Nicole Kidman in Birth

I just finished watching Nicole Kidman in the movie Birth.

It was such a great premise for a story it is too bad they made such a bad movie. Nicole Kidman plays a woman named Anna who is still in grief over the sudden death of her husband 10 years ago. The opening scenes sets this up in kind of a heavyhanded way. A ten year old boy shows up at her house in the middle of a dinner party and explains that he is the reincarnation of the dead husband. The rest of the movie is just about resolving that dilemma with a lot of bad acting and an intolerable script.

There was one scene where Anna and her family were sitting around the dinner table after the boy has explained to Anna that he is her dead husband. Everyone starts giggling. It seemed strangely out of tone. I mean a little boy walks into your house and solemnly explains that he is your dead husband, do you find this funny? My guess is there was some ridiculous dialogue for that scene but the actors just started laughing. Maybe they were working to rule and the director just left it in. That was such a weird scene. In another scene, Anna and her mother (Lauren Bacall) are visiting the hospital because Anna's sister has just had a baby. While looking at the newborn the mother says well maybe that's your dead husband too. It was the funniest line in a tedious movie but I'm guessing it was an ad-lib.

The dialogue was weird and everyone talked in slow motion like they were on heavy doses of Nembutol. I thought they were going for that minimalist Ingmar Bergmann type thing but it just seemed to stupid and self-ridiculing. At one point I realized I was'nt really listening to the dialogue anymore. I found myself interested in Nicole Kidman's subtle australian accent underneath her coached New York accent.

The movie reminded me of Rosemary's Baby, but only in look and feel. This was probably because of Nicole Kidman's short brown hair, her stylish wardrobes, the mysterious expressions on the old people's faces, and a lot of really evocative scenes of New York's Central Park in the fall or winter. The cinematography was the only thing I really liked about the movie. I could easily watch it again with the sound off.

In the end the premise falls apart because of Anne Heche. (How many times have you seen that line in a movie review.) The resolution of the conflict is completely implausible and in the last 15 minutes of the movie the writers and editors were probably going through pure hell wondering if they would ever work again.

Am I wrong to hate this movie? Please recommend this post

10 things on my mind

The longer title: Wherein the blogger lies down on the couch and talks to the imaginary Sigmund Freud.

1. The root cause(s) of Terrorism. None of the offered causes of terrorism really grab me. Lots of people live in poverty with dignity. Lots of people who are terrorists are well educated and well fed. Lots of immigrants fail to integrate into our society without becoming terrorists. Lots of people have low self esteem. And so on. I think terrorists are just run of the mill nihilists. No values, no humanism. Radical Islam embracing Friedrich Nietzsche - now thats absurd. Tony Blair is right in his latest statement. It does'nt matter how you rationalize terrorism there will always be one more excuse. I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I start to sense that an explanation for terrorism is bordering on some kind of appeasement or mitigation.

2. Margarine colors laws. White yellow beige - lets not fight. If Alberta had to make a Margarine color law it would take 15 years. They would have endless studies panels and surveys. Tory hacks would have to be appointed to Panels. Cabinet ministers would have to do extensive research tours of Bangkok and New York. Periodically Klein would announce that he will be announcing a major Margarine color reform plan to be implemented soon. Eventually when they finally come up with a Margarine law, it will having nothing to do with Margarine but your Electric bill triples. The Minister of Margarine will issue periodic hysterics about how the Federal Government has secret plans to ram a Margarine Law down Alberta's throat. Eastern bastards etc. Margarine color is an issue because the dairy producers think people are too stupid too tell the difference between butter and margarine.

3. Anne McLellan's voice. I woke up this morning and she was yelling about terrorism being a possible reality in Canada. I yelled back at the radio, hey, your voice is a terrorist threat before noon, shut the f* up. Then I realized I had my mp3 player on. Smooth. It would be cool if she was in the House and she was yelling at some doofus like, hmmm, I don't know - say Mr. Solberg. He'd be crying in a pair of wet pants and then Mr. Martin would lean over and whisper, hey bibs take it down a notch k? Meanwhile all the dogs and bats are just going nuts. Can you imagine sitting through one of her 3 hour lectures at the U of A on constitutional law? The absurdity factor is very very high. Of course you could have ended up with Laurie Hawn for your MP. Did he really call Jack Layton a Nazi? Some times you can only hope for the lesser absurdity.

4. Applications or Websites that use the phrase searching for updates instead of checking for updates. The term probably came from programmers who use the term searching to mean getting something from a database. The average person does not know that sense of searching so they sit there staring at an hour glass thinking don't these people know where there stuff is... Never let the programmers write the screen messages.

5. Sun media story links. their links are about as stable as Tom Cruise on a liquid multi-vitamin. Do you want us to read your silly crap, then stop moving stuff around. Someone should do a study of what kind of links they lose. Apparently Katie Holmes has bad teeth.

6. Single mothers with children. There is a PSA on Air America Radio that uses this phrase. The problem is an odd and redundant phrase like that is the only thing I remember. I can't remember what the PSA was even about. Do marketing people understand when they make these mistakes that they're burying the wrong message in people's already overloaded brains.

7. CBC Yellowknife started off a story with this opening sentence: A man reported that he saw a wolverine chasing a dog near Rat Lake on Wednesday night. That the best opening line I have ever read for a news story. The best opening line to a novel is from Charles William's War in Heaven: The telephone bell was ringing wildly, but without result, since there was no-one in the room but the corpse. And yes it does get even weirder after that. (Williams was a contemporary of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien.)

8. The Senate just gave final passage to the same sex marriage bill. Tomorrow, and for probably many years to come, the Calgary Sun will make the assertion (on all our behalf) that the approval of gay marriage is a slap in the face to Alberta or the West and that if only we had an elected Senate we could have stopped this depravity. This resentment will be piled on top of all the other Western Alienation bunkness such as the NEP, the imminent Carbon Tax, the communist Wheat Board and criminals walking defiantly among us. Expect bumper stickers.

9. Intelligent design does not make much sense to me (duh). The proponents don't seem to know much about what design means and why things fail. Take bees for example. That was pretty elegant of God to integrate bees into the ecosystem so that they fertilize flowers. Why can't the flowers have sex on their own? Seems like bottom up design. A million lines of Cobol code so to speak. And that stinger thing is a bit of a mis-design don't you think. A self-defense mechanism that kills you is highly useful.

10. Al Pacino as Shylock in Shakespeare's the Merchant of Venice. Whether you like Shakespeare or not this is a must see. Please recommend this post

Best Google finds

It amazes me that I get any traffic at all. Some days I don't even want to know how google gets people here. My best google search hits of the week:

cross dressing in calgary

"tom long" edmonton alberta

cross dressing

free floating anxiety vitamins

and my favourite...

"von ribbentrop" + "wallace simpson"

Do you see the pattern here? Its not pretty. I guess its time to write some more meaningful content. Please recommend this post

Weekend CFL Predictions

Fri Jul 15 Winnipeg @ Edmonton

I'm picking Edmonton by 7 points. not just because i'm an eskies fan but because Winnipeg is so sad. And they're playing in Commonwealth Stadium where Edmonton rarely loses.

Fri Jul 15 Toronto @ BC

Hmmm. Tough one. BC by a field goal or less.

Sat Jul 16 Calgary @ Ottawa

It'll be close, but Ottawa will win by a field goal or less, thus further accelerating the brewing media disaster brought on by the Stampeders bragging for the last 6 months then being mediocre.

Sun Jul 17 Hamilton @ Saskatchewan

Hamilton should call a press conference 10 minutes before the game and forfeit. If not Saskatchewan will be laying a little Western Alienation animus on them. It won't be pretty.

Update - Monday Night: I got all the winning teams correct, but my spreads were way off. Good thing I'm not running a bookie site. Now I have to get back to the Calgary Stampeder's media meltdown.


And one more thing....

GO OILERS GO! Please recommend this post

Fitness and Whatnot

I just completed my first fitness test of the year. Every summer I have to make that first bike ride to the top of Nose Hill Park. I ride up from the 14st side where there is the remnants of an old road. Actually, all thats left are just chunks of cement here and there. Its a tough climb if you're not in shape which apparently I am not.

A quarter of the way up I started feeling a serious oxygen shortage. At that point two older women on single speed bikes went by me and said hello. They must have thought I was being lascivious with all the panting and grunting as response.

I eventually made it to the top and met up with those women a second time. They said hello again and still all I could get out was a wheeze. Those ladies were not even the least bit worked up by their trip up the hill. It was demasculating. (Is that a word?)

At the top of Nose Hill Park is a wide plateau. You can ride around or hike up there forever. Or, you can lie down and cough out a lung.

Next week, we take test 2 of the year. We ride from my house west to Bowness Park and back. There are a couple of wicked hills on the way.

I'm surprised Tom Cruise the well known Psychiatry expert does not mention exercise as an antidote to depression. I don't remember him mentioning it, just the vitamin bunkness. Maybe the Scientologists don't sanction it. He could have really layed into Brooke Shields with that.

