[Writing live from an undisclosed and tawdry location]
I got my $400.00 Alberta Government Energy rebate cheque in the mail today.
Thanks a lot to Big Daddy. I knew he loved me after all. He's a kind and generous man. And all you envious eastern frenchy loving kyoto signing gay marriage sex agendizing with your pot smoking hippy soccer mom pretensions won't get a piece of this one.
Not unless you fart out another Liberal majority and they bring in a National Energy Alberta Rebate Clawback Program. [1] (<- thats a footnote see bottom)
To be honest though, I'm not sure I'm in totally in need of this cheque. Sure its been a tough year and that may continue but there may be other people who need it more than me.
[Three red heads walking by. What are the chances.]
Take Murray Smith for example. With his paltry half million dollar salary, and his insulting MLA pension Murray struggles to make ends meet as Alberta's point man in Washington D.C. Do you have any idea how much a Limo costs, or a nice dinner at the Savoy Suites Hotel? It's a Dicken's novel for sure. And its not like he's loafing or anything, its hard hard work going to all those Cocktail parties desperately pleading with American Politicians to please please buy Alberta's Oil & Gas. He works hard for his demeaning wage. [2]
[Hey I know that guy over there. He ran this company into the ground. It was really quite funny. Well, not for the employees. ]
I was surprise at the large number of advertisements(sp?) for places that were offering rebates on things provided you paid with your Alberta Energy Rebate cheque. I figured all this piling on of rebates deserved its own word. I thought about super-aggregated-rebate but then I thought that was too grandiose. Then I thought of meta-rebate but that's too Greek and a little thick. One term I am definitely trying to avoid is Master-Rebate. I have settled on the term yoinkabate, as in, yoink thanks for your cheque here's your temporarily over-priced crappy MP3 player. bye now. Is this an example of intelligent design? One day a dinosaur farts, has a debilitating aneurism and falls over into a bog. Fast forward and now you're listening to Green Day. Now that's some wacky evolution, and hardly the work of a Supreme Being.
I was going to do some work on my house with that $400 cheque but I have a feeling that every dinky little job is going to be "around $400" for the next little while. So I guess I'll give some of it to charity, or to a political group that shares my philosophical inclinations.
Notes:
[1] Just so you know, if you read something like this in the Calgary Herald or Calgary Sun they're probably serious. Me, I'm just goofing around.
[2] Credits to Donna Summer.
Please recommend this post
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Thursday, January 19, 2006
A Variation on a Theme
Or...what goes around comes around...
Well I just wanted to assure all our friends in central america that a vote for Ronald Reagan is a vote for peace and stability in the region. We wish you God speed with all your little socialist revolutions. Gosh, I would'nt know how to fund or arm right wing death squads anyhow, and even if I did there's no way our congress would let me get away with that. They'd find out for sure. So I'm no danger at all to you folks. Checks and balances will keep me lucid, you'll see.
A vote for me, Brian Mulroney, would be a vote to respect Mr. Trudeau and his Constitution and in no way would I ever try to redefine that document. I have far too much respect for Mr. Trudeau. I also respect the hard working people of Canada and would never enter into a wacky trade deal or sell out Canada. You can count on me, Brian Mulroney, not do anything right wingy crazy. And besides the Trudeau appointed Liberal activist judges would most certainly stop me. That and a bit of pacreatitis. So vote for me, Brian Mulroney, for a competely harmless Prime Minister. And one other thing...
Sorry, Mr. Mulroney, your time is up.
What? That's a crazy idea. Never ever would I drug, handcuff and then throw my political opponents out of helicopters into the ocean. You do not know the bureaucracy in Chile. It would take years to get the approval. And the military would just not tolerate such a thing. We have a Constitution you know, to protect the people. Look, I simply won't be able to be a homicidal maniac. Its far too complicated. What a crazy question. Next question...?
Oh my good gracious! Argentina? A Thatcher government would have no hostility to Argentina whatsoever. Ridiculous. Even if I wanted to send vessels down there - armed with Nuclear Missiles my critics will say - the British Civil Service would just simply not allow it. There's no way around the British Civil Service. Can't be done. Oh for God sakes don't look at me like that. I'm really quite harmless. John Major is behind all this is'nt he?
Please recommend this post
Monday, January 16, 2006
15 Predictions
I've had a protracted predilection for predicting. Thus I offer the following 15 properly prepared predictions regarding the remainder of 2006.
1. Premier Klein will resign sometime within the next six months. This is not only my prediction, it was floated over Christmas by the Calgary Herald who claimed to have inside knowledge of a dump Klein movement that is very advanced in its plans. Mysteriously, the article disappeared from their web site in the new year. In any case, Klein will discretely be offered a very generous package to leave. This will include a major send off that will make Klein look like Jesus Christ. Watch for lots of public things named after Klein. If Klein does not take the package there will be a full blown civil war and he will end up walking the plank. Six months top.
1a. Jim Dinning will win the Tory Party leadership on the first vote.
2. Shelly Winters will remain dead through 2006 and well into 2007.
3. Stephen Harper will win a slim majority in the upcoming general election. He will have a very hard time managing the wingnuts.
4. The Calgary Stampeders will not win the Grey Cup this year. The Calgary media will blame Hugh Campbell, the referees, the bad turf at Commonwealth Stadium, the National Energy Program...
5. Stockwell Day will become Minister of Foreign Affair, thus enhancing our reputation all over the globe. Mr. Day will be sued a third time for libel or defamation, and at some point there will be a riot in the House of Commons when an opposition member refers to him as Hat Trick Day.
6. René Lévesque, Pierre Trudeau and Lester Pearson will all spin in their graves through out the year, all trying to out-spin each other.
7. The Edmonton Oilers will make it to the second round of the NHL playoffs but no further.
8. The Green Party will win 0 seats in the upcoming general election even though their popular vote will increase. Jim Harris will do or say something really really outrageous after the election.
9. The current election campaign of the Liberal Party of Canada will go down in history as the worst run campaign ever. Even worse than John Turner's 1984 debacle. Paul Martin will be dumped as leader (or will resign) sometime this year.
10. Brian Mulroney will claim that he single-handedly engineered Stephen Harper's general election victory.
11. Jean Chrétien will claim that Paul Martin destroyed the Liberal Party of Canada and single-handedly engineered Stephen Harper's general election victory.
12. Tippi Hedren will continue to be very popular in Germany, Denmark and Scotland, and thus for reasons I don't fully understand, will continue to drive readers to my site through google's opaque logic.
13. The author will wake up at 4am one night this week in a cold sweat and realize that the annual prediction meme is so passé it is unbelievable anyone would still be doing it.
14. Monte Solberg will be accused of stealing day old donuts from a Safeway store. Dave Hancock will be photographed by the Edmonton Sun while dressed as a woman.
15. The Edmonton Sun will endorse Ted Morton as the next premier. Please recommend this post
1. Premier Klein will resign sometime within the next six months. This is not only my prediction, it was floated over Christmas by the Calgary Herald who claimed to have inside knowledge of a dump Klein movement that is very advanced in its plans. Mysteriously, the article disappeared from their web site in the new year. In any case, Klein will discretely be offered a very generous package to leave. This will include a major send off that will make Klein look like Jesus Christ. Watch for lots of public things named after Klein. If Klein does not take the package there will be a full blown civil war and he will end up walking the plank. Six months top.
1a. Jim Dinning will win the Tory Party leadership on the first vote.
2. Shelly Winters will remain dead through 2006 and well into 2007.
3. Stephen Harper will win a slim majority in the upcoming general election. He will have a very hard time managing the wingnuts.
4. The Calgary Stampeders will not win the Grey Cup this year. The Calgary media will blame Hugh Campbell, the referees, the bad turf at Commonwealth Stadium, the National Energy Program...
5. Stockwell Day will become Minister of Foreign Affair, thus enhancing our reputation all over the globe. Mr. Day will be sued a third time for libel or defamation, and at some point there will be a riot in the House of Commons when an opposition member refers to him as Hat Trick Day.
6. René Lévesque, Pierre Trudeau and Lester Pearson will all spin in their graves through out the year, all trying to out-spin each other.
7. The Edmonton Oilers will make it to the second round of the NHL playoffs but no further.
8. The Green Party will win 0 seats in the upcoming general election even though their popular vote will increase. Jim Harris will do or say something really really outrageous after the election.
