Letter To My Favourite Bishop

Dear Bishop Henry,

Your idea that the local parish priest withold the the sacrament, indeed eternal salvation itself, from Catholic Members of Parliament who do not uphold canon law against homosexuals and baby killers is a stroke of genius. One day Catholic seminarians will be taught about the Henry Doctrine I'm sure. If a Member of Parliament can be made to fear for his eternal salvation then i'm sure they'll start doing the right thing.

My problem is, i don't think this is going far enough. As you know canon law is quite expansive. For example I recently discovered through Sun Media that Peter McKay and Belinda Stronich are involved in an intimate relationship. They appear to have no shame or modesty and are flouting their pathetic little tryst. Just thinking about those two entwined in lust sends a shiver up my spine. Anyway, i believe you should look into this clear violation of canon law. I know striking up a secret Inquisition board and calling secret witnesses is a hassle, but it must be done. The good news is that it is not Peter McKay and Scott Brison which a lot of us were worried about. Please handle this discretely, not in your usual flamboyant manner, they're not Liberals after all.

Which remainds me, my group is adamant that you should not be shaming any Catholic Conservative Members of Parliament for reasons that are very very complicated and I can't go into them right now. But I know you agree because you have never condemned any Catholic Conservative Party Members of Parliament for violating canon law. And believe me, just between you and me, they can be a sordid bunch when you dig around a bit.

By the way, I heard one of the Conservative Members, from Calgary no less, was on a Catholic TV show and was complaining about the burden of being a single Catholic male. Apparently he is struggling with the sin of Onan. I thought you might chat with him and offer some private shaming. I'll forward his name, secretly, to your committee in the usual manner.


regards,
a loyal supporter Please recommend this post

Open Letter to C. Rice

Dear Dr. Rice, Secretary of State,

I am writing to you about our colleague Ambassador Cellucci. Just between you and me I think he's been over the edge a bit lately. Mad cow, softwood lumber, missile defense, Iraq - all these issues seem to have taken a toll on our mutual friend. Lately he looks haggard and defensive. He has those deep bags under his eyes that come from knowing the truth but not being able to get the heathen to understand it.

I heard he was leaving his post shortly and I hope you can help him find a more suitable job in a think tank somewhere. Do you have a replacement in mind yet? Mr. Cellucci would be kind of hard to replace but I have an idea for you to consider that I think would work out really well for both of us. (BTW: I was disappointed to hear that Mr. Wolfowitz is now unavailable for this post. )

My idea is that you appoint our loyal opposition, the Conservative Reform Alliance caucus, as the collective U.S. Ambassador. You will not find a more loyal group to carry out your President's agenda with respect to Canadian relations. Think of it: 70 full time eyes and ears constantly on the look out for any kind of anti-American thought or action. You would be well served by these loyal patriots. And I also know they would carry on this important work for free.

This would also save our loyal opposition leader, Mr. Harper, and his Deputy, Mr. Day, the trouble of having to run to the Washington post to publish their anti-Canadian pro-American op-eds. As the collective Ambassadors, your media and ours would run to them breathlessly and publish every word they utter. Good deal for you. Have you ever read our National Post?

Anyhow, I hope you will give this some serious consideration.

Regards,
A Canadian Patriot


P.S. I'm so sorry about Dr. Axworthy being so rude to you. I've written a very lengthy letter to David Horowitz about him. With any luck, you should'nt hear from him again. Please recommend this post

Saturday Picks

Head over to Klondike Kate's Aurora to read some hot-damn writing about life in Alaska. (I should point out that historically, Alaska is a part of Canada.) There is also an ad for Michelle Malkin's latest book over there (scroll down) which made my lunch come out through my nose.

Naomi Klein, my favourite writer is at it again over here.

The Section15 blog takes James Taranto and the Wall Street Journal out behind the wood shed.

Robert Fisk, not unsuprisingly predicts civil war in Lebanon. As predictors go he does not have a bad track record.

Why do these people hate America so much?


The rapture is right around the corner and we got a lot of work to do. Once the Christians leave they'll be a lot of stuff to be fixed up. We can beat this lake of fire thing if we have a plan and stick together. One of the things you can do to make this go smoother is to read this blog every day.

And finally, the word of the day is contrarian-obfuscationism. Please recommend this post

Destination 2 (Redux)

Speaking of slow death, I watched the movie Final Destination 2 with Aly Larter and Canadian actor Keegan Conner Tracy, pictured above shortly before getting the pipe through the head, or blown up, I can't remember. (Consumer activists should note that she was driving a Ford Explorer.) Intending to scare 16 year olds into staying in school this scene inadvertently created a chewable metaphor for life: The jagged pipe is almost always right near your head.

The theme of death stalking people has been done over and over again in literature and movies FOREVER but never so relentlessly predictable as in this movie. How many movies make you cheer for death? Usually death has some kind of theological purpose, but here its just to get to the end of the movie as quickly as possible. At the end of the movie they blew up poor Aly which seems to suggest she won't be back for the third in the series. And there will be a third.

Save your 4 bucks and watch Max Von Sydow in Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal. Or if that's too heady for you how about Monty Python's Meaning of Life.

Death by Salmon Mousse, now that's funny. Please recommend this post

Teacher Says Sun Media Not Reputable

This one jumped out at me as particularly irritating.

From the Toronto Sun...

The Sun won't shine at a private Catholic school in King City, Ontario, where a Grade 10 student was docked 22% off her history assignment for using clippings from this newspaper [Toronto Sun]-- deemed "non-reputable" by her teacher. Jessica Bolzicco, 16, an honour roll student... said her teacher cut the grade on her current affairs assignment from an 87% to a 65% because she used the Toronto Sun as her source. Students were asked to bring in three clippings from "newspapers of repute."

How would an honour roll student not realize that the Sun has no intellectual merit on any topic? And using the same source on one project is hardly sound. While the teacher engaged in sort of a knee jerk reaction, its pretty easy to understand why. But, it would make a good teaching opportunity to have the students discuss the Sun stories and understand exactly why it has no repute.

Principal Paul Paradiso admitted the Sun has a good reputation for news coverage but fails from a "moral point of view" due to its SUNshine Girl and Boy. (The SUNshine Boy has not appeared in the paper since last September.)

No they don't have a good reputation for news coverage. But they do make a considerable income off sex trade advertising, while at the same time constantly soap boxing about morality issues. In the bigger picture, is'nt that weirder than a picture of a girl in a bikini?

So what really does the Catholic teacher object to? Maybe by non-reputable they just mean that there are pictures of girls in bikinis, but otherwise they accept the Sun's ultra right-wing content.

Sun Editor-in-Chief Jim Jennings said he was appalled by Jessica's story. "It's ridiculous that a history teacher would censor a student who brings in clippings," he said. "I thought education was about the exchange of ideas, but what do I know -- I only have a PhD."

Education is about the exchange of ideas. The Sun is not. Thats the point. And who cares if the editor has a PhD? I don't even want to know what that guy wrote his thesis on. The kids in that class probably need to be prepared for University where they sure as hell won't be citing the Toronto Sun in their research.

Read the article... Please recommend this post

Antichrist Revealed, then Mocked

Over at Jesus's General they discuss a new book which uses various means to identify the antichrist who is now among us. Having read portions of this book I cannot reveal who he is since that would ruin it for the rest of you. As my mom used to say, 'laddy stop prying, you're much better off not knowing who the big beasty is. '

But, suffice it to say when I read that name I said out loud: Exactly!

Soon though, in the comments section of the blog, as is prone to happen, the Frenchmen took it upon themselves to think up funny new names for the antichrist.

Some of the suggested names:

333 Eric the Half a Beast
666-A The tennant of the Beast.
999 the dyslexic beast?
667 Neighbor of the Beast
665 Antichrist underachiever
222, the factor of the Beast
1/666, the inverse multiple of the Beast
-666, the additive inverse of the Beast
66 - amputee beast
|666| - the Absolute Value of the Beast
@@@ - The amnio sonogram of the Beast

I quote these without permission, but knowing there's no great sin recognizing that there are many people funnier than myself. Quite a few actually. Possibly millions.

But seriously, don't these people know they're bringing a whole lot of bam-stick on themselves by making fun of the apocolypse?

I have to read the later chapters of this revolutionary little book. I'm quite anxious to see if there is a role for Canada in the great end game.

Read the original post here. Please recommend this post

Replacement Please

Could you please join with me in writing to the American Embassy and asking for a replacement Ambassador. The current one does not seem to be functioning properly. I believe he is under warranty and that they are obligated to replace the defective product. Apparently, every once in a while the Ambassador-3000 robotic series goes buggy and develops delusions of grandeur.

When contacting the Embassy use the following talking points.

• Could you please just shut him up.
• You said he was leaving for the private sector. When?
• Why is he such an annoying brain dead hack?
• Could you please just shut him up.
• There is more to Canada than the Fraser Institute, the Alberta Government and Sun Media.
• We are not stupid colonial rubes who need to be lectured daily by a gaseous overbloated self-inflated overly hyperbolic 5th rate talk show host. (Charles Adler was here first)
  
• Once again, could you please just shut him up.
• Lets see what else...Oh, yeah, our Prime Minister does not report to the Ambassador.

Contact them Please recommend this post

Four RCMP Officers Killed

As you've probably heard four RCMP officers were killed yesterday near Mayerthorpe, an hour or so north-west of Edmonton. They were trying to serve warrants when they found a marijuana grow operation. A gun fight followed and all four died along with the criminal they were dealing with.