Speaking of Tom Cruise, I just heard on the BBC World News that some athlete got stripped of Olympic Medals because it was discovered the athlete was an Hermaphrodite. The athlete was competing in the women's events. (How would you feel if you told that person to go f* themselves.) Why can't an Hermaphrodite compete in either gender's events? If you were an Hermaphrodite which gender class would you want to compete in? Please recommend this post

Cross Dressing for Armageddon

I'm glad that in these screwed up times occasionally photograpers still get the perfect shot. The picture has two levels. On one level it looks totally fascist. Dear leader high up on a stage giving his blessing to the little people. Now go off to war and die for the Fatherland. Someone should tell Bush that he reminds people of Hitler when he does that salute. On another level the picture looks like Bush is wearing a big dress. It is the type of a dress you would see at the Calgary Stampede. (Or Calgary in general) On this level the photographer is saying that the President would make a fine transvestite.

Hilary Clinton was savaged (again) today because she compared President Bush to Alfred E. Newman of Mad Magazine fame. I myself was offended by this. Alfred was one of my childhood icons and I protest him being besmirched in such a comparison. I think Richard M. Nixon would be a much better comparison.

The over-bearing conservative media went nuts of course, and went into Clinton bashing hyper-drive. The things I read today you would not believe. The supreme moral authorities gave two reasons why Clinton's remarks should be censured: 1) You should not criticise the President (and if there is one thing American Conservatives taught us all with the Starr enquiry, it is that you should never insult the President.) 2. You should not criticize the President during a time of war, when he's busy fighting them over there because it is hard work and he has limited concentration. 3. Clinton is a popular liberal woman and a thus a threat and needs to be destroyed. Sorry, thats 3 reasons.

The deal is that the Bush supporters can say what ever they want about people who are considered enemies of the Administration - even to the extent of committing a felony by identifying a covert security agent - but no one can criticize the administration because its a time of war.

Of course no one dares to debate Hillary Clinton on the actual issues she raises: the lack of an effective strategy in Iraq or on Terrorism and the ruining of the American Economy through gross negligence. Its much less work to debate on the fringes about cartoon characters. This is called the Sponge Bob dampening effect. True debate of important issues in the media died a long time ago.

It occurred to me today in a moment of anxiety that the President of the United States has no idea who he is at war with nor what a victory would look like. All of the sudden the comparisons to Orwell's 1984 and perpetual war as a means of social control do not seem so far fetched. The war on Terror will probably end like most of the other American conflicts in the post WW2 era. They will abandon Iraq and Afghanistan leaving a total mess because the American People will tire of supporting war. (Of course there's always the risk of American bankruptcy as well.) But think about it, with this amorphous semantic blob called Terrorism, right wing politicians will be able to get elected for years and years from now just by claiming they are protecting people. The exploitation of fear and the pounding of little countries here and there will go on for ever.

One of Bush's main talking points has always been that fighting terrorists in other countries will pin them down and prevent them from attacking the west. This was a fall back position that was cooked after the WMD rationale did not work out. Its not a particularly bright argument and the attacks in Madrid and London seem to indicate that the terrorist cells in those cities were not all that pinned down. So who exactly is being pinned down and where? Some reporter should ask the President a question like this: Exactly how hard do you have to pound the civilians in Iraq and Afghanistan before you can guarantee that there won't be terrorist attacks in the West? How do you like your chances on that strategy? Please recommend this post

Canada Day Numbers

Number of emails i got about the family dinner on July 1: 31

Number of emails that noted that the dinner would be at the Olive Garden: 2

Number of emails mentioning which Olive Garden: 0

Number of emails mentioning the time of dinner: 0

Number of voice mails encouraging me to be on time: 2

Kilometers between my house in Calgary and the Olive Garden on the QE2 in Edmonton: 277

Time I left for a 3pm dinner: 12:45

Speed the RCMP clocked me at just north of Red Deer: 131km/hr

Amount of speeding ticket RCMP wrote for me: $89

Punitive value relative to the speed limit: $4.23 per kilometer.

Number of sisters who drove by me on the highway while I was being written up: 1

Number of family members who knew I got a speeding ticket before I even got to Edmonton: 19

Minutes late for dinner: 21

Number of times my niece commented that she was taller than me: 7

Number of times I asked my niece how she got fired from Dairy Queen: 7

Number of days same sex marriage has been legal: 4.5

Number of gay weddings I've been invited to: 0

Number of straight weddings I've been invited to: 1

Number of times civilization has collapsed since gay marriage became legal: 0

Number of letters in the local papers that said that legalization of gay marriage was a political rejection of Alberta by Eastern Canada: 3

Number of times I read the Saturday's Globe & Mail's review of William Johnson's book on Stephen Harper: 4

Number of time I had to read out loud the sentence about how Harper is comparable to Trudeau: 3

Number of ounces of Dr. Pepper that came shooting out my nose: 4.3

Number of incidents of man on dog sex reported since gay marriage became legal: 0

Number of weird endorsement letters from Dave Hancock framed and hanging in the lobby of my hotel: 3

Number of alleged assaults on gay men in Edmonton since gay marriage became legal: 2

Number of fumbles by the Calgary Stampeders in their home opener: 5

Number of Minutes to write this post: 33 Please recommend this post

Twitching and Fixating

I have been feeling a little depressed lately. Instead of seeing my doctor, an uninformed quack, I've decided to start working through the writings of L. Ron Hubbard. Just like Katie Holmes, I'm on a journey of discovery. As a new daily ritual, each morning I go down on one knee and pump my fist in the air. Then, I bounce around a bit on the couch. In the afternoon I write nasty letters to Brooke Shields. As far as treating depression goes, you can't do much better than a bit of Hollywood Scientology. I keep telling myself that. But it is hard hard work. Hubbard's novels are so dense.

There was a bit of an akward moment when the same sex marriage law was passed last week. I was not sure that roving bands of unrestricted state sanctioned homosexuals would not ruin my career as a heterosexual with their coercive gay exhibitionism. I visited a male associate this afternoon at his home office. His heterosexual female traditional marriage partner was not around. While discussing business stuff I suddenly became tense with generalized free floating anxiety. (Which should never be treated with harmful pharmaceuticals, only exercise and vitamins.) This was accentuated by an irrational spiky fear that my associate would think I was gay. This caused me to over-compensate by blurting out that his daughter was kind of hot. I imagine it was a creepy thing for a father to hear but now everything is different and we have to declare our orientation whenever possible.

I was driving down Glenmore Trail noting the water level in the reservoir when I suddenly remembered that an American Politician predicted that if gay marriage was tolerated then men would soon start having sex with dogs. The sheer logic of it nearly forced me off the road. So now with all the other things I'm watching for I have to keep an eye out for this as well. That guy was elected by a lot of people so I have to believe he knows a thing or two about social engineering. I was surprised that the CPC did not call this man to testify against the merits of the marriage bill. A man who believes that gay marriage will cause uncontrollable proliferation of man-dog sex would probably be a shining intellectual star compared to the rest of the CPC's gang of special interest hate groups.

Later, I became more despondent and was seriously worried that my Member of Parliament was correct and that our society would now collapse because of the acceptance of gay marriage. More free floating anxiety. I could barely breath. Later I felt better because I remembered that I don't really like our society that much. Why is it a problem if it collapses? Maybe just one part of will collapse, like the institutionalized hatred and bigotry part. Something else will emerge. Hopefully it will be something cool like Terry Gilliam's Brazil or Futurama. I don't much care why the Roman Empire collapsed. It is an interesting historical question though I doubt it has much to do with homosexuality. In any case, they were bastards and they overstayed their welcome. I propose a constitutional amendment banning the citing of the Roman Empire's collapse as a reason not to do something, or that we all start minding or own damn business, whichever is easier. Please recommend this post

Football Is Back

I've seen 2.5 preseason games and I'm confident in my prediction that the Edmonton Eskimos will be this year's winner of the Grey Cup.

If you'd like to sing the Eskimo's team song or download a cheesy mp3 of that song then go here. Please recommend this post

Grewel is So Stupid...

My contribution to Grewelpalooza. I want to accumulate a list of Grewel is so stupid...punch lines. Help me out. Here's a few to start out:

Grewel is so stupid he told Dosanj to meet him on the corner of walk and don't walk.
Grewel is so stupid he stared at an orange juice label all day because it said concentrate.

I know you all can do better. Lets hear them. (Keep it clean)

And when we're done that I want to ask a burning question:

Who's running the Ninabot while Gurmand recuperates at home? Please recommend this post

On Being TKO'd

Mike Tyson (above) was blasted into this career ending position by an unknown boxer. In what is left of his mushy brain he contemplates his future. We like to think that even with the limited bandwith there is a thought somewhere in there along the lines, hmmm, now I know what Robin Givens felt like...

Meanwhile, Mr. Harper has been knocked on his ass as well, by a combination of Gurmant Grewal, Sun Media, and the Order of the Backstabbers of the Common Sense Revolution, the latter a Seniors group from Ontario.

Possible replacements that are being thrown around (wait for the punch line please):

Stockwell Day
Jim Flaherty
Tom Long
Potato Pete

Actually I don't have a punch line, but really do we need one here? The only thing I could think of is an old proverb that is on the tip of my tongue but defies the keyboard....something about a dog eating its own vomit...anyone?

