Friday, October 29, 2004

Red Alert

Our Glorious Leader needs your help. While visiting Grande Prairie Glorious Leader uncovered a widespread conspiracy to defraud the taxpayer of their sweat-soaked loonies. This massive fraud is being perpetrated by none other than the Fake Disabled. Dear Leader believes that the extravagance of $800 dollars a month offered by the AISH program is attracting the wrong kind of people.

Our leader needs our help now more than ever and is now asking you to do your part in uncovering these con artists and getting them off the public purse.

What can you do to help?

Spot the fraudsters and expose them. Watch for people who are:

1. Smoking.
2. Wearing cowboy hats.
3. Yipping.
4. Trying to get sympathy instead of being manly.

Dear Leader also asks you to teach your children about self-reliance, sacrifice, and how to live without a respirator.

Report any suspicious people you find directly to the Leader so he can publicly denounce them, and let them know that you know about them.

Our Leader is always trying to outsmart the enemy, which is why he has three different web sites where you can report the suspicious activity of the so called "handicapped".
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Wetbacks of the North

Mrs. Annie Edson Taylor (left) became the first woman to challenge Niagara Falls in a barrel.

On October 24th 1901, her birthday, Taylor rode her barrel over Niagara Falls. She was a 46 year old widow and was a school teacher in Bay City, Michigan. She weighed 160 pounds. (That dress weighs 160 pounds. - ed) Taylor's barrel was built with white Kentucky oak held together by seven iron hoops. It was 22 inches in diameter at the head, 34 inches in diameter in the middle and 15 inches in diameter at the foot. The barrel was four and a half feet long and weighed 160 pounds. For ballast a 100 - 200 pound anvil was placed in the barrels bottom.

She began her trip just off of the American side of the Niagara River upstream of Goat Island. She was dressed in a long black dress and a flowery hat. About 600 feet from shore Mrs. Taylor climbed into her barrel so that she was standing on the anvil. The barrel was packed with padding and a small mattress and the lid was then screwed into place.

At 4:05 p.m., when released, the barrel flowed toward the Canadian side and over the Horseshoe Falls. Mrs. Taylor successfully endured the trip without any major injuries (slight cuts and bruises only). It wasn't until 4:40 p.m. that rescuers could get close enough to Taylor's barrel along the Canadian shore to let her out. The top of Taylor's barrel had to be cut away. When released from the barrel Mrs. Taylor said " nobody ought ever do that again".

The rescuers were fully aware that they were committing an indictable offense in Canada, by aiding an abetting illegal immigration. Between 4:05 pm and 4:40 pm the Canadian Immigration Service searched dilligently for Annie but were unable to locate her. When asked how they could miss picking her up given such an obvious public stunt, a Spokesman for Immigration Canada said: "Well we can't be expected to search every Kentucky Oak Barrel that comes over those falls. "

Mrs. Taylor was also charged with the less serious offence of Unlawful Conveyance of an Anvil or other Blacksmithing Device Across International Waters While Committing a Stunt but was never captured by Canadian authorities.
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No, I Did'nt Forget Poland

In all of three of the debates between Bush and Kerry it was obvious that Bush was beaten thoroughly. He was defensive, arrogant, petulant, evasive, condescending, and vague. Or as some describe it: Presidential.

In the third debate the following exchange took place which showed a desperate attempt to distract from an obviously negative situation.

Kerry: You led a coalition of Britian, the US and Australia into a viper's nest, spent $200 billion we needed for the war on terror on a dead end search for weapons of mass distruction that never existed, got 1000 marines killed, created unstability and strife for decades to come, allowed Osama Bin Laden to escape, and now can't even figure out a good lie to explain it all to your citizens in a debate.
Bush [screaming]: You forgot Poland.

Thus, the phrase "You Forgot Poland" becomes imbedded in popular culture and is now showing up in comedy routines everywhere. An obvious attempt to divert attention away from the main point which you've just been zinged with. It is roughly equivalent to Look A Monkey On A Bike or You Look Great in that Dress.

Years from now there will be another Presidential debate, and there will be an exchange like this:

Democrat: The President has never fully explained to the American People why we needed to drop nuclear bombs on Iran, Korean, Aruba, and the Republic of Quebec...
Republican[screaming]: You Forgot Poland!

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Live from New York

NEW YORK - All eyes will be on Ashlee Simpson Monday as the American pop singer tackles another televised live singing performance, two days after a botched appearance on Saturday Night Live.

Simpson sang her hit Pieces of Me without a hitch on the live comedy sketch show Saturday night.

However, when she returned for a second song, she was holding the microphone at her waist when strains of her singing Pieces of Me could be heard again over her band's playing.
The stray vocal track was quickly silenced while Simpson stood looking confused, attempted a few dance moves and then left the stage. The show then cut to a commercial...