Naturally there is quite a bit of shock and grief. The officers were all juniors in their 20's and early 30's and there has not been such a great loss of officers in one incident since the late 1800's.

The nature of the tragedy will re-ignite a whole bunch of contentious political debates (law and order, marijuana legalization, gun registry, etc, etc) and soon you will start to see a whole punch of political spin. Even Stephen Harper is saying its too early to connect the horrific event with public policy. (Maybe he should call Art Hanger and tell him to stay off the radio for a while.)

Since my primary interest is politics & media I know this tragedy will create a lot of discussion and debate. I just don't think today is the right time. Please recommend this post

Former Foreign Minister Cracks Back

Lloyd Axworthy is alive and well. In a recent op-ed in the Winnipeg Free Press he writes about missile defense and puts Paul Cellucci in his empty headed place.

Excerpts:

Now, I understand that there may have been some miscalculations in Washington based on faulty advice from your resident governor of the "northern territories," Ambassador Cellucci. But you should know by now that he hasn't really won the hearts and minds of most Canadians through his attempts to browbeat and command our allegiance to U.S. policies.

...

Sadly, Mr. Cellucci has been far too closeted with exclusive groups of 'experts' from Calgary think-tanks and neo-con lobbyists at cross-border conferences to remotely grasp a cross-section of Canadian attitudes (nor American ones, for that matter).

...

As our erstwhile Prairie-born and bred (and therefore prudent) finance minister pointed out in presenting his recent budget, we've had eight years of balanced or surplus financial accounts. If we're going to spend money, Mr. Goodale added, it will be on day-care and health programs, and even on more foreign aid and improved defence.

Ouch.

Read more.. Please recommend this post

Poll Update

Just a quick update to let you know that Jeri Ryan is running away with the poll. Although there is a strong 'bugger off' contingent out there as well.

Some astute readers asked why Terry Farrell as Jadzia Dax was not included. Well, because the series had no critical acclaim and no one ever heard of Terry Farrell before or since. It seems that DS9 was a bit of a career killer for all involved.

The original poll called T'Pol T'Pal by mistake. T'Pol is the character played by Jolene Blalock. There is no T'Pal. However there is a T'Pau. She was a Vulcan elder on the original Star Trek series and that character re-appeared in a younger version in an Enterprise episode. I was thinking about Janeway at the time and that your mom is so hot thing kind of intruded into my subconscious.

Confused yet? You would be surprised how many trekkie web sites refer to T'Pol as T'Pal or T'Pau. I think there was also a dance band in the 80's called t'pau.

I'm hoping that some day science will be able to extract all the pop-culture crap from my sub-conscious and replace with more useful information.

Of course this is all a complete waste of time and band width so I'm going back to work now. Hopefully my upcoming material will be more useful. Please recommend this post

The Creative Process

Keanu Reeves, during the filming of his latest film Constantine, requests some minor script changes.

(If you have a better punch line lets hear it.)

Please recommend this post

March Reader Poll

The Hottest Female Star Trek Character
	Kate Mulgrew - Captain Janeway
	Majel Barret - various roles
	Jeri Ryan - Seven of Nine
	Kirstey Alley - Lt. Savik
	Jolene Blalock - T'Pol
	Marina Sirtis - Deanna Troi
	I only read Shakespeare and David Frum
	Bugger off
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Please recommend this post

Your Daily Reading

Linda McQuaig writes a brief op-ed about Missile Defense.
read it

Maureen Dowd writes about the surreal spectacle of George Bush lecturing Vladimir Putin on open government and media.
read it

David Holohan writes about Intelligent Design. (Every once in a while you read something and you say to yourself, Man, I wish I could write like that...
read it

William F. Buckley gyrates and twitches trying to parse George Bush's sloppy and weird Inauguration speech.
read it

I expect a brief 50-100 word report from each of you by the end of the day. Original thoughts only please. Please recommend this post

Maher Arar and Ernst Zundel

You would probably not often see those two names in the same context, and indeed they have nothing in common with one another. Except that they were both kicked out of the United States, but with completely different considerations.

I was just reading this excellent article by Bob Hebert at the New York Times. He interviews Maher Arar about his ordeal in Syria. Its really heartbreaking to read in detail about what happened. The man is lucky to be alive.

Around the same time the story broke that Ernst Zundel was being punted across the pond, back to Germany. But it is not the romanticized neo-nazi paradize that Zundel yells about, but rather it is the Germany that is going to throw him in jail. Here, he was our #1 promoter of racial hatred. Over there he'll just be just another neo-nazi that no one cares about. Germans have a much more refined understanding of the nuances of white supremacy rhetoric and will deal with Zundel under their laws. Is'nt that ironic?

I hesitate to even write about Ernst Zundel because it is a pointless conversation. Merely acknowledging that he exists is extending too much attention. But it did strike me as a major contradiction in the different ways Zundel and Arar were treated. Arar transfers planes in a U.S. airport and is essentially kidnapped and shipped to Syria. Zundel, spends years tying up the courts in both the U.S. and Canada. The U.S. decides after a long while to throw him out and sends him back to Ontario not Syria. But not after extending the maximum amount of due process possible. Meanwhile, the National Post et al fixates themselves to death on a Romanian Stripper and a low-level con artist Pizza maker.

The policy as I understand it: When dealing with white supremacist neo-nazi hate mongers, extend them all the due process you can, and if you must deport them deport them to Toronto. Brown people with funny names should go straight to Syria.

With Maher Arar we will never ever know what happened and who made what mistake. Due process and transparency do not apply. You might as well be arguing with the East German government in 1960.

I've been thinking a lot lately about alternative universes. Somewhere there is an alternative universe where Ernst Zundel steps off a plane, gets kidnapped by the INS/CIA/FBI/DHS who then drop ship him to Tel Aviv. For some strange reason the Mossad thinks Zundel knows something they need to know and tortures him for a few years. Every once in while, but not often, someone says, hey, whatever happened to that guy in the hardhat.

Please recommend this post

Flying Monkey Carbon Tax Hysteria

Flying Monkey award of the week.

Over at the Calgary Herald, their lead Business writer Charles Frank goes round and round in a big circle about how there is a secret clause in the latest Federal Budget to plunder the Alberta treasury with a Carbon Tax. It is so secret, in fact, that the author cannot reveal any facts.

The author starts out with a shocking revelation: Buried deep in the nether regions of this week's federal budget is an incendiary paragraph that could pave the way for a carbon tax.

The next nine paragraphs are boiler plate diatribes about Trudeau and the National Energy Program. The diatribe goes on a bit long and you have to flip to page E9 from the front page of the business section to get back to the original story line. Its like someone telling a really really long not so funny joke that you've heard before, but you feel you have to be be polite and listen to the end, and then fake a sincere laugh.

Finally, deep in the bowels of page E9 scrunched up next to unflattering pictures of Remax top sellers we finally get to the heart of the matter. The text in the budget that will ruin all of our lives and kill our puppies is this: For any environmental goal it is important that consideration be given to all of the available policy instruments and that solutions be identified that produce the best results for the environment.

So there you have it. You may now become hysterical and phone Charles Adler.

The general quality of writing throughout CanWest/Southam sure has gone down hill. Turgid prose which takes innuendo and active imagination and presents itself as fact is too dull to read, especially when our personal band-widths are getting more and more crowded. After the first paragraph it ceases to be Journalism under any traditional definition. The author uses enough weasel language to indicate that his heart really is not in the argument.

The general philosophical statement of seeking balance between economic and environmental policy has been in the liberal playbook forever, and does not indicate or foreshadow a specific policy. The problem is that the federal Liberals have really only talked about this kind of stuff and not actually done very much. Paul Martin is certainly less committed to Environmental policy than Chretien or Trudeau were.

Read the Article here
(Subscription required)

Please recommend this post

Thursday's Musings

I'm starting to hate Thursdays. Always acting like Fridays but really they're just second rate Wednesdays. No one ever says, boy am I glad its Thursday. Nobody ever says I'm glad its the upper latter mid-point of the week.

In honour of Johnny Carson I have a punchline without a joke. The punchline is: Are you sure it was'nt Star Jones in a fur coat? I'm counting on someone out there to supply the joke. But, you have to admit, the punch line almost stands on its own.

I almost went to Thailand last month. Thank God I did'nt go when Star Jones was there. I might have seen her on the beach and gone blind. The Lord was looking out for me and I feel blessed.

They were interviewing Jolene Blalock on the radio last night. She seems pretty smart and articulate for a hoo-hoo girl. All the Enterprise cast is out doing the circuit trying to reverse the show's cancellation. Its an ok show. Not as good as Voyageur. Voyageur had really well written stories and who could resist that Your mom is so hot charm of Captain Janeway. But I thought Enterprise was a little too violent. I always believed Star Trek was a metaphor about the role of the United States in the World. (Scott Bakula has a really big nose, but not as big as that guy in the Life Of Brian who got punched out at the Sermon on The Mount.) Maybe this is it, maybe there won't be any more Star Trek stories. That would push a few geeks off the deep end.

Somewhere in an alternate universe David Frum just shot himself and Hunter S. Thompson is writing his Eulogy. Thompson's last column is about him making a 3am call to Bill Murray to propose a new version of Golf involving shot-guns.

You can read it here but it seems they are having a lot of band-width problems.