Maybe Mr. Harper will also have a Robin Givens moment as well. From here on in he is going to feel like Preston Manning more and more every day. Please recommend this post

More Important Than Grewalpalooza

Episode #5 of Dog Judo is now out:

http://www.dogjudo.co.uk/ Please recommend this post

Sheep River Disaster

If you drive south and west from Calgary you will see the most spectacular scenery. Turner Valley is a small town in the foothills that lives off the Sheep River. The primary activities in the area are Oil & Gas, Ranching, and Forestry. The picture above is nothing like what the Sheep river looks like now. For the past week Southern Alberta has been pounded by heavy rainstorms causing swollen rivers and flooding. There is now an emerging story about what could prove to be an environmental catastrophe.

The abandoned Turner Valley Gas Plant is owned by the Province and sits on the shore of the Sheep River. The flooding eroded the shore and caused contaminated soil to wash into the river. The soil contains hydrocarbons and heavy metals that have now contaminated the watershed. The town had been trying for some time to get the Province to clean up the site. There was probably no profit motive in doing so. They could not find a Tory friendly company to give a sweetheart deal to. And they also could not pry the money out of their five billion dollar surplus. How much money could it cost to build a retaining wall facing the river? It is not like they have not had high waters here before. It was an accident waiting to happen.

The Province was fairly quick to send their no-name spokesman out to deny that there is a problem. The town is convinced that this is a major concern which prompts the no-name spokesman to refer to them as fearmongers. (Which shows you how elitist and out of touch this Government has become.) No sight of the Environment minister so far. I expect any moment now that the Government will announce that the science around heavy metal toxicity in water is questionable. It is a liberal conspiracy like Global Warming. They have never had a good relationship with science.

Besides, the Tories are very busy right now and should'nt be interupted with mere poisoning. They are planning more tax cuts and continue to work on the public health care plan which has been 12 years in the making. And then there is the ongoing war against homosexuality which I imagine is quite draining. A few years from now when Cancer and Liver problems start showing up in these communities, the Government will deny that it relates. Here's another tax cut, stop yipping about your Liver. You're just a fearmonger.

These days I keep wondering how many more ways this Government will find to screw people. They have never been a Government for the people and never will be. Please recommend this post

Name Change Help

Okay my valued readers, I need your help. I've been thinking for some time about changing the name of this blog to something more meaningful. Five of Five started out a long time ago as a joke based on my being the fifth of five children. It was a cry for help because of the massive abuse inflicted on me merely because I was the youngest. [cue violin] Needless to say it does'nt communicate much.

So far I've been tossing around the following names:

1. tenpenny thunderclap

This was the nickname given to the Scotsman newspaper in the 1800's when it came on the scene as a radical newspaper. Its a bit obscure.

2. northwest rebellion

Alberta was part of the original Northwest and I think we're due for another rebellion. More on that later.

3. the calgary git

I would'nt use this cause its too close to Calgary Grit. I just thought it was funny cause occasionally i get called a GIT.

4. kobayashi maru

People might not get that Star Trek reference. It would make a cool name though.

5. aaaaaaa blog

Only cause it would get me to the top of blog rolls. Cheap trick. Save it for the yellow pages.

6. rippy the gator

Ripped off from the song by the Arrogant Worms:

cause rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Rippy the gator went chomp, chomp, chomp!
Passing the time by ending children’s lives
Down in the bottom of the swamp, swamp, swamp..

Anyway, it has nothing to do with content, but it might be a funny title.

7. cheap throat

An homage to the Nixon era and Mark Felt, Daniel Ellsberg, etc.

8. Leg Humper of the Great White North (LHGWN)

Ok, so its not particularly wholesome imagery. But it does provide some symbolism for writing about canadian society.

9. The Alienationist

Debunking of western alienation anyone?

---


Naturally, your input is appreciated.


Update: Added #9. Fixed blogger.com's retarded translation of special chars. Please recommend this post

Book reading quiz

I've been tagged by Daveberta to complete the following short quiz about my reading habits. It is interesting the way these things spread across the web. At the end I'll leave you with special instructions on how you can participate.

# of Books that I own

Last count about 1000. This summer is the great clear out project. Except the ones I really like.

Last book I bought (not including text books):

The Sweet Hereafter by Russel Banks. I have not seen the movie so don't tell me how it ends. So far it seems like a pretty sad story.

Last books I read:

Fifth Business - Robertson Davies

This is the first of a trilogy that I read a long time ago but have no recollection of ever reading.

MySQL and Perl for the Web

Geek Alert. A well written introduction to using the Perl programming languange with the MySQL database server. Lots of good examples and easy to read. They make is seem soooo easy.

Five Books that mean a lot to me.

1. John Stuart Mill - On Liberty

One of the books that the conservative cultural censors don't want you to read because it talks about freedom and tolerance and other non-conservative values.

2. Martin Fowler - Patterns Of Enterprise Application Architecture

I've read a number of Fowler's books. He has a rare gift of being able to write clearly about technology. This book has a lot of practical knowledge about how complicated applications are put together.

3. Gang of Four - Design Patterns

The book started out as a post-graduate study of how applications are written, but ended up becoming a de facto standard on software design patterns.

4. T.S. Eliot - Collected Poems 1909-1962

My favourite poet. Favourite poem: The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, and The Waste Land.

5. M. Scott Peck - The Road Less Travelled.

This book helped me understand why all of you are so screwed up and why I am just fine.

---
Ok, now your instructions.

1. If you own a blog and have not yet done this survey, consider yourself tagged. Go do it now. I said NOW.
2. If you own a blog and have not yet done this survey, but have to go pick up your wife, go pick up your wife first, then do the survey.
3. If you do not have your own blog, or you have already done the survey, ignore these instructions.
4. If you do not have your own blog, hav not done the survey, but have to pick up your wife, then go pick up your wife. Thats all you have to do.
5. If you don't have a wife and don't have your own blog, don't do anything.
6. If your wife is picking you up, and you have your own blog, wait for your wife first and then update your blog.
7. If your wife is NOT picking you up and you don't have your own blog, then just wait for some more instructions.

Lets see...have I missed any scenarios? Please let me know if I have.



Update: June 10, 2005
I told you Martin Fowler was a good author. Now I'm getting search engine hits on that name. I apologize to anyone looking for real or useful information. Please recommend this post

Letter to the Bishop - Part 2

Dear Bishop Henry,

Although I'm not a Catholic I take a great interest in Catholic social doctrine. I was reading my copy of the Catholic Catechism by Father John Hardon [sic] SJ and he confused me greatly about a particular sensitive issue. I hope you can clarify this part of the catechism for me.

Father Hardon [sic] repeatedly refers to homosexuality and masturbation as sins in the same category of moral seriousness. In fact he often talks about these two sins in the same passage.

He writes:

Catholic moralists have always given due attention to sexual experiences outside of marriage that are called "unnatural," notably masturbation and homosexuality. But their increase in certain affluent cultures has led some people to wonder if, perhaps, they are all that sinful. What can be so wrong about "relieving emotional pressure" or, in the case of homosexuals ,about two men and two women "being in love"?

And further along:

The Church has consistently proscribed homosexuality and masturbation as objectively contrary to the will of God. (ed. - the author provides a footnote: Code of Canon Law, Canon 1248.

By the way, this book has an Imprimatur and Nihil obstat, in case you were wondering, thus it is certified to be free of doctrinal or factual error.

Oh.My.God. We you aware of this? The masturbators are as great a threat to our society as the homosexuals. Surely traditional marriage is harmed by masturbators being granted rights that we know they will inevitably demand.

I for one would like to see you stand up and talk more about this. We need your agressive posturing against the masturbators more than ever. You should organize some rallies on Parliament Hill and a letter writing campaign. This is yet another example of Eastern Big City Liberalism trampling on the values of Albertans. People need to take back their country and the first step is understanding the masturbators are every bit as evil as homosexuals.

I would like to get a few Conservative Catholic Members of Parliament to promote this issue. But not my MP because as we both know he is somewhat compromised on this issue. Have you spoken to him as I suggested? Its a shame too, because we all would love to hear him address Parliament on how masturbation caused the fall of the Roman Empire. We might also get Mr. Klein to say a few words about masturbation and the notwithstanding clause. Remember how desperately he needs your people's votes.

I look forward to you giving equal time to an equal sin. The people need to know about the masturbation agenda and its corrosive effects on our society. Please recommend this post

Friday's Best Bumper Sticker

Friday's Best Bumper sticker, spotted on Shaganappi Trail:

God Bless All the Nations of the World
(No Exceptions)

Nice to see a little contra-jingoism going on out there. Keep up the good work. Please recommend this post

Ten Or So Songs

I never get tired of listening to or writing about music. Here's a cheesy line: the soundtrack of our lives... Use it on someone and see what they say (or do).

Ten or so songs on the digital jukebox, mostly stuff you'll never hear on commercial radio. Assuming you're not listening to Angry Talk Radio Guy Who Thinks You're Stupid.

1. Colin Linden - When The Carnival Ends

Probably his best song.

police dog at the neighbors door, marching up and down the street
keeping us safe from criminals between the ages of 12 and 16
i don't know about you friend, but tonight i sure can't sleep
throwing gasoline on a fire seems like a strange way to keep the peace

2. Jonatha Brooke - Ten Cent Wings

I never used to like her, but now i do. Acquired taste etc.

