Help Wanted: Layout editor

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Who does the layouts over there at the Sun? I've always wondered that. This type of cover is fairly typical of their tabloidish low intellect style I think.

I was a little shocked when I saw this fubar by the Toronto Star a while back. Editors don't always have control over how ad rotators work and what ads end up next to what story. But they should...





Sun front page image is courtesy of one of my favorite blogs Failblog.org. Please recommend this post

Keeping the South in Calgary West

I've driven by this house in Calgary West many times and always wondered why they fly this flag. I'm not sure if it is a Confederacy flag, or just a state flag of Alabama or one of the Carolina's. I'm not up on my flags.

This is the third such flag I've seen around my area. Another is frequently seen on the aerial of a car that I see often and another in the large window of a basement suite over by North Hill Mall.

I find it puzzling and I can make no assertions about why these people fly these flags. My mind wanders and stresses under the weight of the possibilities.

One has to bite one's tongue with the Lee Richardson jokes swirling around in my tiny brain. Please recommend this post

Mr Pinsent, with all due respect...

From the Canadian Press:

MONTREAL – Conservative Leader Stephen Harper's promise to reverse plans to scrap tax credits for productions deemed offensive to Canadian viewers came as a pleasant surprise Tuesday to those in the film and television business and a major blow to the religious right.

"The arts community I think can almost relax and unpack their bags," actor Gordon Pinsent said in a telephone interview with The Canadian Press.

Pinsent said he never would have expected such a change of heart from the Conservatives and wonders whether it means Harper may be open to other new ideas.

And magic fairies will fly out of my butt. And Charles McVety will be put in a straight jacket and fed-exed on a slow boat to outer Mongolia.

Right....

Grow up Mr. Pinsent. Don't you know that Stephen Harper is a compulsive liar. In spite of all the respect you've earned as one of Canada's greatest actors you sound like a child who is overjoyed when his father tells him he won't beat him anymore.

Unpack your bags my ass. Please recommend this post

Calgary West: Stare into the Abyss

According to the National Post/Canwest:

CALGARY - Controversial Conservative incumbent Rob Anders' political views are again coming under fire, as a local lawyer and humanitarian says Mr. Anders told her he believes Canadian diplomacy and humanitarian work should focus on changing outsiders' language to English and faith to Christianity.

Where have I heard that line before...Oh yeah, it was Ann Coulter expressing a noble thought about killing Muslim leaders and forcing their citizens to convert to Christianity.'

The comments that Anders made were corroborated by two people who were present and one assumes that the National Post verified the basic facts, even though it is quite odd for them to eat one of their own children like this. Anything for a buck.

Sadly, when I read stuff like this I'm just not shocked anymore. This is no longer about Rob Anders it is about the voters of Calgary West. You all seriously need some therapy or something. Electing this person 4 times in a row is inexcusable. You can no longer claim ignorance. Now it is down to willing complicity with pure moral degradation.

And no I don't want to hear about the National Energy Program. Thanks anyway. Please recommend this post

Edmonton PD Issues Amber Alert

The Edmonton police issued an Amber alert this morning for a seven year old girl who was abducted in north east Edmonton.

Edmonton Journal has full details and descriptions here.

Lets hope for a speedy and positive outcome.

Update 4:30pm MST. According to Canadian Press:

EDMONTON — A seven-year-old girl who was the subject of an Amber Alert after police said she was abducted from a northside Edmonton park was abandoned by a man in a gas station after an alert attendant noticed her crying...

Please recommend this post

Stephen Harper is Mike Harris. (Old News)

The Liberals just released a video claiming Stephen Harper plagiarized Mike Harris in recent speeches. The video shows two short snippets of Harris speaking followed by Harper saying pretty much the same thing. Check it out for yourself and see what you think.

I think the claim of plagiarism kind of weak, and I wish the Liberals would not waste their time on stuff like this. It is not uncommon for boiler plate phrasing to be recycled in political content. I don't think the problem here is plagiarism even though this kind of mimicry is certainly a sign of a weak and lazy thinker.

The real problem is that Stephen Harper is a lousy thinker with lousy ideas, ideas that appear to be lifted from other poor thinkers. If our Prime Minister elect opens his mouth and Mike Harris or John Howard starts talking its not a problem with plagiarism, it means we've lost or national soul and identity.

Its really about the Liberal Party at this late stage of the election. In the 1993 election the Progressive Conservatives dropped over 160 seats. The Liberals don't have that many seats to lose but they could easily lose half of what they hold now while retaining roughly the same popular vote. That's the wonderful thing about our archaic vote counting system. Am I cheering you up?

So as an undecided voter the Liberals need to convince me why i should vote for them and not for another non-conservative party. Or why I shouldn't just stay home on election day. They can do this by talking about ideas and visions and take a pass on the next plagiarism incident. (There will be more).

Now lets all hold hands and sing Waltzing Matilda. Not everything that comes from Australia is silly like John Howard.

Take Eric Bogle for example...

Please recommend this post

Calgary West Candidates

Meet your candidates for the federal riding of Calgary West...



Jennifer Pollock (upper left) ran in the last federal election and was a public school trustee.

Teale Phelps-Bondaroff (upper right) is a University of Calgary Student representing the NDP. Teale also ran in the 2006 election. He was the only candidate who showed up at my door.

Randal Weeks (bottom left) works in Calgary's Oil & Gas sector and is representing the Green Party. I believe he is running for the first time.

If I missed any candidates I'm sorry, please update me in the comments.

Candidates sites for further info:

Jennifer Pollock
Teale Phelps Bondaroff
Randall Weeks
Vote out Anders
Vote out Anders on FaceBook

I was sitting in a public place writing this. Two seniors sitting across from me were going through their stock investments and talking about what they wanted to invest in. They didn't seem to be too happy. Then they looked at the stock prices for Maple Leaf Foods. Some snark broke out.

We haven't done a good job of protecting and helping our seniors but this has not been an issue in this election so far.

I wanted to go over and ask them how that life long Tory voting thing was working out for them. Can I interest you in some income trusts? How about some tainted meat?
Need to borrow some money for an eye exam?

Of course there are many more issues that will be ignored, and many voices will be drowned out by the noise machines.

Leonard Cohen says it best:

I can't run no more
with that lawless crowd
while the killers in high places
say their prayers out loud.
But they've summoned, they've summoned up
a thundercloud
and they're going to hear from me.

Yes, they will hear from me. Please recommend this post

Happy (Belated) Easter

I forgot to wish everyone a happy easter this year. I was very pre-occupied and didn't notice the Easter holiday go by. All those heavy themes of torture, death, resurrection, sin, and redemption were just a bit too heavy for me this year.

If I were 20 years younger there's a chance I might be emo, but I've always thought of myself as really quite masculine. It occurred to me that emo kids will have a bit of a problem with Easter given all the heavy themes. Not to mention the constant jokes about eating bunnies.

As luck would have it I found this video on YouTube which may help some of you cope.

(My nieces are all pretty emo, but not my nephews.)

Please recommend this post

Samsung Monitor Hung Up

Note: there are 6 images in this post. Might take a while to load completely.

In a previous post i wrote about my Samsung monitor developing a fatal and incurable tilt forward. I did not have a very good picture at that time but this next image taken from a side view shows just how much this monitor is tilting. (Usually in Alberta things lean to the right then fall over.)



Not to be one to accept bad designs I went to Future Shop and purchased a Vanguard VM-11 Computer Monitor Table Mount. These are a much better solution for mounting a flat screen TV or computer monitors and this one cost around $25. The next picture shows the base mount which clamps to the back edge of your desk. Notice the small hole in the front. The instructions said to screw the mount to the desk and they supplied a large wood screw. I'm not into screwing things to desks. I figure the whole point of the clamp mount was so you could move it around. It reminded me of an old P.D.Q. Bach joke about nailing one foot to the floor so he could dance to Chopin.



The next photo shows what the mounting arm looks like. The square bracket bolts to the back of the monitor and the other end goes in the desk mount. There is an industry standard for the positions of the mounting screws so this should work with almost all flat scree monitors.

It is made of an aluminum alloy. Strong and light. Sexy.




The next photo shows how the bracket bolts to the back of the monitor. Of course you have to remove the original stand first. Samsung was fairly confident in weight vs. gravity and only used 2 screws. The Vanguard mount used 4 screws. I went and bought some of those self locking washers to keep the screws from working themselves out. This is referred to in the business as perpetual motion unscrewing syndrome. (See Ford Truck complaint web sites.)