I just watched this terrible terrible movie called The Garage. It was a remake of a Japanese horror movie and starred Sarah Michelle Gellar and a cast of many many horror stricken Japanese people. There was no Garage in this movie, but they kept talking about how something really bad happened in The Garage. That chick from the Ring with the creepy long black hair was in this movie, but I have no idea why. Please recommend this post

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog. Please recommend this post

Weekend Update

Weekend update...

Because freedom is on the march, the Michael Jackson of Iraq (right) can now use a baby as a prop in a religious procession. Can we please stop dangling babies for publicity.

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Another techy email from IBM with the following advice:

You provided IBM with your e-mail address so that we could keep you informed of important events and new business solutions. If you want to be removed from the IBM e-mail list, please send an e-mail to IBM Developer Suppression.

What the heck is Developer Suppression? Why do they want to suppress me? I should be suppressing them, they brag way too much. Go suppress yourself I've got a headache. And hire an English major or two for God's sake.

___

(CNN) BERLIN, Germany (AP) -- A new luxury hotel will open next month on the site of Adolf Hitler's Alpine retreat, which served as a part-time seat of government where he and other Nazi leaders often met to plan Germany's assault on Europe and the Holocaust. The new hotel, the Intercontinental Resort Berchtesgaden, will open on the Obersalzberg mountaintop to guests on March 1, the Bavarian Finance Ministry said Thursday.

Personally, I don't think I could stay there. Its probably haunted with some very angry ghosts.

Yeah, is this the Concierge? Ah yes, this is 301. Could you please send up a map of Poland. Yeah...and also, do you know how far the Czech border is from here...really...so whats that road like?

[a couple of hours later - knock knock]

Yes?

Oh hello, I'm the Hotel Manager.

Is there a problem?

Well you see, this is kind of embarassing really, but I have to let you know that we have a strict policy about European conquest. Quite silly really, but we have had some problems in the past.

Oh, ok, well...

And also, we don't really allow visitors after 11pm so I'm afraid all those Generals are going to have to leave for the night.

Oh, they were just on there way.

Ok thanks.

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Star Jones weighs in on the Tsunami tragedy and the wonderful mercy of God:

What Star Jones said:

"I was in Thailand for my honeymoon just a month ago. Thank God the tsunami didn't happen then. The Lord was looking out for me and I feel blessed."

What Jon Stewart said:

"God killed 160,000 people. Just because you werent there, thats not him blessing. My guess is that was an oversight. Seriously how far up your own ass do you have to be? I was almost killed in the Kennedy assassination. Six months before that, I was in a convertible."

What I said:

If she was dragged out to sea, it would have to be filmed and sponsored. This washing out to sea of Star Jones has been brought to you by... She would just float right back. Some people can't be shut up.

So this got me to thinking about having a swimsuit issue. I'm proud to present our first ever annual swim suit edition:

Click here for swimsuite issue

As they say in Calgary, whenever the Flames win: Oh Baby, you can put that one in the win column.

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From the Guardian UK:

It appeared to be one of archaeology's most sensational finds. The skull fragment discovered in a peat bog near Hamburg was more than 36,000 years old - and was the vital missing link between modern humans and Neanderthals. This, at least, is what Professor Reiner Protsch von Zieten - a distinguished, cigar-smoking German anthropologist - told his scientific colleagues, to global acclaim, after being invited to date the extremely rare skull. However, the professor's 30-year-old academic career has now ended in disgrace after the revelation that he systematically falsified the dates on this and numerous other "stone age" relics.

I hate it when real and important science gets compromised by a clown. Now the creationist or intelligent designists or whatever they are calling themselves these days are going to use this as proof that evolution is bogus. Monkey trials everywhere. So what if the Neanderthals never lived in Northern France. They probably just did'nt like the caves.

More...

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The National Post goes hunting for Nazi war criminals:

Dr. Efraim Zuroff, a leading authority on Nazi war criminals, wants Canada to make a final push to hunt down such criminals. The world's foremost Nazi hunters want to place a bounty on Nazi war criminals hiding in Canada as part of a last-ditch plan to bring ageing Holocaust perpetrators to justice before they die. Discussions for a Canadian launch of Operation: Last Chance, an international effort by the Simon Wiesenthal Center, comes as the Jewish organization's chief Nazi-hunter, Efraim Zuroff, blasted Ottawa's handling of war criminals. He said the federal government's record of prosecuting those accused of committing atrocities during the Second World War and now living in Canada is dismal and distressing. "One of the places where nothing is happening is here. There is certainly a lack of political will in Ottawa," said Mr. Zuroff, who is based in Jerusalem and was visiting Toronto yesterday. "Canada is a safe haven for these guys. Sometimes the government does something to annoy them, but they don't get rid of them. It's like a hockey player who makes the moves, but can't put the puck in the net.

Its sort of a bad strategy though, tipping your hand like this. I'd be willing to bet that 9 out of 10 Nazi war criminals are daily readers of the National Post. Read their letters section, come on.

More...

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Atwood up for Booker

(CBC) WASHINGTON - Margaret Atwood is among a list of prestigious nominees for the first Man Booker International Prize. Atwood joined a celebrated group of contenders from 13 countries for the new $140,000 literary honour. She will compete with 17 authors, including Saul Bellow, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Gunter Grass, Ian McEwan, Philip Roth and John Updike.

That's quite the crowd to be in.

More...

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George Michael announces and explains sudden retirement

(BBC) Singer George Michael has said that a new film about his life is the start of a retirement from public view. The pop star said it would be a much more "behind the scenes affair", and called his own genre of music "dead". "I thought I should explain myself before I disappear," said Michael, who was at the Berlin film festival to launch the documentary. The film, A Different Story, chronicles Michael's life and career from the 1980s and his personal struggles. The 41-year-old chart-topper told reporters in the German capital that he wanted to "move his career into a different form", but added that he does not know what it is going to be yet. "I'm still going to be making music," he said, but added that he was "not going to be around".

Once in a while the punch line just writes itself: "Its always nice to go out at the top of your game."

Letters we got on this:

Dear Sirs,

Its hard hard work staying at the top all the time.

Regards,

Anna Kournikova

Dear Sirs,

I understand where he's coming from. I've been thinking of scaling back a bit.

Regards,

Leonard Nimoy

Dear Sirs,

Man, I was so lucky to get out when I did.

Regards,

Pete Best

More...

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Catholic bishops: Over 1,000 new claims of abuse

(CNN) WASHINGTON (AP) -- The nation's Roman Catholic bishops said Friday that over the last year they received 1,092 new allegations of sexual abuse against at least 756 Catholic priests and deacons. Half of the accused priests over the past year had been previously accused of abuse, said Kathleen McChesney, executive director of the bishops' Office of Child and Youth Protection.

The Office of Child and Youth Protection? That's beyond creepy. I'll bet the Office of Child and Youth Protection gets quite a bit less money and attention than the Office of Preventing Gay People from Being Happy. If they put as much energy into fighting this as they do in fighting homosexuals then they could probably make some progress.

More...

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Speaking of institutional perversion. Steve West defends severance package:

(CanWest) Premier Ralph Klein's former chief of staff says he deserves a $180-thousand severance package after six months on the job. Steve West says he came from a very lucrative job in the private sector and the amount of money he made at his government job was less than half of what he previously earned.

So...he gave up what job exactly? The Inspector General of Dog neutering for the county of Glenfiddich? Its not the tax-payer's fault that West was a miserable failure in the impossible task of baby sitting Ralph Klein. When he was hired the Premier had lost control of everything and was drifting aimlessly. No one was about to listen to anything Steve West had to say. One thing the Tories have been pushing is the idea that every government department has to develop business plans and meet performance objectives. I think its called accountability.

___

Finally, a useful article from Fortune Magazine, explaining why CEO's are like babies. You would think that an article like this would not go over very well in Fortune Magazine. As you read it you may find yourself saying eggzactly out loudly.

Read it...

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(CBC)TORONTO - The companies that sell auto, home and business insurance to Canadians have reported record profits of $4.2 billion in 2004 – a figure the Consumers Association of Canada called "obscene." The industry's 206 companies also reported record return on equity of 20.6 per cent last year. "These financial results confirm that the P&C [property and casualty] insurance industry has returned to financial health following a period of the weakest earnings in its history," said Stan Griffin, president of the Insurance Bureau of Canada (IBC).

More Alberta Tory math: So lets see...my policy drops by $10 per year, but If I'm in an accident and get a "soft tissue injury" I better hope its an under $4000 soft tissue injury, otherwise I'll have to dip into that $10/per year savings reserve fund.

___

From the Sunday Mirror:

CAMILLA BANNED FROM WHITE HOUSE - GEORGE Bush has banned Camilla Parker Bowles from the White House - because she is a divorcee. The unprecedented snub has effectively sabotaged Charles's plan to take his bride on a Royal tour of America later this year. But the US President - a notoriously right-wing Christian and reformed alcoholic - told aides it was "inappropriate" for him to be playing host to the newly-weds, who are both divorcees.