I will love across the borders, I will wait until it's dark
I will fly and you'll be with me, my wings, your heart
then our memory may fail us and our language will go too

3. Stan Rogers - Northwest Passage. I wonder how many Canadians have heard this song considering Stan Rogers was and is considered one of Canada's most famous Folk Singers. This was his signature song. I like the way he ties Franklin's expedition to his personal life.

Ah, for just one time I would take the Northwest Passage
To find the hand of Franklin reaching for the Beaufort Sea;
Tracing one warm line through a land so wild and savage
And make a Northwest Passage to the sea.

4. Simon & Garfunkel - Mrs. Robinson Although I like the song and the movie that went with it (the Graduate) I blame them for inventing the phrase coo coo ca choo. Nobody needed that.

Here's to you mrs. robinson,
Jesus loves you more than you can know


Even though you're an alcoholic and fooling around with Dustin Hoffman. Jesus is good that way. No, no its good.

5. Sherly Crow - Steve McQueen

Steve McQueen used to drag race his custom Jaguar in the Hollywood Hills. Supposedly the local Police had a huge reward fund for the first cop that could cite him. No one ever did. That could be an urban legend but its a nice story.

Like Steve McQueen
All I need's a fast machine
And I'm gonna make it all right
Like Steve McQueen
Underneath your radar screen
You'll never catch me tonite

We got rock stars in the White House
And all our pop stars look like porn
All my heroes hit the highway
'Cause they don't hang out here no more

6. Sarah Harmer - Open Window

This is just one of those catchy love songs. Apparently a lot of people are having it sung at their weddings. Poor bastards. I want them to sing Mrs. Robinson at my wedding ceremony. I want to the singer to say, This one's for the mother of the bride...

Our love is a sacred thing
like the mysteries of the night
in the darkness unwavering
and still so strong come the light
Our love is an infinite thing
like the sun's last ray on the sea
as it sets low in the west
and the moon rises

That's really well written and sweet. Poor bastards. No really, nice song.

7. Beatles - Nowhere Man

I miss John Lennon. Was Nowhere man someone they were thinking of, or just an everymannowhereman?

8. Ani Difranco - Sick of Me

A different kind of love song. Maybe better for the 5th anniversary rather than the wedding.

how sick of me must you be by now? while you're standing just outside of
what your pride will allow, always reaching into yourself to find a new way to
understand me. when i'm sure that there's no one else in the world that could
withstand me. yeah, the first person in your life to ever really matter is
saying the last thing that you want to hear. and you are listening hard through
the splintering shards of your life as it shatters. and you're standing firm


9. Natalie Merchant - Break Your Heart

The way things are and the way they've been
Don't spread discontent, don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes with your own life
And don't disrespect yourself, don't lose your pride
And don't think everybody is gonna chose your side

Nice.

10. Mary Lou Lord - Lights Are Changing

The best thing to come out of Boston since Bobby Orr.

Looking through your hollow eyes across the great unknown
Growing greater every second growing harder with each stone
Yeah and you who judge your freedom by the quantity you score
Does it make you any freer if you took a little more
All that summertime I revolved around your eye
In accelerating spirals in an asymmetric sky Please recommend this post

We Got Noticed

A disorganized and sometimes odd Royal Visit to Edmonton Alberta got noticed by the Daily Mail in the UK:

But the royal sparkle was not enough for Canada's award-winning photographer Robert Bray when he took the Queen's portrait. Behind the lens, the VIP snapper shouted to Her Majesty: "Big smile - show some teeth." And then: "Over here - into the camera."
For his unconventional efforts, he was rewarded with a slight glimpse of pearly white. Next up, the Duke of Edinburgh was less co-operative and seemed perplexed by the photographer's manner. The Duke stared straight down the lens, seemingly not amused.

Oh the Duke has pretty teeth dear
And he shows them pearly white...

Then the Duke dived across a table and bit off the photographers ear, screaming is that show some teeth enough for you? Nothing like spectacle with Kurt Weill as the soundtrack.

And the Queen even appeared not to notice Alberta's Premier Ralph Klein with his hands in his pockets while showing her around an Edmonton museum, earlier in the day.

No, Ralph was not showing her around the Museum. Other people were. I doubt Ralph has ever been to a museum. What Ralph was doing was walking in front of the Queen and having his wife yank the back of his suit jacket. Yes he did have his hands in his pockets most of the time. No doubt playing with his balls. And no matter which way he tries to grab his balls they always squish off to the right. Jackass. I digress.

During a walkabout in Edmonton city centre, she encountered a corgi club and a cow.

Journalistic sarcasm at its finest. No one could write a line like that without rolling their eyes and going Holy Christ! A cow. I saw the video. Queen pretended not to notice the cow and walked by to the Corgis. Its really a brief moment in Monarchial history. Kings and Queens have been ignoring the town's prize cow for thousands of years. Its a perogative.

Concluding on this bit of too much information:

She chatted to the dog owners, members of the Pembroke Welsh Corgi Association of Canada, but seemed to avoid the cow in the crowd.

The cow's owners, Tracey and David Morey, from Rochester, north of Edmonton, also brought along a large roll of kitchen towel.

"It's to wipe her (the cow's) butt in case she poops," said Tracey.

Thanks Tracey. Nice they added "the cow's" to clarify the possessive connection to the butt. I wonder how many people really needed that, or more importantly why. The brackets are a nice touch as a visual giggle along the lines of what? did you think we meant the Queen's butt. The palace media courtesans will be in touch with you cheeky monkey. But not before Lord Whatshisface the publisher decides you would make a good correspondent in the Gaza Strip.

Here's the deal Your Majesty: Hopefully you will plan on coming for another visit. We promise by then to have an acceptable leader who does'nt grab his balls and walk in front of you. If we can't live up to that then feel free to send Dame Edna in your place. Please recommend this post

Dennis Miller Canceled

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - CNBC is canceling "Dennis Miller" in an attempt to revive the network's struggling primetime, according to Variety.

"Dennis Miller" will be replaced with a second airing of "Mad Money With Jim Cramer" at 9 p.m. ET.

I think that should be CNBC is FINALLY canceling "Dennis Miller". Not to belabour the point but the replacement is a ninth tier business show in re-runs. How slap in the face is that? Now he can pursue his dream of working along side Jeff Gannon.

Now i don't want to go off on a rant here, but Dennis Miller was about as funny as waking up in Abu Ghraib prison with Cathy Lee Gifford leading you around on a leash while a drunken Donald Rumsfeld reads love poems from the Bhaghavat Gita while Jerry Falwell in a dress tries to organize you and your cellmate Achmed who has'nt had a shower since Clinton was in office into a cross shaped naked pyramid and Rush Limbaugh is bawling in the corner because he can't find his Oxycontin and Toby Keith's greatest hits is playing over the prison loudspeaker over and over and you're starting to feel like Manual Noriega...

Sorry, I got carried away there with run-on-sentence-simile-based-humor.

But wait. If Dennis Miller is'nt funny, and I'm imitating Dennis Miller, then...I cannot be funny either, ipso facto, as they say in Ontario. Thus the blogger walks unwittingly into a swirling noisy vortex [use Stephen Harper hand gestures here] of bad logic collapsing all around him like a Charlie Sheen marriage...

Whoa, it happened again.

What? Did you think I was going to go on about the Belinda is a slut stories. Sorry, I just don't care enough right now. We'll talk tomorrow about that.

Editor's Note: Noriega's first name should have been spelled Manuel not Manual. A Manual Noriega is actually a sex toy, currently the subject of a law suit in Alabama. We apologize for any confusion (or perhaps even discomfort) this typographical error may have caused. Please recommend this post

Various Procedural Thoughts

I made the mistake of reading Parliament's Hansard this past week and watching a few clips. I was especially interested in the non-confidence motion that was or was not a non-confidence motion. Train wrecks can be fascinating. I can see the arguments on both sides as to whether it really meant non-confidence or not. The question might be whether a motion is an expression of non-confidence just because it uses the phrase non-confidence and the man who raises it is extremely angry. When people get dragged out to vote on their summer vacation there will probably be a million more things for them to contemplate other than a procedural fiasco that kept Parliament alive for 9 more days. At some point I invented the term overpunditizationalism® because of the sheer amount of pure bullshit this event caused the MSM to generate.

Harper's tone and body language ended up being more interesting than the technicalities. He simply could not believe that the Government had the audacity to defy his glorious rage. Rage can be a good thing. One of the greatest politics documents ever written is the American Declaration of Independence. The authors were some pissed and signed it with their blood. Canadians don't have a history of political rage or revolution. Our founding documents are somewhat dispassionate to say the least. In Harper's case I don't really understand the purpose of the rage and over the top dramatics. He's beginning to look a lot like his mentor Brian Mulroney, which is to say a sociopath. There are now cameras in the House. The good news is Members do not show up staggering drunk or start fistfights. The bad news is they've all become graduates of the Mel Gibson School of acting.

Harper looked like he was about to levitate, spin his head 360, and start channeling Elmer Gantry. I thought for sure Alien baby was going to pop out of his chest or maybe even an Alsatian with part of its nose missing. (Obscure historical joke.) Although there is a precedent for a Prime Minister to tell another Honorable Member to fuck off Martin did not use it. He is a bit lacking in that respect. Martin is tragically placid, always looking like he's on the receiving end of something. At some point [allegedly] Harper complained to the Governor General that he really wanted and deserved to be obeyed. GG [allegedly] was not impressed because a) the request is out of scope at this time, and; b) Harper and his crowd have made far too many personal attacks on her and her husband. I doubt she would hit the brakes if Harper ran out from behind a parked car.