Don't over-tighten the bolts. The monitor end has the cheapest threads ever and I was worried I might strip them. (Google will have a hoot with these keywords.)



The monitor finally mounted is pictured below. As an added bonus I recovered a whole bunch of desk space under the monitor. I like the illusion that the monitor is just kind of free floating in the air. It reminded me (for some strange reason) of the scene in Dune where Sting was floating around in the air.



Pictured below is the original Samsung mounting stand. We consign this piece of equipment to the large dust heap of poorly designed things. Along side the Ford Pinto, DBase III, Windows ME, the Ariane 5 Flight 501 satellite launcher, and a host of other icky things that were designed or built late in the afternoon on a Friday.




Update: Fixed blogger's broken links to the images and a few grammar and spelling issues. Please recommend this post

Oilers: Three Points Out

If you're an Edmonton Oilers fan don't cry in your beer just yet.

In my previous post on the Oilers Playoff hopes, which I considered slim, I noted that the Oilers would probably require 95 points to make the playoffs.

The cutoff of 95 points was a reasonable estimation. Last year the Calgary flames finished in the 8th playoff spot with 96 points. The year before that it was the Edmonton Oilers with 95 points. But this year I'm not sure it will be that high.

As of today the Oilers do not have enough available points left to reach 95 points, and anyway they probably won't win all of their remaining games.

However, they are 3 points back of the final playoff spot with six games remaining. They could finish as high as 93 points, and they could still finish as high as 6th place.

Behold, the standings:



The shaded column is the number of points.


The bottom 3 playoff spots (6,7,8) could be won by any one of the six teams in positions 6 through 11.

But its really really a long shot for the Oilers I think.

If the Oilers did finish in 8th spot they would play the Detroit Red Wings in the first round of the playoffs.

Detroit fans are probably already becoming incontinent at the thought of playing a high flying team of devil-may-care rookies. Please recommend this post

Samsung Broke My Heart

I bought a Samsung SyncMaster 205BW flat screen monitor. It was well priced and I like everything about it. Good color, brightness, and a digital port.

But there's a bit of a design flaw in it. As you can tell (somewhat) from the bad photograph, the monitor is tilting forward more and more as time goes on. The connection hub that supports the screen does not swivel up and down. All the monitor's weight is pushing down on some small metal rails that appear to be made of of some soft metal like aluminum or an aluminum alloy.

This is the second monitor. I had to return the first one because these metal railings snapped leaving the monitor basically unusable.

Now I know better than to try to bend it back into an upright position. So I'm trying to think of a solution. This problem has been noticed by others and you can find many blog and forum postings.

From what I've read Samsung is not being helpful and wont admit that its a design flaw. Instead they choose to tell consumers that they abused the product. I also had a hard time returning the original monitor to Office Depot because they were hiding behind some warranty technicalities. And then they tried to up sell me which was sort of annoying. In the meantime I was dead in the water because this was my only monitor. (Don't get me started on the Toshiba notebook that died a horrible death.)

It seems to me a good idea for Samsung just to admit that this was just a really bad design. A couple of little pieces of soft metal obviously cannot hold a fairly heavy screen in an upright position. At the very least they could offer some kind of work around. (There is a viagra joke in here just dying to get out.)

Its too bad because I've bought a lot of Samsung products and have never had any problems. I even met one of the Samsung sales reps at Memory Express and he gave me a nice pen. He seemed like a nice man, but right about now I'd like to ball kick him even though I know its not his fault.

I apologize for my messy desk in the photo. Those M&Ms are not mine. Please recommend this post

Another Calgary Book Store Closes

My favourite independent bookstore in Calgary is closing. McNally Robinson on 8th avenue, aka Stephen Avenue Mall will be closing within the next few months, citing increasing costs and insufficient sales.

The lack of sales is a mystery to me. Within a few square blocks there are at least 10,000 office workers, many of whom work in technical professions. Additionally they have a separate division that provides hard to find engineering and scientific books.

After 5Pm the corporate people go home and the street is replaced with a different crowd who probably don't place reading high on their priorities.

MR has one of the best selection of technical books of any store, even rivaling Chapters Indigo. But there's probably not good money in these types of books. Books on computer technologies are expensive to produce and sell low volumes. No one will get rich writing, publishing or selling a book detailing the UNIX grep command.

I once saw a complete multi-volume copy of the BC electrical code which amused me no end.

And you could not stump their staff either. I know I tried several times. They always knew the book and how to get it.

They have several other stores, in Winnipeg, Saskatoon and New York. They are opening a new store in Winnipeg this year. So its not like they're going out of business, they're just leaving Calgary.

So whats wrong with Calgary, and Alberta in general? Independent publishers are apparently leaving in droves and the independent books stores are barely hanging on.

This is the third independent book seller in Calgary that I've become addicted to that has had to close its doors after only a few years.

McNally Robinson Website Please recommend this post

Reading Writing

I updated my MySpace profile for the what you read section, which is as far as I can tell mostly underused on MySpace because they're all a bunch of hoodlums selling cannibis. I'm sorry that was uncalled for.

I didn't realize how difficult it was to write a short descriptive blip about what you've read and what you like to read.

Here's the work in progress that I know will be edited about a 100 more times before I stop obsessing about it:

Favorite reading so far: C.S. Lewis Surprised By Joy, Catch 22, Anything by Kurt Vonnegut Jr., especially Slaughterhouse 5, anything by Graham Greene, especially The Quiet American. The Book of Psalms. The Imitation of Christ. The Entire Shakespeare body but especially the cross-dressing comedies (And no i'm not into cross-dressing). Any kind of Poetry, but especially the romantic poets, T.S. Eliot and the War poets of ww1. Canadian Poets: Leonard Cohen, Irving Layton, P.K Page and Anne Michaels. I like Naomi Klein's political writing as well, even when she infuriates me which is what a good writer does. I loved William Buckley Jr's weekly columns even though I never agreed with a single one of his ideas. He was a beautiful gifted writer he was just on the wrong side.

I hate propaganda and things that insult my intelligence so I don't often read newspapers.

I journal a lot, stuff that no one will ever read. Its neurotic I know. I write on two blogs, one about technology and the other mostly about nonsense. I sometimes mix up the updates and confuse the readers. I write a lot of web content and technical docs for work but I enjoy it a lot so it doesn't seem like work.

By necessity I read a lot about technology, especially about software development. Fortunately there are a lot of good authors out there so its not as boring or dry as you might think.

I admit to being a geek. Guilty as charged.

I'd like to find a girlfriend who might read Shakespeare or some nice poetry to me while I lay (lie?) my head upon her lap. Not to much to ask is it?

Its only a start. Please recommend this post

Who Has Felt The Wind

I went out for a bike ride today, for the first time since December. It was warm and sunny out but there was this stiff cold wind coming from the east. It made a huge sucking noise. I hate the wind. I take it personally. It's worse when you're on the bike path beside the Bow River because the Bow is glacier fed and throws off a cold draft even in the height of summer.

I took a picture of the bow river as the sun was starting to go down over Pump Hill...



Then I slipped on a piece of ice and fell on my butt.

Election tomorrow. Get out and vote! History shows that apathy comes with a price. Please recommend this post

Childe Hassam Rocks

I was wandering around the mall on friday night and aside from finding one of those pot belly ceramic stoves that are pretty cool I went into an art shop and found one of my all time favourite paintings. This is called Boston Common by an American artist named Frederick Childe Hassam. He painted around the turn of the century and most of his paintings are outdoors scenes around Boston and New England. He is generally considered an impressionist. I'm an unimpressionist.

I don't really know why I like this painting so much, but its probably the ethereal light. On winter days when the sun goes down around 4 or 5 you get the most beautiful colors and sunsets.

All of my memories growing up in Edmonton are centered around winter and being outdoors doing things.

The sales girl was yummy really helpful and I saw a few good black enamel frames that would go well with this painting. A nice frame with glass, plus the poster will cost about $350.00 which I think is quite reasonable.

The only problem is I can't really afford this right now, even though I want it badly.

And then I read this Globe and Mail article about how more and more single women are buying homes and at an earlier age. I think this is the result of our economy doing well and the sisters doing it for themselves. Wasn't that a Pointer Sisters line?

Anyway, it occurred to me that there should be at least one single woman out there who likes me enough to forgo the purchase of the house for a bit and buy this painting for me. In exchange, I would be willing to let you hang it in your new house for a few months later on.

Don't rule it out right away. Lets go back and forth a bit. I'm sure we can work something out.

