Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Belated Halloween Tips

I've been around the block a few times with this Halloween thing, so I thought I'd offer a few suggestions to make things go a little smoother:

1. If you knock on someone's door and a toothless old hag answers and starts pronouncing all kinds of satanic curses on you don't take it too seriously. Just say, 'Thank you Mrs. Dinning, have a nice evening.' and move on.

2. If you bite into an apple and there's a razor blade in it don't go running to your mother. Remember, she told you not to come running to her if you bit into an apple with a razor blade. Go directly to the nearest emergency ward and line up with all the other retards. While you're waiting 12,24 or 48 hours to have the razor blade removed from your mouth, you might be tempted to ask your parents a smart ass question about why they voted for Ralph Klein, but you won't be able to because you have a razor blade stuck in your mouth.

3. Don't wear your halloween mask if you go into a convenience store. Under Mr. Harper's new tough anti-crime bill a convenience store clerk can now shoot you dead if you're wearing a mask. As an additional burden, you now have reverse onus to prove that you should'nt have been shot dead.

4. If you have a religious experience of any kind its probably just some Ecstasy that's in your candy. It does'nt mean your profound or deep or anything. The Jesus you see is'nt real and does'nt love you.

5. If you are carving out a pumpkin and you find yourself getting a little too jabby-jabby with the knife and then just out of the blue you shout out someone's name, please Orenthal, get some help. This is not a good sign.

6. If you're one of those lucky children who get to trick-or-treat at the Prime Minister's house plan your schtick ahead of time. If the Prime Minister asks you about your costume, a witty reply will be appreciated. Something like...Well quite frankly this is the costume that the people of Canada have frankly been asking for. Frankly the Liberals had 13 years to help me with this costume and frankly did nothing. Either you like this costume, or you're against Halloween and Children. Frankly its that simple. Candy please.

7. Remember, dressing up in a weird costume and asking strangers for candy is just another way of preparing you for the rest of your life as an employee. So is stealing candy from another kid.

8. A lot of couples met at Halloween parties. Its also a good time to break up. Just think of badly you could scar someone if you were dressed up as a disney character and you told them you did'nt want to see them anymore.

9. If you come home after trick-or-treating and your parents have had a bit of drink and they 're arguing, it is the only time you can tell them to shut the f* up, because you're cute in your costume. Give it a try, you'll see I'm right. Please recommend this post

No comments: