Thursday, July 29, 2004

Corporate Shame

Molson and Coors have agreed to merge, finally consumating a year or two of longing glances. After a frenzied and writhing implementation of the merger, they will both now just sort of roll over and go to sleep for awhile. It was probably not nearly as good as they thought it would be.

The name of the new corporation will be baaaaraaaapppp. Previously, merger talks between Molson and Mattell broke down for undisclosed reasons. The two companies were working on cross-marketing ideas but could not come to an agreement. One idea was a deluxe version of the Easy Bake Oven which would include a Pizza Oven and a Micro-Brewery. Another idea was a new line of Barbies called Cougar Barbie Lounge Lizard. It could not have turned out well.

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Ignorant Males

This is a fairly good discussion about men who don't talk enough to their spouses or listen to them. Of course it is not really a scientific explanation, and is more than a little bitchy. (Woah dude, that's sexist). It turns out - get this - that women benefit from having good women friends to talk to to make for the lack of blah blah blah from their men.
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West Bank News

The Palestinian Prime Minister withdrew his resignation today, which had previously not been accepted by Chairman Arafat. Arafat however, did accept the withdrawal of the unaccepted resignation. The PM said that he had not decided whether to accept the acceptance the withdrawal of the unaccepted resignation, but said that he tentatively accepted an offer to think about it. A spokesperson for Arafat, late monday, explained that there really was no offer to think about the acceptance of the acceptance of the withdrawal of the unaccepted resignation. Then, the PM, in a heated exchange with a group of pharmacists, announced that he was now rejecting the idea of thinking about Arafat's offer to accept the decision to reject the unaccepted resignation, but added that he would go ahead and accept it, for now, without thinking about it too much. Arafat has not yet indicated whether he will accept the decision to not think about the acceptance of the acceptance of the original rejection, but did indicate he currently has no plans to object. Thus, the Palestinian authority was plunged into chaos and paralysis, according to the Palestinian security chief. He was quickly corrected by an Arafat spokesman who pointed out that it was mostly plunging into paralysis and was holding off on chaos while an evaluation could be done.

Meanwhile, a new terrorist faction calling itself the Palestinian Liberation Against the Rejection of the Offer to think About the Acceptance Front, or, the PLAROAAF, kidnapped two members of the Palestinian Pharmacy Association. The shadowy group indicated that they would probably be issuing a set of release demands but had not decided on the wording, or would just release the hostages without any demands if the demands could not be summed up in under 100 words.
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Workers Rights

MONTREAL - A food inspector in Montreal who was told last week to stop wearing a dress to work sported a new fashion accessory when he showed up for duty on the weekend – a long, dark wig. Patrick Le Lann began wearing women's clothing to work to protest against what he calls the city's discriminatory retirement regulations. Women employees can retire after 25 years of service, while men need 30 years to receive full pension benefits.

And so ends one man's dream of becoming the leader of the Conservative Party of Canada.

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Cause they're purdy?

In this months issue of Scientific American online, they finally answer the question that dared not speak its name for so long. Why do men have nipples?

I think their conclusions will help with any underlying conflicts.

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In a previous post we erroneously reported that a repeat offender had 63 offences when in fact it was 66. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. This type of sloppiness could really affect a person's reputation, and we are absolutely ashamed and remorseful for misleading our reader(s).
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Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Mimes Persecuted

Beloved French Mime Marcel Marceau, during a rare performance, points to something and makes a funny face. It was widely reported that this gesture was a criticism of George Bush and American Foreign Policy in Iraq. Marceau was immediately outed as a traitor on the Drudge Report and a boycott of French Miming is now gathering steam. A new Web site called received a billion hits within a few minutes of launching.  The Reverend Jerry Falwell referred to Marceau as "unamerican" and is organizing a 15 city mass burning of his cd's and records.

