Monday, February 28, 2005

March Reader Poll

The Hottest Female Star Trek Character
Kate Mulgrew - Captain Janeway
Majel Barret - various roles
Jeri Ryan - Seven of Nine
Kirstey Alley - Lt. Savik
Jolene Blalock - T'Pol
Marina Sirtis - Deanna Troi
I only read Shakespeare and David Frum
Bugger off

Free polls from
Please recommend this post

Your Daily Reading

Linda McQuaig writes a brief op-ed about Missile Defense.
read it

Maureen Dowd writes about the surreal spectacle of George Bush lecturing Vladimir Putin on open government and media.
read it

David Holohan writes about Intelligent Design. (Every once in a while you read something and you say to yourself, Man, I wish I could write like that...
read it

William F. Buckley gyrates and twitches trying to parse George Bush's sloppy and weird Inauguration speech.
read it

I expect a brief 50-100 word report from each of you by the end of the day. Original thoughts only please. Please recommend this post

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Maher Arar and Ernst Zundel

You would probably not often see those two names in the same context, and indeed they have nothing in common with one another. Except that they were both kicked out of the United States, but with completely different considerations.

I was just reading this excellent article by Bob Hebert at the New York Times. He interviews Maher Arar about his ordeal in Syria. Its really heartbreaking to read in detail about what happened. The man is lucky to be alive.

Around the same time the story broke that Ernst Zundel was being punted across the pond, back to Germany. But it is not the romanticized neo-nazi paradize that Zundel yells about, but rather it is the Germany that is going to throw him in jail. Here, he was our #1 promoter of racial hatred. Over there he'll just be just another neo-nazi that no one cares about. Germans have a much more refined understanding of the nuances of white supremacy rhetoric and will deal with Zundel under their laws. Is'nt that ironic?

I hesitate to even write about Ernst Zundel because it is a pointless conversation. Merely acknowledging that he exists is extending too much attention. But it did strike me as a major contradiction in the different ways Zundel and Arar were treated. Arar transfers planes in a U.S. airport and is essentially kidnapped and shipped to Syria. Zundel, spends years tying up the courts in both the U.S. and Canada. The U.S. decides after a long while to throw him out and sends him back to Ontario not Syria. But not after extending the maximum amount of due process possible. Meanwhile, the National Post et al fixates themselves to death on a Romanian Stripper and a low-level con artist Pizza maker.

The policy as I understand it: When dealing with white supremacist neo-nazi hate mongers, extend them all the due process you can, and if you must deport them deport them to Toronto. Brown people with funny names should go straight to Syria.

With Maher Arar we will never ever know what happened and who made what mistake. Due process and transparency do not apply. You might as well be arguing with the East German government in 1960.

I've been thinking a lot lately about alternative universes. Somewhere there is an alternative universe where Ernst Zundel steps off a plane, gets kidnapped by the INS/CIA/FBI/DHS who then drop ship him to Tel Aviv. For some strange reason the Mossad thinks Zundel knows something they need to know and tortures him for a few years. Every once in while, but not often, someone says, hey, whatever happened to that guy in the hardhat.

Please recommend this post

Flying Monkey Carbon Tax Hysteria

Flying Monkey award of the week.

Over at the Calgary Herald, their lead Business writer Charles Frank goes round and round in a big circle about how there is a secret clause in the latest Federal Budget to plunder the Alberta treasury with a Carbon Tax. It is so secret, in fact, that the author cannot reveal any facts.

The author starts out with a shocking revelation: Buried deep in the nether regions of this week's federal budget is an incendiary paragraph that could pave the way for a carbon tax.

The next nine paragraphs are boiler plate diatribes about Trudeau and the National Energy Program. The diatribe goes on a bit long and you have to flip to page E9 from the front page of the business section to get back to the original story line. Its like someone telling a really really long not so funny joke that you've heard before, but you feel you have to be be polite and listen to the end, and then fake a sincere laugh.

