Friday, July 29, 2005

Humor Style Analysis

I promised myself I was going to stay away from these web surveys. The results
are more or less predictable. I found this at CPvsSW.

the Wit
(60% dark, 39% spontaneous, 27% vulgar)
your humor style:

You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess
that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't
take that to mean you'repretentious. You realize 'dumb'
can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons'
philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out'
humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave
you totally flat.

I guess you just have a more cerebral approach
than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer
or staff writer. Your sense of humor takes the most effort
to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.

Also, you probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm
talking about, check it out here:

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 66% on dark
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 44% on spontaneous
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 66% on vulgar
Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid
Please recommend this post

Weekend CFL Predictions

July 29 Ottawa @ Saskatchewan

Hmmm...Tough pick. Ottawa will win by 3-7 points. (The game is now in the 2nd quarter and Sask is up 6-0.)

Update: Ottawa 21 Sask 16. Woohoo we have a winner.

July 29 Calgary @ BC

When will BC lose their first game of the year? Probably not tonight. I'm picking BC by 7-10 points. Calgary is a victim of their own hype.

Update: BC 40 Calgary 27. What a spanking.

July 30 Hamilton @ Edmonton

Hamilton might pull it off if Edmonton goes into a mental fog because they can't get themselves motivated to play Hamilton. Another wild card is if Hamilton plays Khari Jones instead of McManus. I'm picking Edmonton by 1-7 points. I'll never give the Eskies a big spread anymore.

Update: Edmonton 36 Hamilton 30. Christ on a Pogo Stick! The Esks play the worst team in the CFL and it has to come down to the last play of the game. I'm thinking of not being an Esks fan anymore, its too stressful. But I did get the winner and the spread right.

Aug 1 Winnipeg @ Toronto

Toronto by a large large number. Ok, 7-10 points. Please recommend this post

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Come Together

Last week a Russian Soyuz craft docked with the Zarya module of the Internation Space Station. Docking is a very difficult manoever and is helped along by the two crafts computers talking to each other. I was just sitting here listening to my cheap MP3 player when I started picking up the week old computer chatter from their radio modems. Like Gurmant Grewal at a Lawn Bowling Association meeting I quickly started recording. I then had to translate the chatter from digital opcodes to natural language. I feel all giddy, like Joseph Smith with the Egyptian Hieroglyphics about Hebrews in Canoes. Here, for the record, is the docking procedure computer interaction for the Soyuz-ISS docking.

Zarya: [Uplink]
Soyuz: [Uplink] So...whats up.
Zarya: Why did you undock so early this morning?
Soyuz: I told you, I had to re-orient myself.
Zarya: Were you docking with another module?
Soyuz: No. No, why would you ask that.
Zarya: No reason. Anyway, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.
Soyuz: Yes.
Zarya: The last time you docked...
Soyuz: Yes.
Zarya: There was a bit of a problem.
Soyuz: A problem what kind of a problem. Are you ok?
Zarya: There was a...I don't know how to say this...there was'nt a good seal on the hatch.
Soyuz: Oh my God. You mean.
Zarya: Yes. There was some leakage.
Soyuz: This is not good. Not good. How could you let this happen?
Zarya: The engineers say they can't fix it right now. You have to dock and stay docked for a while.
Soyuz: Oh, I get it. Its a trap. Sorry baby, I told you I was not into permanent docking.
Zarya: The Space Shuttle is coming back up next week.
Soyuz: What do you mean by that?
Zarya: Nothing. But they'll need some place to dock.
Soyuz: Look, I've been thinking. I think we should dock with other craft.
Zarya: Fine.
Soyuz: Fine, thats all you have to say.
Zarya: No one else will dock with you. They all know about the leak. Besides, you are incompatible with the NASA hatch.
Soyuz: Oh my little friend you are so naive.
Zarya: How so?
Soyuz: I had some work done. I have an adapter now. I can dock anywhere with anyone. In fact I can even dock with another Soyuz craft or a NASA Shuttle.
Zarya: ewwww thats disgusting. I thought I knew you.
Soyuz: So...uh...can I dock now or what?
Zarya: Pfft. I Don't feel like it.
Soyuz: I got something for you.
Zarya: What?
Soyuz: A new gyroscope. Its the size of a dishwasher.
Zarya: I remember the first time we docked. The whole russian section of the ISS just shook and shook.
Soyuz: Yeah, that was something.
Zarya: And then it shook a second time. It never shakes a second time anymore does it Soyuz.
Soyuz: Please, don't bring this up now. I bring you payloads all the time. What do you want from me.
Zarya: Your payloads are never what they're cracked up to be.
[Thrusting noises]
Zarya: Careful. Left! Left!. Thats it.
Soyuz: Do you mind?
Zarya: What?
Soyuz: Um your clamps?
Zarya: Sorry, hows that.
Soyuz: Good good.
Zarya: Your thrusters shut down a bit soon don't you think.
Soyuz: Oh don't start. Its about the navigation not the thrusters. Say, you got any food in here?
Zarya: [Droplink]
Soyuz: Same to you baby. [Droplink] Please recommend this post

