I went over to Sa?e?ay at Market Mall. It was really busy because in the new economy stores cannot find people to fill positions. Or, they screwed up on their scheduling. Take your pick.
They had two clerks on and about 20 people in each line up. I was in the under 15 items line. I've always wondered why they have that. Its not really that much faster when they're busy. Do the cashiers ever count people's items and what if anything do they do if you are over? Why don't they have a minimum item count in the other lines? How did they arrive at the number 15. Where there a bunch of MBA's in a boardroom all day debating this very important number and repeatedly texting Iris to get them more donuts. More Donuts!
If I buy a bunch of Bananas is that one item, or 5. If have a friend along to shop with me can we go up to 30 items? What if I order cigarettes and make the cashier walk all the way to the other end of the store. Why don't they have a line up for people who don't require high maintenance.
Is it less than 15 or less than or equal to 15. If the latter, the signage is incorrect, and in which case it is actually 14 items.
This lady was in the line up in front of me. She was way over 15 items, and had designer frames that you can only get in Mount Royal. She had 50 or more items I guessed. And I had plenty of time to think about it. She was flipping insouciantly through People magazine reading about Britney Spears' mothering skills, which is only available in the under 15 line. The joke here was that it was a short read. Oh, never mind.
She was somewhat pretty (sort of a cross between Amy Winehouse and Vanessa Redgrave) so the men in the line-up just made googly eyes at her. Except for me; I glared at her with the glare-over-15-items-glare-of-death. The cashier waited until she had unloaded all her crap then said condescendingly, do you think you have less than 15 items there deary. You could have heard a pin drop. Deary! Deary indeed. The lady made some upper caste type gesture that was sort of like, Well what are you going to do about it. Nothing thats what I thought. Then she cackled like the Witches in Roman Polanski's version of Macbeth. All right, I made that last part up about cackling. But it would have fit. I've been having a lot of problems lately with my imagination versus reality. I did not make the part up about Roman Polanski filming a version of Macbeth. 1969. Lookup it up. They showed it in high school, but then got in trouble because the Witches showed their boobies.
After she paid she turned to me and apologized and insisted she had no idea this was an express line-up. I would have given anything, even one of my inexplicably sore testicles for just that right come-back. But nothing. Screw this decaffeinated life. I'll wake up at 4am tonight with a total zinger. I'll thank my brain for working so hard on this problem. We'd like to take this opportunity to thank BRAIN for all its hard work. However we feel we need to move in a new direction at this time.
As a dramatic finale 100 item lady waves her finger in the air and demands a school boy to haul her stuff out to her car.
Then the cashier said to me, are these your banarners. That's exactly how she pronounced it. Banarners. Again, no come back. Yes, they're my bunyanyeers, and I'll be paying with my Innerflact card. How was that for a comeback. A little to obtuse? Agreed.
No one has any manners any more. Except me. I let people walk all over me while remaining polite, cheerful, and avoiding a fuss. For this reason I'll never be the mayor of Calgary.
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