The Conservative front bench in Parliament looked like a bunch of crack addicts that have not had a fix in a while. The Liberals looked bored and over-confident. This happens when you have been in power for a long time and people refer to you as the Natural Governing Party. I thought a minority position would fix this. The Bloc looks a lot like the Liberals, disinterested but for different reasons. Duceppe wants to go to the polls while the anti-Liberal sentiment in Quebec is at its highest. They consider their personal best to be 50+ of the popular vote in Quebec. I find Duceppe and Harper an odd alliance. The attraction could be that both are regionalists and see little value in Federalism. (Or, if you prefer, Fedoralalalaism.) One wants a firewall, the other a country. Some days I'm not sure which is which. It is interesting that the Western Conservative Base (which is the Majority of the CPC) spent the last 15 or so years giving constant verbal abuse towards francophone Quebecois but now finds them politically convenient. It's the weirdest thing to watch.

I don't know who's giving Martin his strategic advice these days but it does not seem all that coherent. Does he think he is Mackenzie King: Non-confidence if necessary, but not necessarily non-confidence. Martin could have resigned on the procedural motion thus setting a precedent that Stephen Harper and his Media Whores would have a hard time arguing against, when inevitably it would be used on them. Harper would have had to assume the blame for a summer election and the budget being tossed. Maybe, Harper then still wins a minority government. The Liberals create a procedural motion about how the carpets in the foyer need cleaning, and voila, non-confidence. You could call it the Harper Precedent.

Years from now students will be forced to learn about the Harper Affair of 2005. A few of them will be interested but mostly they'll have spittle dribbling out of their mouths while they try to keep their eyes open. Revisionism will abound. Someone will recall how just before the vote, in the skies above Parliament, Cheryl Gallant flew around on a broom and spelled out the words Surrender Parliament to Jesus in big black letters. Other historians will claim there was a great people's democratic movement that took to the streets against the mafia controlled Liberal dictators and the stupid people of Ontario.

Thursday's vote on the budget will not come quickly enough for me. There's nothing like looking forward to an event that can have no good outcome. Please recommend this post

50 Years of Gumby

Gumby is celebrating his 50th birthday this week.

The Claymation superstar is still going strong as he celebrates a career full of highs and lows. For a long time Gumby was a part of the highly successful team of Gumby & Pokey. In spite of the success the duo parted ways in 1985 largely because of creative differences, substance abuse, and dwindling ratings.

Gumby was able to make a successful transition as a single artist but Pokey could not make the transition from a child-donkey-claymation actor to an adult-donkey-claymation actor. Pokey spent the next few years in an out of rehab picking up the occasional guest appearance on Magnum P.I. (the Croatian claymation version) but soon the work dried up. Gumby & Pokey re-united briefly in 1994 for an anti-smoking campaign aimed at Children. Their highly effective 30 second spots were quietly dropped from Network TV when Focus On The Family accused them of promoting liberal tolerance and launched a boycott.



These days Gumby laughs about the old days, but really wants to talk about Politics. Last Tuesday morning Gumby announced that he would be the Conservative Party of Canada candidate in the riding of Trinity-Spadina. Putting old differences aside Pokey accepted the offer to join the Gumby campaign as Communication Director. Things got off to a rocky start when Pokey kicked a gay rights activist in the middle of a press conference. Gumby, in an exclusive interview with Rex Murphy brushed off the incident as described out of context.


For more information on the Gumby campaign please see http://gumbyworld.com/ Please recommend this post

Lame Caption Contest, etc.

I have not had time to update my blog much lately due to work pressures and generally poor time management. Lots of good ideas, no time. So you can discuss this photo among yourselves.

This is one of those staged photo ops that just demands a sarcastic caption contest. Don't you get the feeling these two think they are engaged in a high stakes game of Risk? Unfortunately we are the board.

My entry in the caption contest: Putin(through a translator): "No, I'm pretty sure this is the Korean Peninsula, North Dakota would be about 5 feet over your right shoulder. What are you stupid? Don't translate that last part."

You can read some more analysis of the photo at Bagnews. Please recommend this post

Electoral Reform & NOTA

It goes without saying that most of us are disappointed with our Parliament and want to see some real change. The current set of Parliamentarians (aka Bigots and Whores Inc.) will be dealt with, more or less, in the next election. But the broader system needs a real overhaul and thats why I'm here to offer you the None Of The Above Party. The Platform is still evolving but I'll try to explain it as simply as I can. We had our third plenary meeting tonight on the corner of Varsity Dr. and 38st. It was modestly attended.

The one and only purpose of the party is to allow voters a legal place to indicate a none of the above vote. Currently Elections Canada does not allow this. With a none of the above candidate running in every riding Elections Canada would be forced to compile these votes and thus put a number to a common sentiment.

The Party does not really require a leader. We do require a spokesperson so Canadians really understand why we're running. We are in negotiations with Jolene Blalock right at the moment and it looks promising.

If elected a NOTA candidate must resign immediately and force a by-election. We reject any type of political success. Of course a NOTA candidate would run in the subsequent by-election as well. Critics of our platform note that this could force repetitive and costly by-elections, in some cases causing stalemates. This is possible but its not our fault. The other parties can break the deadlocks by finding better candidates that people can actually vote for.

Since it is impossible for NOTA to ever form Government, our membership was deeply divided over whether we should have additional policies that we advocate. It was decided that we should develop a few ideas about electoral reform and implore the winning party to adopt them.

As a safeguard, our party constitution also has a self-destruct clause. If NOTA members win enough seats to form Government then refuse to resign because they get the crazy idea that they can "fix things", then the party must instantly expel them and dissolve itself.

By a narrow margin NOTA approved the policy of Negative Voting and Personalized Vote Cancelling. Negative voting means that the voter can take a look at the ballot and say my hatred for that guy far exceeds any positive feelings for other candidates. Thus, you can apply a -1 vote to the guy you hate. By way of example, the Conservative candidate gets 30,000 votes but 25,000 voters apply negative votes against him, thus his real and final vote total is 5000 votes. We think this will make candidates behave differently.

Personalized vote cancelling involves matching up opposite voters in a personal way. If one guy votes Conservative and another guy Liberal the person who votes last is deemed to have cancelled out the other guys vote. Elections Canada would assign opposing voters to each other. Then they would send letters to each person explaining that they were now partnered in the Electoral System. The voters would get each others phone number and address and Elections Canada would encourage them to dialogue. We feel this has potential for real nation building.

We wanted to look at some other policies but it got dark. Please recommend this post

Dear Tony

Take a look at this British Election cartoon. Its excellent.

http://www.gbjab.com/ Please recommend this post

Sun Panics over Poll

It was the strangest headline I've seen in a long time. Move over murder and mayhem, the Calgary Sun today leads with an SES poll showing the Liberals 6 points ahead of the Conservatives. In their breathless and self-important grade 3 comprehension style:

What will it take for Canadian voters to get so mad at the Liberals that they'll boot them out of office?

Apparently, not a daily dose of corruption and scandal.

The Martin Grits have put the brakes on the damage caused by sensational allegations of influence peddling and kickbacks to people in high places and are actually moving up in public opinion, a SES Research poll released on CPAC suggests.

The nationwide survey of 1,000 voters, completed Tuesday, shows the Liberals have stretched their lead to six points over the Conservatives, compared to a recent Decima poll, which had the Grits leading by three percentage points.

If you're a Liberal you would be foolish to crack open some Champagne just yet. If you're a Conservative this poll should in no way discourage you.

The Calgary Sun knows very well that the polling right now is extremely flaky and could have wide variances. There is no election call and no election date and because of this polling is very difficult and highly volatile.

So whats the real story here? They are just trying to mobilize their already angry base, and indirectly fan the flames of Western Right Wing Alienation. The first two sentences are all you really need. Its a continuation of the theme that non-Conservative voters are evil and wicked for helping to put the Liberals over the top since 1993.

Keep insulting the people you need to come over to your side with simple minded guilt by association diatribes. Excellent strategy. Please recommend this post

Friday 12 Music...Thingys

Sorry, I could'nt quite get that title right, my brain hurts. After a long week of fighting with MS-Access limitations, the subleties of SQL, and the ever present weirdness of Crystal Reports. Not to mention the 1200 pound Gorilla of changing requirements.

Having some lineage in the Scottish Presbyterian tradition it occurs to me that maybe one should not really enjoy working. Maybe its purpose is punishment for our original sin. (Which is different from sin that is original.) If only we could still be lounging around in the Garden. If I understand the Bible correctly, prior to the fall and expulsion from Paradise Adam did not really have or need a career. Commune with the Creator, eat the legal fruit, keep the wife away from Snake, call it a day. Maybe after dinner help Snake plant a few more of those fake Dinosaur bones he's always going on about. Sweet life.

My Granny would probably look askance at all the new age touchy feely stuff about finding a career you like. Her family landed on an Eastern Alberta farm around 1910 direct from Edinburgh. That must of been some kind of culture shock. Then they dealt with two wars and a depression. And yet all the pictures I've seen of them they always have big proud smiles.