Finally, deep in the bowels of page E9 scrunched up next to unflattering pictures of Remax top sellers we finally get to the heart of the matter. The text in the budget that will ruin all of our lives and kill our puppies is this: For any environmental goal it is important that consideration be given to all of the available policy instruments and that solutions be identified that produce the best results for the environment.

So there you have it. You may now become hysterical and phone Charles Adler.

The general quality of writing throughout CanWest/Southam sure has gone down hill. Turgid prose which takes innuendo and active imagination and presents itself as fact is too dull to read, especially when our personal band-widths are getting more and more crowded. After the first paragraph it ceases to be Journalism under any traditional definition. The author uses enough weasel language to indicate that his heart really is not in the argument.

The general philosophical statement of seeking balance between economic and environmental policy has been in the liberal playbook forever, and does not indicate or foreshadow a specific policy. The problem is that the federal Liberals have really only talked about this kind of stuff and not actually done very much. Paul Martin is certainly less committed to Environmental policy than Chretien or Trudeau were.

Read the Article here
(Subscription required)

Please recommend this post

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Thursday's Musings

I'm starting to hate Thursdays. Always acting like Fridays but really they're just second rate Wednesdays. No one ever says, boy am I glad its Thursday. Nobody ever says I'm glad its the upper latter mid-point of the week.

In honour of Johnny Carson I have a punchline without a joke. The punchline is: Are you sure it was'nt Star Jones in a fur coat? I'm counting on someone out there to supply the joke. But, you have to admit, the punch line almost stands on its own.

I almost went to Thailand last month. Thank God I did'nt go when Star Jones was there. I might have seen her on the beach and gone blind. The Lord was looking out for me and I feel blessed.

They were interviewing Jolene Blalock on the radio last night. She seems pretty smart and articulate for a hoo-hoo girl. All the Enterprise cast is out doing the circuit trying to reverse the show's cancellation. Its an ok show. Not as good as Voyageur. Voyageur had really well written stories and who could resist that Your mom is so hot charm of Captain Janeway. But I thought Enterprise was a little too violent. I always believed Star Trek was a metaphor about the role of the United States in the World. (Scott Bakula has a really big nose, but not as big as that guy in the Life Of Brian who got punched out at the Sermon on The Mount.) Maybe this is it, maybe there won't be any more Star Trek stories. That would push a few geeks off the deep end.

Somewhere in an alternate universe David Frum just shot himself and Hunter S. Thompson is writing his Eulogy. Thompson's last column is about him making a 3am call to Bill Murray to propose a new version of Golf involving shot-guns.

You can read it here but it seems they are having a lot of band-width problems.

I just watched this terrible terrible movie called The Garage. It was a remake of a Japanese horror movie and starred Sarah Michelle Gellar and a cast of many many horror stricken Japanese people. There was no Garage in this movie, but they kept talking about how something really bad happened in The Garage. That chick from the Ring with the creepy long black hair was in this movie, but I have no idea why. Please recommend this post

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Weekend Update

Weekend update...

Because freedom is on the march, the Michael Jackson of Iraq (right) can now use a baby as a prop in a religious procession. Can we please stop dangling babies for publicity.


Another techy email from IBM with the following advice:

You provided IBM with your e-mail address so that we could keep you informed of important events and new business solutions. If you want to be removed from the IBM e-mail list, please send an e-mail to IBM Developer Suppression.

What the heck is Developer Suppression? Why do they want to suppress me? I should be suppressing them, they brag way too much. Go suppress yourself I've got a headache. And hire an English major or two for God's sake.


(CNN) BERLIN, Germany (AP) -- A new luxury hotel will open next month on the site of Adolf Hitler's Alpine retreat, which served as a part-time seat of government where he and other Nazi leaders often met to plan Germany's assault on Europe and the Holocaust. The new hotel, the Intercontinental Resort Berchtesgaden, will open on the Obersalzberg mountaintop to guests on March 1, the Bavarian Finance Ministry said Thursday.