First they came for the Dixie Chicks, but i was not a country fan so I did not speak out.
Then they came for Martha Stewart, but I was not a home decorator, so I did not speak out.
Then they came for Whoopi Goldberg, but I was thin so I said nothing.
Then they came for Linda Rondstat, but I don't like Spanish-American-Swedish 1970's soft pop divas, so I did not speak out.
Finally they came for me, but only the Mimes were left.

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Summer Reading

Iris Murdoch, A Fairly Honorable Defeat
I had to read one of her novels because the movie Iris about Iris Murdoch's life (with Kate Winslet and Judy Dench) made me cry like one of those girly boys that the Governor of Caleefourneeyah hates so much.

Naomi Klein, No Logo
A scary book about advertising and globalism, written by the only decent writer ever to appear in the Globe & Mail.

Arthur Herman, How the Scots Invented the Modern World.
Laddy seems pretty sure the Scots invented everything good. It is thoroughly revisionist but who said history has to be accurate. It just has to be interesting. Besides, the Scots invented written history.

And between now and September: NO TECHNICAL BOOKS.

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Sunday, July 18, 2004

Rehabilitation is Imminent

TORONTO - A man police believe is at a high risk to reoffend was released from an Ontario prison Tuesday. [Loser], 31, has 63 prior convictions, including sexual assault, forcible confinement, assault and arson. He has spent 15 of the past 17 years in custody.

Later that day...

TORONTO - An Ontario man with 63 criminal convictions who is believed highly likely to commit more violent acts was charged with two new offences Wednesday. [Loser] was charged with breaching a recognizance and uttering death threats against a reporter one day after his release from prison led police to issue a rare public safety alert.

Its like a bad episode of Friends that just goes on and on and on and nobody will put a stop to it because there are certain people the Justice System just can't do anything for because they are incurably sociopathic but don't worry about those of us who have to lay awake and worry about our dog being raped or our sheds being burned down no problem just keep letting [Loser] out every two years yeah let him out no worries or maybe just stop charging him with stuff cause you know he just is not getting the social contract so what's the point hey I know just let him go for good, yeah, a new category of criminals that we never charge with anything again after say...50 offenses cause really whats the point its not working right and we could better use our resources on people who really appreciate the effort we put into arresting them and act like they're actually going to be sorry for their screwed up lives or whatever and another thing ... [GASP] ... [CLUNK]
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Focus on the Family

OSHAWA, Ont. - A nine-month prison sentence for an Ontario couple who subjected their adopted sons to 13 years of abuse was met with outrage yesterday after a judge ruled that punishments including keeping the boys locked in cages were the result of "general good intentions."

Outrage? Really. How quaint. I would have hated to be those kids if their parents had general bad intentions. I'd be willing to bet Ontario has more hillbillies than Alberta, though not by much. Maybe not total Hillbillies, but certainly per capita Hillbillies, that's all I'm saying. [Cue duelling banjos]

The important thing to remember is that incidents like these have nothing to do with the Common Sense Revolution or the firing of 6000 Social Workers. Please recommend this post

Star Trek Dialog of the Week

Doctor: Your hippocampus is severely agitated.
Seven of Nine: What does that mean?

What that means is bad script writing.  Why the hell would a writer have a character with superior intelligence just go "HUH?".   Seven is pretty smart. She learned a lot as part of the Borg collective. (Although she did marry poorly later on.) She would never say "huh?".

Rejected scene, episode #324-a
We are the Borg.  You will be...hang on...hey, whats that big word we use when we take species over...
I don't know...
You will be exonerated...resistance is...
Hey, I'm pretty sure its not exonerated. 
Sure it is. 
It is not it starts with an "A". Abdicated. [Throat clearing]
We are the Borg you will be abdicated. Resistance is futile.
Abdicated? You will be abdicated? That does not even make sense.
Silence. We have the wrong word. Stand by.
Excuse me, Borg leader...
Alien species, do not speak we are looking for the right word.
But I think your looking for the word Assimilated. 
Alien species you are correct. You will be assimilized...assimilated. Sorry. Resistance is futile. [Horrific scenes of assimilation] Okay. Can one of you please write that down for next time. Assimilated.
I feel you should let us go. You can't even remember simple words.
Silence alien species. We have already accordionized you.
And so ends another satire which went on far far too long.