They'll yank her off a plane, send her to Cuba in a hood, then claim there was a mix up with a terrorist named Camilla Tariq'Ak Barqoui. Can't wait till Charles drags it to Canada and the Monarchist League of Canada goes all nuts. What position will they take? On the one hand they are obsequious boot lickers...but on the other hand they can't very well be seen to approve of a commoner in the Royal Family. At least not an un-photogenic one. Oh, what a dilemma. Well at least Charles will leave Prince von Ribbentrop at home. Won't they have to give Camilla a title of some sort? Did'nt they make Wallace Simpson the Duchess of something something. She was quite un-photogenic as well. Can't wait to see how that plays out. I mean, everybody likes an accident scene. Oh like you don't read the articles about those two.

___ Please recommend this post

Daily Update

I say, the news is rather odd today, to wit:

(CBC)FRANKFURT - Doctors believe three German patients contracted rabies after receiving organ transplants from the same woman. The three people are in critical condition, the German Foundation for Organ Transplants said Wednesday. The organ donor had shown no signs of rabies before she died of a heart attack in late 2004, but tests have now proved that she had the viral disease, the foundation said.

Well, now that you mention it she was foaming at the mouth and barking. We thought she was just crazy, and when we see a crazy person its policy to take their organs. We are determined to get to the bottom of this. My associate Dr. Nick Riviera will be heading up the investigation. But you have to admit, Rabies, come on who would have thought of that. Frankly we think the media, specifically the CBC, is just trying to stir of trouble here.

___

(BBC)Nigeria transvestite handed fine...The judge told 19-year-old Abubakar Hamza, who used his female identity to sell aphrodisiacs, to desist from "immoral behaviour". Mr Hamza, who appeared in court dressed in a pink kaftan and matching cap, said he was now "a reformed man". Since his arrest, he has become a celebrity in the strict Muslim city.
Posters of him dressed in women's clothing have been selling well.

After some discussion, we determined that transvestite is the correct term here. It simply means someone who wears opposite sex clothes. However there is still a raging debate over transvestism vs. transvestitism. The latter sounds too much like hypnotism, but don't send me any poetry. And if you wake up one day wearing some chick's clothes, I suppose you could say Hey man, I've been tranvestitised.

I think the guy is courageous to try this in a Muslim country. Obviously the courts did'nt find it amusing even though he has quite a pretty face when he's done up. Sometimes a guy can see another guy as being pretty and it does'nt mean anything except he's pretty. Just sayin...

___

Giants to tackle Viagra spam ring

(CNN)The two [Microsoft and Pfizer] are filing 17 parallel lawsuits against two "international pharmacy spam rings" selling what they claim are generic versions of Viagra online. Pfizer said two websites named in the suit sold "potentially dangerous medications" unapproved by regulators.

Glad to know these two fine corporations are on it. I always look to Pfizer to tell me what drugs are not safe, and to Microsoft for secure computing. I'm sure they'll continue to work hard with a sustained vigor. What are parallel law suits? If you have 4 lawsuites and 2 of them go off at 90 degrees and sort of fall over do they become parallelogrammatic law suits? Anyone? Okay, you're a lawyer and a senior partner walks in and says, Bobby, those three parallel law suits you got going, the partners feel the clients would be better served by a right angle triangle law suit. Eventually, the lawyers are walking around with thick books on Pythagorus. (Oh, must I explain who Pythagorus is all over again.)

___

(CBC) EDMONTON - A former Alberta cabinet minister [Steve West] known for slashing government payrolls received a severance package of $180,000 after a few months on the job as Ralph Klein's chief of staff.

Not bad for a years worth of work that produced nothing of value except getting fired. But he did not do as well as Murray Smith who got a 1/2 million dollar severance along with a patronage appointment to be Alberta's Chief Bootlicker in Washington D.C. How do you get a severance and continue to be an employee?

The part that bugs me is that for 8 years West insulted every government employee and department he could find claiming they were lazy, corrupt, and overpaid. I guess he was partly right.

___

(CNN) Michael Jackson was on his way to court when he was taken ill. Mr Jackson, 46, fell ill on the way to court in Santa Maria on Tuesday where he was due to attend the jury selection process in his child abuse trial. Judge Rodney Melville, who is in charge of the trial, has postponed jury selection until next Tuesday morning. Mr Jackson has denied 10 counts of child molestation. Late on Tuesday, Chuck Merrill, a physician at the Marian Medical Center, said Mr Jackson was suffering from "a flu-like illness with some vomiting."

One of these days he will vomit and his nose and chin will just go flying off. I know for me when I vomit from the flu I immediately rush over to the emergency ward. The hospital I go to is really good. They have nice amenities like the red wine and the tuck in. I'd be vomiting too if Kobe Bryant was the best character witness I could come up with in a rape trial.

___

(CNN) Two "Dogs Playing Poker" paintings cleaned house at Doyle New York's annual Dogs in Art Auction, fetching a staggering $590,400, the auction house said.

Before the sale it was estimated that the two rare paintings from Cassius Marcellus Coolidge's 1903 series of dogs playing poker would fetch $30,000 to $50,000, Doyle said in a statement after Tuesday's auction.
The auction house said that, after intense bidding, "A Bold Bluff" and "Waterloo: Two" sold to a private collector from New York City. The buyer was not identified.

Of course Coolidge did have a few failures in his early career. Nine gerbils playing Dominos was widely hated by the critics.

The buyer was not identified? No shit. Sold to the batty dude with too much money and the sack over his head.

So...just after they sold the Monet and the 300 year old Wine, the auctioneer with a snooty tone says...The sequential narrative follows the same players in the course of a hand of poker...In the first painting, the St. Bernard holds a weak hand as the rest of the dogs maintain their best poker faces. In the next scene we see the St.Bernard raking in the large pot, much to the very obvious chagrin of the other dogs...gentlemen...to I hear half a million pounds...ah is that Lord Black...

That St. Bernard really pisses me off. So smug.

___

(CBC) A new reality show will aim to find the next Janis Joplin. Called Search for the Pearl, the series will feature auditions by vocalists trying to mimic Joplin's rough-voiced style. Perhaps best known for her cover of Kris
Kristofferson's Me and Bobby McGee, Joplin had a brief career before dying from a heroin overdose in 1970 at the age of 27.

O God no please stop. There was only one Joplin. Go imitate Amy Grant or something. Or here's an idea, stick all the contestants on an Island and give them an unlimited supply of Heroin. In related news...Renee Zelwegger will play Joplin in an upcoming bio movie, but fortunately they could not get rights to use any of the music.

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RSVP

Mr. & Mrs. Major Kipper Parker
Request the honor of your presence
At the marriage of their daughter
Camilla Parker-Bowles
To
Charles Philip Arthur George Windsor
Duke of Windsor
Son of The Unamused One & Phil The Greek
Marriage Ceremony to take place at 3:00 Pm
Holy Sisters of the Jesus-She-Really-Really-Is'nt Amused Cathedral
Reception to Follow
Shaganappi Golf & Country Club
Cocktails @ 6:30 pm
Dinner @ 8:00 pm
The Bride is Registered with Marks & Spencer

Formal Dress
No Kilts
Pantyhose
No Nazi Insignia
Proof of Aristocracy may be required.

Valet Parking (See Lord Black)



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Hockey Hearthrob Besmirched

The Moscow Times checks in with:

Hockey heartthrob Pavel Bure is suing Arbat Prestizh for 300 million rubles ($10.66 million) after the cosmetics chain's free promotional paper ran an article in which Bure brags about taking the virginity of tennis princess Anna Kournikova.

If the Russian-born National Hockey League star wins the suit, it would be one of the biggest awards for libel in the country's history.

"I believe that the magazine Arbat Prestizh Telegid disseminated information inconsistent with reality [and] besmirching my honor and dignity," Bure said in a filing to Moscow's Tagansky district court last week.

Took her Virginity? Where to? Having seen her play tennis a few times I've noticed she often gets her lunch money taken. Of course Kournikova will have to counter-sue Bure. How many women want to hear their ex base a law suit on the idea that their intimate moments caused him to be besmirched and de-dignified. Then Federov will counter-counter sue because after all, if Pavel has been besmirched then it seems to follow that Sergei was as well. A number of times probably, if you believe the Hockey News. Then Enrique Junior will have to sue somebody because you don't talk about a guy's girl like that. They'll all end up in court with Russia's version of Judge Lance Ito who won't understand a thing about anything and will spend years ruling on the sealed manilla envelopes people keep sending him. Finally, Jane Austin will be dug up and called as an expert witness on courting protocols. Sooner or later Chretien will show up with his golf balls and that will cause a mis-trial.

---

Dear Sirs,

After reading this story I was so distraught I immediatedly dropped from #2 to #7 in the Women's Tennis Association rankings.

Regards,
Amelie Mauresmo

---

Dear Sirs,

The players need to understand that the owners are totally united on this issue of protecting young russian woman tennis players, and thats why we need cost certainty through a salary cap.

Regards,
Gary Bettman

---

Dear sirs,

Hey, if you guys need some extra money or something for legal fees or whatever.

i'm just saying...

Regards,

Jose Theodore's mother

---

Dear Sirs,

Yeah, and I'm sitting here with three screaming babies married to that chick from full house. That's the way its always been, Pavel always gets besmirched never me.