Sorry, this was supposed to be about the music. blah blah blah silly me.

1. jimi hendrix - hey jo
Not an endorsement to go kill your wife, just a pretext for some wicked guitar playing.

2. bruce cockburn - deep lake
More wicked guitar playing from Canada's leading singer songwriter

3. michael palin/monty python - finland
I've been wanting to go to Finland for quite some time. This is a sign.

Finland, Finland, Finland,It's the country for me.
You're so near to Russia,So far from Japan.
Quite a long way from Cairo,Lots of miles from Vietnam.
Finland, Finland, Finland.

4. billy bragg - i don't need this pressure ron
bragg at his best

We sing of freedom
And we speak of liberation
But such chances come
But once a generation
So i'll ignore what i am sure
Were the best of your intentions
You are judged by your actions
And not by your pretensions

There is drudgery in social change
And glory for the few
And if you don't tell me what not to say
I won't tell you what not to do

5. simon & garfunkel - homeward bound
With Arties sweet harmony vocals.

But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony I need someone to comfort me.

6. michelle shocked - blackberry blossom
What a beautiful voice & great guitar playing. Too bad she had so many problems with labels.

7. walk away renee - four tops

I don't have any regrets about lost love. You know who you are. I don't think about you nearly as much as you probably think I think about you. Assuming you think about me thinking about you. I don't really care.

8. holly mcnarland - just in me

Dirty dirty girl potty mouth.

9. mae moore - what is is

I can't say enough about Moore's songwriting.

I'll keep my peace of mind
Make love the bottom line
I've got everything I want
Ever since I found out
What it is that makes my world go 'round

Whatever it takes to keep a smile
You forget what it is after a little while
You take for granted this life we know
A few posessions all we have to show in the end

10. laura love - poor wayfaring stranger

This is a classic traditional found in many old hymnals and folk collections recorded by many. Laura Love gives it just the right touch but with a little funked up vocals.

11. skydiggers - just another day

Another love gone wrong song. This song does'nt make me think about you. You know who you are. See #7.

12. octopus's garden - beatles/ringo starr

I'll bet Lennon & McCartney would have killed each other if it were not for Ringo. Technically this form of the possessive is correct, according to Strunk & White. However when you have a noun ending in s a more natural possessive might be the garden of the octopus. Sure its not lyrical, we're just being pedantic. The sensible French translation is Le jardin d’un poulpe, but who wants to sing Beatles songs in French? You might also get away with the Octopus' Garden, but that looks funny, and 9/10 of grammar is look and feel. Ringo supposedly composed it while on vacation in Sardinia. Other accounts say he wrote it while filming the Magic Christian with Peter Sellers, which by the way was one damn funny movie. George wrote the Guitar licks. Please recommend this post

Of Course I like your hair honey...

I have outrage fatigue this morning. Its time to take a trip down memory lane and look at a few hair styles from the 80's. I have to keep up with Socialist Swine and his various pictures of mullets and moustaches.

Punker chick was kind of hot in the 80's. It was a cross between David Bowie and Annie Lennox. Eventually it became over-produced (see above) and made its way into the office world, thus losing any edginess it once had.

Technically this is the 70's hippy chick, but without the Rachel Carson regard for the environment. The amount of chemicals required to keep this circus flying was impressive. Also highly flammable. (Or, Inflammable to be more correct.) I found this out once on a date where Flaming Sambuca was among the bad choices made that night. How do they get the models to do that puppy dog look?

This is the Dr. Laura moral majority look. Extremely high maintenance and needy. Best to be avoided. Always add 45 minutes to any time she gives you. Look into those eyes, what do you see?

The late River Phoenix may have invented the original celebrity mullet. Note the carefuly grooming. If only the white trash could pay attention to detail like this. I wish River had lived. He might have prevented younger brother Joaquin from making so many bad movies.

See, straight guys can be bitchy about hair & fashion. We just have to work at it a bit. Please recommend this post

You say you want a revolution...

Please recommend this post

CPC Election Graphic #1

Please recommend this post

Liberal Campaign Graphic#1

Voters rarely get a good choice. We often have to choose the best of the worst. This poster will just show the voters that the Liberals know they are whores, but that voting for the CPC will be like voting for George Bush. I'm not sure how anyone could have voted for George Bush in 2000 without knowing that he would start a war. I knew he would and I'm not even American. So in summary, whores are better than wars.

This just might catch on. Please recommend this post

Another Survey

I feel the test had some inherent biases and the author had bad grammar.

The test did not give any weight to the idea of watching Star Trek merely because some of the chicks are hot. That might have pushed me up to an Admiral. Question: Exactly what do you think of Seven of Nine's Ass.

Sorry, I did'nt mean to be rude. I'm just saying...

Update: That should have been Seven of Nine's Ass. Possessive. Not Nines. We strive for a high level of quality. Please recommend this post

Alberta & Eugenics

Alberta is celebrating its 100th year as a Province, so naturally there is a lot of discussion around about Alberta History. Mostly its silly stuff about cowboys. It is not widely known that from 1919 until 1972 Alberta had a Eugenics law. This law allowed the Government to sterilize people without their consent if they deemed them to be inferior in some manner. This was usually applied to people (wards of the state) who had something like Down's Syndrome, but many others were sterilized also, some merely because they had low IQ's or behavioural problems.

Peter Lougheed repealed the law in 1972 when the Progressive Conservatives swept to power ending 30 or so years of Social Credit Government. In the 1990's Ralph Klein's government began paying out damages to people who had been sterilized without consent. Of course Klein's government fought long and hard not to pay anything. In the end the victims got very little in return for having their reproductive ability taken away by a government they had no means to resist.

To be fair, many governments practiced eugenics in the 1920's and 1930's but most stopped after the ideas of the eugenics movement were discredited, and the German Nazis showed the danger of this type of thinking. I've always wondered why Alberta kept up the practice into the 1970's. Probably because the Social Credit movement was anti-intellectual and anti-science. This leads to a more general question: What science is the government currently resisting or distorting that may lead to a future disaster?

For further reading, Dr. Jana Grekal, a UofA Sociology Professor did her Doctoral Research on Eugenics in Alberta. You can read about her research here. Please recommend this post

Political Compass

Take a trip over to Section15 and do the Political Compass test. And then there's a vigorous (Incoming! Duck!) discussion going on in the comments section. I wish I had a vigorous discussion going in my comments. How does one even get a vigorous discussion? Do you have to be smart?

Click on my topic title to go there...

I surprised myself:
Economic Left/Right: -5.75
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -6.67

And I live in Calgary...what the hell? Please recommend this post

Nerdicity

This survey has been floating around the web for a while. I thought i would score more nerdy but some of those science questions were tough and I could not remember my IP address. Please recommend this post

election theme song 2

Sung to the tune of Paul McCartney's Band on the Run



booted from the east block, booted out forever,
never seeing good news,
i'm blue, mama i'm blue.

(sorry, could'nt do anything with the second verse.)

well, gomery exploded with a mighty crash as we flew into the sun,
and the first one said to the second one there i hope you're having fun.
paul's on the run, paul's on the run.
and the calgary sun and david frum were sneering just for fun

for the paul on the run, paul on the run, paul on the run, paul on the run

well, their pollster drew a heavy sigh seeing nothing to be won,
and a bell was ringing in the village square for the cabinet on the run.
paul on the run, paul on the run.
and the calgary sun and david frum were sneering just for fun

for the paul on the run, paul on the run, paul on the run, paul on the run

well, the press was galling as the liberal world began to spiral down.
in the town they're searching for him every where, but he never will be found.
paul on the run, paul on the run

and the enquiry judge, who held a grudge
will search for evermore
for the paul on the run, paul on the run, paul on the run, paul on the run


Am i getting better at this? discuss among yourselves. Please recommend this post

Election Theme Song I

Sung to the tune of Paul McCartney's Hands Across the Water/Admiral Halsey


We're so sorry, justice gomery,
We're so sorry if we caused you any pain.
We're so sorry, justice gomery,
But there's no one wants to vote
i doubt i'll run again.

it's so gory but we haven't heard a thing all day,
we're so sorry, justice gomery,
but if Kinsella lays it out
you'll be sure to give a ring.

we're so sorry, justice gomery,
we haven't bribed a single soul all day.
We're so sorry, justice gomery,
an elections on the boil
were're so eas'ly swept away.

slaps across your forehead, boots placed up your ass,
slaps across your forehead, boots placed up your ass,

firewall harper notified me,
he had to have a vote or he couldn't get to sleep.
i took another poll and i had a cup of tea and a butter pie.

("couldn't put it in something else
So i pulled it in the pie, alright!")

slaps across your forehead, boots placed up your ass,
slaps across your forehead, boots placed up your ass,

lie a little, be a tory, get around,
get your ass up off the ground,
lie a little, get around.

lie a little, be a tory, get around,
get your ass up off the ground,
lie a little, get around.

slaps across your forehead, boots placed up your ass,
slaps across your forehead, boots placed up your ass,




...well it was worth a try. I'll keep working at it. Please recommend this post

my one (and only) pope story

In 1984 the Pope visited Edmonton and at the time I was working in a downtown Hotel. The Pope stayed at the Sisters of Providence facility across town so the Nuns got booted and had to stay in the Hotel where I worked, along with a whole entourage of Papal tour people which included some Swiss Guards and a couple of Cardinals one fairly obnoxious and the other quite nice.