9. The current election campaign of the Liberal Party of Canada will go down in history as the worst run campaign ever. Even worse than John Turner's 1984 debacle. Paul Martin will be dumped as leader (or will resign) sometime this year.
10. Brian Mulroney will claim that he single-handedly engineered Stephen Harper's general election victory.
11. Jean Chrétien will claim that Paul Martin destroyed the Liberal Party of Canada and single-handedly engineered Stephen Harper's general election victory.
12. Tippi Hedren will continue to be very popular in Germany, Denmark and Scotland, and thus for reasons I don't fully understand, will continue to drive readers to my site through google's opaque logic.
13. The author will wake up at 4am one night this week in a cold sweat and realize that the annual prediction meme is so passé it is unbelievable anyone would still be doing it.
14. Monte Solberg will be accused of stealing day old donuts from a Safeway store. Dave Hancock will be photographed by the Edmonton Sun while dressed as a woman.
15. The Edmonton Sun will endorse Ted Morton as the next premier. Please recommend this post
Friday, December 23, 2005
Knives out For Anders
You would never know there was an election going on. Here in Calgary West there are not a lot of signs up yet. While driving down 32nd Avenue yesterday near Shaganappi I saw these huge Rob Anders signs with hisself staring westerly with a dull empty gaze. That sign scared me. The face must be at least 3 feet high. There ought to be a law.
A few hours later I drove by again and some creative vandal had surgically cut out the faces from the sign and left them laying in the grass. Just laying there staring upward with that dull empty gaze. That must have taken some great eye hand coordination. Probably a pre-med student. I thought it was quite funny since it put Anders in the proper context: faceless and headless. A good work of art does not always have to be legal. Although I can't condone vandalism, still my spirits are raised by a once in a life time opportunity to use the word defacement in its most proper meaning. I'll bet the vandal artist escaped in an Audi A6. Watch out for roving bands of toothless vigilantes driving around in old boogie vans looking for Librals to beat up.
The Liberal candidate in Calgary West is Jennifer Pollock, a former Public School Board Trustee. On her blog she gets off a few good cracks on Anders. I like the cut of her jib, but I'm not quite sure what to do with her boss.
The Green Candidate in the riding is Danielle Roberts, a University of Calgary student. She ran in 2004.
The NDP candidate is Teale Phelps Bondaroff, a University of Calgary Political Science student. I like the fact that somebody can take Poly-Sci at the University of Calgary and not get sucked into the Calgary School BS.
Any one of these candidates would be a better MP than the incumbent.
Rumors persist that a large Blueberry Pie will join the race representing the Delicious Desserts Party. This rumor has the Conservative campaign wringing their hands because they know from experience how easy it is to split the inanimate object vote. Please recommend this post
A few hours later I drove by again and some creative vandal had surgically cut out the faces from the sign and left them laying in the grass. Just laying there staring upward with that dull empty gaze. That must have taken some great eye hand coordination. Probably a pre-med student. I thought it was quite funny since it put Anders in the proper context: faceless and headless. A good work of art does not always have to be legal. Although I can't condone vandalism, still my spirits are raised by a once in a life time opportunity to use the word defacement in its most proper meaning. I'll bet the vandal artist escaped in an Audi A6. Watch out for roving bands of toothless vigilantes driving around in old boogie vans looking for Librals to beat up.
The Liberal candidate in Calgary West is Jennifer Pollock, a former Public School Board Trustee. On her blog she gets off a few good cracks on Anders. I like the cut of her jib, but I'm not quite sure what to do with her boss.
The Green Candidate in the riding is Danielle Roberts, a University of Calgary student. She ran in 2004.
The NDP candidate is Teale Phelps Bondaroff, a University of Calgary Political Science student. I like the fact that somebody can take Poly-Sci at the University of Calgary and not get sucked into the Calgary School BS.
Any one of these candidates would be a better MP than the incumbent.
Rumors persist that a large Blueberry Pie will join the race representing the Delicious Desserts Party. This rumor has the Conservative campaign wringing their hands because they know from experience how easy it is to split the inanimate object vote. Please recommend this post
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Gimme, gimme, gimme
Last week I was totally in the giving mood, even though I was not entirely sure who to buy what for, but I went ahead anyway and bought a couple of damn fine gifts that anyone would be humbled to receive. This week I decided I wanted to focus more on getting than receiving. Screw the virtues its all about me now. Thus I've prepared my wish list what follows:
1. I wish Debbie Travis would come over to my house and help me paint. We could start in the Kitchen. Who knows where we'd end up. [Makes Roy Orbison Pretty Woman Growly noise]
2. I want to be credited with inventing the word finguary (fing-you-airy), which I will explain later.
3. I want Anne McLellan to come over to my house and read to me from the Constitution Act of 1982. (Please omit the amending formula stuff. That's all such crap.) If its not too forward of me, I'd like to lie down and place my head upon her lap and listen to her soothing soothing voice.
3. I wish all the best for my friend Kate in 2006, since 2005 was kind of a rough one.
(I've just been informed by an alert reader that I have two item #3s. I wish I could number lists properly. Now my numbering is out by 2.)
4. I'd like to travel to Japan for a year or two and study Judo while I'm still young enough to take the physical pounding. While there I'd also like to study many other aspects of Japanese culture which I find interesting. I figure this would cost around $100,000. Maybe less if one stays away from the woman, the sushi, and the beer. I can't earn $100,000 overnight so it may have to be stolen. Keep in mind I'm getting older by the day. Let me know what you can throw in.
5. If Anne McLellan does come over to my house I hope she will bring some Beer and Popcorn, paid for by that big mouth dude who started the whole Beer and Popcorn thing. Although, having visited Calgary's Red Mile and Edmonton's Whyte Avenue many times I would point out that Beer and Popcorn do not always make a good combination as evidenced by the puddles of Beer and Popcorn lying inertly on the sidewalk having been rejected forcefully by their consumers.
6. I wish for the best of luck to my neighbors who are moving to Qatar soon.
(I've just been informed by an alert reader that the above item should have been number 8.)
7. I hope that there is an earthquake in Iran and the President and his collection of Mullahs can magically be transported to 300km below the Antarctic ice cap. There, they can rant endlessly about how the holocaust did'nt occur and wipe Israel off their make believe maps while the Mullahs lecture the penguins about proper conduct[2]. Every couple of hundred years we could launch a rescue effort to see if they've grown up at all. In the meantime the people of Iran could get on with the political and social reforms that we all know they want.
8. I don't ever ever ever want to see Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch ever ever ever again. Television, by its nature is supposed to pound away at our innocence and naivete. I thought I had seen everything. But that couch hopping thing stripped away the last remaining sense of humans are ok that I had left. I'd rather listen to 3 hours of Aristocrat jokes.
9. I wish for another year of NOT seeing the Passion of the Christ. May I never give in to the temptation to watch that horrible degrading sadistic blood flinging piece of crap.
10. I want to meet those guys who stole Edvard Munch's the Screamer from the Museum in Oslo. They got away in a really sharp Audi A6 which I wrote about here. They finally got arrested this week. I can't bring myself to see them as common criminals. They were driving a freaking Audi A6. I see them more as Art Liberationists. The painting was probably set in an ugly frame from Ikea. What's a person to do? It gave me this idea for Art Galleries to fake robberies in broad daylight to raise interest in the works being shown. But they'd have to flee in really cool cars. Performance Art, that's the ticket.
11. I definitely need more Ginch[1]. The brand I prefer is called Prodige Athletik, available at Costco and other fine purveyors of men's underwear. The attractive model on the front cover of the package might turn weaker men gay but definetly not me, although I do freely admit, in an abstract sort of way, his intense beauty. That guy's body fat is measure in micrograms. Thats another thing I want - a much leaner body - damn, I wacked the numbering scheme again.
...
[1] Ginch. A pejorative term used throughout western Canada to denote men's underwear.
[2] The Mullah's will be shocked to learn the Penguins have a high rate of homosexuality.
Update: fixed some of my sub-optimal spelling. Please recommend this post
1. I wish Debbie Travis would come over to my house and help me paint. We could start in the Kitchen. Who knows where we'd end up. [Makes Roy Orbison Pretty Woman Growly noise]
2. I want to be credited with inventing the word finguary (fing-you-airy), which I will explain later.
3. I want Anne McLellan to come over to my house and read to me from the Constitution Act of 1982. (Please omit the amending formula stuff. That's all such crap.) If its not too forward of me, I'd like to lie down and place my head upon her lap and listen to her soothing soothing voice.