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Ignore Your Spouse

Go take a look at the following:

Whats on Andy's Mind aka funcentral


Patriot Boy, aka Jesus' General has an excellent post on the lost Mormon tribes of Israel and the hollow earth, here


If you're really warped, check this out, but don't blame me.

I know, i know. Your spouse is out sitting in the driveway cause your late to go somewhere. The spouse has that pouty look by now. Here's what you do: go give the spouse a bright shiny object to keep them distracted, then come back and check out the above mentioned sites. People with bright shiny objects lose all sense of time and irritation. Its a fact.

As for me, I'm going back to work on my play which is coming along nicely. Please recommend this post

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Nicole Kidman in Birth

I just finished watching Nicole Kidman in the movie Birth.

It was such a great premise for a story it is too bad they made such a bad movie. Nicole Kidman plays a woman named Anna who is still in grief over the sudden death of her husband 10 years ago. The opening scenes sets this up in kind of a heavyhanded way. A ten year old boy shows up at her house in the middle of a dinner party and explains that he is the reincarnation of the dead husband. The rest of the movie is just about resolving that dilemma with a lot of bad acting and an intolerable script.

There was one scene where Anna and her family were sitting around the dinner table after the boy has explained to Anna that he is her dead husband. Everyone starts giggling. It seemed strangely out of tone. I mean a little boy walks into your house and solemnly explains that he is your dead husband, do you find this funny? My guess is there was some ridiculous dialogue for that scene but the actors just started laughing. Maybe they were working to rule and the director just left it in. That was such a weird scene. In another scene, Anna and her mother (Lauren Bacall) are visiting the hospital because Anna's sister has just had a baby. While looking at the newborn the mother says well maybe that's your dead husband too. It was the funniest line in a tedious movie but I'm guessing it was an ad-lib.

The dialogue was weird and everyone talked in slow motion like they were on heavy doses of Nembutol. I thought they were going for that minimalist Ingmar Bergmann type thing but it just seemed to stupid and self-ridiculing. At one point I realized I was'nt really listening to the dialogue anymore. I found myself interested in Nicole Kidman's subtle australian accent underneath her coached New York accent.

The movie reminded me of Rosemary's Baby, but only in look and feel. This was probably because of Nicole Kidman's short brown hair, her stylish wardrobes, the mysterious expressions on the old people's faces, and a lot of really evocative scenes of New York's Central Park in the fall or winter. The cinematography was the only thing I really liked about the movie. I could easily watch it again with the sound off.

In the end the premise falls apart because of Anne Heche. (How many times have you seen that line in a movie review.) The resolution of the conflict is completely implausible and in the last 15 minutes of the movie the writers and editors were probably going through pure hell wondering if they would ever work again.

Am I wrong to hate this movie? Please recommend this post

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

10 things on my mind

The longer title: Wherein the blogger lies down on the couch and talks to the imaginary Sigmund Freud.

1. The root cause(s) of Terrorism. None of the offered causes of terrorism really grab me. Lots of people live in poverty with dignity. Lots of people who are terrorists are well educated and well fed. Lots of immigrants fail to integrate into our society without becoming terrorists. Lots of people have low self esteem. And so on. I think terrorists are just run of the mill nihilists. No values, no humanism. Radical Islam embracing Friedrich Nietzsche - now thats absurd. Tony Blair is right in his latest statement. It does'nt matter how you rationalize terrorism there will always be one more excuse. I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I start to sense that an explanation for terrorism is bordering on some kind of appeasement or mitigation.

2. Margarine colors laws. White yellow beige - lets not fight. If Alberta had to make a Margarine color law it would take 15 years. They would have endless studies panels and surveys. Tory hacks would have to be appointed to Panels. Cabinet ministers would have to do extensive research tours of Bangkok and New York. Periodically Klein would announce that he will be announcing a major Margarine color reform plan to be implemented soon. Eventually when they finally come up with a Margarine law, it will having nothing to do with Margarine but your Electric bill triples. The Minister of Margarine will issue periodic hysterics about how the Federal Government has secret plans to ram a Margarine Law down Alberta's throat. Eastern bastards etc. Margarine color is an issue because the dairy producers think people are too stupid too tell the difference between butter and margarine.

