Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Gimme, gimme, gimme

Last week I was totally in the giving mood, even though I was not entirely sure who to buy what for, but I went ahead anyway and bought a couple of damn fine gifts that anyone would be humbled to receive. This week I decided I wanted to focus more on getting than receiving. Screw the virtues its all about me now. Thus I've prepared my wish list what follows:

1. I wish Debbie Travis would come over to my house and help me paint. We could start in the Kitchen. Who knows where we'd end up. [Makes Roy Orbison Pretty Woman Growly noise]

2. I want to be credited with inventing the word finguary (fing-you-airy), which I will explain later.

3. I want Anne McLellan to come over to my house and read to me from the Constitution Act of 1982. (Please omit the amending formula stuff. That's all such crap.) If its not too forward of me, I'd like to lie down and place my head upon her lap and listen to her soothing soothing voice.

3. I wish all the best for my friend Kate in 2006, since 2005 was kind of a rough one.

(I've just been informed by an alert reader that I have two item #3s. I wish I could number lists properly. Now my numbering is out by 2.)

4. I'd like to travel to Japan for a year or two and study Judo while I'm still young enough to take the physical pounding. While there I'd also like to study many other aspects of Japanese culture which I find interesting. I figure this would cost around $100,000. Maybe less if one stays away from the woman, the sushi, and the beer. I can't earn $100,000 overnight so it may have to be stolen. Keep in mind I'm getting older by the day. Let me know what you can throw in.

5. If Anne McLellan does come over to my house I hope she will bring some Beer and Popcorn, paid for by that big mouth dude who started the whole Beer and Popcorn thing. Although, having visited Calgary's Red Mile and Edmonton's Whyte Avenue many times I would point out that Beer and Popcorn do not always make a good combination as evidenced by the puddles of Beer and Popcorn lying inertly on the sidewalk having been rejected forcefully by their consumers.

6. I wish for the best of luck to my neighbors who are moving to Qatar soon.

(I've just been informed by an alert reader that the above item should have been number 8.)

7. I hope that there is an earthquake in Iran and the President and his collection of Mullahs can magically be transported to 300km below the Antarctic ice cap. There, they can rant endlessly about how the holocaust did'nt occur and wipe Israel off their make believe maps while the Mullahs lecture the penguins about proper conduct[2]. Every couple of hundred years we could launch a rescue effort to see if they've grown up at all. In the meantime the people of Iran could get on with the political and social reforms that we all know they want.

8. I don't ever ever ever want to see Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch ever ever ever again. Television, by its nature is supposed to pound away at our innocence and naivete. I thought I had seen everything. But that couch hopping thing stripped away the last remaining sense of humans are ok that I had left. I'd rather listen to 3 hours of Aristocrat jokes.

9. I wish for another year of NOT seeing the Passion of the Christ. May I never give in to the temptation to watch that horrible degrading sadistic blood flinging piece of crap.

10. I want to meet those guys who stole Edvard Munch's the Screamer from the Museum in Oslo. They got away in a really sharp Audi A6 which I wrote about here. They finally got arrested this week. I can't bring myself to see them as common criminals. They were driving a freaking Audi A6. I see them more as Art Liberationists. The painting was probably set in an ugly frame from Ikea. What's a person to do? It gave me this idea for Art Galleries to fake robberies in broad daylight to raise interest in the works being shown. But they'd have to flee in really cool cars. Performance Art, that's the ticket.

11. I definitely need more Ginch[1]. The brand I prefer is called Prodige Athletik, available at Costco and other fine purveyors of men's underwear. The attractive model on the front cover of the package might turn weaker men gay but definetly not me, although I do freely admit, in an abstract sort of way, his intense beauty. That guy's body fat is measure in micrograms. Thats another thing I want - a much leaner body - damn, I wacked the numbering scheme again.


[1] Ginch. A pejorative term used throughout western Canada to denote men's underwear.
[2] The Mullah's will be shocked to learn the Penguins have a high rate of homosexuality.

Update: fixed some of my sub-optimal spelling. Please recommend this post

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