Monday, June 26, 2006

Pronger Wants Out

Not long after the Oilers ended their season it became known that Chris Pronger had requested to be traded.

Why on earth would anyone want out of Edmonton? *coughdumpcough*

This did not come as a complete surprise to me because even though he signed a five year deal the rumors were persistent. No one is really explaining the reason for the request which leaves the Edmonton Journal and Edmonton Sun no choice but to write mean and petty gossip. The Sun makes a personal attack on Pronger's wife referring to her as Yoko[1], then uses a deliberately deceitful choice of words that would leave stupid readers believing the Pronger marriage is in trouble, which in any case, is no one's business. Why don't they just get it over with and merge with the World Weekly News...or maybe even Macleans.

(Note: The Edmonton Sun Sunshine girls are looking especially manly and butch this week. And No, I don't want to know why.)

It is total speculation on my part, but what about some of the following possible reasons Pronger wants to move elsewhere.
a) The family finds the over the top obsessive know-it-all hockey culture and the petulant in-bred media a little too much.
b) They want to be closer to friends and family elsewhere.
c) Mayor Mandell has developed an unseemly crush on young Chris.
d) The family wants some privacy once in a while and realize they will never get it in Edmonton.
e) Dave Hancock.
f) Some other personal situation we don't know about, but would probably make sense to us if we did know.

Maybe once in a while people should just take a step back and shut the * up. Not everyone has to explain everthing all the time.


[1] Yoko Ono did not break up the Beatles and I get a little tired of hearing her name used as an epithet by careless writers. Go abuse someone who deserves it, like Celine Dion for example. Please recommend this post

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Eve and Malory

I was sitting in the library minding my own business diligently trying to read the thick and murky pages of Christopher Hitchen's Kissinger On Trial. (Which I highly recommend.) Then I noticed a trash novel sitting on the desk across from me. It looked so twisted I had to read the synopsis on the back cover:

"Eve has no idea why she's drawn to the rambling , run-down sorority house at Greenbriar University. There's something compelling about the sultry president, Malory Thomas, and when Malory invites Eve to join the exclusive Fata Morgana, the blond, All-American beauty jumps at the chance to be part of this powerful circle. But behind the facade of female bonding lies something far more sinister - a dangerously secret world of dark magic, unimaginable sin, sexual depravity, and murder...a place where evil not only exists, it thrives...and the cost of membership may be Eve's very soul..." - The Sorority Eve by Tamara Thorne

I'm guessing they're not education majors.

Dear person who writes back of novel stuff: Malory should have two l's. Never ever name a character eve, its crushes what little sublety there is in the story's metaphor. An exclusive Sorority would never live in a run down house. There is no such thing as unimaginable sin. The reason it is sin is because of its imaginability. You don't see a good looking woman and say, oh I'm thinking something sinful...can't put my finger on it...its unimaginable... We lack no details when it comes to sin.

Evil exists and it thrives. I'm so scared. Does it travel around and give motivational speeches? You never have to give up your soul for a sorority, just your brain cells. Could be Eve and Malory don't even have souls. Satan will be pissed when he gets inside them and finds nothing there worth possessing.

This book was probably written as bait for a movie. Satan will be trying to impregnate one or more of the C students in the Sorority, to usher in a apocalyptic age of evil and lower gas prices. He will be thwarted at the last minute by Keannu Reeves. There will be a lot of thwarting. Satan is mostly thwarted with wooden acting. Bruce Willis will run around mumbling in a pork pie hat. They'll be a few boobies.

Have you ever noticed that in American Cinema Satan is always thwarted, while in European Cinema he usually does quite well. I don't get that. Someone will have to do a serious study of that.

I definitely have to read more trash. I'm strangely drawn to bad writing. Feel free to throw that one back at me. Please recommend this post

Monday, June 12, 2006

Planting a Prediction

I woke up this morning thinking of Jacques Plante the Hall of Fame goalie who played from 1958 to 1974. I don't often wake up thinking of swarthy older Quebecois males but there was a piece of trivia that surfaced from my snake pit of a brain. Did you know that Jacques Plante was lured out of retirement to play for the Edmonton Oilers WHA team in 1974-75? This was before he died, but not by much. He had a respectable season that year (3.32) but the league was a little wacky. He played 31 games then retired for good no longer taking phone calls from Bobby Hull or Nelson Skalbania.

(Dude, run on sentences - ed.)

I would like to think that Jacques Plante is looking down from heaven and cheering on the Oilers for tonight's chance at winning their 6th Stanley Cup. An eerie otherworldly presence is just what the Oilers need to Ward off evil.

I noticed today that Jim Rome was talking about the seventh game. He rarely talks about Hockey. I also got the impression he was picking Edmonton to win. Once again the American Media is noticing the Edmonton Oilers. This should piss off the Fan960 radio station which hosts the Jim Rome show since they declared themselves the Official Carolina Hurricans Fan outlet.

Anyway, if the Supreme Intelligent Designer (God for the rest of you) would be so kind as to grant this presumptuous request, I hereby undertake the following solemn oaths.

1. I will become a Missionary. I feel I would be very good in this position.

2. I will give up arson, looting and vandalism on Whyte Avenue for a period of six weeks or months. Oh come on - which one of you has not set fire to something after a Hockey Game, I know I have. Do try to be a little less Victorian.

3. I will take Classical Guitar lessons.

4. I will wear an Oiler's Jersey throught the +15 in downtown Calgary. Repeatedly.

5. I will make the onerous journey to Edmonton for the Parade.

6. I will take in several Stampede Breakfasts wearing Oilers Gear, having always avoided them in the past due to health and sanitation considerations.

7. I will endorse Alana Delong in the Progressive Conservative Leadership race.

8. I will apoligize for saying back in January that it was time to clean house in the Oilers organization.

9. I will spend a moment or two to think about Garnet "Ace" Bailey who played for the Oilers in 1978/1979 and who was killed in the 9-11 attacks.

(That's only 9 - we need 10. Remember symmetry - ed.)

10. Ok. I'll refrain from looking at women with lust in my heart, for an appropriate period of time. Lets work out the details later.

Update - The Morning After: Well, that worked out well. Back to watching soccer players rolling around on the ground. Back to hating God. Pffft. Please recommend this post