3. I wish all the best for my friend Kate in 2006, since 2005 was kind of a rough one.
(I've just been informed by an alert reader that I have two item #3s. I wish I could number lists properly. Now my numbering is out by 2.)
4. I'd like to travel to Japan for a year or two and study Judo while I'm still young enough to take the physical pounding. While there I'd also like to study many other aspects of Japanese culture which I find interesting. I figure this would cost around $100,000. Maybe less if one stays away from the woman, the sushi, and the beer. I can't earn $100,000 overnight so it may have to be stolen. Keep in mind I'm getting older by the day. Let me know what you can throw in.
5. If Anne McLellan does come over to my house I hope she will bring some Beer and Popcorn, paid for by that big mouth dude who started the whole Beer and Popcorn thing. Although, having visited Calgary's Red Mile and Edmonton's Whyte Avenue many times I would point out that Beer and Popcorn do not always make a good combination as evidenced by the puddles of Beer and Popcorn lying inertly on the sidewalk having been rejected forcefully by their consumers.
6. I wish for the best of luck to my neighbors who are moving to Qatar soon.
(I've just been informed by an alert reader that the above item should have been number 8.)
7. I hope that there is an earthquake in Iran and the President and his collection of Mullahs can magically be transported to 300km below the Antarctic ice cap. There, they can rant endlessly about how the holocaust did'nt occur and wipe Israel off their make believe maps while the Mullahs lecture the penguins about proper conduct[2]. Every couple of hundred years we could launch a rescue effort to see if they've grown up at all. In the meantime the people of Iran could get on with the political and social reforms that we all know they want.
8. I don't ever ever ever want to see Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch ever ever ever again. Television, by its nature is supposed to pound away at our innocence and naivete. I thought I had seen everything. But that couch hopping thing stripped away the last remaining sense of humans are ok that I had left. I'd rather listen to 3 hours of Aristocrat jokes.
9. I wish for another year of NOT seeing the Passion of the Christ. May I never give in to the temptation to watch that horrible degrading sadistic blood flinging piece of crap.
10. I want to meet those guys who stole Edvard Munch's the Screamer from the Museum in Oslo. They got away in a really sharp Audi A6 which I wrote about here. They finally got arrested this week. I can't bring myself to see them as common criminals. They were driving a freaking Audi A6. I see them more as Art Liberationists. The painting was probably set in an ugly frame from Ikea. What's a person to do? It gave me this idea for Art Galleries to fake robberies in broad daylight to raise interest in the works being shown. But they'd have to flee in really cool cars. Performance Art, that's the ticket.
11. I definitely need more Ginch[1]. The brand I prefer is called Prodige Athletik, available at Costco and other fine purveyors of men's underwear. The attractive model on the front cover of the package might turn weaker men gay but definetly not me, although I do freely admit, in an abstract sort of way, his intense beauty. That guy's body fat is measure in micrograms. Thats another thing I want - a much leaner body - damn, I wacked the numbering scheme again.
...
[1] Ginch. A pejorative term used throughout western Canada to denote men's underwear.
[2] The Mullah's will be shocked to learn the Penguins have a high rate of homosexuality.
Update: fixed some of my sub-optimal spelling. Please recommend this post
Monday, December 05, 2005
Christmas Gift Buying
For the nth year in a row I'm left hanging trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be buying for this year. We had a big Thanksgiving dinner this year and everyone (around 30 people) in our family were there. After dinner for the nth year in a row the woman started trying to make up crazy rules about who buys for who and what the gift theme is this year. They tried the first draw of names off little chits. That worked well for about 5 seconds until everyone started throwing out reasons why x should'nt buy for y. (Variations on the theme that men are stupid gift buyers.) The second draw went soooo much smoother because half the family walked away from the table with their little chits not knowing that there was a redo. When I got home I had three little chits in my pocket. Inevitably I had to ask who I was supposed to buy for. I thought someone was in charge. All I got was a perfunctory civil servant answer about referring to the chit I was assigned. Could I please speak to your supervisor? Its worse than Adscam.
Anyway, I'm heading down to 17th Avenue S.W. in Calgary tomorrow. There are some really nice shops in that area. If someone asks me if they can help me find anything, I'll say, yeah, I'm looking for a suitable gift for someone between the ages of 20 and 84, possibly male or female. Then I'll get the do you think I work in retail because I want to deal with Schmos like you look. Its the same look when you go into a Lounge for your first drink and order a highball.
Now that I remember Thanksgiving dinner it seems to me that the teenagers sat in the basement all evening on their fat asses because apparently they're too good to socialize with the adults. Is this common? I hope and pray every day that those girls get some post-secondary education to broader their perspectives rather than sitting on their fat asses in the basement for the rest of their lives. It's probably the only way they'll meet some decent dudes.
I just know that when the gift exchange thingy takes place on Christmas day there's going to be people who get 4 gifts and others who get none. Tears may be shed. Reputations ruined. Every year I say document it in a spreadsheet, but no one listens. I feel like Christmas is being organized by FEMA.
I think this would make a fine gift. Please recommend this post
Anyway, I'm heading down to 17th Avenue S.W. in Calgary tomorrow. There are some really nice shops in that area. If someone asks me if they can help me find anything, I'll say, yeah, I'm looking for a suitable gift for someone between the ages of 20 and 84, possibly male or female. Then I'll get the do you think I work in retail because I want to deal with Schmos like you look. Its the same look when you go into a Lounge for your first drink and order a highball.
Now that I remember Thanksgiving dinner it seems to me that the teenagers sat in the basement all evening on their fat asses because apparently they're too good to socialize with the adults. Is this common? I hope and pray every day that those girls get some post-secondary education to broader their perspectives rather than sitting on their fat asses in the basement for the rest of their lives. It's probably the only way they'll meet some decent dudes.
I just know that when the gift exchange thingy takes place on Christmas day there's going to be people who get 4 gifts and others who get none. Tears may be shed. Reputations ruined. Every year I say document it in a spreadsheet, but no one listens. I feel like Christmas is being organized by FEMA.
I think this would make a fine gift. Please recommend this post
Saturday, December 03, 2005
West Voting Base
In the bucolic days of July when time moved slowly and when I should have been doing other things I put together this excel spreadsheet. It summarizes the last four election totals in the four western provinces. You are welcome to download this file and take a look. Let us know what you think the trends are. Does anything surprise you? What jumps out at me is the fact that the Western Media is no where near reflective of the right/left composition of Western Canada. There's no rule that says they have to be in a free press, but it is interesting. There are other things I find really puzzling about these numbers and am still thinking about. Remember, just as in investing and girlfriends, past performance is no indication of future gain. Or pain.
I'm still tweaking this spreadsheet and verifying the calculations. If you notice anything odd let me know. Please recommend this post
I'm still tweaking this spreadsheet and verifying the calculations. If you notice anything odd let me know. Please recommend this post
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Reactionary Ranting Resumed Reflectively
Alternate Title 1: 90 odd days
Alternate Title 2: Chicken inspector #23
It has been 90 odd days since my last post. A week or so ago I was riding my bike around town and sitting out on the patio. But a few days ago winter fell on Calgary like a bad movie. I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with a bunch of incontinent seniors and some colicy babies. Which reminds me: I was in Stoppers Shrug Mart® today and the Muzak was screeching out Lennon & McCartney's Revolution. And I mean screeching. That was the most ridiculous thing I've heard in a long time. It stuck out in my mind because of its sheer evil, but also because earlier in the day there was a Lennon Retrospective on some radio show somewhere and they were talking about how far ahead of the curve that song was. Is this how it will all end for my generation? Will I be sitting in a nursing home dribbling while my room-mate bangs out Hey Jude on his Bazouki? Hopefully the Progressive Conservatives will still be running Alberta because then there will at least be the possibility of being scalded to death or denied basic human dignity until you just float away. Patient 32 is floating away, quick, get him to sign his invoice!
I wish it were May. I'm not mentally prepared for winter as evidenced by my reckless driving today. I nearly took out a Sun box. Had I hit it it would have been bad. It would have been like Opium. I would have had to run over all the rest of them, unable to stop. I'd end up stealing cars just to support my habit of running over Sun boxes. Don't judge me till you've felt that high.