God loves a cheerful giver. Please recommend this post

Some Music and Stuff

I spent a frustrating amount of time trying to figure out which audio formats can be played on my Motorola Razr V3T. Reading some of the cel phone forums on the Internet it is clear there is a lot of dissatisfaction out there. One more reason why this whole mobile industry is a little cheesy. More on that some other time.

But I was able to get a bunch of new music loaded onto my phone. Some of the tracks won't play at all some play half way through then crash the player.

I got enough working to proudly make my list of favourite tracks of this week:

the mcdades - valley of a thousand tears/hotel de ville

I like the McDades. I saw them a long time ago playing in a bar before they were known.

terry jones - i'm so worried

I'm so worried about the fashions today. I don't think they're good for your feet, And I'm so worried about the shows on TV that sometimes they want to repeat.

the be good tanyas - nobody cares for me

leonard cohen - i can't forget

jenny allen - evangeline

mark heard - awake in the night time

This song is from the album Dry Bones Dance. He only made a few albums before dying too young. While it is considered Christian/Country its a bit different from any Christian or Country album you might hear. The lyrics are a bit too thought provoking to leave it in the Country bin.

the seekers - a world of our own

The Australian super-folk band of the 60's and 70's.

loreena mckennitt - santiago

kathleen edwards - old time sake

She's an acquired taste. Most of her songs have a unique perspective.

stephen fearing - like every other morning

blue rodeo - holding on

tanita tikaram - stop listening

What else am I listening to...

I've got The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins on audio. I'm halfway through and finding it quite interesting. Does atheism irritate God?

I have Verdi's Rigoletto featuring the late Pavarotti. On the CD cover he looks about 12 years old. I bet in his prime he shagged every single one of the leading Sopranos. (Oh, Robert that's a horrible horrible thing to say.) It's the only opera whose plot I even remotely understand: Guy has daughter. Skeezy other guy wants daughter. Dad gets even. There are some tragic turns of events although some people find them comical. Probably hockey fans. People yell and scream and die unexpectedly. As in most Operas the characters see how badly they're going to get screwed at least 3 hours ahead of time and even sing about it, but still act shocked.

My worst fear is that I'll turn into an atheist who's addicted to Opera. Please, help me help myself. Only you can stop this outcome.

I have the latest Lily Allen CD because my friend told me it was delightful, lighthearted British pop. And it is. Every song made me smile especially the one about her little brother Alfie...



From Opera to Lily Allen. I think my jorb here is done. Please recommend this post

Stelmach's Ad Hominems

Last Thursday's leadership debate was the only time you will get to see the Alberta party leaders debate. Provincial elections are usually very short, especially in Alberta where they're really sort of a formality. No insult intended to the hard working opposition parties, but the system is kind of skewed.

The remainder of the time you'll just get to hear them re-iterate their talking points in highly controlled settings. In other words, it will be one way conversations. Mr. Stelmach, for example, was quoted extensively and unfettered in the Sunday Sun today. He was probably speaking to Rick Bell from his special Premier's-Office-To-The-Calgary-Sun-Editorial-Ass-Kissers hot line.

I often wonder if the evolution of the Web and other social technologies will eventually turn politics around so that there is more of a true dialogue and more accountability.

Some random thoughts on the debate from Thursday night:

1. We were only about 30 minutes into the debate before Mr. Stelmach responded to a criticism by blaming a former Liberal Prime Minister. That must be some kind of record for restraint. I'm sure he wanted to get that lick in much sooner.
   



2. No one really one or lost the debate, but Mr. Stelmach barely survived. He didn't particularly impress me as being smart, articulate or as having any grasp on basic realities.
   
   
3. I thought Paul Hinman was a very good communicator even though I didn't buy into anything he had to say. He was far more polished than I expected. His ideas about making Hospitals compete with each other was confusing and sounded like Fraser Institute boiler plate. I read some other bloggers that were a little insulted by his subtle suggestions about family structure and the economy. They read it as women should stay home. I definitely felt his social agenda was bubbling beneath the surface. I think all the leaders were totally afraid to go into social issues.
   
   
4. I was hoping we could get through at least on Alberta election without someone saying that you can't fix the health care system by throwing more money at it. It is a dull and weak minded cliché and does not clarify any particular issue. If I had a nickel for every time an Alberta conservative said that you can't fix the health care system by throwing more money at the problem I would have a huge pile of nickels. But the amount would be probably less than the amount of money they've been throwing at the problem. They usually don't do their talking points and it was nice to see the Alberta Liberals and the NDP call them on it.


5. Mr. Stelmach called the Liberals and the NDP socialists. Instead of answering a question it's better to channel Joseph McCarthy. Aside from being an illiterate and childish comment it was pretty ironic. Mr. Stelmach has been a part of one of the most interventionist governments in Alberta's history. For example, they rejected public auto insurance, but then intervened with a massive bureaucracy to set rates, and now the have to spend millions of dollars appealling the strike down of their stupid restriction on civil awards for accident victims. Seriously, how dumb would a goverment have to be to reach into the future and handcuff the civil courts. And don't get us started on electrical deregulation, bill 40, and the general drift towards bigger, less efficient and more controlling government, and a thick layer of very expensive cronyism. Sure, waste a bunch more of my money while calling everyone else socialists and bragging about what it means to be a "conservative".
   



6. Aside from that, I thought the debate was too long. I would have preferred that if they take questions they take them unprepared from audience members, rather than pre-discussed quesions from media people. For example, Nirmal Naidoo ask Brian Mason how much money it would cost to fix the health care system. This wasn't really a question but just a short editorial from CICT-TV.


7. I couldn't help think of that Stealers Wheel song:
   
   

   Clowns to the left of me,
   Jokers to the right, here I am,
   Stuck in the middle with you.
   

   
   
   Maybe Kevin Taft should use that as a campaign song.
   
   

Please recommend this post

Oilers vs Canucks

Saturday Night - Edmonton Oilers vs. Vancouver Canucks.

Who are you picking?

I don't want to make any predictions because it usually jinxes the Oilers. But, Oilers are playing good now and Canucks are not.

I'm willing to make small wagers with anyone. We could bet little children. But they would have to be young enough so that they would never know they were won in a bet.

And now the Oilers are required to win 78% of their remaining points to make the playoffs. This is a slight improvement but still no realistic.


Update: Canucks 4 Oilers 2. This puts the Oilers magic win ratio at .818 to make the playoffs. Those Sedin twins are such (insert word that Jane Fonda used). Please recommend this post

Canadian F-Word Blog Awards

I just cast my votes in the Canadian F-Word Blogger Awards. "F" in this case refers to feminism and not the other F word. There are a lot of blogs there that I have never heard of and hope to take a look at soon. I'm glad to see this part of the blog world alive and well, if only because it really pisses off a lot of people. These bloggers need some kudos thrown their way because they put up with quite a bit of verbal abuse merely because of believing in some simple ideas about life and gender. Please recommend this post

They Don't Get Marketing

I was amused to receive this email spam from the Princeton Premier Registry:

It is my pleasure to inform you that you are being considered for inclusion into the 2008-2009 Princeton Premier Business Leaders and Professionals "Honors Edition" section of the Registry.

The 2008-2009 edition of the Registry will include biographies of the world's most accomplished individuals. Recognition of this kind is an honor shared by thousands of executives and professionals throughout the world each year. Inclusion is considered by many as the single highest mark of achievement.

Upon final confirmation, you will be listed among other accomplished individuals in the Princeton Premier Registry.

For accuracy and publication deadlines, please complete your application form and return it to us within five business day

I recognized right away that was something skeezy. Like others who received this email and blogged about it, I laughed because I've never done anything in my life even remotely that would merit such an apparently prestigious invitation. Like all crappy marketing, it appeals to raw vanity and assumes basic stupidity.

Of course it is not really an invitation and you are not being considered for anything. The link leads to a web page where you give up all your personal information, and then God only knows what happens to it. According to other accounts I've read a pushy obnoxious person phones you and tries to sign you up on the directory for $500 or so.

The sign up form is routed through an email company called Results Mail (http://www.resultsmail.com). They have an unsubscribe button but I always wonder whether clicking on such a button is really safe or not.

The spam technique is fairly simplistic and most people will see through it. What really interests me is why companies think behavior like this will work. The instant these emails start rolling out people start blogging about it or posting their suspicions in forums. If you're in marketing you ignore this phenomena at your own peril. It's a new world now. If you're a douche-bag millions of people will know about it almost immediately.