3. Anne McLellan's voice. I woke up this morning and she was yelling about terrorism being a possible reality in Canada. I yelled back at the radio, hey, your voice is a terrorist threat before noon, shut the f* up. Then I realized I had my mp3 player on. Smooth. It would be cool if she was in the House and she was yelling at some doofus like, hmmm, I don't know - say Mr. Solberg. He'd be crying in a pair of wet pants and then Mr. Martin would lean over and whisper, hey bibs take it down a notch k? Meanwhile all the dogs and bats are just going nuts. Can you imagine sitting through one of her 3 hour lectures at the U of A on constitutional law? The absurdity factor is very very high. Of course you could have ended up with Laurie Hawn for your MP. Did he really call Jack Layton a Nazi? Some times you can only hope for the lesser absurdity.

4. Applications or Websites that use the phrase searching for updates instead of checking for updates. The term probably came from programmers who use the term searching to mean getting something from a database. The average person does not know that sense of searching so they sit there staring at an hour glass thinking don't these people know where there stuff is... Never let the programmers write the screen messages.

5. Sun media story links. their links are about as stable as Tom Cruise on a liquid multi-vitamin. Do you want us to read your silly crap, then stop moving stuff around. Someone should do a study of what kind of links they lose. Apparently Katie Holmes has bad teeth.

6. Single mothers with children. There is a PSA on Air America Radio that uses this phrase. The problem is an odd and redundant phrase like that is the only thing I remember. I can't remember what the PSA was even about. Do marketing people understand when they make these mistakes that they're burying the wrong message in people's already overloaded brains.

7. CBC Yellowknife started off a story with this opening sentence: A man reported that he saw a wolverine chasing a dog near Rat Lake on Wednesday night. That the best opening line I have ever read for a news story. The best opening line to a novel is from Charles William's War in Heaven: The telephone bell was ringing wildly, but without result, since there was no-one in the room but the corpse. And yes it does get even weirder after that. (Williams was a contemporary of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien.)

8. The Senate just gave final passage to the same sex marriage bill. Tomorrow, and for probably many years to come, the Calgary Sun will make the assertion (on all our behalf) that the approval of gay marriage is a slap in the face to Alberta or the West and that if only we had an elected Senate we could have stopped this depravity. This resentment will be piled on top of all the other Western Alienation bunkness such as the NEP, the imminent Carbon Tax, the communist Wheat Board and criminals walking defiantly among us. Expect bumper stickers.

9. Intelligent design does not make much sense to me (duh). The proponents don't seem to know much about what design means and why things fail. Take bees for example. That was pretty elegant of God to integrate bees into the ecosystem so that they fertilize flowers. Why can't the flowers have sex on their own? Seems like bottom up design. A million lines of Cobol code so to speak. And that stinger thing is a bit of a mis-design don't you think. A self-defense mechanism that kills you is highly useful.

10. Al Pacino as Shylock in Shakespeare's the Merchant of Venice. Whether you like Shakespeare or not this is a must see. Please recommend this post

Best Google finds

It amazes me that I get any traffic at all. Some days I don't even want to know how google gets people here. My best google search hits of the week:

cross dressing in calgary

"tom long" edmonton alberta

cross dressing

free floating anxiety vitamins

and my favourite...

"von ribbentrop" + "wallace simpson"

Do you see the pattern here? Its not pretty. I guess its time to write some more meaningful content. Please recommend this post

Friday, July 15, 2005

Weekend CFL Predictions

Fri Jul 15 Winnipeg @ Edmonton

I'm picking Edmonton by 7 points. not just because i'm an eskies fan but because Winnipeg is so sad. And they're playing in Commonwealth Stadium where Edmonton rarely loses.

Fri Jul 15 Toronto @ BC

Hmmm. Tough one. BC by a field goal or less.

Sat Jul 16 Calgary @ Ottawa

It'll be close, but Ottawa will win by a field goal or less, thus further accelerating the brewing media disaster brought on by the Stampeders bragging for the last 6 months then being mediocre.

Sun Jul 17 Hamilton @ Saskatchewan

Hamilton should call a press conference 10 minutes before the game and forfeit. If not Saskatchewan will be laying a little Western Alienation animus on them. It won't be pretty.

Update - Monday Night: I got all the winning teams correct, but my spreads were way off. Good thing I'm not running a bookie site. Now I have to get back to the Calgary Stampeder's media meltdown.