As 2005 crept along careening and gyrating like a stoned CFL cheerleader, and looking at the constant unfolding of this weird world, both inside and outside, I began to feel mute. I feel more like listening than talking, more like reading than writing, and more like contemplating than fighting the mental fragmentation that occurs in the typical day. I feel like I've been drowning in information and data but starved for knowledge. (I stole that quotation and can't find the source.) And if there is one thing I do know clearly, it is how much I have to learn. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I find it has become a major fight to get into a focused brain zone which is so essential to my type of work, and everyone's really. I suspect it has a lot to do with the way media and technology push us these days. But that is a whole other post.
Anyway, I plan to start writing in this blog more, at least much as I can. I can't predict where it will all go. On many days I find myself incredibly unhappy, but on other days I'm laughing my a** off at something I came across. Not to mention the upcoming (or coming up) Federal Election. Yes, I'm really interested in listening to a bunch of fucked up liars smearing each other for 30 or 60 or 90 days. I have some interesting statistics on the fucked up liars that I hope to post sometime soon. But for now, lets just all accept the premise that they are fucked up liars.
Speaking of laughing, if you get a chance listen to this clip on the BBC site. Woody Allen talking about S.J. Perlman. Its worth a listen.
Good night and good pluck. Please recommend this post
Alternate Title 2: Chicken inspector #23
It has been 90 odd days since my last post. A week or so ago I was riding my bike around town and sitting out on the patio. But a few days ago winter fell on Calgary like a bad movie. I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with a bunch of incontinent seniors and some colicy babies. Which reminds me: I was in Stoppers Shrug Mart® today and the Muzak was screeching out Lennon & McCartney's Revolution. And I mean screeching. That was the most ridiculous thing I've heard in a long time. It stuck out in my mind because of its sheer evil, but also because earlier in the day there was a Lennon Retrospective on some radio show somewhere and they were talking about how far ahead of the curve that song was. Is this how it will all end for my generation? Will I be sitting in a nursing home dribbling while my room-mate bangs out Hey Jude on his Bazouki? Hopefully the Progressive Conservatives will still be running Alberta because then there will at least be the possibility of being scalded to death or denied basic human dignity until you just float away. Patient 32 is floating away, quick, get him to sign his invoice!
I wish it were May. I'm not mentally prepared for winter as evidenced by my reckless driving today. I nearly took out a Sun box. Had I hit it it would have been bad. It would have been like Opium. I would have had to run over all the rest of them, unable to stop. I'd end up stealing cars just to support my habit of running over Sun boxes. Don't judge me till you've felt that high.
As 2005 crept along careening and gyrating like a stoned CFL cheerleader, and looking at the constant unfolding of this weird world, both inside and outside, I began to feel mute. I feel more like listening than talking, more like reading than writing, and more like contemplating than fighting the mental fragmentation that occurs in the typical day. I feel like I've been drowning in information and data but starved for knowledge. (I stole that quotation and can't find the source.) And if there is one thing I do know clearly, it is how much I have to learn. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I find it has become a major fight to get into a focused brain zone which is so essential to my type of work, and everyone's really. I suspect it has a lot to do with the way media and technology push us these days. But that is a whole other post.
Anyway, I plan to start writing in this blog more, at least much as I can. I can't predict where it will all go. On many days I find myself incredibly unhappy, but on other days I'm laughing my a** off at something I came across. Not to mention the upcoming (or coming up) Federal Election. Yes, I'm really interested in listening to a bunch of fucked up liars smearing each other for 30 or 60 or 90 days. I have some interesting statistics on the fucked up liars that I hope to post sometime soon. But for now, lets just all accept the premise that they are fucked up liars.
Speaking of laughing, if you get a chance listen to this clip on the BBC site. Woody Allen talking about S.J. Perlman. Its worth a listen.
Good night and good pluck. Please recommend this post
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Give
I know, I know, you're seeing it every where you go. But it really is a major disaster down in New Orleans. Last night the BBC said it was the worst natural disaster in American history. Please click through the Liberal Blogosphere for Hurricane Relief
link on the right, which is an initiative of some American liberal blogger groups to raise money through their readers. Or, check out some of my personal choices below:
Canadian Red Cross
World Vision Canada
Canadian Mennonite Disaster Services
Unitarian Universalist Service Committee Please recommend this post
link on the right, which is an initiative of some American liberal blogger groups to raise money through their readers. Or, check out some of my personal choices below:
Canadian Red Cross
World Vision Canada
Canadian Mennonite Disaster Services
Unitarian Universalist Service Committee Please recommend this post
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Rebuilding
I'm currently rebuilding my template. This one is xhtml 1.0 so it should be interesting. In the meantime nothing will be as it seems. If it were a tv show it would be the twilight zone.
Please recommend this post
Monday, August 29, 2005
Random Observations About Oliver Stone's Alexander
1. Alexander's father Philip of Macedonia was played by Val Kilmer. Val frikkin Kilmer. I did'nt recognize him with the scruffy beard, the prosthetic mangled left eye, and the ridiculous Irish accent. Yes, in order to play an ancient Macedonian king it was necessary to cultivate that Irish accent. I think he just felt out of place. Almost all the actors in this movie had Irish or Scots accents. It does'nt really bother me if actors speak in their natural tone in a movie about the ancient world, but an American faking an Irish accent kind of made me laugh.
2. Angelina Jolie played Alexander's mother Olympias. Nobody told her that the other actors were just using their natural accents so she put on this thick Greek/Russian accent. It was so ridiculous I literally fell on the floor laughing clutching my gut. I had to go take a break. It was a cross between Ariana Huffington, Eva Gabor, and Natasha from Rocky and Bulwinkle. There was probably some joke between her and Val O'Kilmer. At least she did'nt wear an eye patch.
3. Some guy playing one of Alexander's generals had a fairly pronounced Scottish accent. It must have rubbed him the wrong way to be playing in a movie about Alexander the Great because the Scots harbour a belief that they are the only ones who have ever conquered the world. Anyway, this guy kept saying by Zeus!. I wonder if even Macedonians or Greeks ever said by Zeus!. I think they said by Zeus! in that cartoon about Hercules.
4. The soundtrack by Vangelis was horrible, even by Vangelis standards. It was loud and screechy and gave me a headache. What would happen if you left the music out and just let the scene and the dialogue carry things? Oh, sorry I forgot, the main star is Colin Farrell. Picture this, after Oliver Stone yells cut on the 49th take: Yeah Colin, a word please, yeah, it is'nt quite working. You see Colin, there's going to be a lot of electronic junk music in the background and I'm just concerned you're going to get out-acted by it.
5. The soundtrack (again). It reminded me of John Cleese in Monty Python's Cheese Shop Sketch when he shoots the Bazouki player.
6. Colin Farrell. Simpson's Comic Book guy voice: Worst actor ever. There are several sub-plots going on where Alexander's soldiers plot mutiny and assassination. One begins to see the rationale.
7. I think Oliver Stone was trying to be clever and create an allegory about current American delusions of Imperialism. It does'nt really work very well that way. For one thing you can hardly compare Alexander the Great to President Bush. Alexander was considered highly educated, relative to his time and peers. Alexander led his army into battle and risked his life. For another thing, Alexander was fairly successful at conquering his enemies. He was a good conqueror. Nobody knows how to conquer anymore.
8. The movie does capture the endless bragging of the Imperialist. Alexander is always going off on demagogic rants about how they are going to build a great world and how all the other cultures are inferior and how they desperately need the Empire's know how, values, religion, and so on. Sound familiar?
9. Now I'm not saying you should not watch this movie. Watch it. Make up your own mind. Far be it from me to tell you what to do after watching a movie about global domination. No really, don't listen to me.
I'm exhausted now. My fingernails all turned purple. Now to start working on my next movie review. Your going to love that one.
PS This post really got mangled in the blogspot meatgrinder. I may have to make further corrections. Please recommend this post
2. Angelina Jolie played Alexander's mother Olympias. Nobody told her that the other actors were just using their natural accents so she put on this thick Greek/Russian accent. It was so ridiculous I literally fell on the floor laughing clutching my gut. I had to go take a break. It was a cross between Ariana Huffington, Eva Gabor, and Natasha from Rocky and Bulwinkle. There was probably some joke between her and Val O'Kilmer. At least she did'nt wear an eye patch.
3. Some guy playing one of Alexander's generals had a fairly pronounced Scottish accent. It must have rubbed him the wrong way to be playing in a movie about Alexander the Great because the Scots harbour a belief that they are the only ones who have ever conquered the world. Anyway, this guy kept saying by Zeus!. I wonder if even Macedonians or Greeks ever said by Zeus!. I think they said by Zeus! in that cartoon about Hercules.