Personally, I don't think I could stay there. Its probably haunted with some very angry ghosts.

Yeah, is this the Concierge? Ah yes, this is 301. Could you please send up a map of Poland. Yeah...and also, do you know how far the Czech border is from whats that road like?

[a couple of hours later - knock knock]


Oh hello, I'm the Hotel Manager.

Is there a problem?

Well you see, this is kind of embarassing really, but I have to let you know that we have a strict policy about European conquest. Quite silly really, but we have had some problems in the past.

Oh, ok, well...

And also, we don't really allow visitors after 11pm so I'm afraid all those Generals are going to have to leave for the night.

Oh, they were just on there way.

Ok thanks.


Star Jones weighs in on the Tsunami tragedy and the wonderful mercy of God:

What Star Jones said:

"I was in Thailand for my honeymoon just a month ago. Thank God the tsunami didn't happen then. The Lord was looking out for me and I feel blessed."

What Jon Stewart said:

"God killed 160,000 people. Just because you werent there, thats not him blessing. My guess is that was an oversight. Seriously how far up your own ass do you have to be? I was almost killed in the Kennedy assassination. Six months before that, I was in a convertible."

What I said:

If she was dragged out to sea, it would have to be filmed and sponsored. This washing out to sea of Star Jones has been brought to you by... She would just float right back. Some people can't be shut up.

So this got me to thinking about having a swimsuit issue. I'm proud to present our first ever annual swim suit edition:

Click here for swimsuite issue

As they say in Calgary, whenever the Flames win: Oh Baby, you can put that one in the win column.


From the Guardian UK:

It appeared to be one of archaeology's most sensational finds. The skull fragment discovered in a peat bog near Hamburg was more than 36,000 years old - and was the vital missing link between modern humans and Neanderthals. This, at least, is what Professor Reiner Protsch von Zieten - a distinguished, cigar-smoking German anthropologist - told his scientific colleagues, to global acclaim, after being invited to date the extremely rare skull. However, the professor's 30-year-old academic career has now ended in disgrace after the revelation that he systematically falsified the dates on this and numerous other "stone age" relics.

I hate it when real and important science gets compromised by a clown. Now the creationist or intelligent designists or whatever they are calling themselves these days are going to use this as proof that evolution is bogus. Monkey trials everywhere. So what if the Neanderthals never lived in Northern France. They probably just did'nt like the caves.



The National Post goes hunting for Nazi war criminals:

Dr. Efraim Zuroff, a leading authority on Nazi war criminals, wants Canada to make a final push to hunt down such criminals. The world's foremost Nazi hunters want to place a bounty on Nazi war criminals hiding in Canada as part of a last-ditch plan to bring ageing Holocaust perpetrators to justice before they die. Discussions for a Canadian launch of Operation: Last Chance, an international effort by the Simon Wiesenthal Center, comes as the Jewish organization's chief Nazi-hunter, Efraim Zuroff, blasted Ottawa's handling of war criminals. He said the federal government's record of prosecuting those accused of committing atrocities during the Second World War and now living in Canada is dismal and distressing. "One of the places where nothing is happening is here. There is certainly a lack of political will in Ottawa," said Mr. Zuroff, who is based in Jerusalem and was visiting Toronto yesterday. "Canada is a safe haven for these guys. Sometimes the government does something to annoy them, but they don't get rid of them. It's like a hockey player who makes the moves, but can't put the puck in the net.

Its sort of a bad strategy though, tipping your hand like this. I'd be willing to bet that 9 out of 10 Nazi war criminals are daily readers of the National Post. Read their letters section, come on.



Atwood up for Booker

(CBC) WASHINGTON - Margaret Atwood is among a list of prestigious nominees for the first Man Booker International Prize. Atwood joined a celebrated group of contenders from 13 countries for the new $140,000 literary honour. She will compete with 17 authors, including Saul Bellow, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Gunter Grass, Ian McEwan, Philip Roth and John Updike.