Check out two examples of bloggers who wrote about this email before I did:

al6400
Rose Desrochers

Note the large number of comments in each of these posts. Please recommend this post

Obligatory Celebrity Obit

Roy Scheider died this week and the predictable pre-written obits were run. Apparently he was very sick and repeated calls to the Olson twins didn't help. TorStar ran this studio still from Jaws. Roy Scheider and Robert Shaw are hunting a ginormous huge shark...which is why they're looking up at the sky. SKY SHARK! Maybe there was a witch writing something bad about Richard Dreyfuss in the sky. Or the camera was just at a bad angle.

Most of the Obituaries I read claimed that Jaws was his best movie and cited the famous line, you're going to need a bigger boat. There were a lot of good lines in that movie not to mention Richard Dreyfuss over-acting and Robert Shaw's horrible Scots accent. In my opinion, the Shark wasn't nearly mean enough. I didn't really like Jaws. And generally I enjoyed all the cheesy disaster movies of the 70's. They should have had Shelly Winters in Jaws, swimming across the bay, crying and kvetching.

I thought Scheider was a much better actor in 2010. This was Arthur C. Clarke's sequel to 2001 A Space Odyssey. 2010 was not directed by Stanley Kubrick, so even though the novel is very good the movie sequel was not. In spite of that Scheider was good in this movie. They tried to imitate the feel of the original by having a lot of very esoteric dialog. The dialog in that movie was jaw droppingly retarded. Scheider pulled it off though, but always had kind of a smirk on his face, kind of like Shatner in Star Trek. You know the look: O for God's sake this is so ridiculous, but the kids do need college. Humor me. I did Shakespeare, remember that.

Good actors in bad movies is the Hollywood success story. Lets not mess with it. Please recommend this post

Oilers Playoff Hopes or Neurotic Math

Its the middle of February. Its the time of year Edmonton Oilers fans start working themselves into a frenzy about whether the team will make the playoffs or not.

With Horkoff, Torres and Souray all out for the rest of the year, the odds are not good for a playoff spot.

And then there's the math. They did the math on the Radio the other morning and assumed that the cutoff for making the playoffs would be a minimum of 95 points. I think it will be higher this year because of overall improvement of the teams in the conference. Maybe this year you will need 100 points.

But for sake of argument, if the cutoff is 95 points, and the oilers have 24 games remaining, they will need to get 80% of the remaining potential points. Of course this ratio changes on a day to day basis. If they go on a winning streak, they might get within reach.

The Oilers do have one incentive to finish as high as possible. The lower they finish the higher their draft pick, but its a pick which goes to Anaheim. This is because of the terms of the Penner trade and the free agency of Teemu Selanne's moustache.

Daryl Katz will have some difficult decisions to make this summer about management and general top level strategy. Most Oilers fans live in kind of a bubble, they don't really think anything is wrong with the coaching or the management. Katz has a different business philosophy than the EIG, and will be able to make decisions much easier and quicker. I think next year results will be much more important. Please recommend this post

Yahoo Answers: Ball Kicking

A remorseful but illiterate mother writes Yahoo for an answer:

My daughter amy whos(sic) 12yrs old told me her older cousins was(sic) beating her up, So out of anger i teached(sic) her to kick them where it hurts, That was six months ago. Now my friends son told her that she kicked him afew(sic) times and she had one of her friends over and right infront(sic) of me she kicked him in groin over the remote.... i punished her and told her "You only kick a boy there if hes(sic) hitting you or your(sic) in danger",

Or...If your a competent Nuclear power expert and your boss fires you because you're smarter than him and he has an ego and command-and-control problem, and seems to like to humiliate smart women.

Or...If someone wants to sue you because you merely registered a domain name and that boy is mad at you because he lost track of his personality® and thinks it's your fault.

Or...If you're a Saskatchewan RoughRider fan and your coach gets you your first Grey Cup since the Crimean War and now he's buggering off to Mississippi.

Or...Because you're a Saskatchewan RoughRider fan and your GM has the worst possible hair cut ever and it makes you want to kick him in the balls.

Or...If you see a blogger who is unusually stupid and vacant and he writes something stupid and vacant about Charles Darwin promoting genocide. Kick him twice.

Or...If you got that popular new Wii game called Kicking People In The Balls. But remember: Playing the Wii game is not a substitute for really kicking people in the balls.

Or...You come across someone who thinks it would be cool to have Al Qaida blow up a Canadian Politician visiting Afghanistan, which as you know is chock a block with people wanting to blow people up. Maybe this person doesn't have balls. Kick them anyway, its OK.

Or...You see someone clutching a stupid book they just bought and yammering on and on about Liberal Fascism. Kick them until they stop.

Or any other reason that suits you. As long as you think its ok, its probably ok.

Feel free to contribute to the discussion. Who would you kick in the balls if you had the chance?



Disclaimer: This is satire. We are not advocating kicking men in the balls. If you kick a man in the balls it's your responsibility. Mostly it's against the law, but check with your local law enforcement agency.
Please recommend this post

Java and Weather Hyperbole

I spent all morning writing a Java exam, and the rest of the day rehabbing what was left of my brain. It was three hours long and practically killed me. I'm here to tell about it only by the grace of God. Atheist, sneer if you must, but I claim a miracle of severe ardor and bitter survival.

It started last night when the weather reports looked bad, real bad. They kept piling adjective on adjective. Blowing snow, drifting snow, swirling snow, drifting blowing swirling snow. Wind chill factors. Faces freezing in less than a minuet. How was I to know it was all hyperbole?

I lay awake all night worrying about the exam and the weather. I had no idea what all would be covered on the test because they didn't really give too much of that away.

Anyway, it turned out the weather was not as bad as they described it this morning. Cold yes and windy yes, but not wicked cold. This leads me to believe YOU CALGARIANS ARE A BUNCH OF PUSSIES. Sorry, but it had to be said. If you only knew what it was like growing up in Edmonton, scraping off a different frost bitten gangrene ridden appendage after every 2 block trip to school you might not complain so much.

The Java exam was not particularly difficult but it took the full three hours to complete with no time left over to review. I was really surprised that an exam about a programming language was so low tech. The exam was entirely written by hand. My friend who wrote an accounting exam same time as me had a computer based exam. He just sat in front of a computer clicking off multiple choice questions.

There were four problems that were of the type that required writing out a lot of Java code. I filled four double-sided sheets of paper. By the time I was done there was a big pile of eraser detritus and my left hand and wrist were limp. I never hand write anything anymore. I was definitely not used to that much writing. It is also very time consuming for the marker. You have to read everyone's handwriting and try and figure out of their answer is correct or not. I thought that was why we had compilers and text editors.

There was the usual trick question involving recursion and post-increment and pre-increment operators. I'll spare you the details because it is kind of geeky, except to say that it is very very subtle and tends to really confuse programmers. The post-increment and pre-increment operators are in almost all programming languages and most scripting languages. They tend to be a reliable source of bugs and misunderstandings. Anyway, I saw through the trickery.

Then there was another trick question about boolean logic. You had to know that an AND operator takes higher precedence than an OR operator. High school algebra really, but a common source of confusion. They try to trick you visually with the grouping of the terms and indentation.

There were a couple of minor questions I now know I bungled. My brain was considerate enough to inform me of this three hours after the exam was over but couldn't be bothered at the time from stopping my gaffs. Thanks brain, good to know you're such a reliable source of real time information. Please recommend this post

Provincial Election Already A Headache

There will be a Provincial Election in Alberta within the next couple of months. The PC Candidates are in motion with their signs up all over Calgary. And Ed Stelmach® is busy suing bloggers.

I got a flyer from Jennifer Diakiw. She is the PC Candidate hoping to replace Harry Chase here in Calgary Varsity and was Jim Dinning's campaign co-chair in the leadership race. She is the candidate at time of writing. It's possible Ed Stelmach® could convene another kangaroo court and take away her nomination.

I was quite happy that Mr. Chase won in the last election and he has been a very good MLA. I have come to believe that any positive change in this province will have to come from outside the current government. Like Harry Strom and the Social Credit Party in 1972 they have absolutely no grasp of what is going on. They are in the absurd position of being pilloried from all sides, left and right and middle.

In the last election there were about 200,000 PC registered voters who did not vote. This figure does not include people who vote PC but do not join the party. I see no evidence that Ed Stelmach® has re-motivated his party in any way. So I hope that Harry Chase will retain his seat. Do you have a better candidate?

I do have one question though. Since Jennifer Diakiw got an endorsement from former Varsity MLA Murray Smith I wonder how she feels about millions of dollars spent so Mr. Smith could go to cocktail parties in Washington and New York. How does that fit in with the slogans about principled conservatism?