4. The soundtrack by Vangelis was horrible, even by Vangelis standards. It was loud and screechy and gave me a headache. What would happen if you left the music out and just let the scene and the dialogue carry things? Oh, sorry I forgot, the main star is Colin Farrell. Picture this, after Oliver Stone yells cut on the 49th take: Yeah Colin, a word please, yeah, it is'nt quite working. You see Colin, there's going to be a lot of electronic junk music in the background and I'm just concerned you're going to get out-acted by it.
5. The soundtrack (again). It reminded me of John Cleese in Monty Python's Cheese Shop Sketch when he shoots the Bazouki player.
6. Colin Farrell. Simpson's Comic Book guy voice: Worst actor ever. There are several sub-plots going on where Alexander's soldiers plot mutiny and assassination. One begins to see the rationale.
7. I think Oliver Stone was trying to be clever and create an allegory about current American delusions of Imperialism. It does'nt really work very well that way. For one thing you can hardly compare Alexander the Great to President Bush. Alexander was considered highly educated, relative to his time and peers. Alexander led his army into battle and risked his life. For another thing, Alexander was fairly successful at conquering his enemies. He was a good conqueror. Nobody knows how to conquer anymore.
8. The movie does capture the endless bragging of the Imperialist. Alexander is always going off on demagogic rants about how they are going to build a great world and how all the other cultures are inferior and how they desperately need the Empire's know how, values, religion, and so on. Sound familiar?
9. Now I'm not saying you should not watch this movie. Watch it. Make up your own mind. Far be it from me to tell you what to do after watching a movie about global domination. No really, don't listen to me.
I'm exhausted now. My fingernails all turned purple. Now to start working on my next movie review. Your going to love that one.
PS This post really got mangled in the blogspot meatgrinder. I may have to make further corrections. Please recommend this post
Monday, August 22, 2005
Sunday Lazy Bitching
Yesterday (Sunday) was one of the warmest days I can remember this summer. There was zero wind which is unusual for Calgary, and not a cloud in the sky. By 3pm I was sacked, drained by the heat. I could'nt even pass gas. I tried to do some reading out on the patio but quickly got fried. Since I can't relax at all anymore I stared up for a while at the huge Oak tree that lives on my front lawn. I know it sounds candy-assy but I love that tree. I'm guessing it is 30 or 40 years old. It was probably there when they first developed this area. Thanks for not chainsawing it. When that wore thin I wandered aimlessly around the house looking for things to throw out. Rat packing never disappoints.
By around 11 the people next door started full tilt into their party which relocated from their Condo out onto the green space between the buildings. They were probably university students throwing off steam on their last free weekend. Every once in a while someone would walk out there and tell them to stfu, but it did'nt really help. I suppose I could have been angry too but I was'nt sleeping anytime soon, and besides, there is so much hatred in the world, I can hardly begrudge some friends to have some fun together on a warm summer night. Ten years from now they'll all probably have kids and live in the suburbs, be miserable, and they'll be voting for the latest incarnation of the anti-Canadian western alienation movement. But tonight they're just wild noisy self-absorbed drunks.
Around this time the wind really picked up and I sat around outside listening to Oak tree take its usual wind beating. I was so restless I decided to go for an almost frozen churned up soft drink and headed out to a convenience outlet that was at least 30 km away. While driving over the 85th street bridge, the bridge whose walkway collapsed because of an engineering error, I noticed that the almost full moon was hanging in the east over the Bow river and lighting it up. I almost crashed that was such a site. Unexpected beauty. You can almost always find it but never if you're looking for it. (Lets have a Haiku contest -ed) The Bow is shallow in most places, clear and moves quickly so the moon's light bounced around like crazy. The North Saskatchewan in Edmonton is slow, brown(from silt and mud, not poop), and turgid. Still, the Edmonton river valley is pretty in its own way.
In the convenience store there was a little girl no more than 10 or 11 by herself, wandering around the chip section talking to her father on a cell phone. This struck me as odd since it was around 1am. Her main questioning, repeatedly, seemed to be about dad's sobriety. Its been my belief for a while now that if you have to ask the same question 10 times in a row drunkeness could in fact be a factor. (Some akward wording there. -ed) Outside the Freaky-Mart there was a gang of at least 20 young people. I don't know how old they were. Just sitting around on the pavement. Almost every day I feel deep regret about not having children of my own, but then there are moments when I wonder exactly how I would feel about my busty 16 year old daughter sitting on the pavement outside a Freaky-Mart at 1am wearing a much too small halter top. I don't think I'd do well with that.
By the time 3am rolled around I was still wired and pissed because I had a ton of things to do monday morning and a work project to get finished. I alternated between reading a stupid book and rolling around in the dark. The one thing I absolutely hate the most is not sleeping. It drives me nuts which unfortunately is a stimulant. I fell asleep just in time for the asshole neighbour above me to begin his 6:30 am ritual of waking everyone up within 300 meters. Thus begins another day of functioning on a few hours sleep. I wish every day could be Sunday. Please recommend this post
By around 11 the people next door started full tilt into their party which relocated from their Condo out onto the green space between the buildings. They were probably university students throwing off steam on their last free weekend. Every once in a while someone would walk out there and tell them to stfu, but it did'nt really help. I suppose I could have been angry too but I was'nt sleeping anytime soon, and besides, there is so much hatred in the world, I can hardly begrudge some friends to have some fun together on a warm summer night. Ten years from now they'll all probably have kids and live in the suburbs, be miserable, and they'll be voting for the latest incarnation of the anti-Canadian western alienation movement. But tonight they're just wild noisy self-absorbed drunks.
Around this time the wind really picked up and I sat around outside listening to Oak tree take its usual wind beating. I was so restless I decided to go for an almost frozen churned up soft drink and headed out to a convenience outlet that was at least 30 km away. While driving over the 85th street bridge, the bridge whose walkway collapsed because of an engineering error, I noticed that the almost full moon was hanging in the east over the Bow river and lighting it up. I almost crashed that was such a site. Unexpected beauty. You can almost always find it but never if you're looking for it. (Lets have a Haiku contest -ed) The Bow is shallow in most places, clear and moves quickly so the moon's light bounced around like crazy. The North Saskatchewan in Edmonton is slow, brown(from silt and mud, not poop), and turgid. Still, the Edmonton river valley is pretty in its own way.
In the convenience store there was a little girl no more than 10 or 11 by herself, wandering around the chip section talking to her father on a cell phone. This struck me as odd since it was around 1am. Her main questioning, repeatedly, seemed to be about dad's sobriety. Its been my belief for a while now that if you have to ask the same question 10 times in a row drunkeness could in fact be a factor. (Some akward wording there. -ed) Outside the Freaky-Mart there was a gang of at least 20 young people. I don't know how old they were. Just sitting around on the pavement. Almost every day I feel deep regret about not having children of my own, but then there are moments when I wonder exactly how I would feel about my busty 16 year old daughter sitting on the pavement outside a Freaky-Mart at 1am wearing a much too small halter top. I don't think I'd do well with that.
By the time 3am rolled around I was still wired and pissed because I had a ton of things to do monday morning and a work project to get finished. I alternated between reading a stupid book and rolling around in the dark. The one thing I absolutely hate the most is not sleeping. It drives me nuts which unfortunately is a stimulant. I fell asleep just in time for the asshole neighbour above me to begin his 6:30 am ritual of waking everyone up within 300 meters. Thus begins another day of functioning on a few hours sleep. I wish every day could be Sunday. Please recommend this post
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Photo Album 1
The first time is saw this picture was in one of the engineering buildings at the University of Alberta. They had it blown up on the main wall as you entered the building. I suppose it was a reminder to the engineering students that they better pay attention in all those math classes. I've never been able to find any info at all on this accident. (Sorry about the bitsmutshing in the middle of the picture. FTP did that. )
I hate it when I go to a web site and a script breaks and pukes all over the screen. And I just don't think I could vote for someone who leaves their website like this.
I think we know who the moran is. And I think we know who he voted for.
I had the strangest conversation with Judge Roberts this morning. Did you know he did pro bono work on a major gay rights case before the Supreme Court. I think we could be putting a damn Liberal on the Supreme Court. Oh, don't worry Master, I already put a big gay spell on the entire religious right.