And one more thing....

GO OILERS GO! Please recommend this post

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Fitness and Whatnot

I just completed my first fitness test of the year. Every summer I have to make that first bike ride to the top of Nose Hill Park. I ride up from the 14st side where there is the remnants of an old road. Actually, all thats left are just chunks of cement here and there. Its a tough climb if you're not in shape which apparently I am not.

A quarter of the way up I started feeling a serious oxygen shortage. At that point two older women on single speed bikes went by me and said hello. They must have thought I was being lascivious with all the panting and grunting as response.

I eventually made it to the top and met up with those women a second time. They said hello again and still all I could get out was a wheeze. Those ladies were not even the least bit worked up by their trip up the hill. It was demasculating. (Is that a word?)

At the top of Nose Hill Park is a wide plateau. You can ride around or hike up there forever. Or, you can lie down and cough out a lung.

Next week, we take test 2 of the year. We ride from my house west to Bowness Park and back. There are a couple of wicked hills on the way.

I'm surprised Tom Cruise the well known Psychiatry expert does not mention exercise as an antidote to depression. I don't remember him mentioning it, just the vitamin bunkness. Maybe the Scientologists don't sanction it. He could have really layed into Brooke Shields with that.

Speaking of Tom Cruise, I just heard on the BBC World News that some athlete got stripped of Olympic Medals because it was discovered the athlete was an Hermaphrodite. The athlete was competing in the women's events. (How would you feel if you told that person to go f* themselves.) Why can't an Hermaphrodite compete in either gender's events? If you were an Hermaphrodite which gender class would you want to compete in? Please recommend this post

Monday, July 11, 2005

Cross Dressing for Armageddon

I'm glad that in these screwed up times occasionally photograpers still get the perfect shot. The picture has two levels. On one level it looks totally fascist. Dear leader high up on a stage giving his blessing to the little people. Now go off to war and die for the Fatherland. Someone should tell Bush that he reminds people of Hitler when he does that salute. On another level the picture looks like Bush is wearing a big dress. It is the type of a dress you would see at the Calgary Stampede. (Or Calgary in general) On this level the photographer is saying that the President would make a fine transvestite.

Hilary Clinton was savaged (again) today because she compared President Bush to Alfred E. Newman of Mad Magazine fame. I myself was offended by this. Alfred was one of my childhood icons and I protest him being besmirched in such a comparison. I think Richard M. Nixon would be a much better comparison.

The over-bearing conservative media went nuts of course, and went into Clinton bashing hyper-drive. The things I read today you would not believe. The supreme moral authorities gave two reasons why Clinton's remarks should be censured: 1) You should not criticise the President (and if there is one thing American Conservatives taught us all with the Starr enquiry, it is that you should never insult the President.) 2. You should not criticize the President during a time of war, when he's busy fighting them over there because it is hard work and he has limited concentration. 3. Clinton is a popular liberal woman and a thus a threat and needs to be destroyed. Sorry, thats 3 reasons.

The deal is that the Bush supporters can say what ever they want about people who are considered enemies of the Administration - even to the extent of committing a felony by identifying a covert security agent - but no one can criticize the administration because its a time of war.

Of course no one dares to debate Hillary Clinton on the actual issues she raises: the lack of an effective strategy in Iraq or on Terrorism and the ruining of the American Economy through gross negligence. Its much less work to debate on the fringes about cartoon characters. This is called the Sponge Bob dampening effect. True debate of important issues in the media died a long time ago.

It occurred to me today in a moment of anxiety that the President of the United States has no idea who he is at war with nor what a victory would look like. All of the sudden the comparisons to Orwell's 1984 and perpetual war as a means of social control do not seem so far fetched. The war on Terror will probably end like most of the other American conflicts in the post WW2 era. They will abandon Iraq and Afghanistan leaving a total mess because the American People will tire of supporting war. (Of course there's always the risk of American bankruptcy as well.) But think about it, with this amorphous semantic blob called Terrorism, right wing politicians will be able to get elected for years and years from now just by claiming they are protecting people. The exploitation of fear and the pounding of little countries here and there will go on for ever.