In other rumors of interest it is unclear how the PC election strategy will manage the bitterness of Don Rickles Lyle Oberg. There are rumors that he will be a liability in the election campaign because he was forced out of his career as a cabinet member. If you can't read between the lines, a while back Oberg was told that he would not be in the cabinet of the next government. He then announced he would not be running in the upcoming election. Probably just a coincidence. I suppose we will have to hear all that self serving rhetoric about where the skeletons are.

In other election news, it is warm and sunny in Calgary and the temp is about 10 above. There is a wicked Margaret Hamilton like cold front blowing through tonight. I am not happy about this as I have to travel tomorrow morning. Just when I thought everything would be fine the radio played that stupid Jim Reeves song about that guy and his horse who die in the blizzard just five hundred yards from Mary Ann. Anyway, Jim and Dan, it wouldn't have mattered if you made it that extra five hundred yards, Mary Ann was out playing bingo. I love Jim Reeves. I'm sorry if you think thats weird. Please recommend this post

A Brief Message From Our Sponsor

Mr Harper you're the worst Prime Minister in my life time. Hang on a second... Oh, sorry, I forgot about Mulroney.

Mr. Harper you're the second worst Prime Minister in my life time. But take heart you're on pace to plunge wildly into first place.

And McGuinty you're looking a little obsequious don't you think. Who do you think you are Ed Stelmach® ?

Please recommend this post

Grammar Fussing

I'm obsessing again over grammar, spelling and general style. Hardly a day goes by when I don't spit some coffee at my monitor while reading something poorly formed. And it's not just bloggers, the MSM can quite easily use their thick style manuals as door stops as well. Listening to the Radio can be a hoot as well, especially at night when they put the B teams on.

Before I go any farther I should admit that I'm just as bad, given half a chance.

So here are my latest requests of things that you cease and desist in:

1. Use of the phrase in point of fact. This is meaningless chin dribbling gibberish. Stop it.

2. Use of then instead of than. Amy has bigger hair then Jenna.

3. Use of going forward. The other night the Edmonton Oilers won a hockey game in regulation for the first time in ages. After the game a reporter asked a player in a locker room scrum: ...how important is it to continue this kind of play going forward..." What a stupid question to begin with. What are you supposed to answer, well going forward we kind of want to lose a lot... Going forward, presumably in time, is sort of a basic assumption of reality that need not be constantly re-affirmed.

4. People who say or write ANN Rand instead of Ayn Rand. You're a pretty incompetent libertarian if you don't know her name. There probably is an Ann Rand somewhere. Pity her. Think of the hate mail.

5. Never start off an explanation with I personally believe. If you are using this phrase you are in semi-lucid companionship with Miss Teen USA South Carolina. You will need a good map to find your way out of that quagmire. Unless you use this phrase we will have to assume that you don't believe what you are saying.

6. Stop using any word that ends in ess, trix or ette. Poetess, Authoress, Seductress, Dominatrix. One of the charming things about French is that the gender of a noun has no connection whatsoever with its meaning. You should always keep people guessing when it comes to gender. Words that have fancy-smancy gender endings, especially of the feminizing kind, are hereby declared poor style.

7. Overuse of LOL. If you LOL me one more time I'm going to come over there and KYA. Besides, I know you're just being polite. I'm not all that funny.What would it take to have a kind of an internet counter-insurgency to get rid of the use of LOL? Who's with me?

8. Use of through instead of done. Through is mostly a preposition and is abused this way. Correct usage: I tried to walk through the glass wall at Second Cup instead of using the door. Therefore I'm done with them. I'm through with you should be I'm done with you. Writers make it worse by writing the homophonic[2]version: I'm threw with you, or the non-existant I'm thru with you, Or the IM version, Im thr w u which makes you look illiterate. By the way, its a mean thing to say to someone who probably loved you a lot.

9. Avoid use of the words literal or literally. As Ambrose Bierce[1] observed, they are

Often incorrectly used in support of exaggeration or violent metaphor."

Metaphors should never be violent. Not even uppity. Avoid phrases like Stephen Harper literally kicked the chair across the room. Even if it is true.

10. Irrelevant adjectives are distracting. According to the NHL web site,

Twenty years ago Ron Hextall became the first NHL goalie to physically score a goal."

The reader is tempted to believe that prior to this accomplishment all NHL goalies scored goals metaphysically or in some ethereal non-physical way.

I have more but I think I'll stop now in the interest of public safety.

[1] Ambrose Pierce appears courtesy of the A Little Blacklist of Literary Faults freely available at the Gutenburg Project. [2]A homophone is a word that sounds the same as another word but has a different meaning. People who use homophones are called homophonics, and are part of an agressive militant agenda.


Update: Reposted 11-Jan-2008 09:00 am MST. Original time stamp was incorrect.
Update: Fixed typo: it's not its. How embarassing. Please recommend this post

Kent Austin Leaving?

I was looking at my server logs the other day and trying to figure out why there was a moderate jump in traffic. The bump consisted of people from Mississippi and Arkansas googling "Kent Austin". I figured something was up, even though there was nothing in the news here.

It turns out that the Roughriders gave permission for Austin to interview for a coaching job with the University of Mississippi which is his alma mater. The gap in the coverage between Canada and Mississippi is kind of interesting. Obviously the media down there got the story whereas we did not. I always think it is better for organizations to be proactive about potentially bad news rather than letting the media write the story for you.

If Austin does leave it will probably be awkward timing because I think most of the CFL coaching vacancies have been filled. The annual CFL Chinese fire drill is all but over.

So who would they get as a replacement? Ned Flanders Tom Higgins is the only one I can think who is available, at least as someone with senior CFL coaching experience. Having Higgins coaching the Roughriders would probably generate some profanity ridden commentary in both Calgary and Regina. It would be entertaining. These two fan bases do not like each other.

The other question is how much do you attribute the Grey Cup win to the Coaching skills of Austin? I think he is a fantastic coach and I don't think they would have won it without him. It seems strange to me that he would choose to leave after one year. Maybe there is more to the story that we know right now.

So Riders fans, if Austin leaves will it be another decade or two before you have a parade?

Aside: I previously posted a joke about Austin walking on water. I thought it was funny. But you know what they say about people who laugh at their own jokes. Please recommend this post

Pope Big Oilers Fan

ring...ring...ring...click...This is big Pope B. I'm not at the Vatican right now because I'm out at the Drake. Just finished watching the Oilers lose. If this is a Cardinal or a Bishop come on out. If this is a member of the one true faith come on out. If this is Matty, Barby, Willy, Judy, Jenny or Sven, I know you're not Catholics, but come on out. If this is Mel Gibson, come on out but you have to shut up. If this is Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins or Philip Pullman come on out but you guys have to wear skirts. Please recommend this post

A Vortex of Hypocrisy and Shame

I was really saddened this week when I read about the death of 16 year old Aqsa Parvez, allegedly murdered by her father. I was having a bad week to begin with and events like this don't help any of us. To me it is purely a case of domestic abuse and not an issue of immigration, race or religion. Nonetheless, the blogospere swarmed on the story, and honestly I found a lot of the commentary quite disgusting.

Unfortunately this tragedy is being used as a wedge in the ongoing Islamophobia that our society has steadily descended into since September 11, 2001.

I grew up with a friend whom I'll call B. When we were children our fathers were good friends so we saw each other a lot. I don't know how our fathers met. B's father was a WWII Pow in Hong Kong and had life long health problems because of the starvation and torture he endured. After my father passed away I didn't see B nearly as much. B and myself and our families were remarkably alike. Born in the 60's, white protestants, United Church, Boy Scouts of Canda, parents who moved into the new suburbs of Edmonton to raise their new families, etc.

B's mom and my mom occasionally talked and I'd often hear about what he was up to. After high school he had a deep Christian experience and became active in a large Pentecostal church. Neither he nor his family were particularly religious as far as I can remember. Eventually he became a leader in the Church, married and started a family. As some point I lost track of him as he moved to BC.

Sometime in 2006 B was arrested and charged in suspicion of the murder of his 16 year old daughter. I couldn't have been more shocked and saddened by this news. Talk about the last thing you would expect to find out about someone you knew.

The murder did not make the national news. It made the news in the locality where it occurred and made the news in Edmonton, but only because they were from there. The story quickly fell off the media radar and is difficult to find references on the internet at all. I still don't know if B has been convicted and sentenced yet. Last bit of information was the judge sending him off for a Psych evaluation.