Regards,

Valerie Bure

Please recommend this post

Super Bowl Positives

Things that went ok at the Super Bowl

1. Terrell Owens did not accuse any teammates of being gay.
2. Paul Mccartney did not get acid reflux, his band played the right songs in the right order, and his boobs stayed in his shirt.
3. Former presidents Bush and Clinton were chumming around together promoting their role as goodwill ambassadors for Tsunami relief.
4. Former president Bush did not vomit on anyone.
5. Former president Clinton did not...well nevermind.
6. No one made racist comments with a microphone in their face.
7. The next day, the media was talking about the game, not about some freak, or some freak's sister.
8. No one mocked the dropping of the pants in the end zone.
9. Orenthal James stayed home.
10. Charlie Daniels did not pass out and fall into the mosh pit, thus saving the lives of many.
11. No female reporters had to interview Joe Namath, thus avoiding the dreaded drunken Celebrity French Kiss.

All in all, kind of dull.

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Answering Maching #1

ring...ring...ring...ring...

Hello, you've reached the Vatican, world headquarters for Catholicism. No one is here right now because we are very busy dealing with the heathen. Please leave a message after the beep.

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP]


[cough][cough]yeah, this is the Pope...[dry heaving noises] yeah, I don't think I can make it in today I'm pretty sick. [cough], so I'll call back later to update you...[wheezing]...oh yeah, can you please get Cardinal Biffle to start looking at those Gap Commercials with Sarah Jessica Parker, we need to get going on condemning those. [cough]. Bye.

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My Girlfriend is Mean and I'm Not Gay

Hi. Whats up y'all. My name's Jeff Garcia. You might remember me as QB for the Calgary Stampeders. Fourth leading passer in Club history. Y'all might of read some crappy stuff about me lately.

First I'm not gay. I'm dating a Playmate of the Year. Terrel Owens said that about me because he was a crappy reciever and coach would'nt let me throw to him very often. Where's he now? Exactly. In retrospect, I should not have started phoning up media outlets to deny that I was gay. That appears to not have helped much. Now they follow me around to see if I'm with a girl.

Then one night we head out to this bar in Cleveland called Tramps. Carmella - that's my Playmate of the Year girlfriend which proves I'm not gay - was in a foul mood, and I knew something was going to go off. Later, my ex shows up (also a woman) and starts causing trouble. I just wanted to leave but Carmella was dancing on a table. When she does that I just sort of ignore her. (Unless she tells me to do something) Suddenly it was like a Quentin Tarantino movie she was kung-fuing the ex swinging off this pole.

When I saw her swing off that pole and kick my ex in the head I was totally amazed man. I never saw anything like that in Calgary. She's such a dainty thing. It must have been those Rasberry Vodka Coolers. Later I said, hey, where'd you learn to swing off a pole like that but she just glared at me.

Well now we all have to go to court. I hope they put me on the stand and ask if I'm gay.

Some of you are making jokes about how my girlfriend had to fight another girl to protect me. Someone even joked that if my front line in Calgary had protected me like that we might have won more Grey Cups. That's not very funny. The truth is I was on the injured reserved list at the time so if coach found out I was scrapping in a bar with a chick he would not be a happy man. He's already over the edge about the gay thing.

Another thing, Carmella is not the "reigning" Playboy Playmate of the Year because Playmates of the Year don't reign. It's not like she runs around with a Tiara opening kids hospitals. God I hope she does'nt read this. Your always the Playmate of the Year for that Year its not like they all of the sudden decide they need a new Playmate of the Year for 1986. And the funny thing is they can't take it away from you because they found out you posed in Playboy. Ha! That one cracks me up.

Anyhoe, gotta run.


With non-gay material kindly provided by:
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/6815294/
http://www.outsports.com/nfl/2004/0812garciaowens.htm Please recommend this post

Right Out of The Ball Park

I was just listening to Janeane Garofalo on the Radio, and she was talking about David Frum. She called him an "all around douche bag". I thought that was pretty good, although understated. You don't often hear that kind of thing on the radio. It made me perk up.

Now a bit of sociology to explain: The Douche Bag Drain is the opposite of the Brain Drain. The Brain drain is when talented people go to work in the United States. Naturally, we would prefer these type of people stay here and work. The Douche Bag drain is the opposite. That's when people who are useless or obnoxious migrate to the United States (or Switzerland) and we end up pretending we don't know they're Canadian. Celine Dion? Canadian? Really? No I think she's Romanian. Yeah...I'm pretty sure.

Well that was nasty little piece, but I felt we needed to get it out of the way. I'm always happy to clarify these little things.
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Nazi Cleanup in Oregon

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/01/29/nazis.road.reut/index.html

Nazis in Oregon? I thought they were more in Idaho and Lake Chapparal.

Nice to see they are suppporting their community as opposed to annexing Poland or committing mass murder. I wonder if they know that when they adopt a highway they have to clean up the trash from the ditches twice a year. I wonder if they'll only pick up the white trash. Don't you see the irony of the master race walking around with those little pointy sticks picking up trash. They'll probably use it as a teaching opportunity...Look around you Jimmy, trash everywhere, and do you know where it comes from? That's right Jimmy, the black man and the Jew put it here to keep the white man divided and confused...

I was thinking it would be fun to drive down that highway and throw paperbacks written by famous Jewish authors into the ditch. A little gas on the fire never hurt anyone.

---

Dear Sirs,

I once gave this crazy interview in Russia and I was going on and on and on and you know what - the translator was getting it all wrong. Anyhow, I just wanted to say those guys in Oregon probably have a lot of good ideas about looking after that highway. Lets just hope they don't go too far.

Regards,
Bobby Hull

Dear Sirs,

The problem with Nazi Germany as everyone knows is that the master race had no cost certainty and therefore could not remain competitive.

Gary Bettman

Dear Sirs,

Sounds fab. Do you know if they have an summer intern program?

Regards,
Prince Harry

Dear Sirs,

In those dark dark days following my Abdication, the Duchess and I and spent many lonely days in the Castle, our friends and family seemingly abandoning us, with only our undying love one for another keeping us sustained. Of course the garbage did pile up in the driveway. One would have given anything for a few kind Nazis to drop by and help us out, but alas, it was a time of war.

Regards,
Duke of Windsor (Posthumously)

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Future Tory MLA

Everytime I listen to BBC Radio Scotland they tell some weird story. Last week they were phoning in and requesting songs by Gordon Lightfoot. They probably listen to the Canadian Railroad Trilogy and think ah the Colonies, how quaint. Yeah Scotty, there's a bunch of guys out in my back yard swinging sledge hammers and eating beans.

This week it was this one:

...a 12 year old got bored at the family dinner party and decided to leave early and go visit some friends. it was quite rude of her not to tell anyone where she was going, especially since she took dad's car. Being drunk and generally uncooperative with law enforcement officials did not help much when she got pulled over and arrested.


Keep an eye on that kid she's going places.
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Clay and Wood

(Reuters) A man who went missing five weeks ago in south-western France has been found alive in an underground cave system where he had got lost. Jean-Luc Josuat-Verges, 48, told police he survived by eating wood and clay. He was found thanks to some teenagers who had been exploring the caves, which are normally closed to the public. Mr Josuat-Verges left his home on 18 December suffering from depression and telling his wife he wanted to be alone for a time, local newspapers said. Taking a bottle of whisky he drove his jeep to an abandoned mushroom farm consisting of a vast network of underground tunnels.


Which of us has not wanted at one time or another, to pound back some whiskey and stale mushrooms while getting lost in a vast underground tunnel system surviving only on wood and clay. I know I have.

---

Dear Sirs,

That guy's story totally lacks credibility. What kind of an idiot would believe a story like that?

Dar Heatherington

---

Dear Sirs,

Whenever my band gets me lost in a vast network of underground tunnels, I just sing and walk towards the booing.

Regards,
Ashlee Simpson
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Labor Dispute Hits Children

After failing to reach a new contract after exhaustive bargaining sessions, Santa Claus announced today that he would be locking out the Elves. The Elves union spokesperson immediately claimed that Santa was not bargaining in good faith and wanted to ruin Christmas for everybody. Unless an agreement can be reached by the end of this week, the 2005 Christmas season may have to be scrapped. Santa has already started cancelling appearences in early November 2005.

The Elves are calling into question the financial numbers disclosed by Santa. They say they do not include hidden revenue streams such as licensing fees from such movies as Bad Santa and Black Christmas. They also claim that a lot of the accounting mumbo jumbo is over their heads.

Santa contends that the business model is not sustainable and must be fixed, and that he has lost 12 billion dollars in five years. The Elves have stated repeatedly that a salary cap is a non-starter. Santa has rejected the latest counter-proposal of the Elves rejecting a luxury tax on expensive toys.

No further talks are scheduled and Santa complained today that the Elves are being short with him.

Public sympathy seems to be lacking towards the Elves as more and more people see them as greedy under-performers. Please recommend this post

Debacle x 3

First there was the Saturday Night Live debacle. Last week there was a new debacle. Ashlee was asked to sing at half-time at the Orange Bowl game. True, it was a horrible game and the fans were overly receptive to a distraction. That's why O.J. Simpson was there. O.J. decided that this year was his year to go to the Rose Bowl and get out among the people. Just when you thought O.J's presence was going to start a small riot Ashlee gets up and sings. Unfortunately this time she was not lip-syncing and as a result got booed off the stage. They played the clip over and over and over and over again on the Radio. It made me want to cry. Anyway, there are two humiliations here: 1. Getting booed off the stage; 2. Causing 60,000 people to forget about the serial killer in the crowd.

Of course this caused a whole slew of jokes about O.J. stabbing Ashlee to shut her up, or various flavors thereof. Who knew aquitted murder could be so funny.

