Sunday, August 20, 2006

Our 2nd and 3rd Line of Defense

I woke up to the news this morning that Airports were not allowing women to fly with bras that have gel implants. Yowser. When I heard that my tin foil hat flew off and slammed into my vintage Farah Fawcett poster. They are willing to make an exception if the bra can be classified as a prosthetic. Women being yanked out of long line-ups be questioned about the composition of their bras, in front of their shocked and surprised partners. She gels out? Who knew. I really wanted to be the first blogger to point out that a woman with a prosthetic gel bra can also be a terrorist. No free passes.

Meanwhile, Israeli doctors make a wild claim that a woman's silicone implants saved her life. Shrapnel from a Hizbollah rocket embedded in her chest and the implants, apparently, stopped the shrapnel only a few critical centimetres from her heart. Thus, the proud and defiant, and brave breasts of Israeli woman are standing up to the evil of Hizbollah. This will give a whole new meaning when she finally has a medal pinned on her chest.

Not to be outdone Lebanese doctors reported that a woman and 53 family members were saved when a building collapsed on top of them. The woman's large implants held up the building just long enough until rescuers arrived. Sorry, I went Oniony there for a moment.

President Bush upon hearing of the incident:

The evil doers hate our way of life and our...breasts (akward hand cupping gesture) are a very important line of...defense. Our implants have to hold out 100% of the time to keep America safe while the evil doers need only to get around our implants just once to cause their massive death. Because death is the way they kill. They never stop thinking of ways to harm us, and neither do we.

Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld was questioned as to whether he thought there were sufficient silicone implants around to protect Americans, said,

Do we have enought implants to go around? Probably not. Are we working on this problem. (Weird hand gestures) Sure we are. Look, you don't fight terrorism with the implants you wish you had, you fight them with the implants you have.

Later that day at lunch:

Do you enjoy my company?
Yes sweetie, of course I do. You make me feel happy. And safe, very very safe.

Put on your breastplate of righteousness it's going to be a long fight.

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