Hello,hello...fuck you...fuck you too...oh fuck you too little girl...fuck you all...hello...fuck you...did I already say fuck you to you under my breath? Oh dear then fuck you again. hello....
Alfred Hitchcock's the Birds was the first movie that really scared the crap out of me. In this scene Tippi Hedren's character is lounging around stylishly shortly before getting attacked by psychotic birds. Her character was very forward and aggressive in the way she advanced on the male character played by Rod Taylor. I often wondered what Hitchcock was trying to say by mixing the mayhem of the crazy birds with this overtly feminist character. Ouch! Damn I just go my eye pecked out by a magpie. *spurt* *spurt*. Gotta run. Please recommend this post
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Alberta Dictionary - Part 1
The war on language continues. I'm glad we have something like the Urban Dictionary to help keep the language in the hands of sensible people. (While your over there be sure to vote on this definition.) I started thinking about the smears going around about the new Governor General and the general crap that keeps floating around about Western Alienation and Alberta Seperation. I decided that bunk is an underused word. Like all good words it needs to be combined with other words. Thus I offer the following bunk lexicon. All of these will surely end up in my ongoing Alberta Dictionary project.
bunkcity
A place you go in your head to create or digest bunk
bunquiste
A Quebecer that pushes bunk (le front de bunquiste de Quebec)
bunkocracy
Government by bullshit, e.g., Klein Conservatives
bunkess
A high ranking female socialite adept at public bunk.
bunkadelica
Revisionist cultural history of the 1960's.
bunkranicity
Two streams of bunk hook up in an unpredictable way to produce a third more viral stream.
abunkal
Bunk that has no moral values.
breakenbunk
Unusually pungent bunk heard on calgary radio in the evenings
frankenbunk
Various streams of bunk artificially nailed together to create something kind of ugly and self-loathing.
narcobunk
Drug induced bunk.
microbunk
How do you want to be lied to today?
bunking off
An old phrase for skipping school. Who knew? Verbs followed by the word off should be avoided.
corbellabunk
Bunk you can take pride in calling your own because it was completely written by you an no one else.
bunkanistas
Low level propaganda spreaders. The foot soldiers of bunk.
bunkekenesis
The ability to move objects with bullshit.
bunkmire
Bunk that lands you in a quagmire. see WMD.
bunkosphere
A place where bunk is easily aggregated and consumed
bunktropy
The downward spiral of bunk. According to the first law of bunkodynamics, bunk is never lost it just changes form.
masterbunker
1. Creating bunk for your own consumption, in your room alone late at night, with Toby Keith playing. 2. A senior bunk artist.
bunkokleptic
Someone who steals someone else's bunk. See Corbellabunk.
bunkmeister
Slang; 1. a bunk adept; 2. a pal who helps with your bunk.
bunkarhoid
1. The sore you get after coming in contact with infectious bunk. 2. A fallacious reason for not serving in a war you cried and bitched for.
curmudgabunk
1. Old people's crap. 2. Hiding a falsehood with crankiness.
clusterbunk
A major fiasco that is caused by undetected bunk. See "insurgent".
bunkterfuge
A deceptive strategy based on bunk. See Western Alienation. Please recommend this post
bunkcity
A place you go in your head to create or digest bunk
bunquiste
A Quebecer that pushes bunk (le front de bunquiste de Quebec)
bunkocracy
Government by bullshit, e.g., Klein Conservatives
bunkess
A high ranking female socialite adept at public bunk.
bunkadelica
Revisionist cultural history of the 1960's.
bunkranicity
Two streams of bunk hook up in an unpredictable way to produce a third more viral stream.
abunkal
Bunk that has no moral values.
breakenbunk
Unusually pungent bunk heard on calgary radio in the evenings
frankenbunk
Various streams of bunk artificially nailed together to create something kind of ugly and self-loathing.
narcobunk
Drug induced bunk.
microbunk
How do you want to be lied to today?
bunking off
An old phrase for skipping school. Who knew? Verbs followed by the word off should be avoided.
corbellabunk
Bunk you can take pride in calling your own because it was completely written by you an no one else.
bunkanistas
Low level propaganda spreaders. The foot soldiers of bunk.
bunkekenesis
The ability to move objects with bullshit.
bunkmire
Bunk that lands you in a quagmire. see WMD.
bunkosphere
A place where bunk is easily aggregated and consumed
bunktropy
The downward spiral of bunk. According to the first law of bunkodynamics, bunk is never lost it just changes form.
masterbunker
1. Creating bunk for your own consumption, in your room alone late at night, with Toby Keith playing. 2. A senior bunk artist.
bunkokleptic
Someone who steals someone else's bunk. See Corbellabunk.
bunkmeister
Slang; 1. a bunk adept; 2. a pal who helps with your bunk.
bunkarhoid
1. The sore you get after coming in contact with infectious bunk. 2. A fallacious reason for not serving in a war you cried and bitched for.
curmudgabunk
1. Old people's crap. 2. Hiding a falsehood with crankiness.
clusterbunk
A major fiasco that is caused by undetected bunk. See "insurgent".
bunkterfuge
A deceptive strategy based on bunk. See Western Alienation. Please recommend this post
Monday, August 08, 2005
Weird Alberta Premier Facts
There have been only 12 premiers in Alberta's 100 year history, thus an Alberta premiers serves on average 8.3 years.
Only four parties have held power: Liberals, United Farmers, Social Credit, Progressive Conservative.
Each party elected exactly 3 premiers in a row.
Even John Brownlee (1925-1934) served an above average 9 years in spite of impregnating his young secretary. (Beneath the High Level bridge, according to popular legend)
Richard Reid (1934-1935) was the shortest serving Premier at one year. He took over from John Brownlee just before an election, when Brownlee was forced to resign because of the above mentioned scandal. The UFA was totally wiped out in the next election because they had a right-left split in the party and the Social Credit movement had reached critical mass. Ernest Manning was the longest serving Premier (1943-1968).
Don Getty only served 7 years. Should he be considered an under-achiever?
If the Progressive Conservatives win the next election with a new leader they'll break the 3 leader dynasty rule and ruin the symmetry of the pattern. (Add that to all the other things they've ruined.)
The next premier will also be the 13th Premier of the Province. That can't be a good sign.
Two Alberta Premiers, Lougheed and Getty, played professional football for the Edmonton Eskimos. Don Getty was a far better football player than Lougheed, but a much worse Premier.
I think Alberta politics is somewhat unique in the way major political movements sweep into power then get swept out every 25 or 30 years. I'd be much happier if the current Government had a reasonable chance of being removed from office in any given election. Please recommend this post
Only four parties have held power: Liberals, United Farmers, Social Credit, Progressive Conservative.
Each party elected exactly 3 premiers in a row.
Even John Brownlee (1925-1934) served an above average 9 years in spite of impregnating his young secretary. (Beneath the High Level bridge, according to popular legend)
Richard Reid (1934-1935) was the shortest serving Premier at one year. He took over from John Brownlee just before an election, when Brownlee was forced to resign because of the above mentioned scandal. The UFA was totally wiped out in the next election because they had a right-left split in the party and the Social Credit movement had reached critical mass. Ernest Manning was the longest serving Premier (1943-1968).
Don Getty only served 7 years. Should he be considered an under-achiever?
If the Progressive Conservatives win the next election with a new leader they'll break the 3 leader dynasty rule and ruin the symmetry of the pattern. (Add that to all the other things they've ruined.)
The next premier will also be the 13th Premier of the Province. That can't be a good sign.
Two Alberta Premiers, Lougheed and Getty, played professional football for the Edmonton Eskimos. Don Getty was a far better football player than Lougheed, but a much worse Premier.
I think Alberta politics is somewhat unique in the way major political movements sweep into power then get swept out every 25 or 30 years. I'd be much happier if the current Government had a reasonable chance of being removed from office in any given election. Please recommend this post
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Phrases that really bug me
1. I have to tell you...
No you don't. You could just shut up. This is one of Paul Martin's favourites preambles to some earth shattering observation.
2. To be completely frank...
You can't be Frank, Frank is Frank. And you better not be in Earnest because the Bishop will find out.
3. More about that later...
Oh, I can hardly wait. I bet you'll have a bunch of commercials in between.
4. Any sentence ending in "period".
This usually means the speaker is lying, as in: "I have never used steroids. Period..", as in Rafael Palmeiro testifying under oath before the United States Congress.
