Monday, July 04, 2005

Twitching and Fixating

I have been feeling a little depressed lately. Instead of seeing my doctor, an uninformed quack, I've decided to start working through the writings of L. Ron Hubbard. Just like Katie Holmes, I'm on a journey of discovery. As a new daily ritual, each morning I go down on one knee and pump my fist in the air. Then, I bounce around a bit on the couch. In the afternoon I write nasty letters to Brooke Shields. As far as treating depression goes, you can't do much better than a bit of Hollywood Scientology. I keep telling myself that. But it is hard hard work. Hubbard's novels are so dense.

There was a bit of an akward moment when the same sex marriage law was passed last week. I was not sure that roving bands of unrestricted state sanctioned homosexuals would not ruin my career as a heterosexual with their coercive gay exhibitionism. I visited a male associate this afternoon at his home office. His heterosexual female traditional marriage partner was not around. While discussing business stuff I suddenly became tense with generalized free floating anxiety. (Which should never be treated with harmful pharmaceuticals, only exercise and vitamins.) This was accentuated by an irrational spiky fear that my associate would think I was gay. This caused me to over-compensate by blurting out that his daughter was kind of hot. I imagine it was a creepy thing for a father to hear but now everything is different and we have to declare our orientation whenever possible.

I was driving down Glenmore Trail noting the water level in the reservoir when I suddenly remembered that an American Politician predicted that if gay marriage was tolerated then men would soon start having sex with dogs. The sheer logic of it nearly forced me off the road. So now with all the other things I'm watching for I have to keep an eye out for this as well. That guy was elected by a lot of people so I have to believe he knows a thing or two about social engineering. I was surprised that the CPC did not call this man to testify against the merits of the marriage bill. A man who believes that gay marriage will cause uncontrollable proliferation of man-dog sex would probably be a shining intellectual star compared to the rest of the CPC's gang of special interest hate groups.

Later, I became more despondent and was seriously worried that my Member of Parliament was correct and that our society would now collapse because of the acceptance of gay marriage. More free floating anxiety. I could barely breath. Later I felt better because I remembered that I don't really like our society that much. Why is it a problem if it collapses? Maybe just one part of will collapse, like the institutionalized hatred and bigotry part. Something else will emerge. Hopefully it will be something cool like Terry Gilliam's Brazil or Futurama. I don't much care why the Roman Empire collapsed. It is an interesting historical question though I doubt it has much to do with homosexuality. In any case, they were bastards and they overstayed their welcome. I propose a constitutional amendment banning the citing of the Roman Empire's collapse as a reason not to do something, or that we all start minding or own damn business, whichever is easier. Please recommend this post

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