When this crime occurred there was not widespread swarming in the blogosphere. No one made broad sweeping hate filled comments about Pentecostals. No one demanded that B go back where he came from. No one blamed it on the fact that B refused to assimilate into our way of life. (An Orwellian term if there ever was one. ) No one cried moral outrage because Pentecostal leaders did not hold press conferences to denounce the crime.

I'm afraid I find this contrast slightly jarring and not particularly flattering to our attitudes. I grieve for an old friend and his family. And I grieve for another family that I do not know who in addition to all else, has to deal with media glare and tightly focused racism. Please recommend this post

Cockroaches Need to Pick It Up a Bit

I enjoy reading science articles, especially about insects. It seems that there were a lot of cockroach stories this week. Basically, if you're keeping score the cockroaches got their asses kicked. They're scoring low on the intelligent design check list.

1. Israeli scientists studied the predatory relationship between a certain species of wasp and a certain species of cockroach. Read this and be sure to watch the video, it's pure Tarantino. The wasp attacks the roach and when it gains control it injects a venom in the roach's brain which eliminates what little intelligence and free will the roach might have had, and leaves only the ability to drool and be led around. (Insert joke about niece's boyfriend.) The wasp then grabs the roach by its antennae and walks it like a dog on a leash back to waspville, where it's led compliantly down into the nest, aka God's waiting room. The roach becomes a living buffet for wasp larvae while everyone hums Piece of My Heart by Janis Joplin.

Wasps are predatory and they totally play dirty. I've read a number of articles about some of their tactics and they're just sick minded little goons. The scientists wanted to know how the wasps did this to the roach's brain. They reversed engineered the venom and figured out how it worked. It was a fine tuned chemical that blocked some signals to the brain but not others. To prove their theory they created an antidote which was able to restore the roach to full functionality. It was able to resume a fully productive live. Cockroach 911 rescue with William Shatner can't be far off. Since they have an antidote they now have a moral obligation to rescue the roaches.

2. Japanese scientists did basically the same thing to the Cockroach, except with a solid state backpack:

TOKYO - A big brown cockroach crawls across the table in the laboratory of Japan's most prestigious university. The researcher eyes it nervously, but he doesn't go for the bug spray. He grabs the remote. This is no ordinary under-the-refrigerator type bug. This roach has been surgically implanted with a micro-robotic backpack that allows researchers to control its movements. This is Robo-roach. "Insects can do many things that people can't, " said Assistant Professor Isao Shimoyama, head of the bio-robot research team at Tokyo University. "The potential applications of this work for mankind could be immense." Within a few years, Shimoyama says, electronically controlled insects carrying mini-cameras or other sensory devices could be used for a variety of sensitive missions - like crawling through earthquake rubble to search for victims, or slipping under doors on espionage surveillance.

Far-fetched as that might seem, the Japanese government has deemed the research credible enough to award $5 million to Shimoyama's micro-robotics team and biologists at Tsukuba University, a leading science center in central Japan. Money from the five-year grant started coming in this month, and young researchers are lining up for a slot on Shimoyama's team. (link)

Anytime a scientist talks about a great benifit to mankind run and hide. The Japanese scientists talk like they've forgotten the important lessons learned from their scrapes with Gojira and Mosura.

As if we don't have enough to worry about on this planet. I've seen enough Ridley Scott movies to know this has the potential to completely ruin our already doubtful future.

3. And then there's the Belgians. They studied the sociology of the Cockroach and built a robot cockroach that was able to emulate behaviours that made the real cockroachs accept them as part of the tribe. Kind of a big tent red tory blue tory thing going on there. No word on whether the scientists were German Belgians or French Belgians.

Researchers in Belgium infiltrated cockroach colonies with robots in order to study their group behavior. The robots didn’t look much like cockroaches, but the roaches didn’t mind as long as they smelled right. Not only were the robots accepted as fellow cockroaches, but they became leaders and influenced the groups’ behavior!

Once again you see the zombie like capitulation. Hey, lets put that guy in charge, the one that looks like a lego toy.

Neatoram.com is becoming one of my favourite sites.

All this leads to the usual speculations about evolution. The Cockroaches are going to have to pick it up a bit and evolve some defense mechanisms. They should be avoiding the wasps somehow, not to mention the Belgians and the Japanese. If scientists can develop an antidote to the wasp's stupidity shot then maybe the cockroach will evolve this. Since evolution is incurably slow this could take some time. There is evidence that some species grow bigger and stronger over time. A million years from now there could be some awfully big cockroaches running around. They will have some irrational hatred of wasps, Belgians and Japanese imprinted in their DNA. Humans will probably get smaller because we no longer have the need to fight or flee. H.G. Wells probably had it right in the last chapter of The Time Machine, except instead of really big crustaceans, they'll be really big cockroaches. And they'll be dumb and mad.

I hope I've scared some children. Please recommend this post

Twelve Songs

Twelve Songs Plus

1. Tori Amos - Fat Slut. Seriously. First tune up. Didn't catch the lyrics but they seemed a little direct. First time listening to Tori. Will she kill me? Time will tell. I would like to be listening to the radio when the 12 year old phones the request line. Your on Power 601 go ahead to you have a request? Yeah, um I'd like to request Tori Amos Fat Slut and I'd like to send it out to my friend Michelle...

2. The Byrds - Goin Back.

3. Serena Ryder - Good Morning Sunshine. This song gets covered a lot on those Idol shows where they are trying to manufacture a new celebrity. So I promised I was never going to listen to it again having fond memories of seeing Hair. The song has been redeemed.

gliddy glub gloopy nibby nabby noopy
la la la - lo lo

Its pure brain candy. Plus she's hot. And talented. Hot and talented. There sure are a lot of people doing 60's covers these days. Quite a few of them are hot. I know I'm being sophomoric.

4. Shirley Eikhard - Let Me Down Easy. And after you let me down pick me up and put me back in my wheelchair. I've been let down easy before. If you visit her website she has a long list of people who have covered her songs. It is pretty amazing.

5. Lucinda Williams - Mama You Sweet. What's the song really about. No, really.

6. The Monkees - A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You. The Monkees kept me sane during grade 6 and part of Grade 7. Remember: Monkees not Monkeys.

7. The Beatles - Bungalow Bill. Best line: In case of accidents he always took his mom

8. Wailin Jennies - Long Time Traveller. My niece thinks she's 6 feet tall. She's so delusional. She's like 5'2. I don't why I thought of that. Why here why now?

9. Karan Casey - When Will We All Be Free.

10. Zombies - Season of The Witch.

11. John Michael Talbot - My Vows to the Lord. So we went from Fat Slut to John Michael Talbot. Is anyone shocked. I listen to JMT late at night. It is music that is intended to augment meditation and reflection. So is Fat Slut, but only if someone dedicates it to you on live air.

12. Stephen Fearing - The Man Who Married Music. Love his song-writing.

13. James McMurtry - Red Dress. Not unlike Fat Slut in some ways. My favourite song of his (and I've heard them all) is Choctaw Bingo

Please recommend this post

Listening to?

I'm listening to some classical guitar courtesy of Liona Boyd's The Spanish Album and Sharon Isbin Plays Baroque. The way she plays, she'll never be broke.

On the inside cover of Boyd's album is this picture of her with her cat Muffin. That Cat's eyes are creeping me out.




Hey, didn't she used to date Trudeau? There are any number of ways a paragraph can go sideways when you're talking about Liona Boyd, Muffin, and Pierre Trudeau. I'll leave the punch line up to you. I just like her playing a lot. I'm pretty sure Trudeau would not have liked that cat.

I know less about Sharon Isbin, although she has four or five CDs recorded. She may or may not own a cat, and has never denied not dating a Canadian Prime Minister.

The Vestibules CD Get Spiffy is also in the mix. They provide a welcome break from the byzantine guitarists. My favourite track is Jesus Goes to Hawaii. It is refreshingly irreverent. Or, irreverently refreshing.

The Vestibules is a comedy trio of Terence Bowman, Bernard Deniger and Paul Paré. None of them have dated a Canadian Prime Minister, although to be fair I have not read Mulroney's latest chest thump. Please recommend this post

Cat Food For The Brain

I went over to Sa?e?ay at Market Mall. It was really busy because in the new economy stores cannot find people to fill positions. Or, they screwed up on their scheduling. Take your pick.

They had two clerks on and about 20 people in each line up. I was in the under 15 items line. I've always wondered why they have that. Its not really that much faster when they're busy. Do the cashiers ever count people's items and what if anything do they do if you are over? Why don't they have a minimum item count in the other lines? How did they arrive at the number 15. Where there a bunch of MBA's in a boardroom all day debating this very important number and repeatedly texting Iris to get them more donuts. More Donuts!