That's quite the crowd to be in.



George Michael announces and explains sudden retirement

(BBC) Singer George Michael has said that a new film about his life is the start of a retirement from public view. The pop star said it would be a much more "behind the scenes affair", and called his own genre of music "dead". "I thought I should explain myself before I disappear," said Michael, who was at the Berlin film festival to launch the documentary. The film, A Different Story, chronicles Michael's life and career from the 1980s and his personal struggles. The 41-year-old chart-topper told reporters in the German capital that he wanted to "move his career into a different form", but added that he does not know what it is going to be yet. "I'm still going to be making music," he said, but added that he was "not going to be around".

Once in a while the punch line just writes itself: "Its always nice to go out at the top of your game."

Letters we got on this:

Dear Sirs,

Its hard hard work staying at the top all the time.


Anna Kournikova

Dear Sirs,

I understand where he's coming from. I've been thinking of scaling back a bit.


Leonard Nimoy

Dear Sirs,

Man, I was so lucky to get out when I did.


Pete Best



Catholic bishops: Over 1,000 new claims of abuse

(CNN) WASHINGTON (AP) -- The nation's Roman Catholic bishops said Friday that over the last year they received 1,092 new allegations of sexual abuse against at least 756 Catholic priests and deacons. Half of the accused priests over the past year had been previously accused of abuse, said Kathleen McChesney, executive director of the bishops' Office of Child and Youth Protection.

The Office of Child and Youth Protection? That's beyond creepy. I'll bet the Office of Child and Youth Protection gets quite a bit less money and attention than the Office of Preventing Gay People from Being Happy. If they put as much energy into fighting this as they do in fighting homosexuals then they could probably make some progress.



Speaking of institutional perversion. Steve West defends severance package:

(CanWest) Premier Ralph Klein's former chief of staff says he deserves a $180-thousand severance package after six months on the job. Steve West says he came from a very lucrative job in the private sector and the amount of money he made at his government job was less than half of what he previously earned.

So...he gave up what job exactly? The Inspector General of Dog neutering for the county of Glenfiddich? Its not the tax-payer's fault that West was a miserable failure in the impossible task of baby sitting Ralph Klein. When he was hired the Premier had lost control of everything and was drifting aimlessly. No one was about to listen to anything Steve West had to say. One thing the Tories have been pushing is the idea that every government department has to develop business plans and meet performance objectives. I think its called accountability.


Finally, a useful article from Fortune Magazine, explaining why CEO's are like babies. You would think that an article like this would not go over very well in Fortune Magazine. As you read it you may find yourself saying eggzactly out loudly.

Read it...


(CBC)TORONTO - The companies that sell auto, home and business insurance to Canadians have reported record profits of $4.2 billion in 2004 – a figure the Consumers Association of Canada called "obscene." The industry's 206 companies also reported record return on equity of 20.6 per cent last year. "These financial results confirm that the P&C [property and casualty] insurance industry has returned to financial health following a period of the weakest earnings in its history," said Stan Griffin, president of the Insurance Bureau of Canada (IBC).

More Alberta Tory math: So lets policy drops by $10 per year, but If I'm in an accident and get a "soft tissue injury" I better hope its an under $4000 soft tissue injury, otherwise I'll have to dip into that $10/per year savings reserve fund.


From the Sunday Mirror:

CAMILLA BANNED FROM WHITE HOUSE - GEORGE Bush has banned Camilla Parker Bowles from the White House - because she is a divorcee. The unprecedented snub has effectively sabotaged Charles's plan to take his bride on a Royal tour of America later this year. But the US President - a notoriously right-wing Christian and reformed alcoholic - told aides it was "inappropriate" for him to be playing host to the newly-weds, who are both divorcees.