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Headline of the week

as usual from the BBC world news....
Man snaps and 'hits girlfriend with alligator' after beer runs out.

This is a perfect example of a misleading headline. I'll bet you thought that the dude was mad at the girlfriend for running out of beer thus wacking her with the reptile.  Actually, it seems the chick was mad at not having beer which caused her to bite the dude which provoked the wack with the reptile by the dude. It is actually a pretty stupid story. Who knows what really happened.  Maybe they were watching The Passion of the Christ and were motivated to self-flagillation. This may have been embarassing thus leading to a fabrication about the beer, and the subsequent wacking.
Is it wrong for me to feel a strange attraction to this woman?
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Al-Qaeda 'dismantled' in Iran

BBC - Iran says it has located and dismantled all branches of the al-Qaeda network in the country. Intelligence minister Ali Yunesi said his ministry had stopped al-Qaeda's terrorist acts, state TV reported.

The Iranian government also announced that they had banned gravity, discovered a vaccine for shortness, and colonized Venus. During a rare press conference to discuss their amazing progress, the Iranian President beat a journalist to death with his left shoe.
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Profile in Courage

HAVANA - Wearing T-shirts calling for "Regime Change in the US – Not in Cuba," members of a U.S. humanitarian group defied U.S. travel restrictions and entered Cuba Saturday to deliver tonnes of desperately needed supplies.
Travelling via Mexico, U.S. members of Pastors for Peace chose to ignore tough new restrictions that limit travel to the Communist-run country knowing they might face prosecution or jail time upon their return home.
That threat did not seem to bother the group's leader, Baptist minister Lucius Walker, who called for an end to the 40-year U.S. embargo against Cuba.
"We know in our hearts and in our heads … that the blockade is immoral, is illegal, is illogical and is unjust," he said.

I shudder to think what BushCo will do to these guys. 
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Thursday, July 15, 2004

Bad Weather Report

Buffy Montague, our live correspondent in Edmonton, sends this photo, of the Whitemud Freeway, after last Saturday's major hail and rain storm.

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No, really?

OTTAWA - The former director of Canada's intelligence agency admitted Monday that Canada may have relationships with other agencies in countries that engage in torture. Ward Elcock was testifying on the first day of a federal public inquiry into the Maher Arar case.

Yes Ward, we already know that. When Western Democracies want information they can easily sub-contract the interrogation to a country that has no laws against torture. Of course that was before an all new and improved set of leaders came along and removed those silly stigmas attached to torture.

Can you really trust a guy named Ward?'re being just a little hard on the Beaver Ward...No, Honey, he needs to learn from his mistakes.  Dropping him off in Syria is just the discipline he needs...

I was disappointed to find out that Maher Arar's wife lost her election try and won't be entering Parliament. I was kind of looking forward to her asking Paul Martin questions about how a Canadian Citizen gets drop shipped into Syria. Of course she would not get an answer anyway, because Steampship Billy knows absolutely nothing about what happened in Government prior to his ascension to the throne.
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Love the Monkey, hate the sin

Washington - An experimental new HIV drug seems to protect monkeys from the infection...

As I keep saying, the only thing that will protect monkeys from HIV is abstinence. How many more monkeys have to die before they realize this. I blame the liberal media, that's who I blame.
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Monday, July 12, 2004

Queer eye for a plea bargain

BURNABY, BC - Former MP Svend Robinson plans to plead guilty to a charge of theft over $5,000 when he appears for trial next month, his lawyer said Thursday. Michael Bolton said his client wants to accept full responsibility for his actions and get the matter over with as quickly as possible...MP Libby Davies, a good friend who sat with him at the April news conference, says Robinson has been working on renovations at his house to occupy his time.