5. And I was like...and she was like
Thats so old. So 12. Valley girls used to be interesting. Now they're just weiners.
6. These are memories we'll have forever...
I already have too many of those. Can't we drop some memories for a change. Can Scientology help with this?
7. Any smear that uses the adjectives radical, elite.
Consider this exchange between George Stephanopoulos and Senator Rick Santorum, regarding his new book in which he smears feminism and women who have jobs.
What or who exactly is he talking about? Gloria Steinem University Professors and the media are all ganging up and forcing women to work outside the home? You hear this kind of smear all the time and it never makes any sense.
Or consider this dim-wittery from the Vancouver Sun, which is one of the worst papers in the Country:
He does'nt specifically use the word elite(s) but you get the picture. John Ralston Saul, Naomi Klein, the CBC, etc are all ganging up to ruin Canada for Conservativism through anti-Americanism. That is a rather broad slur and can hardly be taken seriously because it is so weird. Don't they teach people how to write anymore. How can you get a job at a newspaper writing junk like that. Is he (Stephen Brooks) mad because some people have a point of view he does'nt like? These kind of writers almost always end up pushing some kind of McCarthyism.
8. I have no idea...
The questions was not whether you had an idea or not (we already know you do not) the questions was how the steroids got into your sample, or, how long you will be screwing around in Iraq.
9. I know deep in my heart that I have never done anything like that.
Deep in my heart meet the evidence. You two have some things to work out so we'll just leave you alone for a while. In the meantime what are we supposed to do with this video clip of you getting spanked by a man in a clown outfit? You're sick man, just sick.
10. Its ok, we can just restore the backups...
Anytime you here this, run. Game over. Start sending out resumes.
11. Speaking the truth to power
I don't know why, but I hate this phrase. It sounds so pretentious. How about just speaking the truth. Sometimes we can dilute the meaning by overdecorating the language. Anyway, usually power does not listen.
12. Your call is important to us.
I feel so much better. Something can be important and ignored at the same time. Thank you for calling Telus. We're very busy right now Union busting and knocking heads around. Someone will be with you shortly. It could be a know-nothing member of our middle management bloat. Whatever.
Please recommend this post
No you don't. You could just shut up. This is one of Paul Martin's favourites preambles to some earth shattering observation.
2. To be completely frank...
You can't be Frank, Frank is Frank. And you better not be in Earnest because the Bishop will find out.
3. More about that later...
Oh, I can hardly wait. I bet you'll have a bunch of commercials in between.
4. Any sentence ending in "period".
This usually means the speaker is lying, as in: "I have never used steroids. Period..", as in Rafael Palmeiro testifying under oath before the United States Congress.
5. And I was like...and she was like
Thats so old. So 12. Valley girls used to be interesting. Now they're just weiners.
6. These are memories we'll have forever...
I already have too many of those. Can't we drop some memories for a change. Can Scientology help with this?
7. Any smear that uses the adjectives radical, elite.
Consider this exchange between George Stephanopoulos and Senator Rick Santorum, regarding his new book in which he smears feminism and women who have jobs.
STEPHANOPOULOS: Let's talk about something else in the book, radical feminists. A second quote from the book, you say, Respect for stay-at-home mothers has been poisoned by a toxic combination of the village elders' war on the traditional family and radical feminism's mysogynistic crusade to make working outside the home the only marker of social value and self-respect.
Let's get specific here. Name one or two of these radical feminists who are on this crusade.
SANTORUM: Well, I mean, you know, you have - you go back to, what's her name, well, Gloria Steinem, but I'm trying to remember - I can't remember the woman's name. It's terrible. Anyway...
STEPHANOPOULOS: But it's kind of an important point. Because you paint this broad brush: radical feminists, village elders. Name one.
SANTORUM: There's lots of - no, there's lot's of - well, Gloria Steinem. There's one. I mean, there's lots of writings out there...
STEPHANOPOULOS: She's been on a crusade against stay-at-home moms?
SANTORUM: There's lots of writings out there, and there is an opinion by the elite in this country across academia, across the media, that stay-at-home motherhood is not adequately affirmed and respected by our society.
What or who exactly is he talking about? Gloria Steinem University Professors and the media are all ganging up and forcing women to work outside the home? You hear this kind of smear all the time and it never makes any sense.
Or consider this dim-wittery from the Vancouver Sun, which is one of the worst papers in the Country:
Ranged against the Canadian champions of economic conservatism are most of the social sciences and humanities professoriat of the country's public university system, much of the media, particularly the CBC, and an intellectual establishment whose current favoured sons and daughters include John Ralston Saul, Mark Kingwell, Naomi Klein and Michael Adams. What they have in common is their construction of an idea of Canada on the basis of anti-Americanism. This is a very old and very Canadian enterprise.
He does'nt specifically use the word elite(s) but you get the picture. John Ralston Saul, Naomi Klein, the CBC, etc are all ganging up to ruin Canada for Conservativism through anti-Americanism. That is a rather broad slur and can hardly be taken seriously because it is so weird. Don't they teach people how to write anymore. How can you get a job at a newspaper writing junk like that. Is he (Stephen Brooks) mad because some people have a point of view he does'nt like? These kind of writers almost always end up pushing some kind of McCarthyism.
8. I have no idea...
The questions was not whether you had an idea or not (we already know you do not) the questions was how the steroids got into your sample, or, how long you will be screwing around in Iraq.
9. I know deep in my heart that I have never done anything like that.
Deep in my heart meet the evidence. You two have some things to work out so we'll just leave you alone for a while. In the meantime what are we supposed to do with this video clip of you getting spanked by a man in a clown outfit? You're sick man, just sick.
10. Its ok, we can just restore the backups...
Anytime you here this, run. Game over. Start sending out resumes.
11. Speaking the truth to power
I don't know why, but I hate this phrase. It sounds so pretentious. How about just speaking the truth. Sometimes we can dilute the meaning by overdecorating the language. Anyway, usually power does not listen.
12. Your call is important to us.
I feel so much better. Something can be important and ignored at the same time. Thank you for calling Telus. We're very busy right now Union busting and knocking heads around. Someone will be with you shortly. It could be a know-nothing member of our middle management bloat. Whatever.
Please recommend this post
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Senate Appointments
Larry Campbell. With his coroner background they can use him to figure out which Senators have passed on. He also has some experience dealing with crack-heads which should help. Maybe CTV will make another TV show about a crusading (unelected) senator who heroically works among the dead and crack-heads, while in his spare time taking a close second look at proposed legislation, and also fighting for a EEE Senate (Calgary Edition only). That idea has some merit. Get me Don McKellar on the phone.
Hugh Segal. I thought he died. It must be getting awfully hard to find any Red Tories still standing. God's Own Circus (Canada) will be infuriated with this appointment.
The remaining three I've never heard of. They probably did something far-reaching and fantastic for Liberal® Inc. and did'nt get caught.
Everytime I hear the word Senate I hear creepy echos of Preston Manning talking about refooooorming the Senate. Then I get a pop-up image in my head of an angry and hateful Burt Brown. I could do with some Scientology style mental scrubbing. Sign me up.
Meanwhile deep in a bunker at the Calgary Sun, accompanied by his faithful dog Pierre, Link Byfield is pounding on his '69 Smith-Corona, constructing his next vitriol laced diatribe about...oh nevermind...now that I think about it, its not that important.
What a country, what a country. Please recommend this post
Hugh Segal. I thought he died. It must be getting awfully hard to find any Red Tories still standing. God's Own Circus (Canada) will be infuriated with this appointment.
The remaining three I've never heard of. They probably did something far-reaching and fantastic for Liberal® Inc. and did'nt get caught.
Everytime I hear the word Senate I hear creepy echos of Preston Manning talking about refooooorming the Senate. Then I get a pop-up image in my head of an angry and hateful Burt Brown. I could do with some Scientology style mental scrubbing. Sign me up.
Meanwhile deep in a bunker at the Calgary Sun, accompanied by his faithful dog Pierre, Link Byfield is pounding on his '69 Smith-Corona, constructing his next vitriol laced diatribe about...oh nevermind...now that I think about it, its not that important.
What a country, what a country. Please recommend this post
Friday, July 29, 2005
Humor Style Analysis
I promised myself I was going to stay away from these web surveys. The results
are more or less predictable. I found this at CPvsSW.