They'll yank her off a plane, send her to Cuba in a hood, then claim there was a mix up with a terrorist named Camilla Tariq'Ak Barqoui. Can't wait till Charles drags it to Canada and the Monarchist League of Canada goes all nuts. What position will they take? On the one hand they are obsequious boot lickers...but on the other hand they can't very well be seen to approve of a commoner in the Royal Family. At least not an un-photogenic one. Oh, what a dilemma. Well at least Charles will leave Prince von Ribbentrop at home. Won't they have to give Camilla a title of some sort? Did'nt they make Wallace Simpson the Duchess of something something. She was quite un-photogenic as well. Can't wait to see how that plays out. I mean, everybody likes an accident scene. Oh like you don't read the articles about those two.

___ Please recommend this post

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Daily Update

I say, the news is rather odd today, to wit:

(CBC)FRANKFURT - Doctors believe three German patients contracted rabies after receiving organ transplants from the same woman. The three people are in critical condition, the German Foundation for Organ Transplants said Wednesday. The organ donor had shown no signs of rabies before she died of a heart attack in late 2004, but tests have now proved that she had the viral disease, the foundation said.

Well, now that you mention it she was foaming at the mouth and barking. We thought she was just crazy, and when we see a crazy person its policy to take their organs. We are determined to get to the bottom of this. My associate Dr. Nick Riviera will be heading up the investigation. But you have to admit, Rabies, come on who would have thought of that. Frankly we think the media, specifically the CBC, is just trying to stir of trouble here.


(BBC)Nigeria transvestite handed fine...The judge told 19-year-old Abubakar Hamza, who used his female identity to sell aphrodisiacs, to desist from "immoral behaviour". Mr Hamza, who appeared in court dressed in a pink kaftan and matching cap, said he was now "a reformed man". Since his arrest, he has become a celebrity in the strict Muslim city.
Posters of him dressed in women's clothing have been selling well.

After some discussion, we determined that transvestite is the correct term here. It simply means someone who wears opposite sex clothes. However there is still a raging debate over transvestism vs. transvestitism. The latter sounds too much like hypnotism, but don't send me any poetry. And if you wake up one day wearing some chick's clothes, I suppose you could say Hey man, I've been tranvestitised.

I think the guy is courageous to try this in a Muslim country. Obviously the courts did'nt find it amusing even though he has quite a pretty face when he's done up. Sometimes a guy can see another guy as being pretty and it does'nt mean anything except he's pretty. Just sayin...


Giants to tackle Viagra spam ring

(CNN)The two [Microsoft and Pfizer] are filing 17 parallel lawsuits against two "international pharmacy spam rings" selling what they claim are generic versions of Viagra online. Pfizer said two websites named in the suit sold "potentially dangerous medications" unapproved by regulators.

Glad to know these two fine corporations are on it. I always look to Pfizer to tell me what drugs are not safe, and to Microsoft for secure computing. I'm sure they'll continue to work hard with a sustained vigor. What are parallel law suits? If you have 4 lawsuites and 2 of them go off at 90 degrees and sort of fall over do they become parallelogrammatic law suits? Anyone? Okay, you're a lawyer and a senior partner walks in and says, Bobby, those three parallel law suits you got going, the partners feel the clients would be better served by a right angle triangle law suit. Eventually, the lawyers are walking around with thick books on Pythagorus. (Oh, must I explain who Pythagorus is all over again.)


(CBC) EDMONTON - A former Alberta cabinet minister [Steve West] known for slashing government payrolls received a severance package of $180,000 after a few months on the job as Ralph Klein's chief of staff.

Not bad for a years worth of work that produced nothing of value except getting fired. But he did not do as well as Murray Smith who got a 1/2 million dollar severance along with a patronage appointment to be Alberta's Chief Bootlicker in Washington D.C. How do you get a severance and continue to be an employee?