Boy did she ever look confused. First she steals Jessica's drum loops. Now this. That family has some problems.

It was riveting to be a witness to history. Years from now, annoying kids will ask me, Hey, ass-clown, tell us about the great Ashley Simpson lip-syncing scandal of 20 odd 4. And I'll plug in my digital voice box and say, "It was a crisp Saturday night in October...blah blah blah...she was wearing a dress right out of the 70's blah blah blah" A few hours later they'll unplug me, put me back in my cryogenic unit, and throw things at my head and make Ebonics slurs.

This incident has clearly shaken my faith in the craftsmanship involved in this musical genre, which up until now has been both professional and dignified.
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Thursday, October 28, 2004

Stampeders Near Win Marred

Never a dull moment with the Stampeders...

The Globe and Mail reports that the Calgary Stampeders have filed a protest with the Canadian Football League, saying game officials robbed them of a win last Friday and directed a racial slur at receiver Nik Lewis.

According to a report in Sunday's Calgary Sun, Stampeders receiver Nikolas Lewis claims a CFL official directed a racial slur toward him after the Stampeders lost a 19-17 game to the B.C. Lions on Friday.

Lewis told the Sun that during an on-field scrum at the conclusion of the game, the official said ''Get off the field, I don't understand Ebonics.''

The CBC quotes a story in the Globe & Mail based on a report in the Calgary Sun. That's more convoluted than the trick play the Stampeders tried to pull on the last play of the game.

But that was one slick trick play. We did'nt think Dunnigan had a play like that. You pass to a receiver, he boots the ball downfield, and another guy runs like crazy recovers the ball and runs into the end zone.

But unfortunately the referees did'nt understand the play and negated it with a penalty. So much for your 5th win of the year.

The Referee who blew the call and made the racial slur issued an apology:

First of all, I wish to apologize for the comment I made at the end of the game. I realize now they were unprofessional and just plain wrong. Holy shizzle, my nizzle! Did yizzle see da home-bizzle get kizzled? He hustlin for sho. I say why you all up in my grill yo? Get off da crib dawg.

The CFL Referees Official Site
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Thursday, October 21, 2004

Eskimos Crushing Loss

While perusing media reports after the Edmonton Eskimos blew a big stinky one in Regina on Saturday, I noticed the repetitive use of the following words: crushed, manhandled, awful, implosion, eruption, weird, ugly, and thumped. The words I used were in the same vein but had somewhat more color and vigour.

Some of you wrote to point out that I wrote a parody of the Calgary Stampeders on a Weekend when the Stampeders had their best game ever and the Edmonton Eskimos blew the aformentioned wet fart.

At press time it was the Stampeders who were heavily favoured to be the ones eating crap while the Eskimos had more than favourable odds to beat Regina. Regrettably, we went with our gut instead of waiting for the results.

These things happen much to the chagrin of important media people like me. Imagine you're the publisher of the Chigaco Daily Tribune in 1948 and you wake up to find out that Thomas Dewey did not beat Harry Truman after all. That has got to hurt.

Well I've met with all our researchers, interns and divisional editors - across all our divisions - and I've expressed my disappointment that we got this one so wrong. We all agreed that we have to do better for you the reader in the future. Otherwise we run the risk of you not believing anything we say and we can't have that because we perform a critical service to the community.

You Calgary Stampeder fans can take comfort in knowing that in the last Stampeders game of the season there is a very real possibility that the outcome could decide whether the Edmonton Eskimos miss the playoffs for the first time in about 30 years.

If that happens we assure you we will cover it with fair minded dignity and balance.
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Best Song Ever

Best Song Ever

Wondering Where the Lions Are

Sun's up, uh huh, looks okay
The world survives into another day
And I'm thinking about eternity
Some kind of ecstasy got a hold on me

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Saturday, October 16, 2004

Wreck of the Stampeders

Its bitter cold in Calgary today. The chilly wind is untypical of the post-Thanksgiving pre-Halloween period, yet not entirely unexpected. While that wind was blowing through me and I was thinking over my upcoming prostate exam, I could'nt help but think of that classic Gordon Lightfoot song The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

I had a friend, ironically named Ed, who insisted it was The Wreck of the Edgar Fitzsimmon and could not be convinced otherwise. I realized that in order to let him be the man he needed to be I had to stop arguing about it.

Anyway, around the same time this song popped into my head I looked over the hill and saw that the Calgary Stampeders were playing a home game against the Argos. Well, that Stadium certainly looked empty. A little demoralized are we folks? Next time some carpet-bagger wants to buy your team just say no.

So I started singing to myself and oops...

The legend lives on from McMahon on down
Of the big team they call the Stampeders
The team it is said, always rolls over dead
When the skies of October turn gloomy.