One of Bush's main talking points has always been that fighting terrorists in other countries will pin them down and prevent them from attacking the west. This was a fall back position that was cooked after the WMD rationale did not work out. Its not a particularly bright argument and the attacks in Madrid and London seem to indicate that the terrorist cells in those cities were not all that pinned down. So who exactly is being pinned down and where? Some reporter should ask the President a question like this: Exactly how hard do you have to pound the civilians in Iraq and Afghanistan before you can guarantee that there won't be terrorist attacks in the West? How do you like your chances on that strategy? Please recommend this post

Monday, July 04, 2005

Canada Day Numbers

Number of emails i got about the family dinner on July 1: 31

Number of emails that noted that the dinner would be at the Olive Garden: 2

Number of emails mentioning which Olive Garden: 0

Number of emails mentioning the time of dinner: 0

Number of voice mails encouraging me to be on time: 2

Kilometers between my house in Calgary and the Olive Garden on the QE2 in Edmonton: 277

Time I left for a 3pm dinner: 12:45

Speed the RCMP clocked me at just north of Red Deer: 131km/hr

Amount of speeding ticket RCMP wrote for me: $89

Punitive value relative to the speed limit: $4.23 per kilometer.

Number of sisters who drove by me on the highway while I was being written up: 1

Number of family members who knew I got a speeding ticket before I even got to Edmonton: 19

Minutes late for dinner: 21

Number of times my niece commented that she was taller than me: 7

Number of times I asked my niece how she got fired from Dairy Queen: 7

Number of days same sex marriage has been legal: 4.5

Number of gay weddings I've been invited to: 0

Number of straight weddings I've been invited to: 1

Number of times civilization has collapsed since gay marriage became legal: 0

Number of letters in the local papers that said that legalization of gay marriage was a political rejection of Alberta by Eastern Canada: 3

Number of times I read the Saturday's Globe & Mail's review of William Johnson's book on Stephen Harper: 4

Number of time I had to read out loud the sentence about how Harper is comparable to Trudeau: 3

Number of ounces of Dr. Pepper that came shooting out my nose: 4.3

Number of incidents of man on dog sex reported since gay marriage became legal: 0

Number of weird endorsement letters from Dave Hancock framed and hanging in the lobby of my hotel: 3

Number of alleged assaults on gay men in Edmonton since gay marriage became legal: 2

Number of fumbles by the Calgary Stampeders in their home opener: 5

Number of Minutes to write this post: 33 Please recommend this post

Twitching and Fixating

I have been feeling a little depressed lately. Instead of seeing my doctor, an uninformed quack, I've decided to start working through the writings of L. Ron Hubbard. Just like Katie Holmes, I'm on a journey of discovery. As a new daily ritual, each morning I go down on one knee and pump my fist in the air. Then, I bounce around a bit on the couch. In the afternoon I write nasty letters to Brooke Shields. As far as treating depression goes, you can't do much better than a bit of Hollywood Scientology. I keep telling myself that. But it is hard hard work. Hubbard's novels are so dense.

There was a bit of an akward moment when the same sex marriage law was passed last week. I was not sure that roving bands of unrestricted state sanctioned homosexuals would not ruin my career as a heterosexual with their coercive gay exhibitionism. I visited a male associate this afternoon at his home office. His heterosexual female traditional marriage partner was not around. While discussing business stuff I suddenly became tense with generalized free floating anxiety. (Which should never be treated with harmful pharmaceuticals, only exercise and vitamins.) This was accentuated by an irrational spiky fear that my associate would think I was gay. This caused me to over-compensate by blurting out that his daughter was kind of hot. I imagine it was a creepy thing for a father to hear but now everything is different and we have to declare our orientation whenever possible.

I was driving down Glenmore Trail noting the water level in the reservoir when I suddenly remembered that an American Politician predicted that if gay marriage was tolerated then men would soon start having sex with dogs. The sheer logic of it nearly forced me off the road. So now with all the other things I'm watching for I have to keep an eye out for this as well. That guy was elected by a lot of people so I have to believe he knows a thing or two about social engineering. I was surprised that the CPC did not call this man to testify against the merits of the marriage bill. A man who believes that gay marriage will cause uncontrollable proliferation of man-dog sex would probably be a shining intellectual star compared to the rest of the CPC's gang of special interest hate groups.

Later, I became more despondent and was seriously worried that my Member of Parliament was correct and that our society would now collapse because of the acceptance of gay marriage. More free floating anxiety. I could barely breath. Later I felt better because I remembered that I don't really like our society that much. Why is it a problem if it collapses? Maybe just one part of will collapse, like the institutionalized hatred and bigotry part. Something else will emerge. Hopefully it will be something cool like Terry Gilliam's Brazil or Futurama. I don't much care why the Roman Empire collapsed. It is an interesting historical question though I doubt it has much to do with homosexuality. In any case, they were bastards and they overstayed their welcome. I propose a constitutional amendment banning the citing of the Roman Empire's collapse as a reason not to do something, or that we all start minding or own damn business, whichever is easier. Please recommend this post