Actually there's three humiliations. Soon after the Orange Bowl reaction an online petition appeared, asking Ashlee to stop singing. Can you think of any entertainer who has had this happen to them?

You know she's a very nice looking girl, not trashy boobs out like the sister. Maybe she could do something in modelling or spokespersoning.

Well you can sign the petition if you must be petty, but I'm not happy about publishing this link:

http://www.petitiononline.com/StopAsh/petition.html

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Tsunami Relief

Boots on the ground.
Planes in the air.
Trucks on the road.
Money piling up.

Now to save some lives.

Contribute:

www.redcross.ca
www.oxfam.ca
www.unicef.ca
www.worldvision.ca
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Bertuzzi Update

Todd Bertuzzi was finally sentenced and our long national nightmare now comes to an end. Bertuzzi pled guilty to assault received a conditional discharge with parole and some conditions. This means no jail time and no criminal record. Bertuzzi is now trying to get permission to play in Europe while the NHL lockout is on, but there is no guarantee this will be allowed.


Letters:

Dear Sirs,

Man if a guy did that to me, I'd take him out to dinner all nice like then...blam blam blam. What I mean is I'd sue for sure.

Robert Blake

---

Dear Sirs,

Todd Bertuzzi can play on my team anytime.

Regards,
Graham James

---
Please recommend this post

Homulka Watch

Karla Homulka has not applied for early release or parole choosing instead to serve her full term. She will be released sometime in 2005 and rumors persist that she will settle out west. Corrections Canada expressed their confidence in her reform:

...we have no confidence that this individual will not cause harm or death to others.

Letters:

Dear Sirs,

Double negatives can often be removed from a sentence to make it more clear and pleasant for the reader. Instead of saying "we have no confidence that this individual will not cause harm or death to others" try saying "we have confidence this individual will cause harm or death to others." That's nicer is'nt it. A little up-tone on the "will" can also enhance your meaning. Good luck.

Regards,
Martha Stewart.

Dear Sirs,

Where out west?

Regards,
Orenthal

Dear Sirs,

I can assure you um that we have a plan relative to um um the Homulka thing and I can er um assure you relative to the plan that um we..um..where's Rod? I'm tired of this crap. Get Rod. Stop yipping.

Regards,
Ralph Klein

Dear Sirs,

Homulka had a lot of good ideas, she just went too far.

Regards,
Bobby Hull


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Sympathetic Cooperation

From the Edmonton Public Schools Report Card preamble, circa 1970:

It is the aim of the school to help your child become a good citizen, prepared to lead a happy and useful life. To this end the school is concerned with his all-round development. You child is provided with an opportunity to develop his individual gifts and to become well adjusted socially. He is encouraged to develop good habits, attitudes and ideals, and to acquire knowledge and skill in the regular school subjects in keeping with his abilities.

For the child, the best results can be secured only through the sympathetic co-operation of the home and the school. We ask your help.

What. What are you looking at. I'm all that.

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Your done

[Ring] Yeah, 2004, sorry to call you at home. Say, we've been thinking about things here and ... there's no easy way to say this, but well you're no longer required. Yup uh huh. We're going in a whole new direction - have you met 2005? Very professional. Anyway, I have to be honest with you I haven't seen such a bad year since... well your the worst in a long time. Annis Horribilis. We were hoping you could be more like say 1987 but now its best if we just make a clean break.. So...Bruno will help you clean out your locker and good luck. Bubye then. Bubye. Nope. Nope Yep... bye...yeah bye. Listen I gotta go. [Slam]

Who hired that guy.

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A Poem

I wrote this free-verse poem while waiting for Christmas dinner to be served. Frankly I think its one of my best:


julia roberts runaway bride eric roberts runaway train
poetry poultry poultry poetry
when i come back i expect to find you gone gone wait for me
hot damn jacques derrida has died
paul martin ouagadougou
paul martin ouagadougou
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Provincial Voting Results

Here are the voting statistics from last weeks election, by party.

100

Party	Votes	Pct
Alberta Alliance	77,506	8.7
Alberta Green	24,588	2.7
Alberta Party	2,485	.28
Communist	98	.01
Independent	1,009	0.11
Liberal	261,471	29.36
New Democrats	90,897	10.21
Progressive Conservatives	417,092	46.83
Social Credit	10,874	1.22
Separation Party	4,680	0.53
Total	890,700

If you break the vote down by the general point of view of the party it looks like this:

Conservative/Right: 57%

Liberal/Left: 43%

I'll have more to say about these numbers later, after I calm down a bit.

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Eric Margolis on Ukraine

Here is a really good article on the Ukraine, by Eric Margolis.

http://www.commondreams.org/views04/1128-21.htm

You may have seen this in your Sunday Daily Bikini but this is the un-edited version.
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Movie review

I finally got to see the controversial new Spiderman movie. I had been putting it off because I had heard that it was fairly intense and violent, and possibly anti-semitic. Relocating the Spiderman story to ancient Palestine under Roman occupation was an artistic risk but it actually worked because Spiderman is the Greatest Story Ever Told and transcends locale.

The movie was widely criticized because of alleged anti-semitism. Sure, J.J. Jameson was clearly portrayed as a stereo-typed Jewish Media executive, but did J.J. Jameson kill Spiderman? I don't think so. I think we all killed Spiderman.

This movie shows us the suffering and sacrifice Spiderman made because he loves us, and gave us hope that Spiderman lives and wants to have a relationship with us.

Please recommend this post

NP apologizes for Slander

Wow, completely unexpected apology.

TORONTO(CBC) - The National Post has apologized for a column that hinted Governor General Adrienne Clarkson is having an affair. In the Wednesday edition of the paper, the Post's editors said a Monday column by Gillian Cosgrove contained "fundamental errors and intentional misrepresentations." Titled "Saul Skips Governor's Gala," the column quoted an unnamed insider who said that Clarkson and Iceland's ambassador, Gudmundur Eiriksson, have developed "a close friendship."

I guess you should apologize when you lie in print. No apology yet for a decade of turgid and incomprehensibly inane political commentary which assumed that anyone reading was a complete idiot, mean-spirited and really wanted to soak up senile diatribes from a fake aristocrat, his wife, or their collection of obsequious toadies.

Woah that one got away.

The question is: why does the National Post hate Adrienne Clarkson so much?

And thats your homework assignment for today. Please, no more than 200 words.
Please recommend this post

Shiksa causes near boycott

Sarah Jessica Parker enraged the Jewish Orthodox community in Israel by appearing in a billboard ad for Lux soap showing just a little too much Sarah and not enough of Sarah's clothes.

Such a thing cannot be done.

Unilever Corporation got a phone call from the Chief Rabbi who noted that it would be fairly easy for him to organize a product boycott. Not long after the ads were replaced with the same Sarah Jessica but with just a bit of a more dress.

You can see the before and after here:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/4039461.stm

[Ring][Ring]..Yes, this is the Chief Rabbi...What? Lenny Kravitz is doing a Gap ad...Sure, I'll take a look at it right away...

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George's Diary

Dear Diary,

Well tomorrow I'm heading off for Canada. First we stop in Halifax on my way to see President Poutine. I'm a little worried about leaving Dick alone. Last time I went to the ranch for 3 weeks he sorta went nuts. I turn on Fox and we're in friggin Iraq. I have to thank some people in Halifax for God only knows what before we fly to Ottawa. Did they even vote for us? I'm a little scared though because we have to fly over Frenchy territory to get there. What if we have to land? I remember that science fiction movie with Kirk Russel where the President gets stuck in New York and its a big prison and Kirk Russel has to go in and save him. I'd love to be saved by Kirk Russel. He'd be wearing one of those muscle shirts with a couple of guns slung over his shoulder and all sweaty and stuff...(*Sigh*)

Anyhow I thought I was going to speak to the Canadian Parliament, but now Dick says no. You know why? They can't get me a standing ovation cause they're full of commies. I don't know why I even bother with those weenies. So I'm speaking at a private function, you know full of my kind of people.

On Tuesday night I'm going to a sleepover with Stockwell Day, Stephen Harper and David Frum. (Mental note: Don't say nothing to Poutine or Steamship guy about the sleepover, they're not invited...) I'm still mad at that Frum for bragging about inventing the "Axis of Evil" phrase. Everyone knows I thought that up. Honestly, I fire the guy and he writes a book about how great I am and how much he loves me. Is that pathetic or what. I hope Stock does'nt make us listen to his Toby Keith CD's all night. If that Harper were a girl I'd be on him like a starved dog on a meat wagon.

Where is Poutine these days anyway? They keep making me talk to that Jimmy Martin guy. He's nice and all but quite frankly I don't thinks he's in control.

I know its really sick, but I can't stop thinking about that Carolyn Parrish chick. Who knew that kind of raw hatred could be such a turn on. I've tried to get Laura to talk mean to me like that but she just won't do it. I'm hoping I can ditch Laura for a while and hook up with Parrish even if its just for a while. Maybe I could send Laura off with Billy's wife for a while or that Chinese Queen chick. (What kind of Country has a Chinese Queen.)

After I get away from Poutine I have to go meet with Stephen Harper. But I'm not meeting with those other guys Jack and Jill. (Is that a joke?) Anyway, Harper really really tires me out. He's so needy. Apologizing all the time about Canada having its own foreign policy and asking to come to the ranch. I keep sending people up there to help him get elected but it never works. Whatever.