You steal a $50,000 big girly ring, your lawyers name is Michael Bolton, and home decorating. Could there be any more drama?

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Ode to Nora

LONDON - A lascivious letter that James Joyce wrote to his longtime lover and future wife Nora Barnacle sold for approximately $587,000 Cdn at auction Thursday.

Nora Barnacle? I dated this girl named Nora, but she was no Barnacle if you know what I'm saying. Nowadays I suppose she would be Nora Barnacle-Joyce. Its hard to believe that the same guy who wrote Ulysses wrote something lascivious. We used to read Ulysses aloud as a family, especially on Christmas eve. Do people even use the word lascivious anymore?

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressinggown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him on the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned: ...

You'll have go to Project Gutenburg, download your own copy of Ulysses and find out for yourself what stately and plump Buck intoned. And believe me, Buck does intone.
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Money for nothin' degrees for free

EDINBURGH - Rowling receives honorary degree

British author J.K. Rowling joined the 2004 graduating class of Edinburgh University Thursday as the school granted the Harry Potter creator an honorary degree and praised her for making reading "cool."

Rowling announced that the working title of her next Harry Potter book will be Harry Potter and the magic idea of not going to University but still making millions of dollars and then laughing while poor people who did go to university hand you a degree... Seems a little wordy.
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Friday, July 02, 2004

Shooting Fish in a Barrel

Edmonton - A former assistant deputy minister who stole more than $100,000 of taxpayers' money has been given nine months in jail. Ray Reshke, who worked at Alberta Infrastructure, billed it for work worth $106,000, which was never done. He also charged $18,000 in personal expenses on his government credit card.

Looks like somebody fell out of favor with the Inner Circle.

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Zoo locked down after false tiger scare

Calgary - The zoo was locked down for about 90 minutes Wednesday morning after a keeper mistakenly thought all the tigers weren't accounted for. Shortly after the facility opened, one of the keepers told a co-worker that he wasn't sure where all the tigers were. The keeper, who has worked with tigers and bears at the zoo for about 30 years, appeared agitated and confused, zoo officials said.

We suggest that the Zoo take a page out of Homeland Security's highly successful COLOR CODED TERROR ALERT LEVELS, except we would rename it to COLOR CODED TIGERS MAY BE MISSING ALERT LEVELS. Green: All Tigers locked up and sleeping - we guarantee it. Yellow: Do we only have 4 tigers? Pink: Um, no we have 6 tigers. Red: Run.
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Daddy Can't Come to the Phone Right Now

According to Henry Kissinger's phone transcripts, recently made public, Richard Nixon was too drunk to take a phone call from the British Prime Minister. (That can't be right. I read his autobiography and he spent most of his spare time in Prayer.) Apparently there was some major crisis going on somewhere and World leaders were conferring. But Dick was too zipped to come to the phone. That makes me feel real good.

Twenty years from now we'll find out Tony Blair was trying to get a hold of W on some critical issue but he could'nt come to the phone because he was choking on a pretzel or falling off a Seguay, and as a result a whole bunch of people died.
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Letter #5

The Honourable Mr. Murray Smith MLA, Energy Minister

Dear Sir,

Just a little note to let you know how well utility deregulation is going in our little house. I was sitting in Church on Sunday and I thought to myself: Jesus would deregulate. I'm sure of it. After all, when he miraculously fed 5000 people there was no pinko government subsidies involved were there? I think that speaks to me. Anyway, you are so right, this was a fantastic idea and I don't know how to adequately thank you and the Premier. I was glad you ignored all those economists with their fancy degrees and such. Sure my electricity and natural gas are more than twice what they were two years ago but the thing is, they are now delivered to my house by a "free market" instead of those unreliable communists on committees or whatever. Sure, there is only one player in the free market, but I believe you when you say companies will flock to Alberta and drive the price down by undercutting each other. My wife just does'nt get it though. She just bitches about not being able to buy baby food and blah blah blabiggity blah. I keep telling her that there is a price to pay for freedom and that Team Klein is ALWAYS right. but she just gets mad. Anyway, I was wondering if you could see your way clear to just sending her one of your wonderful color brochures about deregulation. (I liked the one with the smiling Seniors wearing nice sweaters.)

