Dear Dr. Rice, Secretary of State,
I am writing to you about our colleague Ambassador Cellucci. Just between you and me I think he's been over the edge a bit lately. Mad cow, softwood lumber, missile defense, Iraq - all these issues seem to have taken a toll on our mutual friend. Lately he looks haggard and defensive. He has those deep bags under his eyes that come from knowing the truth but not being able to get the heathen to understand it.
I heard he was leaving his post shortly and I hope you can help him find a more suitable job in a think tank somewhere. Do you have a replacement in mind yet? Mr. Cellucci would be kind of hard to replace but I have an idea for you to consider that I think would work out really well for both of us. (BTW: I was disappointed to hear that Mr. Wolfowitz is now unavailable for this post. )
My idea is that you appoint our loyal opposition, the Conservative Reform Alliance caucus, as the collective U.S. Ambassador. You will not find a more loyal group to carry out your President's agenda with respect to Canadian relations. Think of it: 70 full time eyes and ears constantly on the look out for any kind of anti-American thought or action. You would be well served by these loyal patriots. And I also know they would carry on this important work for free.
This would also save our loyal opposition leader, Mr. Harper, and his Deputy, Mr. Day, the trouble of having to run to the Washington post to publish their anti-Canadian pro-American op-eds. As the collective Ambassadors, your media and ours would run to them breathlessly and publish every word they utter. Good deal for you. Have you ever read our National Post?
Anyhow, I hope you will give this some serious consideration.
A Canadian Patriot
P.S. I'm so sorry about Dr. Axworthy being so rude to you. I've written a very lengthy letter to David Horowitz about him. With any luck, you should'nt hear from him again.
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