One of the Sisters was quite old and frail and the Hotel staff took a liking to her because she was very friendly and went around every morning asking people how they were doing. One morning she stepped off the elevator and made her way across the lobby and out the front door of the Hotel. On either side of the doors were full length glass windows which had no markings on them and had just been cleaned. Instead of going through the doors she walked smack into one of the windows and bounced backwards onto her ass. A bunch of us all saw it happen and ran like crazy over to see if she was okay. The Concierge got there first and leaned over and said to her Jesus Christ! Are you okay? She was okay, but Concierge got a little talking to later that day.

The next morning the Cardinal (the decent one) was talking to a desk clerk and said ...that was something about the sister walking into the window was'nt it... (or something like that) and the desk clerk said blandly yeah...Jesus that must've hurt. I thought I was going to die right on the spot.

By the time they all left the Hotel's General Manager who was Catholic was pretty much over the edge and a lot of people had red marks on their rear ends.

Okay, the Pope was not in this story, that is true. But the Pope caused the story by dislocating the Nuns. And the story occurred with me being within 3 miles of the Pope, which is the closest I've ever been to a Pope. As far as Pope stories go its not one of the best ones. If you can do better lets hear it. Please recommend this post

Minor Changes

I've updated my links on the right hand side. I've decided not to link to heavy traffic super well known blogs like Daily Kos or Juan Cole for example, because I know you can find them on your own. I still like those sites a lot its just that the space in the right column is limited so I want to reserve it for the grassroots bloggers who might need the referrals more. Not that I think they need help - the blogs in my links section are far better than this crappy little blog. Of course Socialist Swine got himself mentioned by Howie Kurtz so he may become Alberta's Daily Kos.

I added 3 of my favourite cartoons sites so you can have a laugh or two in these dark times. Its hard hard work. I found The Dog Judo cartoon over at Daveberta. Even though I'm a Judo Purist I find it hilarious. You should know that in the real Judo world you never have to practice with people like that.

I added a link to a French translation of this site just below the Maple Leaf. This is a machine translation so it really mangles a lot of things. Try it out and let me know how the French is. (It takes a while to load and it does not translate Haloscan) Its also a FREE machine translation which means its crappier than the machine translations you can pay for.

The url to play with their translator is http://www.freetranslation.com/. They do all the Romance languages. One time wasting task is to take a phrase like "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof" and daisy chain it through all the languages, then back again to English. See what you end up with and where the translator got lost. Ok, so I don't have much of a life what's it to you. Please recommend this post

Non Coherent Papal Musings

Wednesday morning was surreal with the announcment of a new Pope. CNN Screamed out with "GERMANY'S RATZINGER IS 265TH POPE" in 30 point, a font size normally reserved for Terror Alerts or Britney Pregnancies. The annoying CBC morning program was interupted by a 20 second announcement by Michael Enright. They cut into the show with one of those high alert ding a bling a ling musical alert things. Michael Enright was almost fired from the CBC a few years ago when after he did an interview with the Globe & Mail and said the Catholic Church was the largest criminal organization in the world. He was forced to apologize and kiss the ring. So it surprised me that they hauled him out of bed to make the announcement, even if it was only for 15 seconds. Not long after that they went it to full tilt Ratzingerpalooza. The Bishop of Calgary rushed to his media outlet of choice to endorse the new Pope. I guess the Chief Inquisitor's job is open now. Let the gay bashing resume.

I'm briefly watching a bit on TV. There are a large group of Nuns in the Plaza outside the Vatican jumping up and down like they just saw the Beatles, or as my friend who is an Evil Bastard puts it, its like they just spent an hour riding their bicycles on cobbelstone roads. After what we saw last week with the 8 day funeral, maybe this should not surprise us. Is religious hysteria bipolar? A Dark night of the soul followed by a feast day?

I suppose you could take exception to the claim of being the 265th Pontiff. I believe they made every effort to correct the counting error introduced by two different Schisms in the middle ages, which is why there are two John XXIIIs. And in at least one of those schisms there was a Benedict which makes it even more complicated. Maybe he's really Bendict XV and just won't admit it.

I'm unsure about the Hitler Youth thing. The Israeli foreign minister is already baiting him on the Catholic-Jewish anti-semitism issue. As a Catholic Priest in the Nazi era surely he must recognize or know about the issue of Catholic complicity in the Holocaust. At least, he must know about the allegations against Pius XII, sometimes referred to as Hitlers' Pope. What does he think of all that? Its an issue not likely to go away anytime soon.

What does a Pope have to do to get fired? Talk about annexing Poland? Kill an Ambassador to the Vatican? And why do countries send Ambassadors to the Vatican. In Canada's case it was so the Pope could lecture the Canadian Ambassador on the evils of Gay Marriage. Should we be sending an Ambassador to the Moonies? I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Do they send out letters to the losing candidates?

Dear cardinal x,

We write to inform you regarding your application to be the next Pope. Unfortunately the position has been filled. Although your credentials were impressive the selection committee decided to go with someone who had a unique set of skills to match the needs of our client. We will keep your resume on file for future reference. Thank you for your interest.

Regards,
S. Spinoza, S.J.,
Vatican Human Resources

Whether its fair or not people judge you buy the words you use. Please try to drop a few of the following words in conversation:

papeolology
repapalization
depapalization
popelessness
neopapalschismism
papalicide
popemongering
papalissimo
papalicious
papalelleogram
poporexia


If enough of you put in the effort we can get these words in the next OED.

And before I forget, A cartoon from Mike Williams, a favourite.

Please recommend this post

The Puppy Dog Look

Finally, our long national nightmare of balanced budgets, peace, prosperity, and social tolerance is coming to an end. Please recommend this post

All Our Weird Tomorrows

What a week. The never ending but largely repetitive Gomery stories are taking their toll on everyone, not to mention the back to back Schiavo-Pope melodramas that sucked the life out of everyone's emotional attention span for a good month. I notice that the Calgary Sun has taken a break from their freakish and maudlin dead Pope coverage. How many angles can you photograph that corpse from? Now the Sun is getting caught up on local true crime stories and rolling into wall to wall coverage of the Anniversay of Terry Fox's cross country run. Now that's something I can get behind, and it comes at a good time. It reminds Canadians that we produce some genuine heros now and again. Sure the Sun's coverage is over the top and exploitive, but it's for a good cause. The CBC replayed an old interview between Barbara Frum and Terry Fox. Frum was known to eat her guests and spit them out. In her interview with Terry Fox she was kind and respectful. Terry Fox was humble and optimistic, and talked about his faith in God. At that time he had not long to live.

My once proud sense of being a Canadian now lies in tatters, the victim of multiple conflicting polls, gloating what-if punditry, and an every widening aura of Conservative self-righteousness. We stand on the edge of God knows what cliff waiting for a strong wind or a push. We are now mentioned in the same breath as Mexico and Zimbabwe. You are tempted to make fun of some third world buffoon government or the latest Bush ineptitude but you catch yourself in an akward moment of hey thats us. It may be a long road back to self-respect. For Liberals and Progessives this is the nightmare of nightmares. For Canadian Conservatives its a glorious dream come true. The yapping hyenas of self-loathing anti-Canadianism get to chew on a carcass they stumbled upon while wandering around in the bush.

I'm a believer in watershed events. Canadian Politics is like the earth's crust. It creaks and groans, and every decade or so throws out an earthquake to release the tension. In the late 80's Brian Mulroney ended his political career and his party at the same time. What would cause a party with two back to back record setting majorities to lose everything except two seats? In Mulroney's case there were constant allegations of influence peddling and corruption, the shocking pictures of him humping Ronald Reagan's leg, and at the same time Western Right Wing Alienation and Quebec Nationalism reaching new heights. In what seemed like the blink of an eye the Progressive Conservatives, the Party of Diefenbaker and John A. MacDonald disappeared into a black hole.

Is it possible that the same deep collapse could happen to the Federal Liberals? It is hard for me to imagine the key battlegrounds of Ontario and Quebec to radicalize as conservatives. Its hard for me to imagine the Conservatives governing as a minority government with only 30%-40% of the popular vote, and no other conservative parties in Parliament. So now the media will begin to work on us, manufacturing a mythology about how the Conservative Party is centrist and moderate. The next election will be dirty and divisive and many people will truly not know how to vote. Many will probably want to sit this one out. Those people need to be reminded that the wing-nuts always vote no matter what. So if you hear someone say I'm not voting this time around, give them a good slap, a pair of nose plugs.

(Editor: can you clean this up a bit, it seems to be lacking in cohesion. Thanks.) Please recommend this post

Meaningless Update (4th try)

Between the i'm lying down now nature of blogspot.com and the flaky wireless hub, I'm coming due for a good Stephen Harper like chair kicking. Please recommend this post

Their Next Bold Moves

My day started off with recycled news about things I'd rather not think about: the collapse of our current federal government under the weight of an influence peddling scandal and the Alberta Provincial budget which shows we have more cash than it can ever possibly spend, but little or no vision. Talk about juxtaposition. The weather in Calgary is sunny and warm but on the radio they're issuing winter storm warnings for all of southern alberta. This is not uncommon for this time of year. As it turns out they were exagerating. A little rain and clouds. Now its sunny again.