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Letter #3

The Honorable Lyle Oberg MLA, Learning Minister

Dear Sir

I heard a rumor that the Teachers were getting uppity again and wanted to let you know. I have an idea. Why not humiliate them with drug testing? I'm sure that there have to be more than a few crack heads in that crowd because many of them are liberals and NDPs. We could really embarass a few of them and then they'll think twice about asking for more money or better working conditions. We need to stop this communism and you're the only one I have confidence in to do that. By the way, I was glad to hear we taxpayers got to send you to Vietnam for 3 weeks to promote Alberta Beef. You sure are good at spending our money wisely unlike those stupid Liberals out east. I was so mad at the CBC for not correctly explaining how your trip helped students. I hope your friend Mr. Harper unplugs those guys.
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Seven of Nine or More

This article shocked and disgusted me. Who would do that to their wife? This guy was running for office before this story broke, and has a big speech on his web site about family values. After the story broke he dropped out of the election and blamed his problems on the media. Warning: this story is a little raw.

Remember shock and disgust.

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Dar Found Guilty

Dar Heatherington was found guilty of mischief this week, and could face up to 5 years in the big doll house, where all the prisoners wear Lingerie and take showers all day. (I saw the documentary) While being sentenced, Ms Heatherington wore a tight fitting red dress making her look a little hippy. She will now have to resign her position on City Council before the local Church Ladies show up with pitchforks and torches.

Its hard to say what her real problem is. Maybe she has delusions and cannot distinguish reality, or, maybe she is just a pathalogical liar. In either case she has what it takes to get to the next step in her career. I'm thinking a Calgary Sun columnist...or maybe a media laison for the Progressive Conservative Party of Alberta. The sky is the limit.

But Five of Five still thinks it would be kind of cool to have an unpredictable spouse like Dar. Hey honey, I'm in'll never guess what happened to me...anyway, I'll explain later... Something special every day, just like Focus on The Family suggests.

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Bishops Against Violence

Violence against people offends God himself, who made humans in his own image, the Vatican's foreign minister, Archbishop Giovanni Lajolo, said in a pre-recorded television interview due to be broadcast later on Friday. He condemned the abuse of Iraqi prisoners, made public last week, as episodes of brutality, contrary to the most elementary human rights and radically contrary to Christian morals. The scandal is even worse if these episodes were committed by Christians," Lajolo said in the interview...You have to emphasize, all the same, that in a democracy such offences are not hidden away -- as is the case in the United States, where those responsible are judged and punished along with their superiors who did not fulfil their duty to monitor them," he said.

I'm glad the Archbishop picked up on this. Very astute. They can spot evil doers half way around the world but seem to never be able to find the ones they employ.
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Smooth, very very smooth.

With the election over, the corporate pollsters can now get back to what they do best...

Toronto, Ontario – According to an Ipsos-Reid poll conducted on behalf of Veet, Canadian women who remove hair do so from a mean average of 2.5 body parts. Incidentally, both legs count as one body part. In looking specifically at leg hair removal, the majority (69%) of women in Canada have removed leg hair in the past month and 37% removed unwanted leg hair in the past day/few days. Few Canadian women (13%) say they have never removed leg hair. Typically, leg hair is removed more often in the summer than in the winter. Overall, more than half (56%) of women who remove leg hair do so at least once a week in the summer, decreasing to 28% in the winter. The majority (83%) of Canadian women who remove leg hair do so by shaving, 14% by waxing and 9% use a depilatory or hair removal cream.

And then...

An Ipsos-Reid poll finds that 48% of Canadians are planning on taking a vacation this summer.

How many women shave their legs for Vacation? How many women who vote Conservative shave their legs at all? Are waxers more prone to Western Alientation?
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