The part that bugs me is that for 8 years West insulted every government employee and department he could find claiming they were lazy, corrupt, and overpaid. I guess he was partly right.


(CNN) Michael Jackson was on his way to court when he was taken ill. Mr Jackson, 46, fell ill on the way to court in Santa Maria on Tuesday where he was due to attend the jury selection process in his child abuse trial. Judge Rodney Melville, who is in charge of the trial, has postponed jury selection until next Tuesday morning. Mr Jackson has denied 10 counts of child molestation. Late on Tuesday, Chuck Merrill, a physician at the Marian Medical Center, said Mr Jackson was suffering from "a flu-like illness with some vomiting."

One of these days he will vomit and his nose and chin will just go flying off. I know for me when I vomit from the flu I immediately rush over to the emergency ward. The hospital I go to is really good. They have nice amenities like the red wine and the tuck in. I'd be vomiting too if Kobe Bryant was the best character witness I could come up with in a rape trial.


(CNN) Two "Dogs Playing Poker" paintings cleaned house at Doyle New York's annual Dogs in Art Auction, fetching a staggering $590,400, the auction house said.

Before the sale it was estimated that the two rare paintings from Cassius Marcellus Coolidge's 1903 series of dogs playing poker would fetch $30,000 to $50,000, Doyle said in a statement after Tuesday's auction.
The auction house said that, after intense bidding, "A Bold Bluff" and "Waterloo: Two" sold to a private collector from New York City. The buyer was not identified.

Of course Coolidge did have a few failures in his early career. Nine gerbils playing Dominos was widely hated by the critics.

The buyer was not identified? No shit. Sold to the batty dude with too much money and the sack over his head.

So...just after they sold the Monet and the 300 year old Wine, the auctioneer with a snooty tone says...The sequential narrative follows the same players in the course of a hand of poker...In the first painting, the St. Bernard holds a weak hand as the rest of the dogs maintain their best poker faces. In the next scene we see the St.Bernard raking in the large pot, much to the very obvious chagrin of the other I hear half a million pounds...ah is that Lord Black...

That St. Bernard really pisses me off. So smug.


(CBC) A new reality show will aim to find the next Janis Joplin. Called Search for the Pearl, the series will feature auditions by vocalists trying to mimic Joplin's rough-voiced style. Perhaps best known for her cover of Kris
Kristofferson's Me and Bobby McGee, Joplin had a brief career before dying from a heroin overdose in 1970 at the age of 27.

O God no please stop. There was only one Joplin. Go imitate Amy Grant or something. Or here's an idea, stick all the contestants on an Island and give them an unlimited supply of Heroin. In related news...Renee Zelwegger will play Joplin in an upcoming bio movie, but fortunately they could not get rights to use any of the music.

Please recommend this post

Friday, February 11, 2005


Mr. & Mrs. Major Kipper Parker
Request the honor of your presence
At the marriage of their daughter
Camilla Parker-Bowles
Charles Philip Arthur George Windsor
Duke of Windsor
Son of The Unamused One & Phil The Greek
Marriage Ceremony to take place at 3:00 Pm
Holy Sisters of the Jesus-She-Really-Really-Is'nt Amused Cathedral
Reception to Follow
Shaganappi Golf & Country Club
Cocktails @ 6:30 pm
Dinner @ 8:00 pm
The Bride is Registered with Marks & Spencer

Formal Dress
No Kilts
No Nazi Insignia
Proof of Aristocracy may be required.

Valet Parking (See Lord Black)

Please recommend this post

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Hockey Hearthrob Besmirched

The Moscow Times checks in with:

Hockey heartthrob Pavel Bure is suing Arbat Prestizh for 300 million rubles ($10.66 million) after the cosmetics chain's free promotional paper ran an article in which Bure brags about taking the virginity of tennis princess Anna Kournikova.

If the Russian-born National Hockey League star wins the suit, it would be one of the biggest awards for libel in the country's history.

