I went to Edmonton for Christmas and had a fairly good time. The facts below speak for themselves:
Number of toilets I heroically unplugged on Christmas day: 1
Number of family stories I heard at Christmas Eve dinner that involved electrocution, house fires, near drowning, and putting dentures into the recently deceased: 5
Number of family members missing for Christmas dinner: 4
Number of times my niece told me to shut up: 5
Number of times I got beat at foosball: 4
Number of times someone asked me when when I was going home: 3
Number of people at the dinner table wearing dumb-ass hats from South America: 1
Number of different plans I heard about the route the Christmas day foul was taking from Canmore, Alberta to Sherwood Park, Alberta: 5
Number of phone calls I fielded about the location and eta of the Christmas day foul: 3
Number of times the front desk of my hotel phoned me on boxing day morning to ask me dumb questions: 4. I waited until they were really busy then phoned them and asked them if there was a guy in the lobby with a blue toque. Then I phoned back and said, sorry, I meant red. A "toque" is a Canadianism for a winter hat made of wool.
Number of years in a row I have asked politely for a Pony: 40
Number of Ponies I have received for Christmas: 0
Number of times at dinner that I was telling somebody something that I thought was pretty important only to find out they were'nt even remotely listening: 5
(Try this: "blah blah blah i'm building a nuclear bomb blah blah blah")
Number of people at Christmas Dinner: 17
Average age at Christmas Dinner: 36.9375. This suggests a proposed generic parental response: Shut up, you're well below the mean.
Weirdest Christmas Scene: Driving down Whyte Avenue late on Christmas Eve three guys were trying to haul a shopping cart full of pop bottles across the train tracks on 103st. Poverty never takes a day off.
Prettiest Christmas Scene: Driving past the refineries on the way back from Sherwood Park. All the refineries were lit and there was a full moon. You can see all the lights from Edmonton from baseline road.
Best Kept Christmas Secret: I accidentally brought home an unopened gift from Grandma to my Niece. I know what it is. Who knows how long I'll hang on to it.
Worst Christmas Movie I was forced to Watch: This year its a tie. 1) That stupid movie A Christmas Story with that stupid little kid named Ralphie with the big round glasses. Kids can't act. Horrible movie. 2) Ghost. No idea what this horrible horrible horrible movie has to do with Christmas but its a horrible movie. For some reasons several stations ran it over and over again on the 24th and 25th. What's the moral in this movie anyway? You die and you get to make out with Demi Moore? The only way you could have even remotely saved this movie would have been to dump Swayze and put Pacino in that role. Pacino as an angry dead guy who makes out with Demi Moore - think about it.
Weirdest Christmas Conversation with a Stranger: Talking with a dude at Canadian Tire about the merits of the various plungers they had for sale.
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