Will write some more later. Ta.
Please recommend this post

Vote

Monday, November 22, 2004:

Remember to vote. If you don't know where to go you can go to:

http://www.electionsalberta.ab.ca/wheretovote/

Warning: The web-site is designed very badly. I tried about 20 different variations of my address but the search was never able to find my polling station. I know very well they can find this info off the postal code alone. (They say tired corrupt governments benefit from low voter turn-out. Hmmmm...)

Or..

For further information, contact the Voter Information Centre at 1-(780)-422-VOTE (8683) or 1-877-422-VOTE (8683).
Monday - Friday: 8:00am - 9:00pm
Weekends: 9:00am - 4:00pm
Email: wheretovote@electionsalberta.ab.ca

Or...

You can dress up as a drunk homeless person and stand on the corner. Eventually a van with Tory campaign workers will pick you up and tell you what to do. Do everything they tell you to do, play dumb, then vote for Not-The-Tory.
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Grey Cup Prediction 2

Actually, what i meant to say...

Never bet against a 41 year old Quarterback who can barely walk.

Especially if that Quarterback was developed by the Edmonton Eskimos.

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Grey Cup Prediction

Here is it for the record:

B.C. Lions by 2 points.

You would be foolish to bet against a team coached by Wally Buono.

And one more thing...NO MANURE ON ANYONE'S LAWN! Thats un-Canadian.

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New Microsoft Search Engine

Microsoft is set to kick off yet another internet search engine. The search engine will be able to find sites that are geographically close to you and be able to accept natural language queries.

Natural language queries are questions you can ask a program and have it understand what you mean and produce results. Microsoft gives the example of What is the capital of Turkey? The seems to work fine until you flip the question around and ask "What country has Ankara as its capital?". Now its not so smart. Natural language processing has never really worked perfectly and you are likely to get your share of bizarre results. Its really kind of a useless feature.

With a gazillion dollars to spend on marketing Microsoft may tip the balance against Google. Thus, a crappy incomplete product will become the universal standard.

You can try out the beta version here.

More articles here.

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UofA Pandas arouse National Post

EDMONTON - The University of Alberta Pandas volleyball players are willing to make their point about the female body. Even if it costs them a point every time they do it. The team is flouting new rules established for Canada West university volleyball that forbid them from changing from warm-up T-shirts into game uniforms at courtside. Doing so leaves them momentarily exposed in their sports bras. "Maybe it makes people uncomfortable -- maybe it does in our own gym as well. I don't know," said 22-year-old Panda Janna Konihowski. "But we aren't ashamed of our bodies. Should we be? Should we be hiding in the corner?" The Pandas have paid for their stand on the scoreboard, penalized the opening point of each match last week in a two-game sweep over the University of Saskatchewan.

more...

Is the National Post still in business? I thought Lord Black drained them. Oh yeah, they're part of that Global Crouton media empire. This story follows a time honoured hack tradition of leading off with something [apparently] salacious in order to get you to read their other weird stuff.

Maybe instead of writing a lengthy and dull diatribe on sports bras they could have pointed out that this team is 18-3-0, and is well coached and highly successful. Don't they have editors? As luck would have it this weekend they are playing back to back games in Calgary. We fully intend to send one of our Interns over to the game to see if this situation is a serious as the National Post would have us believe.

Here is their schedule.

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Author speaks out, marries.

Satanic Verses author Salman Rushdie has called on [the American] Congress to remove anti-terror laws which allow US officials to monitor citizens' reading habits. Rushdie, 56, said he was concerned by government bodies "noseying into what should be personal creative space". He presented a 180,000-name petition asking Congress to repeal portions of the Patriot Act which give access to book-buying and library records.

Fat chance infidel. I don't think you want to be talking to them like that. You might want to tone it down a bit. I would'nt want to see you get yanked off a plane if you know what I'm saying....

But later in the same article, a shocking revelation...

Rushdie married Indian actress Padma Lakshmi in April.

What? How come we did'nt get that at the beginning of the article. I thought they busted up. He referred to her as an air-head in an interview which I don't imagine went over too well. She speaks five languages you know. Married? Wow did'nt see that one coming.

So, how does Cat Stevens/Yusef Islam figures into all this?

Apparently Rushdie was miffed when Mr. Islam did not denounce the Fatwah placed on him by the Ayatollah Khomeini after he published the Satanic Verses and other works, which the Ayatollah deemed blasphemy. Mr. Islam's (apparent) failure to condemn the Fatwah led many to believe he approved of it.

In summary, you have one group who wants to kill an author for writing the wrong book, another group that wants to arrest a reader for reading the wrong book. This can't turn out well.
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Hating Public Education

LITTLE EGG HARBOR, N.J. -- Parents whose children attend a New Jersey intermediate school want answers after a National Guard jet fighter shot up the school during a practice run.

They must have thought there were Canadian Soldiers there.

more...

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Red Alert

Our Glorious Leader needs your help. While visiting Grande Prairie Glorious Leader uncovered a widespread conspiracy to defraud the taxpayer of their sweat-soaked loonies. This massive fraud is being perpetrated by none other than the Fake Disabled. Dear Leader believes that the extravagance of $800 dollars a month offered by the AISH program is attracting the wrong kind of people.

Our leader needs our help now more than ever and is now asking you to do your part in uncovering these con artists and getting them off the public purse.

What can you do to help?

Spot the fraudsters and expose them. Watch for people who are:

1. Smoking.
2. Wearing cowboy hats.
3. Yipping.
4. Trying to get sympathy instead of being manly.

Dear Leader also asks you to teach your children about self-reliance, sacrifice, and how to live without a respirator.

Report any suspicious people you find directly to the Leader so he can publicly denounce them, and let them know that you know about them.

Our Leader is always trying to outsmart the enemy, which is why he has three different web sites where you can report the suspicious activity of the so called "handicapped".

http://www.assembly.ab.ca/lao/mla/contact.asp?RNumber=09
http://www.gov.ab.ca/home/index.cfm?page=23
http://www.gov.ab.ca/premier/
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Wetbacks of the North

Mrs. Annie Edson Taylor (left) became the first woman to challenge Niagara Falls in a barrel.

On October 24th 1901, her birthday, Taylor rode her barrel over Niagara Falls. She was a 46 year old widow and was a school teacher in Bay City, Michigan. She weighed 160 pounds. (That dress weighs 160 pounds. - ed) Taylor's barrel was built with white Kentucky oak held together by seven iron hoops. It was 22 inches in diameter at the head, 34 inches in diameter in the middle and 15 inches in diameter at the foot. The barrel was four and a half feet long and weighed 160 pounds. For ballast a 100 - 200 pound anvil was placed in the barrels bottom.

She began her trip just off of the American side of the Niagara River upstream of Goat Island. She was dressed in a long black dress and a flowery hat. About 600 feet from shore Mrs. Taylor climbed into her barrel so that she was standing on the anvil. The barrel was packed with padding and a small mattress and the lid was then screwed into place.

At 4:05 p.m., when released, the barrel flowed toward the Canadian side and over the Horseshoe Falls. Mrs. Taylor successfully endured the trip without any major injuries (slight cuts and bruises only). It wasn't until 4:40 p.m. that rescuers could get close enough to Taylor's barrel along the Canadian shore to let her out. The top of Taylor's barrel had to be cut away. When released from the barrel Mrs. Taylor said " nobody ought ever do that again".


The rescuers were fully aware that they were committing an indictable offense in Canada, by aiding an abetting illegal immigration. Between 4:05 pm and 4:40 pm the Canadian Immigration Service searched dilligently for Annie but were unable to locate her. When asked how they could miss picking her up given such an obvious public stunt, a Spokesman for Immigration Canada said: "Well we can't be expected to search every Kentucky Oak Barrel that comes over those falls. "

Mrs. Taylor was also charged with the less serious offence of Unlawful Conveyance of an Anvil or other Blacksmithing Device Across International Waters While Committing a Stunt but was never captured by Canadian authorities.
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No, I Did'nt Forget Poland

In all of three of the debates between Bush and Kerry it was obvious that Bush was beaten thoroughly. He was defensive, arrogant, petulant, evasive, condescending, and vague. Or as some describe it: Presidential.

In the third debate the following exchange took place which showed a desperate attempt to distract from an obviously negative situation.


Kerry: You led a coalition of Britian, the US and Australia into a viper's nest, spent $200 billion we needed for the war on terror on a dead end search for weapons of mass distruction that never existed, got 1000 marines killed, created unstability and strife for decades to come, allowed Osama Bin Laden to escape, and now can't even figure out a good lie to explain it all to your citizens in a debate.
Bush [screaming]: You forgot Poland.


Thus, the phrase "You Forgot Poland" becomes imbedded in popular culture and is now showing up in comedy routines everywhere. An obvious attempt to divert attention away from the main point which you've just been zinged with. It is roughly equivalent to Look A Monkey On A Bike or You Look Great in that Dress.

Years from now there will be another Presidential debate, and there will be an exchange like this:


Democrat: The President has never fully explained to the American People why we needed to drop nuclear bombs on Iran, Korean, Aruba, and the Republic of Quebec...
Republican[screaming]: You Forgot Poland!

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Live from New York

NEW YORK - All eyes will be on Ashlee Simpson Monday as the American pop singer tackles another televised live singing performance, two days after a botched appearance on Saturday Night Live.

Simpson sang her hit Pieces of Me without a hitch on the live comedy sketch show Saturday night.