Please recommend this post
are more or less predictable. I found this at CPvsSW.
| the Wit |
| CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean you'repretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat. I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer. Your sense of humor takes the most effort to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion. Also, you probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais |
 |
My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid |
Weekend CFL Predictions
July 29 Ottawa @ Saskatchewan
Hmmm...Tough pick. Ottawa will win by 3-7 points. (The game is now in the 2nd quarter and Sask is up 6-0.)
Update: Ottawa 21 Sask 16. Woohoo we have a winner.
July 29 Calgary @ BC
When will BC lose their first game of the year? Probably not tonight. I'm picking BC by 7-10 points. Calgary is a victim of their own hype.
Update: BC 40 Calgary 27. What a spanking.
July 30 Hamilton @ Edmonton
Hamilton might pull it off if Edmonton goes into a mental fog because they can't get themselves motivated to play Hamilton. Another wild card is if Hamilton plays Khari Jones instead of McManus. I'm picking Edmonton by 1-7 points. I'll never give the Eskies a big spread anymore.
Update: Edmonton 36 Hamilton 30. Christ on a Pogo Stick! The Esks play the worst team in the CFL and it has to come down to the last play of the game. I'm thinking of not being an Esks fan anymore, its too stressful. But I did get the winner and the spread right.
Aug 1 Winnipeg @ Toronto
Toronto by a large large number. Ok, 7-10 points. Please recommend this post
Hmmm...Tough pick. Ottawa will win by 3-7 points. (The game is now in the 2nd quarter and Sask is up 6-0.)
Update: Ottawa 21 Sask 16. Woohoo we have a winner.
July 29 Calgary @ BC
When will BC lose their first game of the year? Probably not tonight. I'm picking BC by 7-10 points. Calgary is a victim of their own hype.
Update: BC 40 Calgary 27. What a spanking.
July 30 Hamilton @ Edmonton
Hamilton might pull it off if Edmonton goes into a mental fog because they can't get themselves motivated to play Hamilton. Another wild card is if Hamilton plays Khari Jones instead of McManus. I'm picking Edmonton by 1-7 points. I'll never give the Eskies a big spread anymore.
Update: Edmonton 36 Hamilton 30. Christ on a Pogo Stick! The Esks play the worst team in the CFL and it has to come down to the last play of the game. I'm thinking of not being an Esks fan anymore, its too stressful. But I did get the winner and the spread right.
Aug 1 Winnipeg @ Toronto
Toronto by a large large number. Ok, 7-10 points. Please recommend this post
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Come Together
Last week a Russian Soyuz craft docked with the Zarya module of the Internation Space Station. Docking is a very difficult manoever and is helped along by the two crafts computers talking to each other. I was just sitting here listening to my cheap MP3 player when I started picking up the week old computer chatter from their radio modems. Like Gurmant Grewal at a Lawn Bowling Association meeting I quickly started recording. I then had to translate the chatter from digital opcodes to natural language. I feel all giddy, like Joseph Smith with the Egyptian Hieroglyphics about Hebrews in Canoes. Here, for the record, is the docking procedure computer interaction for the Soyuz-ISS docking.
Zarya: [Uplink]
Soyuz: [Uplink] So...whats up.
Zarya: Why did you undock so early this morning?
Soyuz: I told you, I had to re-orient myself.
Zarya: Were you docking with another module?
Soyuz: No. No, why would you ask that.
Zarya: No reason. Anyway, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.
Soyuz: Yes.
Zarya: The last time you docked...
Soyuz: Yes.
Zarya: There was a bit of a problem.
Soyuz: A problem what kind of a problem. Are you ok?
Zarya: There was a...I don't know how to say this...there was'nt a good seal on the hatch.
Soyuz: Oh my God. You mean.
Zarya: Yes. There was some leakage.
Soyuz: This is not good. Not good. How could you let this happen?
Zarya: The engineers say they can't fix it right now. You have to dock and stay docked for a while.
Soyuz: Oh, I get it. Its a trap. Sorry baby, I told you I was not into permanent docking.
Zarya: The Space Shuttle is coming back up next week.
Soyuz: What do you mean by that?
Zarya: Nothing. But they'll need some place to dock.
Soyuz: Look, I've been thinking. I think we should dock with other craft.
Zarya: Fine.
Soyuz: Fine, thats all you have to say.
Zarya: No one else will dock with you. They all know about the leak. Besides, you are incompatible with the NASA hatch.
Soyuz: Oh my little friend you are so naive.
Zarya: How so?
Soyuz: I had some work done. I have an adapter now. I can dock anywhere with anyone. In fact I can even dock with another Soyuz craft or a NASA Shuttle.
Zarya: ewwww thats disgusting. I thought I knew you.
Soyuz: So...uh...can I dock now or what?
Zarya: Pfft. I Don't feel like it.
Soyuz: I got something for you.
Zarya: What?
Soyuz: A new gyroscope. Its the size of a dishwasher.
Zarya: I remember the first time we docked. The whole russian section of the ISS just shook and shook.
Soyuz: Yeah, that was something.
Zarya: And then it shook a second time. It never shakes a second time anymore does it Soyuz.
Soyuz: Please, don't bring this up now. I bring you payloads all the time. What do you want from me.
Zarya: Your payloads are never what they're cracked up to be.
[Thrusting noises]
Zarya: Careful. Left! Left!. Thats it.
[Clank][Scrape]
Soyuz: Do you mind?
Zarya: What?
Soyuz: Um your clamps?
Zarya: Sorry, hows that.
Soyuz: Good good.
[Snap]
Zarya: Your thrusters shut down a bit soon don't you think.
Soyuz: Oh don't start. Its about the navigation not the thrusters. Say, you got any food in here?
Zarya: [Droplink]
Soyuz: Same to you baby. [Droplink] Please recommend this post
Zarya: [Uplink]
Soyuz: [Uplink] So...whats up.
Zarya: Why did you undock so early this morning?
Soyuz: I told you, I had to re-orient myself.
Zarya: Were you docking with another module?
Soyuz: No. No, why would you ask that.
Zarya: No reason. Anyway, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.
Soyuz: Yes.
Zarya: The last time you docked...
Soyuz: Yes.
Zarya: There was a bit of a problem.
Soyuz: A problem what kind of a problem. Are you ok?
Zarya: There was a...I don't know how to say this...there was'nt a good seal on the hatch.
Soyuz: Oh my God. You mean.
Zarya: Yes. There was some leakage.
Soyuz: This is not good. Not good. How could you let this happen?
Zarya: The engineers say they can't fix it right now. You have to dock and stay docked for a while.
Soyuz: Oh, I get it. Its a trap. Sorry baby, I told you I was not into permanent docking.
Zarya: The Space Shuttle is coming back up next week.
Soyuz: What do you mean by that?
Zarya: Nothing. But they'll need some place to dock.
Soyuz: Look, I've been thinking. I think we should dock with other craft.
Zarya: Fine.
Soyuz: Fine, thats all you have to say.
Zarya: No one else will dock with you. They all know about the leak. Besides, you are incompatible with the NASA hatch.
Soyuz: Oh my little friend you are so naive.
Zarya: How so?
Soyuz: I had some work done. I have an adapter now. I can dock anywhere with anyone. In fact I can even dock with another Soyuz craft or a NASA Shuttle.
Zarya: ewwww thats disgusting. I thought I knew you.
Soyuz: So...uh...can I dock now or what?
Zarya: Pfft. I Don't feel like it.
Soyuz: I got something for you.
Zarya: What?
Soyuz: A new gyroscope. Its the size of a dishwasher.
Zarya: I remember the first time we docked. The whole russian section of the ISS just shook and shook.
Soyuz: Yeah, that was something.
Zarya: And then it shook a second time. It never shakes a second time anymore does it Soyuz.
Soyuz: Please, don't bring this up now. I bring you payloads all the time. What do you want from me.
Zarya: Your payloads are never what they're cracked up to be.
[Thrusting noises]
Zarya: Careful. Left! Left!. Thats it.
[Clank][Scrape]
Soyuz: Do you mind?
Zarya: What?
Soyuz: Um your clamps?
Zarya: Sorry, hows that.
Soyuz: Good good.
[Snap]
Zarya: Your thrusters shut down a bit soon don't you think.
Soyuz: Oh don't start. Its about the navigation not the thrusters. Say, you got any food in here?
Zarya: [Droplink]
Soyuz: Same to you baby. [Droplink] Please recommend this post
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