"I believe that the magazine Arbat Prestizh Telegid disseminated information inconsistent with reality [and] besmirching my honor and dignity," Bure said in a filing to Moscow's Tagansky district court last week.

Took her Virginity? Where to? Having seen her play tennis a few times I've noticed she often gets her lunch money taken. Of course Kournikova will have to counter-sue Bure. How many women want to hear their ex base a law suit on the idea that their intimate moments caused him to be besmirched and de-dignified. Then Federov will counter-counter sue because after all, if Pavel has been besmirched then it seems to follow that Sergei was as well. A number of times probably, if you believe the Hockey News. Then Enrique Junior will have to sue somebody because you don't talk about a guy's girl like that. They'll all end up in court with Russia's version of Judge Lance Ito who won't understand a thing about anything and will spend years ruling on the sealed manilla envelopes people keep sending him. Finally, Jane Austin will be dug up and called as an expert witness on courting protocols. Sooner or later Chretien will show up with his golf balls and that will cause a mis-trial.


Dear Sirs,

After reading this story I was so distraught I immediatedly dropped from #2 to #7 in the Women's Tennis Association rankings.

Amelie Mauresmo


Dear Sirs,

The players need to understand that the owners are totally united on this issue of protecting young russian woman tennis players, and thats why we need cost certainty through a salary cap.

Gary Bettman


Dear sirs,

Hey, if you guys need some extra money or something for legal fees or whatever.

i'm just saying...


Jose Theodore's mother


Dear Sirs,

Yeah, and I'm sitting here with three screaming babies married to that chick from full house. That's the way its always been, Pavel always gets besmirched never me.


Valerie Bure

Please recommend this post

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Super Bowl Positives

Things that went ok at the Super Bowl

1. Terrell Owens did not accuse any teammates of being gay.
2. Paul Mccartney did not get acid reflux, his band played the right songs in the right order, and his boobs stayed in his shirt.
3. Former presidents Bush and Clinton were chumming around together promoting their role as goodwill ambassadors for Tsunami relief.
4. Former president Bush did not vomit on anyone.
5. Former president Clinton did not...well nevermind.
6. No one made racist comments with a microphone in their face.
7. The next day, the media was talking about the game, not about some freak, or some freak's sister.
8. No one mocked the dropping of the pants in the end zone.
9. Orenthal James stayed home.
10. Charlie Daniels did not pass out and fall into the mosh pit, thus saving the lives of many.
11. No female reporters had to interview Joe Namath, thus avoiding the dreaded drunken Celebrity French Kiss.

All in all, kind of dull.

Please recommend this post

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Answering Maching #1


Hello, you've reached the Vatican, world headquarters for Catholicism. No one is here right now because we are very busy dealing with the heathen. Please leave a message after the beep.


[cough][cough]yeah, this is the Pope...[dry heaving noises] yeah, I don't think I can make it in today I'm pretty sick. [cough], so I'll call back later to update you...[wheezing]...oh yeah, can you please get Cardinal Biffle to start looking at those Gap Commercials with Sarah Jessica Parker, we need to get going on condemning those. [cough]. Bye.

Please recommend this post

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

My Girlfriend is Mean and I'm Not Gay

Hi. Whats up y'all. My name's Jeff Garcia. You might remember me as QB for the Calgary Stampeders. Fourth leading passer in Club history. Y'all might of read some crappy stuff about me lately.

First I'm not gay. I'm dating a Playmate of the Year. Terrel Owens said that about me because he was a crappy reciever and coach would'nt let me throw to him very often. Where's he now? Exactly. In retrospect, I should not have started phoning up media outlets to deny that I was gay. That appears to not have helped much. Now they follow me around to see if I'm with a girl.