However, when she returned for a second song, she was holding the microphone at her waist when strains of her singing Pieces of Me could be heard again over her band's playing.
The stray vocal track was quickly silenced while Simpson stood looking confused, attempted a few dance moves and then left the stage. The show then cut to a commercial...


Boy did she ever look confused. First she steals Jessica's drum loops. Now this. That family has some problems.

It was riveting to be a witness to history. Years from now, annoying kids will ask me, Hey, ass-clown, tell us about the great Ashley Simpson lip-syncing scandal of 20 odd 4. And I'll plug in my digital voice box and say, "It was a crisp Saturday night in October...blah blah blah...she was wearing a dress right out of the 70's blah blah blah" A few hours later they'll unplug me, put me back in my cryogenic unit, and throw things at my head and make Ebonics slurs.

This incident has clearly shaken my faith in the craftsmanship involved in this musical genre, which up until now has been both professional and dignified.
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Stampeders Near Win Marred

Never a dull moment with the Stampeders...

The Globe and Mail reports that the Calgary Stampeders have filed a protest with the Canadian Football League, saying game officials robbed them of a win last Friday and directed a racial slur at receiver Nik Lewis.

According to a report in Sunday's Calgary Sun, Stampeders receiver Nikolas Lewis claims a CFL official directed a racial slur toward him after the Stampeders lost a 19-17 game to the B.C. Lions on Friday.

Lewis told the Sun that during an on-field scrum at the conclusion of the game, the official said ''Get off the field, I don't understand Ebonics.''

The CBC quotes a story in the Globe & Mail based on a report in the Calgary Sun. That's more convoluted than the trick play the Stampeders tried to pull on the last play of the game.

But that was one slick trick play. We did'nt think Dunnigan had a play like that. You pass to a receiver, he boots the ball downfield, and another guy runs like crazy recovers the ball and runs into the end zone.

But unfortunately the referees did'nt understand the play and negated it with a penalty. So much for your 5th win of the year.

The Referee who blew the call and made the racial slur issued an apology:

First of all, I wish to apologize for the comment I made at the end of the game. I realize now they were unprofessional and just plain wrong. Holy shizzle, my nizzle! Did yizzle see da home-bizzle get kizzled? He hustlin for sho. I say why you all up in my grill yo? Get off da crib dawg.


Links:
The CFL Referees Official Site
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Eskimos Crushing Loss

While perusing media reports after the Edmonton Eskimos blew a big stinky one in Regina on Saturday, I noticed the repetitive use of the following words: crushed, manhandled, awful, implosion, eruption, weird, ugly, and thumped. The words I used were in the same vein but had somewhat more color and vigour.

Some of you wrote to point out that I wrote a parody of the Calgary Stampeders on a Weekend when the Stampeders had their best game ever and the Edmonton Eskimos blew the aformentioned wet fart.

At press time it was the Stampeders who were heavily favoured to be the ones eating crap while the Eskimos had more than favourable odds to beat Regina. Regrettably, we went with our gut instead of waiting for the results.

These things happen much to the chagrin of important media people like me. Imagine you're the publisher of the Chigaco Daily Tribune in 1948 and you wake up to find out that Thomas Dewey did not beat Harry Truman after all. That has got to hurt.

Well I've met with all our researchers, interns and divisional editors - across all our divisions - and I've expressed my disappointment that we got this one so wrong. We all agreed that we have to do better for you the reader in the future. Otherwise we run the risk of you not believing anything we say and we can't have that because we perform a critical service to the community.

You Calgary Stampeder fans can take comfort in knowing that in the last Stampeders game of the season there is a very real possibility that the outcome could decide whether the Edmonton Eskimos miss the playoffs for the first time in about 30 years.

If that happens we assure you we will cover it with fair minded dignity and balance.
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Best Song Ever

Best Song Ever

Wondering Where the Lions Are

Sun's up, uh huh, looks okay
The world survives into another day
And I'm thinking about eternity
Some kind of ecstasy got a hold on me
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Wreck of the Stampeders

Its bitter cold in Calgary today. The chilly wind is untypical of the post-Thanksgiving pre-Halloween period, yet not entirely unexpected. While that wind was blowing through me and I was thinking over my upcoming prostate exam, I could'nt help but think of that classic Gordon Lightfoot song The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

I had a friend, ironically named Ed, who insisted it was The Wreck of the Edgar Fitzsimmon and could not be convinced otherwise. I realized that in order to let him be the man he needed to be I had to stop arguing about it.

Anyway, around the same time this song popped into my head I looked over the hill and saw that the Calgary Stampeders were playing a home game against the Argos. Well, that Stadium certainly looked empty. A little demoralized are we folks? Next time some carpet-bagger wants to buy your team just say no.

So I started singing to myself and oops...

The legend lives on from McMahon on down
Of the big team they call the Stampeders
The team it is said, always rolls over dead
When the skies of October turn gloomy.

With a load of bad press, the Herald and more
Than their morale could possibly cope with
That broken team quite blue was a bone to be chewed
When the gales of October came early

The team had no pride after the labor day slide
Coming back from some drilling in Edmonton
As disasters all go it was bigger than most
With no chance of redeeming the season.

The wind in the stands made a tattletale sound
As the Ball came over their goal-line
And every man knew, as Dunnigan did, too,
T'Was the witch of October come stealing.

Does anyone know where the love of God goes
When turnovers turn the minutes to hours
Brian Williams had to say, they'd had victory today
If they'd left 15 penalties behind them.

The legend lives on from McMahon on down
Of the big team the call the Stampeders
The Stampeders they say, always roll over dead
When the gales of October come early.


Ok, enough already. Stop it. Yeah, I know Edmonton does'nt rhyme with Wisconsin. Its the rhythm that counts, you got to have the rhythm. And i got the rhythm, there's no doubt about that.

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Hamster Alert

OTTAWA (CBC) - Some hamster owners in British Columbia, the Prairies and northwestern Ontario are being asked to contact their doctors. The Public Health Agency of Canada is worried because some animals from a pet distributor in Manitoba have tested positive for Type B tularemia, a bacterial infection that can be transmitted to humans from rodents.

Thats what its come to then. While other Western nations struggle with the complex issues of Terrorism and War, the Canadian Government is issuing Hamster Alerts.

By the way, just how would the Government know you are a hamster owner? Be very afraid of this. Sure, they start out saying they just want a Hamster registry for "public health" reasons, but sooner or later, as history shows, the Government will come to take your sick Hamster away.

Democracy and Freedom can only be protected by well informed Citizens who know their rights. If the cops come to your door to hassle you for know reason I think they should be just a little afraid that you might have a sick Hamster. Only then will they think twice about being jack-booted thugs.

...

Dear Sirs,
I am greatly honored at being awarded the Nobel Prize. Unfortunately, I cannot travel to Oslo at this time as we have a sick Hamster in our home. With Hamster ownership rights currently under seige, we do not feel this is a safe time for us to travel. I had planned on sending my sister in my place, but her face is all swollen with what we at first thought was tularemia, but it turned out, get this...

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Free Smokes and Beers and Chicks

Free smokes and beers for anyone who shows up and does what they're told.

Details Here

Discretion please.
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Blog Live Coverage

Weeeere Back. I'm Brian Williams. Folks those last few posts were simply outstanding. By far the best I have ever seen and I've been at this a while. You won't want to miss the blogs coming up and not only that, up coming we'll have more on the Global Crouton, a new Survivor show, and an indepth special on how we spent our summer vacation. Back after this.

[akward tv pause]

Oh, sorry, I am this. Well anyway just hang on.



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Painting of the Month

Composition 7 by Wassily Kandinsky (1866-1944). I love this guy's paintings.

Wassily Kandinsky was one of the most original and influential artists of the twentieth-century. His "inner necessity" to express his emotional perceptions led to the development of an abstract style of painting that was based on the non-representational properties of color and form. Kandinsky's compositions were the culmination of his efforts to create a "pure painting" that would provide the same emotional power as a musical composition. The exhibition "Kandinsky: Compositions", organized by Magdalena Dabrowski and on display at the Los Angeles County Art Museum until September 3, 1995, presents these monumental works together for the first and possibly last time and provides an opportunity to witness the creative process of Kandinsky.

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Poll of The Week

Do These Pants Make Me Look Fat?
	No, the Fat Makes You Look Fat
	God Yes. Yes. Oh God Yes.
	I Love You Unconditionally
	Look! A Monkey on a Bike
Free polls from Pollhost.com

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Election Theme Song

I got that Joe Jackson song from the 80's stuck in my head and then I remembered that there was a provincial "election" coming up. Thus, a new theme song for the election:

Pretty women out walking with rednecks down my street
From my window I'm staring while my survey grows cold
Look over there! (Where?)
There's a liberal that I used to know
She's angry now a wing nut, or something, so I am told

Is she really going to vote for him?
Is she really gonna give him four more years?
Is she really going to vote for him?
'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me,
There's something going wrong around here

Tonight's the night for nomination meetings on my street.
They give me smokes and beer and tell me I'm real cool
Look over there!
(Where?) Here comes Jeanie with her signed up friends
They say that brains don't count for much
If so, there goes your proof

Is she really going to vote for Ralph?
Is she really gonna give him four more years?
Is she really going to vote for Ralph?
'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me,
There's something going wrong around here

Is she really going to waste a vote
Is she really gonna give them four more years?
Is she really going to waste a vote
'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me,
There's something going wrong around here

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