And so I headed over to the sandwich artistry place to escape my pressing work tasks. There were two British women ahead of me discussing whether olives were fruit or vegetable. They were stout and yeomanish looking and I had a brief (thankfully) image in my head of stout yeomanish women swinging heavy axes, busoms heaving, at marauding vikings or maybe some hapless Scot looking to snag some Sheep bladders. Would you say the Vikings were neo-conservatives in their foreign policy? Why could'nt they just stay home? Why all this marauding? Now they make Volvos and Pine Furniture. That's progress. This will stick with me and I'll have to check on the historical accuracy of this particular mind trip. Eventually they will document a new syndrome: "Irrational hostility to marauding nordic pricks characterized by acute historical revisionism." Everyone will get it, or recognize that they already had it and just did'nt know. Pfizer will come out with a pill and a neat commercial.

To gain the upper hand, the one woman says to the other (about olives) of course there's a difference between the botanical classification and the culinary classification, drawing out the vowels in culinary just enough to be precious. There's no comeback to something like that, except possibly shut the fuck up its just small talk, or, of course there's also a cuuulinary difference between your ass and your head. Some people take great delight in their own pedantry and its better to resist snappy comebacks. The sandwich artist kid was glaring at everybody mostly the two axe swingers but also the dude off in the 12th century. He was probably thinking about the Calculus exam he has tomorrow. It occurred to me that olive classification was going to be the least of our national problems in the coming months.

The sandwich artist kid reminds me of how hard it must be growing up now compared to when i did. We expect them to work three jobs to pay for University and get good enough marks to be successful. No wonder they drink so much.

The morning news is still floating around in my head about Michael Jackson being accused of licking kids heads. Licking their heads! what do you do with something like that. And then i remembered a story about a guy in the Netherlands who was arrested for surreptitiously licking women's toes in public places. He was released after his lawyer argued that this behaviour was not really violating any particular law. There was some public outrage over this so some rightist party drafted a bill specifically outlawing non-consenting toe licking - I swear I'm not making this up - and the frigging thing passed. The rightists lined up with the feminists to stop the toe lickers. What would Ayn Rand say? If only Adscam could be about mere head or toe licking.

I can't shake that image of Michael Jackson vibrating into court late in his pajamas because i think he is really just very very crazy, and i doubt he'll get the help he needs. He made me think about Bogart in the Caine Mutiny and how they put him on the stand and pushed him over the edge. He just went totally batty, furtively fondling those ball bearings in his hands and babbling about how everyone else was conspiring against him. That was one of Bogarts finest moments in acting. Queeg was crazy and all you had to do was push the right buttons. Sooner or later they'll put Michael on the stand and he'll just go off the same way. With any luck he'll lean over and lick the judge's forehead and scream incoherently. And then the retards on that celebrity justice show will have to re-enact it for their moron viewers. Justice is unpredictable by definition which is why some conservatives hate judges so much. They can't control the outcome. They live in an angry world where punishment is more important than accuracy or fairness or inalienable rights. Papers are released showing John Negroponte was intimately involved with Central American right wing death squads and his career prospects in Government service are brighter than ever. But, Judges who ruled on the Schiavo case are being openly threatened by law makers and a wide assortment of other demented goons. Analyze that.

Thus I wait anxiously for word on how all this will turn out. Yawn. Please recommend this post

Andropause

If you're male and over 40 you may want to head over here and take this survey.

The ADAM test (Androgen Deficiency in Aging Men) is a tool used to screen for symptoms of low testosterone in men over 40.

It's a simple first step toward finding out if your symptoms could be related to andropause. Answer the questions below, print the results, and discuss them with your doctor.

Looks like the Province of Alberta is not participating in this particular survey. There are no Alberta resources listed for follow-up. It could be that they are very very busy reforming Health Care to be a model for everyone else.

Andropause often correlates directly with depression, particularly if you are a liberal living in Alberta. Or, just a Liberal.

Seriously though, take the test. Please recommend this post

twelve more songs

another twelve songs from the dj/pimp in my laptop, along
with gratuitous commentary:

1. cat stevens - the first cut is the deepest

I still want you buy my side
the yanks gave me a rough rough ride.
i'm sure gonna give it a try
and if you want i'll try to fly again

2. avril lavigne - he was'nt

well...she ain't no juliana hatfield.

3. bruce cockburn - waiting for a miracle

somewhere out there is a place that's cool
where peace and balance are the rule

4. the white stripes - hello operator

where did this come from? who are these guys? not bad but they sound a little drugged.

5. natalie merchant - ophelia

i would like to see her live. in concert, i mean.

6. bob dylan - tight connection to my heart

I remember the video. Nothing like writing a love song and packing it with 10 layers of meaning.

7. monty python - philosophers drinking song

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.

Shame on M.Python for disparaging our western intellectual tradition in this tawdry manner. Malkin should get on them.

8 lisa loeb - stay

Its such a sad song. I remember the video because all the girls started dressing like her. Is she an singer/actor or an actor/singer?

9. beach boys - do you want to dance

Classic. My sister Buffy and I used to play this over and over again on our Electrohome Hi-Fi until Mr. French would come in and make us stop. Buffy always said Mr. French had a sordid past. More on that later.

10. donovan leitch - mellow yellow

Electrical banana
Is gonna be a sudden craze
Electrical banana
Is bound to be the very next phase

Except in Alabama, where it is still very much illegal.

11. skydiggers - toss & turn

One of the most under-rated canadian bands. I saw them live a while back but I think they've broken apart now.

12. mae moore - nothing but the truth

Another totally under-rated Canadian artist.


Yeah, I guess its time to get some new music into the club. Please recommend this post

Twelve Novels

Twelve novels that i've read in the last few years that i enjoyed reading for one crazy reason or another, in no particular order:

1. anthem by ayn rand
2. a midnight clear by william wharton
3. slaughterhouse-five by kurt vonnegut jr.
4. catch-22 by joseph heller
5. the hobbit by tolkien
6. war in heaven by charles williams
7. the quiet american by graham greene
8. the power and the glory by graham greene
9. dracula by bram stoker
10. who has seen the wind by w.o. mitchell
11. hitchhikers guide to the galaxy by douglas adams
12. fugitive pieces by anne michaels

Actually, this is also part of my living will project. If I end up in a persistent vegitative state, you can read from one of these novels to test my sentience. if i don't give an eyebrow cock or spit up some schmutz then i'm probably long gone. Please recommend this post

Grim Reaper's Latest Rant

You people are really pissing me off. Everythings has to be such a big production with you folks. I have a fairly simple job to do but every time I turn around there's some kind of circus going on. Why can't you just be adults instead of freaky drama queens. And you Americans have got to stop electing Republican Presidents. I can't keep up with all the war and pestilence they cause. Do you know how hard it is to hire and train associates?

And stop writing me about Falwell. If I went around all day just taking out the assholes I would'nt get my real work done and it would'nt be fair.

By the way, you may want to throw out that Salmon Mousse in your fridge. Its free advice but don't get cocky. Please recommend this post

Day of Infamy

A college student threw some Salad Dressing at Pat Buchanan yesterday while he was speaking on Western Michigan University Campus. Luckily Buchanan was unhurt in the incident. The FBI began an immediate investigation to determine what type of dressing was used in the incident, and how best to get the stains out of Buchanan's shirt and tie. An FBI agent, on condition of anonymity said he thought it was some kind of low fat cucumber flavor.

Later, a shaken President Bush reads a statement:

Today, millions of Americans are saddened by the throwing of salad dressing at Pat Buchanan.

Laura and I extend our condolences to Pat Buchanan. We don't know yet if that tie can be cleaned.

I appreciate the example of grace and dignity he has displayed at a difficult time. I urge all those who honor Pat Buchanan to continue to work to build a culture of food where all dressings are welcomed and valued and protected, especially those that are...um...lower fat and may not taste so good.

The essence of civilization is that the strong have a duty to protect the weak.

In cases where there are serious doubts and questions, the presumption should be in the favor of eating the food.

The most solemn duty of the American president -- come on up, guys -- is to protect the American people from Salad Dressing, or um, any food really, being thrown.

Since September 11th, 2001, we've taken bold and vigorous steps to prevent further attacks and overcome emerging threats.

We face a new and different kind of enemy. The threats today are unprecedented. The salads of our citizens are at stake. To protect them, we need the best intelligence possible, and we must stay ahead of constantly changing intelligence challenges. "

Please recommend this post

twelve songs

this morning i flicked on the windows media player and got the following 12 songs.I picked 12 because its a more magical number than 10, and divisible by more numbers that i find esthetically pleasing.

1. matthew & son - cat stevens
2. trickle down - bruce cockburn
3. forgiven - alanis morrissette
4. because I told you so - jonatha brooke
5. throng of blowtown - mary lou lord
6. creation dream - bruce cockburn
7. she loves you - beatles
8. just in me - holly narn
9. capsized - sarah harmer
10. try - nelly furtado
11. she's a fool - leslie gore
12. ahead by a century - tragically hip

hey look, we exceeded the can-con quota without
having to play any celine dion or cory hart!

i have to point out for our younger readers that holly narn can be a bit dirty. i had to put my hands over my ears a few times when she sang about mommy/daddy stuff. Please recommend this post