If I buy a bunch of Bananas is that one item, or 5. If have a friend along to shop with me can we go up to 30 items? What if I order cigarettes and make the cashier walk all the way to the other end of the store. Why don't they have a line up for people who don't require high maintenance.

Is it less than 15 or less than or equal to 15. If the latter, the signage is incorrect, and in which case it is actually 14 items.

This lady was in the line up in front of me. She was way over 15 items, and had designer frames that you can only get in Mount Royal. She had 50 or more items I guessed. And I had plenty of time to think about it. She was flipping insouciantly through People magazine reading about Britney Spears' mothering skills, which is only available in the under 15 line. The joke here was that it was a short read. Oh, never mind.

She was somewhat pretty (sort of a cross between Amy Winehouse and Vanessa Redgrave) so the men in the line-up just made googly eyes at her. Except for me; I glared at her with the glare-over-15-items-glare-of-death. The cashier waited until she had unloaded all her crap then said condescendingly, do you think you have less than 15 items there deary. You could have heard a pin drop. Deary! Deary indeed. The lady made some upper caste type gesture that was sort of like, Well what are you going to do about it. Nothing thats what I thought. Then she cackled like the Witches in Roman Polanski's version of Macbeth. All right, I made that last part up about cackling. But it would have fit. I've been having a lot of problems lately with my imagination versus reality. I did not make the part up about Roman Polanski filming a version of Macbeth. 1969. Lookup it up. They showed it in high school, but then got in trouble because the Witches showed their boobies.

After she paid she turned to me and apologized and insisted she had no idea this was an express line-up. I would have given anything, even one of my inexplicably sore testicles for just that right come-back. But nothing. Screw this decaffeinated life. I'll wake up at 4am tonight with a total zinger. I'll thank my brain for working so hard on this problem. We'd like to take this opportunity to thank BRAIN for all its hard work. However we feel we need to move in a new direction at this time.

As a dramatic finale 100 item lady waves her finger in the air and demands a school boy to haul her stuff out to her car.

Then the cashier said to me, are these your banarners. That's exactly how she pronounced it. Banarners. Again, no come back. Yes, they're my bunyanyeers, and I'll be paying with my Innerflact card. How was that for a comeback. A little to obtuse? Agreed.

No one has any manners any more. Except me. I let people walk all over me while remaining polite, cheerful, and avoiding a fuss. For this reason I'll never be the mayor of Calgary. Please recommend this post

Statistics and Hysteria

I was just reading this analysis from Stats Canada which suggests our family demographics are changing.

Regarding gay couples:

Half of all same-sex couples in Canada lived in the three largest census metropolitan areas, Montréal, Toronto and Vancouver, in 2006. Toronto accounted for 21.2% of all same-sex couples, Montréal, 18.4% and Vancouver, 10.3%.

In 2006, same-sex couples represented 0.6% of all couples in Canada. This is comparable to data from New Zealand (0.7%) and Australia (0.6%).

Over half (53.7%) of same-sex married spouses were men in 2006, compared with 46.3% who were women.

Regarding one person households:

During this time, the number of one-person households increased 11.8%, more than twice as fast as the 5.3% increase for the total population in private households. At the same time, the number of households consisting of couples without children aged 24 years and under increased 11.2% since 2001.

On legally married versus single or common-law:

Unmarried people outnumber legally married people for the first time

For the first time, the census enumerated more unmarried people aged 15 and over than legally married people.

In 2006, more than one-half (51.5%) of the adult population were unmarried, that is, never married, divorced, separated or widowed, compared with 49.9% five years earlier. Conversely, only 48.5% of persons aged 15 and over were legally married in 2006, down from 50.1% in 2001.

These results are based on the 2006 census, which compiled the responses of almost 9 million Canadians. But not me, I was just cleaning house and found my completed but never submitted form. All the census people probably know me by now as that recalcitrant thwarter of statistics gathering. You could make a movie about it with Reese Witherspoon and that guy from Ferris Bueller's day off and it would be quite funny.

Anyway, I was about to head off to the club when Baldrick came in and breathlessly told me I must read the latest vomitous screed from the Calgary Sun.

Apparently the broader trends are not holding in Calgary, and as a result the Calgary Sun had to diatribe about how much better we are than other Canadians, to quote:

Calgary is holding the fort in a country where the notion of the traditional family is increasingly under siege, states a federal census.

Holding the fort? Against whom? The enemy? What is the traditional family and who is sieging it? These military metaphors are red flags for plain old fashioned bigotry.

States a federal census? Huh? That has to be the most poorly written most mendacious pukey line I think I have ever read in a newspaper. It is absolutely disgraceful to mingle your bigotry in with someone else's headline and make it seem like they're a bigot as well.

But that's our Calgary Sun, defending us tirelessly against statistics, trends, facts and ideas. Please recommend this post

Word of the Month

The word of the month is rodomontade.


Definition:

vainglorious boasting or bragging; pretentious, blustering talk.

Sample usage:

Mr. Harper rotomontaded endlessly about how smart and moral he was.

Mr. Black's rotomontading didn't go unnoticed by the sentencing Judge.

The Calgary Sun engaged in stupifying pro-war rotomontade.

My girlfriend whispered in my ear, a little less rotomontade and a little more action.

I suggest you use the word at the dinner table today. Surprise your loved ones with your buoyant literacy. Put your spouse in her/his place for once. No one would have comeback for a word like that. Please recommend this post

Is your face in order?

Canada's new government: Mouth open. Yelling. Finger pointing. Bad hair.

Canada is a difficult country to manage. Almost everything in Canada is based on some type of accommodation. That's why we have Catholic Schools, RCMP officers wearing Turbans, bilingual courts and Ben Mulroney on television.

One of the main differences between Canadian conservatives and Canadian liberals is that conservatives have no interest in accommodation. They want to throw everything into a blender and have it come out pure white. It's their way or no way.

Hence the current fake debate over women wearing religious facial covering while voting. Oh, the outrage. My preference would be to have Muslim women reveal their faces when voting but if they do not wish to then it is a relatively harmless compromise to show sufficient documentation. It is also, mostly, none of my business. In no way does this compromise take away my rights, any more than the happiness of a gay couple will ruin some straight couple's marriage.

I have voted in many elections in Alberta and I cannot remember ever having a returning office look at my face. It goes more like this: take driver's license, look up address on voter register, cross voter off list. With 10's of thousands of voters passing through a polling station and a horde of returning officers, it seems unlikely that seeing someone's face would have any particular deterrent effect.

Maybe the returning officers should be required to ask you if you are gay, collect stamps, or believe in evolution. Seems like common sense to me.

I pity the first returning officer who turns away a WHITE voter because their hair has been died blue and they've grown a large porn star mustache in the intervening years since they got their driver's license photo updated.

To say that something is required because it is common sense is not an argument and has no weight because common sense is just a euphemism for my opinion. We obviously know by now that Mr. Harper is a bully and not a consensus builder. Intimidating an independent body that is commissioned to oversee election fairness is very very scary scenario. It is no different than Harper's frequent intimidation of Judges. Harper's generalissimo personality will be his undoing.

Remember, it was Stephen Harper who forced the Canadian Taxpayer to spend millions of dollars defending electoral fairness laws when Harper was the head of the National Citizen's Coalition. Who was Harper representing? Sorry, Mr. Transparency would never say.

Where was the outrage when Alberta's Provincial Progressive Conservatives were found to be at the centre of the Ward 10 voting scandal in Calgary's last civic election. In this case, a large number of mail in ballots were forged. Although they got caught, the punishment was ridiculously light, and some of the players were never even brought to trial. And, of course, no finger wagging from Mr. Harper.

Our Constitution guarantees us certain rights, such as the freedom of religion, the freedom of conscience and the right to lawfully participate in elections. Mr. Harper's intimidation cannot change that. Please recommend this post

Vicki's Banjo Bowl Fantasy

Vicki Hall of the Edmonton Journal has a dream:

Can you imagine the spectacle of thousands of prairie folk invading downtown Toronto for Grey Cup? Could there be anything better than for the CFL? If the Labour Day series is any indication, we could see the Roughriders and Blue Bombers in Hogtown for the big game.

Yeah, that would be something. Saskatchewan and Winnipeg in the Grey Cup playing in Toronto. They've never played each other in the Grey Cup[1] and both teams go back to the 1930's.

