to his longtime lover and future wife Nora Barnacle sold for approximately $587,000 Cdn at auction Thursday.

Nora Barnacle? I dated this girl named Nora, but she was no Barnacle if you know what I'm saying. Nowadays I suppose she would be Nora Barnacle-Joyce. Its hard to believe that the same guy who wrote Ulysses wrote something lascivious. We used to read Ulysses aloud as a family, especially on Christmas eve. Do people even use the word lascivious anymore?

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressinggown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him on the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned: ...

You'll have go to Project Gutenburg, download your own copy of Ulysses and find out for yourself what stately and plump Buck intoned. And believe me, Buck does intone.
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Money for nothin' degrees for free

EDINBURGH - Rowling receives honorary degree

British author J.K. Rowling joined the 2004 graduating class of Edinburgh University Thursday as the school granted the Harry Potter creator an honorary degree and praised her for making reading "cool."

Rowling announced that the working title of her next Harry Potter book will be Harry Potter and the magic idea of not going to University but still making millions of dollars and then laughing while poor people who did go to university hand you a degree... Seems a little wordy.
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Shooting Fish in a Barrel

Edmonton - A former assistant deputy minister who stole more than $100,000 of taxpayers' money has been given nine months in jail. Ray Reshke, who worked at Alberta Infrastructure, billed it for work worth $106,000, which was never done. He also charged $18,000 in personal expenses on his government credit card.

Looks like somebody fell out of favor with the Inner Circle.

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Zoo locked down after false tiger scare

Calgary - The zoo was locked down for about 90 minutes Wednesday morning after a keeper mistakenly thought all the tigers weren't accounted for. Shortly after the facility opened, one of the keepers told a co-worker that he wasn't sure where all the tigers were. The keeper, who has worked with tigers and bears at the zoo for about 30 years, appeared agitated and confused, zoo officials said.

We suggest that the Zoo take a page out of Homeland Security's highly successful COLOR CODED TERROR ALERT LEVELS, except we would rename it to COLOR CODED TIGERS MAY BE MISSING ALERT LEVELS. Green: All Tigers locked up and sleeping - we guarantee it. Yellow: Do we only have 4 tigers? Pink: Um, no we have 6 tigers. Red: Run.
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Daddy Can't Come to the Phone Right Now

According to Henry Kissinger's phone transcripts, recently made public, Richard Nixon was too drunk to take a phone call from the British Prime Minister. (That can't be right. I read his autobiography and he spent most of his spare time in Prayer.) Apparently there was some major crisis going on somewhere and World leaders were conferring. But Dick was too zipped to come to the phone. That makes me feel real good.

Twenty years from now we'll find out Tony Blair was trying to get a hold of W on some critical issue but he could'nt come to the phone because he was choking on a pretzel or falling off a Seguay, and as a result a whole bunch of people died.
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Letter #5

The Honourable Mr. Murray Smith MLA, Energy Minister

Dear Sir,

Just a little note to let you know how well utility deregulation is going in our little house. I was sitting in Church on Sunday and I thought to myself: Jesus would deregulate. I'm sure of it. After all, when he miraculously fed 5000 people there was no pinko government subsidies involved were there? I think that speaks to me. Anyway, you are so right, this was a fantastic idea and I don't know how to adequately thank you and the Premier. I was glad you ignored all those economists with their fancy degrees and such. Sure my electricity and natural gas are more than twice what they were two years ago but the thing is, they are now delivered to my house by a "free market" instead of those unreliable communists on committees or whatever. Sure, there is only one player in the free market, but I believe you when you say companies will flock to Alberta and drive the price down by undercutting each other. My wife just does'nt get it though. She just bitches about not being able to buy baby food and blah blah blabiggity blah. I keep telling her that there is a price to pay for freedom and that Team Klein is ALWAYS right. but she just gets mad. Anyway, I was wondering if you could see your way clear to just sending her one of your wonderful color brochures about deregulation. (I liked the one with the smiling Seniors wearing nice sweaters.)

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Letter #3

The Honorable Lyle Oberg MLA, Learning Minister

Dear Sir

I heard a rumor that the Teachers were getting uppity again and wanted to let you know. I have an idea. Why not humiliate them with drug testing? I'm sure that there have to be more than a few crack heads in that crowd because many of them are liberals and NDPs. We could really embarass a few of them and then they'll think twice about asking for more money or better working conditions. We need to stop this communism and you're the only one I have confidence in to do that. By the way, I was glad to hear we taxpayers got to send you to Vietnam for 3 weeks to promote Alberta Beef. You sure are good at spending our money wisely unlike those stupid Liberals out east. I was so mad at the CBC for not correctly explaining how your trip helped students. I hope your friend Mr. Harper unplugs those guys.
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Seven of Nine or More

This article shocked and disgusted me. Who would do that to their wife? This guy was running for office before this story broke, and has a big speech on his web site about family values. After the story broke he dropped out of the election and blamed his problems on the media. Warning: this story is a little raw.

Remember shock and disgust.

More...
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Dar Found Guilty

Dar Heatherington was found guilty of mischief this week, and could face up to 5 years in the big doll house, where all the prisoners wear Lingerie and take showers all day. (I saw the documentary) While being sentenced, Ms Heatherington wore a tight fitting red dress making her look a little hippy. She will now have to resign her position on City Council before the local Church Ladies show up with pitchforks and torches.

Its hard to say what her real problem is. Maybe she has delusions and cannot distinguish reality, or, maybe she is just a pathalogical liar. In either case she has what it takes to get to the next step in her career. I'm thinking a Calgary Sun columnist...or maybe a media laison for the Progressive Conservative Party of Alberta. The sky is the limit.