Then one night we head out to this bar in Cleveland called Tramps. Carmella - that's my Playmate of the Year girlfriend which proves I'm not gay - was in a foul mood, and I knew something was going to go off. Later, my ex shows up (also a woman) and starts causing trouble. I just wanted to leave but Carmella was dancing on a table. When she does that I just sort of ignore her. (Unless she tells me to do something) Suddenly it was like a Quentin Tarantino movie she was kung-fuing the ex swinging off this pole.

When I saw her swing off that pole and kick my ex in the head I was totally amazed man. I never saw anything like that in Calgary. She's such a dainty thing. It must have been those Rasberry Vodka Coolers. Later I said, hey, where'd you learn to swing off a pole like that but she just glared at me.

Well now we all have to go to court. I hope they put me on the stand and ask if I'm gay.

Some of you are making jokes about how my girlfriend had to fight another girl to protect me. Someone even joked that if my front line in Calgary had protected me like that we might have won more Grey Cups. That's not very funny. The truth is I was on the injured reserved list at the time so if coach found out I was scrapping in a bar with a chick he would not be a happy man. He's already over the edge about the gay thing.

Another thing, Carmella is not the "reigning" Playboy Playmate of the Year because Playmates of the Year don't reign. It's not like she runs around with a Tiara opening kids hospitals. God I hope she does'nt read this. Your always the Playmate of the Year for that Year its not like they all of the sudden decide they need a new Playmate of the Year for 1986. And the funny thing is they can't take it away from you because they found out you posed in Playboy. Ha! That one cracks me up.

Anyhoe, gotta run.

With non-gay material kindly provided by: Please recommend this post

Right Out of The Ball Park

I was just listening to Janeane Garofalo on the Radio, and she was talking about David Frum. She called him an "all around douche bag". I thought that was pretty good, although understated. You don't often hear that kind of thing on the radio. It made me perk up.

Now a bit of sociology to explain: The Douche Bag Drain is the opposite of the Brain Drain. The Brain drain is when talented people go to work in the United States. Naturally, we would prefer these type of people stay here and work. The Douche Bag drain is the opposite. That's when people who are useless or obnoxious migrate to the United States (or Switzerland) and we end up pretending we don't know they're Canadian. Celine Dion? Canadian? Really? No I think she's Romanian. Yeah...I'm pretty sure.

Well that was nasty little piece, but I felt we needed to get it out of the way. I'm always happy to clarify these little things.
Please recommend this post

Nazi Cleanup in Oregon

Nazis in Oregon? I thought they were more in Idaho and Lake Chapparal.

Nice to see they are suppporting their community as opposed to annexing Poland or committing mass murder. I wonder if they know that when they adopt a highway they have to clean up the trash from the ditches twice a year. I wonder if they'll only pick up the white trash. Don't you see the irony of the master race walking around with those little pointy sticks picking up trash. They'll probably use it as a teaching opportunity...Look around you Jimmy, trash everywhere, and do you know where it comes from? That's right Jimmy, the black man and the Jew put it here to keep the white man divided and confused...

I was thinking it would be fun to drive down that highway and throw paperbacks written by famous Jewish authors into the ditch. A little gas on the fire never hurt anyone.


Dear Sirs,

I once gave this crazy interview in Russia and I was going on and on and on and you know what - the translator was getting it all wrong. Anyhow, I just wanted to say those guys in Oregon probably have a lot of good ideas about looking after that highway. Lets just hope they don't go too far.

Bobby Hull

Dear Sirs,

The problem with Nazi Germany as everyone knows is that the master race had no cost certainty and therefore could not remain competitive.

Gary Bettman

Dear Sirs,

Sounds fab. Do you know if they have an summer intern program?

Prince Harry

Dear Sirs,

In those dark dark days following my Abdication, the Duchess and I and spent many lonely days in the Castle, our friends and family seemingly abandoning us, with only our undying love one for another keeping us sustained. Of course the garbage did pile up in the driveway. One would have given anything for a few kind Nazis to drop by and help us out, but alas, it was a time of war.

Duke of Windsor (Posthumously)

Please recommend this post