It would create a huge political problem for the CFL, the CBC and the organizers in Toronto. Think of the panic when they realize that no one east of Kenora will tune in or care. Cue the Nick Nolte film.

It is unusual to read this kind of prediction in the Edmonton Journal of all places, but Most Esk fans have known for some time that they won't be seeing their team in Canada's number one sporting event, or even in the playoffs.

Politics and ratings issues aside, I agree with Ms. Hall that this could be one of the best Grey Cup match games ever. Who would you rather watch? Calgary and Toronto? BC and Montreal? Pffft I say.

Bring on the Banjo Bowl non-pareil! And that's exactly what we're going to call it. BBNP for short.

Notes:
[1] The Grey Cup was named after Lord Grey, an Edwardian aristocrat whose wife couldn't get the hang of washing her delicate lingerie in the hard mineral laden waters of Upper Canada. Its a fact.
[2]In 1951,1966,1969 and 1976 the Ottawa Rough Riders played the Saskatchewan Roughriders in the Grey Cup. That would have been a hoot to watch the foreign visitors scratching their heads. Please recommend this post

Alnoor Kassam: Stop Talking!

I was wandering down a back alley across from SAIT when I saw this billboard:

This is a campaign ad for Calgary mayoralty candidate Alnoor Kassam.

Alnoor Kassam is running against 3 term Mayor Dave Bronconnier. I can't help but be a bit puzzled by the slogan A Little Less Conversation, A little More Action! I really am not sure what he means by this. The political culture in Calgary and Alberta is such that politicians do whatever they want with complete impunity behind a veil of secrecy.

I think that a Mayoralty candidate who campaigned on more transparency in civic government could hit a raw nerve and possibly score some points. Is Alnoor that candidate? Less Conversation is like telling people to shut up and doesn't lead me to believe the candidate thinks transparency is important.

Alnoor's logo creates cognitive dissonance. A green hexagon with the enlarged word GO inside it. Hexagon means stop. Green means go. Less conversation, but I have a lot of ideas.

Alnoor's campaign also may have received the kiss of death already, by way of a semi-lucid endorsement from Paul Jackson, who is probably just manipulating Alnoor to campaign against liberalism, progressive thinking, and literacy.

Bronconnier's message does not seem to be that much better. Even though he is the most well funded of all the candidates he will probably run a low key, issueless campaign. Everything is fine. Like David Emerson, he'll just tell the voters that he has to carry on with his important work. He is already using passive meaningless language like, leading with passion and purpose.

Please recommend this post

Kent Austin: Bigger than Jesus

So RidersFan is sitting out on the pool deck enjoying the last few days of summer, when Rider's Coach Kent Austin comes along. Being a nice guy Austin takes some time to chat with RidersFan about football and whatever. RidersFan and Coach notice a cooler of cold beer on the other side of the pool. Coach says, hey, you want me to grab you a beer? RidersFan says sure. Coach Austin then walks on the water across the pool, grabs two beers, walks back across the water, pops open both beers and hands one to RidersFan.[1]

RidersFan's jaw drops. Finally when he can talk again, he says, hey how did you do that. Easy, says Coach, the bottles have twist tops, very easy to open.

Sunday, September 9: Roughriders at Winnipeg

Prediction: Winnipeg by a few points.

You have to pick the underdog once in a while even though my prediction seems unlikely. All winning streaks must come to an end. Somebody somewhere needs to put a stop to the green surge.

Friday, September 7: Calgary at Edmonton

Ick. Don't make me watch this game. Don't make me call it. The odds are in favour of Calgary. Historically, they have a slight edge in the Labor day re-match. Also, Edmonton is demoralized and the towns folks have started calling for the head of the coach. How this helps is anyone's guess.

Bus loads of drunk Calgarians[2], who started drinking at about 2pm today, should be arriving in Edmonton right about...now.

Maciocia isn't helping either. He was muttering about making some visits to Santa Maria Goretti Church, which is near Commonwealth Stadium. No word on how long it will take to get that message through. Maybe watch a few game tapes just in case.

Update: Calgary 20 Edmonton NOT 20


Notes:
[1] Punch line ripped off from old beer commercial. Otherwise, events as described actually occurred.
[2] Rhymes with Vulgarians. Ha.
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My Mulroney Rant

Our former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney stopped taking his medication and is now talking to the media. Like Richard Nixon, he looks back and feels he got a bad deal from history and wants to do a makeover on his image. Although Mulroney is quite wealthy, the National Post has offered their image making services for free. I feel embarrassed for Mulroney, it is not often that someone is so dumb they lose an argument with a dead guy. There are some serious head issues going on here.

Mulroney has held a long and persistent delusion that Pierre Trudeau ruined Canada and that God himself appointed him to fix it. These delusions of grandeur are not uncommon in politics, but seldom do they run so deep. The main outcomes of Mulroney-to-the-rescue were the Reform Party, the Parti Québécois, the disintegration of the Federal Progressive Conservative Party and the subsequent disenfranchisement of millions of moderate Red Tories. Moderate and tolerant people in the Western Provinces would like to thank Mr. Mulroney very much for turning us over to a bunch of head in ass crazy lunatics. Not to mention ruining TV for ever through the untalented fruit of his loins.

We have more important issues in 2007 than what Trudeau did or didn't do when he was teething. This latest attack is not about Canada or history, it is about Mulroney's easily bruised ego, and his lifelong hobby of seeking revenge on the vast multitudes of those who apparently betrayed him. Lucien Bouchard was a duplicitous separatist? Oh dear, lets write an Opera. Who the hell cares whether Lucien Bouchard is invited to your funeral? I wish Mr. Mulroney a long and healthy life, but when he does die, I hope this guy gives him equal time.

If I wanted to get dragged back into the absolute moral black hole of the 1980's I would grow my big hair back, re-cultivate the magnum PI porn star mustache, and go looking for those 4 inch wide ties I used to wear. But no, I have no interest in going back to the 80's.

Canada is largely a country that cannot be governed to the satisfaction of any particular group or region. Our history proves this. The fact that we did not get our own constitution until 1982 is retarded and backwards. The fact that Freedom of Conscience and Freedom of Religion was not legally enshrined until Trudeau's Charter[1] in 1982 is retarded. The American people got a Bill of Rights in 1789, the British in 1689, the French in 1789, the Finns in 1919 and so on. Clearly, Canada was behind the human rights curve by a long shot. The fact that we have no elected senate is shameful. Liberals should have been at the forefront of the debate from decades ago, yet it was left up to political extremists who view an elected senate as a back door to assert their ridiculous views over Parliament and the rest of us.

No one politician or party is to blame for Canada's long term issues, but at the same time Mulroney did absolutely nothing to fix anything.

Mulroney has no business criticizing Trudeau for opposing conscription. In both world wars it was a debate that very nearly broke up the country. Mulroney is not dumb, he knows that by playing verbal games with the conscription issue he can further divide a country that is conflicted over our involvement in Afghanistan. And he thinks this makes him look good?

Mulroney was much younger than Trudeau, born in 1939. At that time the Mackenzie King Government (Liberal) and the American government (FDR - Democrat) were turning away Jewish refugees from Europe. It is likely that many of those Jewish people died as a result of being forced back to Europe. To me this is a far more serious historical issue than whether Trudeau opposed conscription, but you are unlikely to hear Mulroney talk about it because it doesn't serve as a suitable platform for his vanity. It is debatable whether people in Canada knew about the holocaust at this point, or what our Governments knew about it in the 1930's. To say that Trudeau opposed conscription because he was anti-semitic or didn't care about the death of European Jews seems like a fairly ignorant thing to say.

As a person who as never known war or conscription in my life time, I consider it highly inappropriate for me to pass judgment on those of a previous generation who either went to war voluntarily, or refused to go. If you are not faced with that choice yourself, you are hardly qualified to talk about someone else's character. Mulroney was a baby when WWII broke out, and apparently has not moved forward that much.

If Trudeau said or did things that were anti-semitic, he deserves to have a light shone on it. Antisemitism is a much larger problem in our society than most people will admit. I'm not really sure what Mulroney can claim as his contribution to stopping antisemitism in Canada. Probably just some self-serving rhetoric here and there.

Final word: Mr Mulroney, if you chop the head off a dead man it does not make you taller.

Notes:
[1] The Diefenbaker Bill of Rights in 1960 was a noble document and forward thinking but it was an Act of Parliament and not part of a constitution.
[2] My spell checker does not recognize Mulroney as a word and suggests Moneybag and Melloney as alternatives.)
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