But Five of Five still thinks it would be kind of cool to have an unpredictable spouse like Dar. Hey honey, I'm in Beijing...you'll never guess what happened to me...anyway, I'll explain later... Something special every day, just like Focus on The Family suggests.

More...
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Bishops Against Violence

Violence against people offends God himself, who made humans in his own image, the Vatican's foreign minister, Archbishop Giovanni Lajolo, said in a pre-recorded television interview due to be broadcast later on Friday. He condemned the abuse of Iraqi prisoners, made public last week, as episodes of brutality, contrary to the most elementary human rights and radically contrary to Christian morals. The scandal is even worse if these episodes were committed by Christians," Lajolo said in the interview...You have to emphasize, all the same, that in a democracy such offences are not hidden away -- as is the case in the United States, where those responsible are judged and punished along with their superiors who did not fulfil their duty to monitor them," he said.

I'm glad the Archbishop picked up on this. Very astute. They can spot evil doers half way around the world but seem to never be able to find the ones they employ.
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Smooth, very very smooth.

With the election over, the corporate pollsters can now get back to what they do best...

Toronto, Ontario – According to an Ipsos-Reid poll conducted on behalf of Veet, Canadian women who remove hair do so from a mean average of 2.5 body parts. Incidentally, both legs count as one body part. In looking specifically at leg hair removal, the majority (69%) of women in Canada have removed leg hair in the past month and 37% removed unwanted leg hair in the past day/few days. Few Canadian women (13%) say they have never removed leg hair. Typically, leg hair is removed more often in the summer than in the winter. Overall, more than half (56%) of women who remove leg hair do so at least once a week in the summer, decreasing to 28% in the winter. The majority (83%) of Canadian women who remove leg hair do so by shaving, 14% by waxing and 9% use a depilatory or hair removal cream.

And then...

An Ipsos-Reid poll finds that 48% of Canadians are planning on taking a vacation this summer.

How many women shave their legs for Vacation? How many women who vote Conservative shave their legs at all? Are waxers more prone to Western Alientation?
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How I'm Voting

Its hard to say who I'm voting for. This decision will be made by my Inner Angus, and he ain't talking about his feelings. I won't know until I get there and get that cheesy little Elections Canada pencil in my hand. I just hope Angus does not start shouting slogans like he did last time. Angus may be available for a brief time on Monday to explain himself. Please recommend this post

American Advice

With only a few days left until our big election, both Michael Moore and Ralph Nader have urged Canadians not to vote for Stephen Harper. God bless them.

But not to be undone, President Bush has weighed in with his own advice for the Canadian voter:

I urge Canadians to support President Poutine in this comin' election. I've valued my uh...warm...friendship with President Poutine over the last four years.

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Oh...that's what those things are

A useful explanation for a vexing question supplied by the folks over at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

A billboard is a large outdoor signboard, usually wooden, found in places with high traffic such as cities, roads, motorways and highways. Billboards show large advertisements to pedestrians and drivers traveling from one place to another. The vast majority of billboards are rented to advertisers rather than owned by them. Shown with large, witty slogans splashed with distinctive color pictures, billboards line the highways and are placed on the sides of buildings, peddling products and getting out messages. Billboard advertisements are designed to catch a person's attention and create a memorable impression very quickly, leaving the reader thinking about the advertisement after they have driven past it. Thus there are usually few large words, and a humorous or arresting image in brilliant color.

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I told you this would happen

DALLAS, Texas (AP) -- A gorilla that was shot to death by police after breaking out of its enclosure at the Dallas Zoo in March escaped by leaping over a 12-foot-wide trench and a wall that separates animals from visitors, officials said Tuesday. Zoo investigators believe the gorilla probably got a running start and sailed over the trench and the wall, clearing an electrical wire atop the wall that is supposed to give a mild shock.

As if we don't have enough problems on this planet, now we got Gorillas leaping over 12 foot walls. You try that with 400 pounds of hair and an ass full of bananas.
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Keys Locked in Car Again

Sylvan Lake(AP) A local child locked her parents car keys in the car for the 37th time in a row. Local officials believe this is a new record for the area, and a sense of fear now pervades this quiet little resort town. T.J. Mauresmo, Psychology professor at the University of Eckville, says that this behaviour could point to a much deeper cry for help. The Child could be saying, hey, I just don't want to drive around anymore. In spite of being mobbed by the media for over an hour, the parents remained in seclusion and refused to answer questions. Please recommend this post

Those were the days

Men were men and dames were dames. You cruised around in your double breasted suite and your argyle socks and everywhere the dames would just hang all over you like flies on...Some of us, like FoF are still manly enough to pull this off, but mostly not. Please recommend this post

Dear Ralph #1

The Right Honorable Ralph Klein
Dear Sir
Just a note to let you know how much I appreciate your wisdom and leadership. A day never goes by when I don't think of how lucky we are to have you. Just the other day my niece said to me Uncle, how did you become such a fine and respectable person. Well, I told her that whenever I get in a troublesome situation and don't know what to do I just stop and ask myself "What would Ralph Do?". Like yesterday at Lunch. A co-worker wanted to borrow five bucks. I believe in helping others, just like you, so I threw a 20 on the floor and yelled at her to get a f* job. I think she learned a lot from that. Then I went back to the office and my boss wanted to ask me some questions about my expenses. At first I felt a little defensive but then I asked myself "What would Ralph do?". So I yelled at him Do you think I'm lying Do you think I'm lying Do you think I'm lying!Just like that - three times in a row. Then I stormed out of his office. I think I put him in his place and you know what, he won't be asking about expenses anymore. Anyway, I am grateful for all that I've learned from you.
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Future Blogs

All future blogs will be here. You can still read previous issues at http://www3.telus.net/public/rwmcbean Please recommend this post