With a load of bad press, the Herald and more
Than their morale could possibly cope with
That broken team quite blue was a bone to be chewed
When the gales of October came early

The team had no pride after the labor day slide
Coming back from some drilling in Edmonton
As disasters all go it was bigger than most
With no chance of redeeming the season.

The wind in the stands made a tattletale sound
As the Ball came over their goal-line
And every man knew, as Dunnigan did, too,
T'Was the witch of October come stealing.

Does anyone know where the love of God goes
When turnovers turn the minutes to hours
Brian Williams had to say, they'd had victory today
If they'd left 15 penalties behind them.

The legend lives on from McMahon on down
Of the big team the call the Stampeders
The Stampeders they say, always roll over dead
When the gales of October come early.

Ok, enough already. Stop it. Yeah, I know Edmonton does'nt rhyme with Wisconsin. Its the rhythm that counts, you got to have the rhythm. And i got the rhythm, there's no doubt about that.

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Hamster Alert

OTTAWA (CBC) - Some hamster owners in British Columbia, the Prairies and northwestern Ontario are being asked to contact their doctors. The Public Health Agency of Canada is worried because some animals from a pet distributor in Manitoba have tested positive for Type B tularemia, a bacterial infection that can be transmitted to humans from rodents.

Thats what its come to then. While other Western nations struggle with the complex issues of Terrorism and War, the Canadian Government is issuing Hamster Alerts.

By the way, just how would the Government know you are a hamster owner? Be very afraid of this. Sure, they start out saying they just want a Hamster registry for "public health" reasons, but sooner or later, as history shows, the Government will come to take your sick Hamster away.

Democracy and Freedom can only be protected by well informed Citizens who know their rights. If the cops come to your door to hassle you for know reason I think they should be just a little afraid that you might have a sick Hamster. Only then will they think twice about being jack-booted thugs.


Dear Sirs,
I am greatly honored at being awarded the Nobel Prize. Unfortunately, I cannot travel to Oslo at this time as we have a sick Hamster in our home. With Hamster ownership rights currently under seige, we do not feel this is a safe time for us to travel. I had planned on sending my sister in my place, but her face is all swollen with what we at first thought was tularemia, but it turned out, get this...

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Thursday, October 14, 2004

Free Smokes and Beers and Chicks

Free smokes and beers for anyone who shows up and does what they're told.

Details Here

Discretion please.
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Blog Live Coverage

Weeeere Back. I'm Brian Williams. Folks those last few posts were simply outstanding. By far the best I have ever seen and I've been at this a while. You won't want to miss the blogs coming up and not only that, up coming we'll have more on the Global Crouton, a new Survivor show, and an indepth special on how we spent our summer vacation. Back after this.

[akward tv pause]

Oh, sorry, I am this. Well anyway just hang on.

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Painting of the Month

Composition 7 by Wassily Kandinsky (1866-1944). I love this guy's paintings.

Wassily Kandinsky was one of the most original and influential artists of the twentieth-century. His "inner necessity" to express his emotional perceptions led to the development of an abstract style of painting that was based on the non-representational properties of color and form. Kandinsky's compositions were the culmination of his efforts to create a "pure painting" that would provide the same emotional power as a musical composition. The exhibition "Kandinsky: Compositions", organized by Magdalena Dabrowski and on display at the Los Angeles County Art Museum until September 3, 1995, presents these monumental works together for the first and possibly last time and provides an opportunity to witness the creative process of Kandinsky.

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Poll of The Week

Do These Pants Make Me Look Fat?
No, the Fat Makes You Look Fat
God Yes. Yes. Oh God Yes.
I Love You Unconditionally
Look! A Monkey on a Bike

Free polls from

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Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Election Theme Song

I got that Joe Jackson song from the 80's stuck in my head and then I remembered that there was a provincial "election" coming up. Thus, a new theme song for the election:

Pretty women out walking with rednecks down my street
From my window I'm staring while my survey grows cold
Look over there! (Where?)
There's a liberal that I used to know
She's angry now a wing nut, or something, so I am told

Is she really going to vote for him?
Is she really gonna give him four more years?
Is she really going to vote for him?
'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me,
There's something going wrong around here

Tonight's the night for nomination meetings on my street.
They give me smokes and beer and tell me I'm real cool
Look over there!
(Where?) Here comes Jeanie with her signed up friends
They say that brains don't count for much
If so, there goes your proof

Is she really going to vote for Ralph?
Is she really gonna give him four more years?
Is she really going to vote for Ralph?
'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me,
There's something going wrong around here

Is she really going to waste a vote
Is she really gonna give them four more years?
Is she really going to waste a vote
'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me,
There's something going wrong around here
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